Devotion (Central Cities #1)

Chapter 24

Three days later, I stretch out on a blanket on the grass next to the lake.

It’s a warm early-spring day and the sun is shining, only occasionally dimmed by fluffy, fast-moving clouds. It’s hot on my skin but not unpleasantly so. I smile up at the sky, keeping my eyes closed against the bright light.

After a minute, when it feels like I’m being watched, I turn my head to discover that Gabriel’s eyes are indeed resting on my face with a fond expression that makes my heart skip. My smile widens. “What are you staring at?”

“What do you think?”

“I think you’re laughing at me, but I don’t know why.”

“I’m not laughing at you!” Despite his words, he falls into soft chuckles. “I’m…”

I roll over onto my side. Rub his chest through the old T-shirt he’s wearing. “You’re what?”

“I’m happy,” he admits.

“Oh.”

“This is what happiness looks like on me.”

I scoot closer so I can nuzzle his neck. “There’s an awful lot of irony in your happiness.”

“Well, yeah. What else would you expect from me?”

That makes me giggle, and I giggle even more when he pulls me over so I’m draped on top of his outstretched body. We kiss for a minute—light and playful and sweet—and then he drops his head back and settles me more comfortably on top of him.

My ear is against his chest, so I can hear his heart beating. It’s comforting. Intimate. A reminder that this man—his body, his mind, his heart, his breath—is mine. In my hands. For the rest of our lives.

“You’re happy too, right?” he asks after a few minutes.

“You know perfectly well that I’m happy. I’ve never been able to hide my feelings from you.”

“No.” His body shakes a few times with soft laughter. “You haven’t.”

“So you’d know if something was wrong or if I didn’t like it here. You can relax, Gabriel. I’m good here. And as I long as I can visit my family at least a couple of times a year, I’ll be good here for the rest of my life.”

His arms tighten, so I know his response even without words.

“It’s different here,” I add, trailing my fingers from his arm to his shoulder and then to his jaw, playing with the beginnings of his beard. He still hasn’t shaved. I don’t know how long he’ll keep it. He wants to look different than he did in the Capital, which is why he’s growing it out and why he cut his hair. But it seems to bother him. He rubs at it a lot. So it seems likely he’ll give up and shave it off eventually.

The change in appearance was practical in Saint Louis, but here it’s hardly necessary. I suspect it’s more the psychological impact of looking different that matters to him the most. And that won’t always be as meaningful to him as it is now.

“Do you not like it?” he asks when I keep rubbing my fingers over the texture of his facial hair.

“I like it just fine. It’s kind of fun and different. But if it bugs you, just shave it off.”

“I might. I haven’t decided.” He sighs. “A beard isn’t likely to make a difference to whether anyone recognizes me or not.”

I lift my head to peer down at him. “You said they wouldn’t come out this far.”

“They won’t. I really don’t think they will. Dad said the guy who monitors the radio for news heard that Vincent put a bounty on me. It’s substantial, but it’s all in credits. So no one outside the Central Cities will get any use out of it. It’s mostly intended to prevent me from ever returning. Which is fine. As if I’d ever want to go back.”

“Well, people in the Central Cities can’t imagine anyone can be safe and secure anywhere else. I used to think the same thing. My thinking was really twisted.”

He brushes a kiss against my hair. “That wasn’t your fault. We know what we’re taught to know, and it’s only experience that sometimes shows us we’ve been wrong.”

“Yeah. I guess that’s right.”

We lie together for a while longer. My mind clears of deeper questions, and I mostly enjoy the feel of his long, firm body beneath mine. His is warm and strong and familiar. He smells good—like Gabriel mingled with the scent of the outdoors. He’s holding me loosely, one of his hands idly rubbing the small of my back.

His parents are gone until evening to help with a regional market day. We were invited, of course, but the alone time was too tempting to miss out on.

I love his family already, but we’ve been in close quarters with them since we arrived. We have our own room, of course, but it shares a wall with his parents. We haven’t had sex since Annabelle caught us in that cabin back in the Central Cities.

I, for one, am getting a little frustrated.

