Hana
I knew Jack was going to continue to edit the video and then send it to Michael. I didn’t want to be around for it, so I took the opportunity to nap. I wasn’t sure if it was being pregnant that was making me so exhausted, or if it was depression sinking in. Maybe it was both. Jack was being extra sweet and rubbed my shoulders before I fell asleep. His erection grew as he straddled my back, and I got wet at the thought of him getting aroused by just touching me. As “unconventional” as the start of our relationship was, I don’t think it would have been so easy if I wasn’t so sexually attracted to him. I knew how much he fawned over me, and knowing he went to such great lengths just for me to be “his” was…well, it was unsettling how arousing I found that. He knew all of this and he didn’t hide it. I didn’t even try to hide it anymore. I was, unequivocally, his forever. And he was mine.
So naturally, when he started to fuck me while I slept, that turned me on even more. I kept discovering new kinks. Would I have discovered all of this about myself if I were still with Michael? Would I have kept going back to Jack whenever we fought? Would Michael and I have lasted? Would I have been bored with our life in Chelsea, being a writer housewife that liked to be dominated? I never knew what to expect with Jack, and that was thrilling to me. Jack saw right through me the whole time; he knew me the whole time. But I couldn’t help but feel like I was destined for a life with Michael. I wanted the opportunity to make my own decisions, my own mistakes, but that was all taken away from me. Just like the decision to have this baby or not was taken away from me. If it was Jack’s, I had to keep it. If it was Michael’s, I didn’t get to keep it. What if I didn’t want to keep it either way?
After Jack and I fucked for two more rounds, he fell asleep holding onto me, his cum dripping out of every hole in my body. His phone kept going off in the distance, so I decided to sneak out of bed and go find it. I had no idea if he had a password or not—I never dared to go through his phone. And I knew there were cameras in the living room and apparently in other places I didn’t know about, but a wife being curious about her husband’s phone going off multiple times didn’t seem like a weird reason for me to seek it out. The buzzing was more prominent in the kitchen, and I found his phone lying on the counter when I poked my head around the corner from the hallway. I immediately recognized the number—it was Emily. I stared at the phone in confusion—why was she calling Jack? Why wasn’t she calling me? I decided to answer. I was too curious not to.
“Emily?” I answered, almost in a whisper.
“Hana?” Emily replied, her tone worried on the other end.
“Why are you calling Jack?” I asked immediately; I don’t know why, but I almost felt jealous.
Emily sighed. “I don’t know what the fuck gets through to you on your phone. You never answer my calls. So when Michael called me, bawling and angrily threatening violence against you and Jack because of some fucking sex tape, I felt like I needed to confront one of you,” she explained, exasperated.
Threatening violence against Jack and me? A lump formed in my throat. “What?”
There was silence for a moment. “Did you not fucking know that Jack sent Michael a video of you guys having sex?” Her irritation was clear in her voice.
“I…I didn’t approve, obviously, Emily.” I tried to pick my words carefully.
“Obviously you don’t get to approve a lot of things going on in your new life,” she snapped back.
Why was she so angry at me?
“What’s going on?” Jack’s tense words came from behind me.
I pulled the phone down from my ear and turned around.
“It’s Emily. She was calling you. I was curious, so I answered it. Here.” I handed him his phone and angrily walked off.
I was angry and hurt for so many reasons. My cousin, my best friend, who I thought was still sort of on my side, was now being so cold to me. Did Michael really think that I would purposefully do something like that to him? Did Jack make it seem like I did? Of course Michael would believe that. He believed I really had left him. So why wouldn’t I do something like this too? He must have thought I really lost it.
“Leave us the fuck alone, Emily!” Jack shouted then angrily stormed down the hallway toward our room where I sat on the bed with my knees to my chest.
Jack appeared at the doorway, his eyes wild with rage.
“What the fuck did she say to you? What did you say to her?”
I was already bawling. “All she said was that she was calling you because Michael called her, fucking angry and crying and saying he wanted to hurt you,” I explained.
I left out the part about him wanting to hurt me; Jack wouldn’t let that slide. And I knew Michael was just hurt and angry and didn’t mean it.
Jack’s face suddenly went from angry to blank to…happy? He grinned widely and started to laugh.
“So he saw it.” He nodded as he sat down on the bed next to me.
I looked over at him, bewildered. Of course that was his response. That’s what he wanted in the first place—to hurt Michael.
“Why do you care so much about how he feels? Why keep taunting him when you clearly won this battle?”
I was genuinely curious; why did he have to bring Michael into this? Because he knew it would hurt me too?
Jack’s smile faded. “I want him to hurt as much as I did when I lost you. I was fucking desperate, Hana. I am desperate.” His voice was barely audible.
I shook my head. “You have me, Jack. You don’t need to feel so hopeless anymore. You don’t need to seek out revenge. I’m right here.” I put my palm up to his stubbly cheek, taking in his full lips and beautiful, sweet face.
If only he was always this version of himself—the one I had fallen in love with originally. The sweet, sensitive soul that I knew he had. My hopelessly romantic, Jack, who tragically wore his heart on his sleeve.
* * *
I took a walk around our neighborhood with no destination in mind as I usually did. I needed air while Jack went into Manhattan for meetings. All I could think about was this thing growing inside of me and how much I already resented it. How was I going to raise this child with Jack? I knew we would have beautiful children together, but why bring them into this chaotic world that Jack and I had created? If and when we had children, things needed to change with us. Our dynamic needed to change. I couldn’t always be afraid of what he would do, and he needed to stop holding things over my head. Leaving him was not an option, even if I could. I don’t know how the bond we created became so tight that it could never be pulled away. My love for him made no sense to the outside world, at least not to the people who knew what we really went through. As a certified people pleaser, I was surprised I didn’t care more about what they thought. But the only person I really wanted to please was Jack.
I found myself on the street of Dr. Levin’s office. Was Jack tracking me at this very moment? My heart began to race rapidly as I thought of an idea. I nearly ran to her office before I could change my mind.
I told the receptionist that I urgently needed to talk to Dr. Levin. I quietly whispered, “I need an abortion. Right now.” I’m sure I had a wild, desperate look in my eyes.
The receptionist gave me a look of sympathy. “Honey, we need to get you an appointment. Dr. Levin isn’t in the office today—we’ve only got nurse visits available and we’re not taking walk-ins.”
I turned and saw only one other person in the waiting room. I looked back to the receptionist.
“Please. Let me see the nurse then,” I replied feebly.
“I’m sorry.” She shook her head slowly, seemingly looking like even she was going to cry. “If you can wait till Friday, I can get you in then. First thing in the morning,” she said quietly.
I started to cry. I couldn’t come back here, not without Jack getting suspicious.
“I can’t wait until Friday. I need it now,” I whispered.
She shook her head again. “If you really need it now, there’s a clinic in Fort Greene. They deal with emergencies such as yours.”
“No, I—I can come Friday. I’ll figure it out. Please put me down for Friday.”
She nodded with a small smile. “Okay. We will see you Friday.”
Jack couldn’t have a say in this, not now. Having a child would make him even more controlling. We needed a plan, and, the way our life was right now, I was afraid he’d have all the say. I knew he would have all the say.
I would think of something. All I knew was that I was going to do whatever it took to make this happen.