12. Chapter Eleven
Chapter Eleven
Spade
I slammed the car door closed, adrenaline still pumping through my veins as I jammed the key into the ignition. A mix of excitement and nerves collided in my gut, my need for blood and vengeance warring with my need to keep Giana safe.
The thwack of the trunk closing launched me into action, and I dug my phone from my pocket to send Merrick a quick text. Giana was my number one priority. I had to keep her safe. Everything else could wait.
Spade: We need a cleanup at Greg’s Diner.
Giana slid into the passenger seat, distracting me as the faint glow cast from the headlights illuminated the blood splatter across her already stunning face. Memories of my sugar with the bat in her hands flashed through my mind, sending a jolt through my veins. I’d been barely holding on to rational thoughts then, but now . . .
I was about to throw caution to the wind and pull her into the back seat when Merrick’s text broke through my lust-filled thoughts.
Merrick: The diner? Tell me you didn’t do what I think you did.
I sighed, Merrick’s reminder like a bucket of ice water, sending a chill over my once-heated skin.
Spade: Of course not. But they may need an incentive to pack their bags if they aren’t out of there by the time the team arrives.
I gritted my teeth, wishing I could be there, but we both knew that was a bad idea.
Merrick: That, I can do.
A small smile curved my lips as I shoved my phone back into my pocket and threw the car into reverse, the tires squealing beneath us as I quickly braked and pulled out from behind the ice cream shop where we’d left the car.
Giana sighed wistfully, a wide grin on her lips as she rolled the window down, letting the wind whip through her blood-stained hair.
It was a struggle to keep my eyes off her as we sped down the road, my focus continually pulled to the goddess on my right. I could always just pull over for a few minutes—
I immediately put that thought to rest. There wasn’t a world where I could only spend a few minutes worshipping her incredible body.
“We’re not going to make it very far if you keep looking like that.” I slung an arm over her seat as I gripped the steering wheel with the other, needing to be as close to her as possible.
Looping a finger through her hair, I played with the soft strands, loving the moan that slipped from her lips as she relaxed back into her seat.
“Some might question your sanity if you admitted you like girls covered in blood.”
“Love,” I corrected, my heart warming at her answering grin. “Would you, though? Question my sanity?”
“No.” She giggled, the sound a beautiful symphony as it struck a chord in my heart. “I might be questioning my own right now, but never yours.”
She might be the only person who hadn’t, then—myself, included.
We pulled up to the red light in front of her parents’ diner, the mess we’d left thankfully shadowed by the overgrown trees and brush.
“Why?” I knew the answer, of course, but I needed to hear it from her lips. I needed her to admit it to herself.
“Because I liked it—loved it,” she corrected with a smile that didn’t meet her eyes. I could tell that she was trying to distract me from the turmoil running through her mind.
“Did you like seeing the trainer?”
“Of course not.” She frowned, a crease forming between her eyebrows that I wished I could run my thumb over to soothe the anxiety away.
“You might enjoy the violence, but not when it’s senseless.” I grinned when understanding lit her eyes.
I swallowed thickly as silence stretched between us. After our talk at the diner, I knew I had to show her more, to let her see the jagged edges of my heart, just as she’d shown me her own. I wanted to show her how much I trusted her, show her that my heart was so completely and irrevocably hers that it beat and bled for her alone.
Pulling my arm back, I put both hands on the wheel when the light changed, needing to concentrate on the road rather than her face as I laid the shards of my soul at her feet.
“Seeing your parents brought up memories of my own.” I sighed, my jaw clenching against the nerves churning in my stomach. I’d never told the whole story to anyone. Even Merrick and Kellan had only heard the shortened version.
I could feel her eyes boring a hole into the side of my head, her attention so zeroed in on me, I could barely draw in a staggered breath. But as she placed her hand on my leg, the tentative, comforting gesture chased away the anxiety that had thrummed through my veins, sending a sweeping wave of calm over me. I glanced at her, only allowing myself the shortest glimpse of her delicate features still spotted in blood before I focused back on the road.
There was no judgment in her gaze, no pity, only a kindness I was almost sure I didn’t deserve.