But Gabriel didn’t jump me as soon as they left home this morning. We did a few chores and then took a hike and had a leisurely lunch. Then we settled out here on the grass by the lake to relax for the afternoon.

I was hoping relaxing might mean sex, but he’s made no moves more intentional than pulling me over into a cuddle.

I love cuddling with him. Of course I do. For a long time, I never dreamed it was possible. I never believed he’d open himself up enough to do something so sweet and simple. So emotionally vulnerable.

But I still want to have sex with him. I want it a lot. We were having sex daily back in the palace—usually twice a day—so I’m not sure why he’s suddenly not very interested.

Maybe it was a palace thing.

Maybe it was primarily stress relief for him, and now that he’s not constantly under that kind of pressure, he doesn’t need it like he did.

He’s almost forty-one years old. He’s not a young man anymore. Maybe his libido has waned back to more typical levels.

But men in their forties still like to have sex sometimes. At least, some of them do.

We’ve even mentioned having a family, but how are we ever going to do that if we don’t have sex?

And I thought he enjoyed being with me like that just because.

Could that have changed so drastically? So suddenly?

“What’s the matter, baby?” he murmurs, his hand cupping the back of my head. I never did my hair this morning, so it’s hanging loose down my back, spread out over both of us.

“What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean. You were happy and now you’re not. You started thinking about something that upsets you.”

“How can you possibly know that? You can’t even see my face!”

“I can feel it in your body. Please tell me what you’re thinking about so I can fix it.”

“You can’t fix everything.”

“I know that. But I at least like to try. We’ve had this conversation before. Even if there’s nothing I’m able to do to make it better, I still need to know.”

I take a ragged breath and lift my head to meet his eyes. Then I just say it. “Do you not want to have sex with me anymore?”

He blinks. Then blinks again. Lifts his head with an astonished expression. “What?”

“We haven’t had sex. And I know it’s awkward at night with your parents in the house, but even today you haven’t—” I break off when a little sob lodges in my throat. Contorting my face to control it, I go on. “It’s okay if you don’t for some reason, but can we at least talk about it? Because I… I still really want to have sex with you.”

“Oh my God,” he breathes out in that voice he uses only when he’s emotionally overcome. “Of course I want to have sex with you! I’ve been feeling like I might explode for days, and there’s only so much of a release I can get by myself in the shower.”

I make a weird, choppy series of sounds, half laughing and half crying. “Then I don’t understand why?—”

“Because I’m scared!” he bursts out, interrupting my wobbly question. “Baby, I’m terrified. What we had in the palace feels… feels complicated for me. Worrisome and confusing and complicated. Sometimes I feel guilty. Because for a long time I might have been using?—”

“You were not using me! You were never using me!”

“Maybe not. But I’m not always sure. All I know is that I wanted you desperately. I needed you desperately. And for a long time I took without ever giving back.”

“But I told you?—”

“I know that’s what you wanted, but it still feels… fraught. To me. When I think about it.”

I’m breathing heavily through my nose as I prop myself above him and stare down at him. “So you don’t feel good about us being together?”

“I feel good about us together now ! And I don’t want anything to change that or get in the way of it.”

“But you didn’t feel good about it back then?” I’m close to tears when it was the last thing I expected this afternoon. “I thought you… I thought you were happy back then too.”

“I was!” He’s taken my face in his hands the way he’s done so many times before. “I was happier than I’ve ever been in my life. Even in the beginning. But I also felt guilty about being so happy. I know you’ve explained it all, and I understood it. Back then it made sense to me. I promise I wasn’t wracked with guilt the whole time we were together. I believed you wanted what we had. But now that we’re so far away, it feels… it feels… different. And I wonder if I was fooling myself because I wanted you so much.”

He’s being nakedly honest. Completely sincere. If I wasn’t in such emotional upheaval by the topic, I’d be overwhelmed with how far he’s come in his relationship with me.

I take a minute to calm my mind and the flurry of feelings spinning inside me so I can respond to what he’s told me. “You weren’t fooling yourself. You were right back then when you grew to understand that I was giving you what I wanted to give. It wasn’t one-sided even at the beginning, and eventually what we had was fully mutual. Exactly like what we have now.”

He searches my face almost frantically. Whatever he sees there reassures him. He gives me a little smile.

Washed with deep relief, I smile back. “I loved what we had back then even though I love what we have now even more.”

“It still feels like I was kind of pushy. Demanding.”

“You were.” I close the distance between us so I can kiss him. “But I loved when you were pushy and demanding that way.”

“You’re telling me the truth?”

“I thought you were the master mind reader who could always tell when I was lying to you.”

“I usually can.” He stares up at me with deeper scrutiny, then softens into another smile. “Okay.”

“I would have told you back then if you were asking or expecting something I didn’t want to give. And I’ll tell you now too.”

“Okay,” he says again. “Thank you.”

I wait for a minute, but he does nothing more than gaze up at me tenderly.

I frown. “Maybe I didn’t make myself clear, but I wouldn’t mind your getting kind of pushy and demanding right now.”

He laughs and pulls me into a hug. “I love you, baby.”

“I love you too. So much. So can you please fuck me now?”

He shifts his legs before I realize what’s happening, so I’m suddenly straddling his thighs. He says just before he kisses me, “Yes, I can.”

The kiss is long and deep and sensual. Full of emotion and palpably needy. His tongue slides all the way in my mouth and makes a sexy thrusting motion that has a visceral effect on my body. His hands are moving as he kisses me, caressing my back, bottom, and thighs. I’m bracing the weight of my upper body on the ground on either side of his head. Being on top should make me feel like I have more control, but it doesn’t.

My head is spinning so much it might twirl right off my neck.

It’s not long before I can feel the bulge of his erection at the front of Gabriel’s trousers, but he doesn’t hurry the kiss. After a few minutes, I can feel him smiling as his mouth works against mine.

“What is it?” I mumble against his mouth.

“What is what?”

“You’re smiling.”

He chuckles leisurely, cupping my ass with both hands. “I’m happy, baby. Why wouldn’t I smile?”

“I don’t know.” I raise my head, breaking the kiss so I can check his face. “It’s unnerving.”

“That I’m smiling?” He can’t seem to stop. I’ve never once seen him like this.

“That you’re not all pushy and demanding.”

He laughs again. Eases my head down so he can kiss me gently. Thoroughly. “I don’t feel pushy and demanding today, but I can boss you around a little if you want.” He clears his throat and drops his hands. “Take off your clothes.”

I giggle, infected by his mood. But I immediately climb off him and pull off my top and my pants. I took off my shoes earlier, so I don’t have to mess with them. Gabriel’s eyes get hot as I shimmy out of my underwear.

When I’m completely naked, I scoot back over. “Do you want me on top?”

“What do you want?”

“Well, I don’t know. I don’t have much practice being on top.”

That much is true. Most of the time over the past several weeks, Gabriel’s either been behind or above me.

“Now’s as good a time as any to get some.” He’s undoing his jeans and lifting his hips to push them down with his underwear. He doesn’t get them all the way down his legs. I help him drag them off over his feet—they’re not nearly as easy to pull off as the soft fabric of his palace clothes—and when he’s yanked his shirt off over his head, he’s as naked as I am.

It’s weird, seeing him naked like this somewhere other than our room at the palace. Being naked in the open air.

When I shoot a quick glance toward the house, Gabriel interprets it correctly. “We can hear the gravel crunching from here. We’ll know if they come home early in time to put our clothes back on. But I promise they’re not coming back for hours.”

My brief nerves relax immediately at the gentle assurance on his face. With a smile, I swing my leg over his body so I’m straddling his thighs.

He gazes up at me. Adoring. But instead of making a move, he says, “Can we talk about one more thing?”

“Of course.”

He licks his lips in a very slight show of nerves. “Do you want to have a baby with me, Jess?”

“What? Of course I do! I’ve told you before?—”

“You’ve mentioned having a family before, but what you’ve actually said to me clearly is that it was up to me. It’s my decision. And it’s not. That’s not what I want. I do want to have babies with you. I want a family. But I only want it if it’s truly what you want too. For you . Not because you’re trying to please me.”