“I can’t really remember much from when I was younger,” I admitted. “Despite my best attempts at piecing together how it all started, the memories won’t come. I almost prefer it that way.”
I’d tried working past the mental blocks more than I’d like to admit, but in the back of my mind, I almost didn’t want to know if there had been any happiness in my life before. I preferred to see them as the monsters they were.
“I had a sister,” I whispered, a pang of pain rattling my chest at the admission. “The only good memories I have are of her, of the games and stories we used to make up when our parents locked us away.”
“We should pull over.” Giana’s soft voice broke through the shadows clinging to the recesses of my mind as the world around us came back into focus. We were already on our way out of town, nothing but fields on either side of us, save for the old firehouse up ahead.
Fuck, I hadn’t even realized that I’d zoned out.
I pulled into the old parking lot, already knowing some of the stories behind this place. It was almost fitting that we’d end up here, that we could make some sort of memory here, too, even if it was shrouded in the demons from my past.
In some messed-up way, my heart warmed at the thought of us sharing memories of this place together.
I knew that Kellan had taken her here the other night after everything that happened at that shop, and a competitive gleam flared in my chest at the thought of us sharing something intimate here too.
I left the engine running, already knowing we might need to get out of here quickly. The Barones would be idiots if they came after us tonight, especially since they wouldn’t know those two clowns were even missing until sometime later tonight. Hell, maybe I could send one of their heads as a message—
And there I went, losing my train of thought again. Anything to prolong the memories that had been flooding my mind only moments ago.
Giana remained silent, her hand rubbing soothing circles on my thigh, assuring me she’d wait for me all night.
Sighing, I reluctantly gathered my tattered memories, needing my love to see every part of me. To see the pain and perseverance that made me into the man I was today. To trust me when I said we weren’t monsters—I’d seen my fair share, and we were nothing like them.
“Her name was Anne. She was three years older than me, and she was the brightest spot of my past, the only thing that kept me going most days.” I placed my hand on Giana’s, soaking up her warmth. “Our parents didn’t want to deal with us. I have vague memories of going to school when I was younger, but then, the only rooms I saw were the unfinished walls of the basement.”
Icy fingers danced over my skin, as though just speaking the words had me back there, shivering under the tattered remains of a blanket as I curled up on the cold cement floor.
I glanced down at my hand wrapped around Giana’s, reminding myself of where I was. I wasn’t that emaciated child anymore, gobbling up any scrap of food they had spared me. My fingers were no longer skin and bone; they were thick and strong, able to protect myself and the ones I loved.
“Anne wasn’t always with me, she was allowed upstairs for hours at a time, to clean and cook as they needed her to.” I wouldn’t call them my parents, couldn’t after all they’d done. They were strangers, monsters, then and now. “She’d sneak me down food every chance that she could, especially since they’d forget to feed me for days at a time.”
Giana’s hand twitched, gripping me harder, but she didn’t say a word. Somehow, she knew that I wouldn’t be able to continue, that I wouldn’t be able to hang on to my sanity if I had to dredge up the memories again.
“I was forgotten, but Anne, she was their punching bag.” I squeezed my eyes shut, begging the images of her broken and bruised, being pushed down the stairs if she stepped a toe out of line. “I did the best I could to take care of her with what I had.”
Tears pricked my eyes as my voice shook, a weight seemingly pressing down on the center of my chest. Shaking my head, I begged the images to clear, to be replaced with the blissful void of nothingness I’d let take over so many times before.
It was dangerous to think of Anne, to let the memories of her flow freely. Many times, I’d blacked out, losing all sense of the world around me when I was reminded of her. When I saw a woman or girl in the same state. I’d almost done the same when I’d seen that man approaching my sugar that first time I’d laid eyes on her. She stopped me, though, with that glint in her eyes as she reached for her taser. With the violence that sang to my own, two sides of the same coin.
I ran my thumb over her hand, grateful that the thought of this woman was enough to keep me centered, to keep my mind from fracturing.
“One day, she just didn’t come back. I waited and waited, but deep down, I knew what they’d done.”
Anger quickly replaced my sorrow as I fixated on those monsters. I couldn’t even remember their faces now, my mind blurring their details. Truthfully, if I ever saw them as more than faceless figures, I might not survive.