I rock with feeling for a few moments before I can contain it. “I do want it.”

“For you?”

“For me. I never thought about it much before because I was so fixed on being a partner. And life as a partner isn’t… isn’t domestic. But now that things are different, I can really… see it. Imagine it. And I want it. I want that life with you so much.”

His face twists briefly. His chest rises and falls with a shuddering exhale. “Okay. Because I want it too.”

We smile at each other for a minute until his gaze grows hot again. He lifts his hands to cup my breasts and then teases my nipples with his thumb.

I’m already turned on from the extended kiss, so it takes almost no time for the momentum of my arousal to return. Soon I’m lifting myself up on my knees while he holds his cock in place. He helps to ease me down so I’m sheathing him.

I gasp, make a few whimpering sounds as my pussy adjusts around the penetration. Then Gabriel holds my hips while I start to ride him.

It feels so good. So free that it’s almost disorienting. I re-angle a few times until I find one that feels best, and I rock over him with the rhythm my body demands.

He pumps his hips up as I move above him, and his eyes never look away, shifting from my face to my jiggling breasts to the place where his cock is moving in and out of me.

It’s a heady feeling that he’s so into this. That he loves me so much. That I can see it so clearly.

It’s a gift and a joy and a deep responsibility that he wants and needs and loves me with everything inside him. The emotions are so powerful they briefly distract me from my rising orgasm, but Gabriel is growing more urgent. He’s gripping my hips, guiding my motion.

A responding need takes fire inside me. I make a loud, helpless sound as I ride him faster and harder. He’s fucking me vigorously from below and grunting with a base carnality that thrills me.

“Fuck, baby,” he mutters. “I’m going to lose it soon. Can you come?”

“Yes. Yes. Yes. I’m trying.” My words burst out choppily with the tempo of my bouncing. If he weren’t holding me in place, his cock would have slipped right out of my pussy from my eager motion.

“Jess. Baby.” His neck arches dramatically, and he lets out a long, low moan. His hips jerk, starting to fall out of rhythm.

I move one hand so I can rub my pussy, and the extra stimulation pushes me right over the edge. I cry out as the rush of pleasure surges through me. Shake and shudder above him.

Gabriel lets go just after me. His body rocks like a wave as he falls into release. He’s groaning and holding me down on his cock as we quake through the last of the spasms. He ejaculated inside me, and I feel his semen filling my pussy.

I’m about to fall down on top of him when he mutters, “Hold on, baby.” Then he grabs me and rolls me over onto my back, moving with me so he’s on top now. He bends my knees on either side of his hips and then supports himself on his forearms.

His face is close to mine. He’s smiling down on me.

“What was that about?” I ask, blinking up at him in fond confusion.

“That was so everything didn’t leak out of you. You do still want to have a baby, right?”

I fall into helpless giggles and wrap my arms around his neck. “Yes. I do.”

“Why are you laughing?”

“It may not be exactly the right time of the month for that.”

He shrugs, smiling just as broadly as I am. “Oh well. Won’t hurt to try.”

Three months later, I’m standing in the middle of a mostly empty room in a small house in town.

It’s an old building. Not pre-Fall—or Impact as they call it around here—but it’s got to be at least forty years old. It was one of the first houses built in this community. It’s got two bedrooms and a small kitchen and living room. A big window looks out onto the town park. A bathroom has been built on the back as an addition. The house originally didn’t have indoor plumbing, but it was updated a few years ago so now it does.

It’s cute, and it’s been well-maintained over the years. But no one has lived in it for more than a year and it shows.

“What do you think?” Gabriel asks, coming out of the larger bedroom to join me in the living room. “Dad said he’ll be happy to help us make any repairs or updates it needs.”

“I think it will be great,” I tell him, staring around and trying to imagine myself here. In a lot of ways, it still feels like I belong in the palace. Like that’s the only setting I’m really good for.

But I don’t. Not anymore.

When Gabriel looks concerned, I add, “It’s plenty big for the two of us.”

“The three of us.” His eyes slant down to my belly.

“My period is late. That doesn’t necessarily mean?—”

“I know.” He grabs me in a loose hug. “I’m not naturally inclined toward optimism, but can I at least try it out?”