“I can still remember how the lights burned my eyes the first time they dragged me upstairs, expecting me to take over for the tasks they’d forced Anne to do, as though she was replaceable.”
My jaw ticked as I ground my teeth, needing to remind myself that they were dead and gone now.
“They expected me to take over, even though I’d barely known anything other than cold and darkness. I didn’t know how to cook or clean, and they never showed me, and instead, beat me any time I burned something or used the wrong chemical while cleaning.”
In my memories, their shouts were muffled, yet they still vibrated through my head, and my skin felt as raw as when their punches and slaps were still scattered over my body.
“I was about ten then—I only figured that out from glimpses of the calendar when I was allowed upstairs.” I chanced a look at my sugar, unsure if I would be able to continue if I found pity in her eyes, but they only held understanding as she took in the worst of me. “I knew I had to get out of there, at least. I had to build up my strength, to learn how to defend myself. But every time I saw them, my hatred for them only grew. I wanted revenge. I wanted to end them the same way they’d taken away Anne’s light.
“I kept my eyes peeled, doing my best to appease them as I collected every kernel of knowledge I could. I’d catch a few minutes of a fight scene on TV, studying what was used and how they moved. I took stock of the kitchen, memorizing everything I could use or hide to give myself the best chance at survival.”
My fortitude iced over the agony humming in my chest, just as it had done back then.
“Five years passed like that as I gained my strength now that I was eating, finally having enough energy to work out like I saw on shows. I hid under the baggy, tattered, hand-me-down clothes they gave me, not letting them see the changes I was making, not letting them see the wolf in sheep’s clothing I was becoming.”
I grinned, that familiar spark of violence lighting inside me as I remembered just how unaware they’d been.
“They got sloppy, trusting that I would remain that scared child they’d beaten into submission, and left me upstairs to get dinner ready when they went out for the afternoon. I could’ve left, I could’ve run for it, but instead, I collected all the knives, hammers, bats, even the guns they hadn’t known I’d seen locked away in the safe. I hid most of them in the basement, only tucking a few into a bag, along with any cash I could find.”
Remembering what had solidified my plans, I took a steadying breath. “I almost left, but I had to know. I had to know for sure that she was gone, that she hadn’t just left me alone with them, that they had killed her.”
Giana’s fingers tightened around mine in support.
“It was my first time outside, my first time actually letting myself look at the yard.” I anchored myself in the feel of her soft skin. “We were secluded. There wasn’t another house around for miles, and trees were the only thing I could see.”
I kept my eyes trained on the reddish-brown bricks in front of me, not letting myself get sucked into the memory of the lush evergreens, the dead needles scattered on the ground, prickling my bare feet.
“I found her grave a few feet back, marked only by a simple cross, the scraggly branches a mockery to the light Anne was.”
I shook my head as anger built within me. “Despite everything that they put her through, she always tried to help me, calm me, take care of me. And all they gave her was a lousy makeshift cross. It hadn’t even looked like anyone had been out there in years. They had no sympathy for what they’d done. They never regretted it or tried to change. And if I let them live, I didn’t know if they’d start the cycle all over again.”
I shuddered at the thought. Despite how much I hated them, that had been the final nail in their coffins—the thought that they could bring more children into the world and do what they’d done to Anne and me all over again. Slipping away into the night hadn’t been an option.
“So, I did what had to be done, and I would do it again.”
My lips twisted into a cruel smile as I remembered that night through the haze of my memories. Warm blood coating my hands as I took my revenge.
I knew Giana wouldn’t judge me for what I’d done, but I couldn’t help but want to keep the details to myself, to safeguard them in the depths of my mind, so they’d be sacred to me and Anne alone. I could only hope that Anne had been watching that night in some way and that she approved of my method of vengeance, despite her kind soul.
“I left that night, and I never looked back. I ran as far as I could, not even looking at what town or state I’d been in, so I could never find that place again.”
I smiled as I met Giana’s gaze, seeing the acceptance and understanding shining there that was working to heal my jagged soul.
“I lived on the streets, committing petty crimes just to survive.” I frowned at the scraps of memories from that time. “I was slowly learning how to live. I had no idea how the world worked, that there were rules or laws, especially since nothing had happened to my parents after they killed Anne. I had to take her justice into my own hands.