Laughing, I pull his head down so I can kiss him. “Yes, you can try it out. I like to see you hoping for the best. And I think this house will be great for us. Maybe I can plant some wildflowers.” I stroke my locket.

He pulls back so he can search my face quickly. “You’re telling me the truth? You’ll be happy here?”

“What do you think?” I beam up at him.

His face softens, and he pulls me back into a hug, tighter this time. “Okay, good. It’s the only one available in town right now, so it’s not like we have much choice. But I’m getting kind of tired of living with my parents.”

“They’ve been amazing, but I’m ready to have a place of our own too.”

“And you have no regrets about leaving the Central Cities or about being this far from your family?”

“I miss them. But it won’t be long before I can visit them since we’ve heard that the search for you has died down.”

Over the past weeks, the news we’ve heard has all been positive in terms of our safety. The president’s administration has been dealing with internal conflict. Rebel groups have gotten more active across the state. And while Gabriel is still identified as a wanted man, the active searches have been called off.

It should be safe for him to travel in a couple of months. He can get me close to Saint Louis, and I can drive the rest of the way on my own. He’s been teaching me to drive, and I’m already doing pretty well with it.

“Yes. You can definitely visit them soon.” He looks like he’s about to turn away.

Remembering I never fully answered his question, I grab a handful of his shirt and hold him in front of me. “I have no regrets, Gabriel. Not a single one. All my decisions got me here. In this place with you. Where we can both be safe. Where we can have a future together. Where we can start a family. No regrets.”

My words touch him. He swallows visibly and brushes his knuckles against my cheek. “Okay. Good.”

“You’re the one who used to be at the top of the administrative ladder and now is stuck with boring guard duty.”

Gabriel has been doing shifts as a town guard, and I’ve been working in the community garden. We were able to take a few weeks to rest and recover, but after that we needed to start contributing to life here in town.

He huffs in amusement and shakes his head. “I’m not minding it too much if you want to know the truth. It’s kind of nice.”

“What is?”

“To do something that doesn’t take much brainpower. For a while.”

“That makes sense. Your poor brain needs a rest. You haven’t been nearly as tense and uptight lately. A break from all that pressure is good for you.”

“And it won’t be forever. There will be something else for me to do eventually. Actually, I was talking to Mom this morning, and she said there’s been some talk about establishing some sort of archive. A record of our history here and everything that’s been preserved from before Impact. She suggested I might be a good person to head that up.”

I gasp, covering my mouth with my hand. “Oh Gabriel. That would be perfect for you!”

He shifts from foot to foot, uncharacteristically self-conscious. “I think I’d like doing something like that.”

“You would absolutely be the best person for that job. But it would be a huge project. It would take years. Would they be okay with that? I don’t want you to end up in a situation like back at the palace where far more than is humanly possible is expected of you. You might be the smartest person alive, but you can’t do miracles.”

He laughs. “I told you not to go around exaggerating my intelligence. People will think I’m some kind of Einstein, and then they’ll be disappointed when I’m not.”

“I’m not exaggerating anything. I’m saying what I believe. And I also mean what I say about you not getting stuck with a lot of pressure again. I’d rather you be a guard for the rest of your life than do that.”

“I don’t think this archive thing will come with that kind of pressure. But we’ll see. And we can work on finding you a job you like better too.”

“Maybe. But I’m not too worried about it. I’m doing fine in the garden. Honestly, the job I want most is being a mother to a whole bunch of our kids. Is that okay?”

“Is that okay ?” Gabriel’s face warms. He leans down to kiss me one more time. “That’s an entire universe better than just okay. That’s going to be the top of our list of things to work on.”

“Okay, good. But there is one thing I have to admit to you.”

He was about to kiss me again, but he pauses to wait for me to speak.

“I have no idea who Einstein is, and you said the name like he’s someone important.”

He appears briefly startled, but then he bursts into laughter. “I’ll tell you all about him one day.” Then he looks around at the house that’s going to be ours. “We have plenty of time.”

It’s my 313th day as Gabriel’s partner, and our life together has only just begun.