“I had focused on getting revenge, and then, once I took them down, I focused on surviving. And, eventually, it turned into living. I went to the library and learned how to read and write. I learned that there were supposed to be systems in place to protect kids like me, but I knew that they didn’t always work, that there was greed, corruption, and injustice everywhere I looked.
“I started running with gangs and slowly began to make enough money to build a life of my own, but being under the thumb of someone else always chafed and ended up getting me into more trouble in the long run.” I grinned devilishly at her, glad to be at the part of my story where I felt more like myself and the man I was today. “I bounced around until I met Merrick and Kellan. I saw what they wanted to build, how they wanted to work from the inside to bring down the major players. For the first time in my life, I found friends, people like me. I saw the vengeance in their hearts, and I knew that our paths would align somehow.
“And all of that brought me here to you.”
I smiled wistfully, summoning as much confidence as I could muster as I met her gaze. That wasn’t a problem I usually had, but I’d also never been so vulnerable with anyone before.
“I see you,” she whispered, cupping my face with her hands as her gaze bore into me. It was soft yet unyielding, assuring me that she would sit here as long as I needed to let her words sit in. She wouldn’t leave me. She wouldn’t hurt me. She was my protector as much as I was hers. She’d forgotten her strength, but it had never left her. Giana was not a victim, and neither was I.
“I see every part of you, Spade, your mind, your heart, your soul, and I love every single part of you.”
Her words wrenched my heart, consuming every part of me and leaving me whole, like she was soothing the tattered remains of my soul.
I hadn’t realized how hard my pulse had been pounding until her words eased the steady staccato, healing parts of me that I hadn’t even thought could be repaired. I’d been scared. For the first time in years, I’d been terrified of what she would think of me after I showed her my wounds. But, now, it was like I was set free.
I would always carry the scars, and I would cherish the memory of my sister and protect anyone I could, but by sharing my story with my sugar, I could finally breathe for the first time in . . . I didn’t know how long.
Giana’s lips were inches from mine, so close, I could practically taste her sweet lip gloss on my tongue. Before I realized what I was doing, I closed the distance between us, slanting my mouth over hers. The kiss was sweet, and soul-wrenching, like she was rebuilding my entire being anew with each stroke of her tongue. I groaned as her hands cradled the back of my head, so soft, so precious, something I’d never really experienced before her.
My sugar was delectable, the sweetest and most tender woman I’d ever known. It took a lot to love a beast like me, but she’d never once shied away. She met me in the darkest depths of my soul and relished in the depravity right along with me.
Only Giana could do this to me, make me feel alive and free after spilling my darkest secrets at her feet. “You’re mine, Giana,” I breathed, my words a whisper against her lips. “Now and forever. No one will ever tear the two of us apart. And if they try, I’ll relish in tearing them limb from limb and leave them as a warning for anyone else.”
“As long as I can help.” She grinned, her lips caressing mine with every sweet word. My eyes shuttered as I breathed her in, her scent, dark and seductive, with a hint of sweetness. It was Giana to her core.
“You are perfection.”
My lips were on hers again, my tongue delving in to stroke hers, teasing her with my tongue ring. I wrapped my arms around her, not missing the tremor that ran through her as she melted into my embrace.
We were fire and fire, building into an inferno that could obliterate the world around us.
Giana pulled away, her soft smile lighting up her face. For a moment, I wished I was Kellan, that I could immortalize her beauty in a painting and cherish it forever. But I didn’t need a picture, or a drawing, not when I got to look into her gorgeous eyes every day and thank the universe for putting her into my life.
“I want to hear more about Anne—the good memories, if you’re open to it.” She chewed on her bottom lip, her eyes soft yet tentative.
I settled against the seat, my fingers playing with Giana’s blood-speckled locks, a fond smile on my lips. For the first time in years, the thought of Anne didn’t send a stabbing pain through my chest. Finally telling my story—her story—brought me the first sliver of peace I’d felt in ages.
And so, I let my sugar in on yet another facet of my life, watching her while she watered and tended to the dying flowers in my soul with each story that spilled from my lips.