Don’t You Want Me

Chapter 1

J ust a few more minutes, and his train would arrive.

Lisa sang along with the radio in her loudest shower voice, joyous to arrive at the station to wait for Adam. She had about two hours before her next client meeting, and this afternoon they’d agreed she’d pick him up at the train station for their usual rendezvous on nights she was scheduled to work late. She had not seen him in exactly three weeks, two days, and seven hours, but who was counting?

She was. She always counted.

From the moment he stepped out of her car, she started counting the days until their next rendezvous. Even before he was gone, she already missed him.

On days when they met, they both pretended to work late. Their encounters usually occurred at a stop along the train route on his way home from work, and they’d spend an hour or so talking in her car. When he missed the train home, she’d drive him to the station near his home where he had left the car that morning. Then she’d make the long, lonely way back to her house, often crying, usually resentful. On those marvelous yet rare occasions when they took a day off from work, they’d book a hotel where they’d pretend the outside world didn’t exist. There, in that space of wonder, they’d lose themselves—one skin, one heart, one breath. Yet Lisa was always present to the inescapable fact that every passing second was but one moment closer to going their separate ways, back to reality.

Each time he left, she never really knew when she’d see him again. Everything depended on his work schedule, his children, his family, and his wife.

Primarily his wife.

Lisa had a more flexible schedule. Her husband, Marcus, had become even more of a workaholic after their son had died. Now he either didn’t care where she was, or how late she stayed out, or he didn’t notice. The bottom line was that their marriage hadn’t worked for years.

But Adam’s wife was insistent he be home as much as possible to help with the children and to be with the family. Since they met two years ago, he had regaled Lisa with stories of how demanding, annoying, mean-spirited, selfish, critical, and unloving his wife was. It was no wonder Adam had told Lisa that, but for the children, he would have divorced his wife years before. Lisa counted on this assurance whenever she felt even slightly guilty about the affair.

As Lisa approached the station, butterflies fluttered in her stomach. She wondered if he had changed in the three weeks since they’d last met. She wondered if he’d still find her pretty. Of course he would. He always called her his “dish.” He said he loved her long, brown, wavy hair, her dark bedroom eyes, her lips always ready for a kiss. He complimented her chic taste in clothes, her perfectly manicured long nails, her dark pink lipstick. She knew he had no idea how much time and effort she put into her attire and her looks to please him. He told her he thought she threw herself together artfully, and he was crazy about her. Funny, though, he never told her he loved her, but she knew he did. She could feel it. He just couldn’t profess his love because he was scared. He had a family. He had obligations. His children were young.

He was married.

Lisa tried not to dwell too much on this last obstacle. Or that he was cheating on his wife. She rationalized away the fact that she was a participant in this cheating. She even managed to forget sometimes that she was cheating on her husband.

Cheating was such a terrible word. She preferred to refer to themselves as “unfortunate souls who were misunderstood and were not loved by their spouses.” Adam’s wife did not love him, so he had every right to find comfort in the arms of someone who adored him, of someone who was destined to be with him. He deserved to have her, and she deserved to have him. Their timing was just off.

At the train station, she found a parking spot away from the main staircase, far from intrusive eyes, nestled among the shadows of nightfall where they could forget the world for a fleeting hour or so.

Ten more minutes until he was due to arrive. Just enough time to calm down.

Eye makeup? Check.

Blush? Check.

Lipstick? Check.

Hair just right? Check.

Sweet breath? Check. But better take another mint, just in case.

Lisa settled down with her book. She always brought something to read when expecting Adam because she always had to wait for him. In train stations, in parks, at restaurants, in shopping malls, in bookstores. He usually missed his connecting train, or he got held up in a meeting, or something intervened. This drove his wife crazy. To Lisa, it was just a quirk. She had patience. She’d wait for him forever.

Tonight, the first train arrived without him on board. The next one was due in fifteen minutes. This gave her time to read her work notes.

Yet every minute he was late was one less minute they had together. She dismissed that sad thought. Every second with Adam was worth any inconvenience.

When the next train came and went with no Adam again, she started to worry. What if something happened to him? How strange that he had not called. While he was typically late, he was usually considerate.

Nervous about missing him, she called her best friend. Emily Martinez was the only person in the world who knew about her relationship with Adam. With Emily, Lisa could pour out her heart.

Thankfully, Emily picked up.

“Emily,” said Lisa in one continuous rapid breath, “I’m sitting here at the train station, waiting for Adam. He’s very late, and I’m getting worried.”

Matter-of-factly, Emily replied. “Why? He’s always late.”

“Well, this is a little later than usual. Plus, he hasn’t called.”

“You’re upset.” Emily knew Lisa well.

“No. I’m not upset…. Wait. Yes. I am.” The “I am” was muffled by a sob. Three weeks, two days, and seven hours of waiting for him was enough. Another hour was more than she could bear. “Here comes another train.”

“Maybe he’s on this one.” Emily’s encouragement didn’t sound too convincing.

Passengers walked down the steps, and the train left. No sign of Adam.

Lisa couldn’t contain her tears. “I can’t believe he’s still not here. We were supposed to meet tonight. We talked this afternoon. He said he was coming. I haven’t seen him in almost four weeks.” Her words were broken by choked tears.

“Lisa Coronado Williams. You’re sitting alone in your car, at night, at an empty station, waiting for a married guy who lies, so the two of you can steal some time, and then he can get back on the next train to his wife. Not to mention your husband is probably home, fully confident you’re at work. This is the life you’ve chosen. You can’t get so upset when things don’t go as planned.” Was Emily realistic? Lisa wasn’t in the mood for realistic.

“I know, I know,” she sighed. “But we’d agreed to see each other tonight. Doesn’t he know how to keep his word?”

Emily chuckled. “His word? Look, honey, I’m not trying to be mean. I know you love him, and I know you believe the two of you are meant to be together, but be realistic, Lisa. He’s married. The best you can hope for is that he shows up at some point. He’s not reliable.” Emily paused in her advice column speech.

“What?” Lisa asked, right eyebrow raised suspiciously at the quiet.

“What, what?” Emily stalled.

“What are you saying with the silence?” Lisa insisted.

“Lisa, I’ve always been honest with you. I love you as a sister. You’re my best friend, and I’d do anything for you. But this isn’t a good relationship for you. It was fun in the beginning; it was harmless as long as you weren’t attached to each other, but this is getting serious with you. I’m afraid you’re going to be very hurt, and you’re going to hurt other people even more if you don’t stop and think about what you’re doing.”

“I know,” Lisa uttered softly.

“He’s not good for you, Lisa. He’s married; you’re married. Against my better judgment, I’ve stayed impartial about this affair for the last two years, thinking it would help you for a while as a distraction until you found your way back from the crushing sadness with which you’ve been living since the baby. It’s clear though that this has become more than a fling. If you’re so unhappy with Marcus, if you don’t love him anymore, divorce him and find someone who’ll love you back, with no strings or wives attached.” Emily paused and took a deep breath. “It’s 2008, Lisa. You’re a grown, professional, smart, forty-year-old woman. You’ve been through so much with all the miscarriages, and, after all that, losing your son. You’ve come a long way from those days. It’s high time you live a full life, and stop hiding in shadows.”

Lisa cried quietly. Her friend was right: this was no way to live. Ever since her infant son had died, the only thing that had gone well for Lisa was meeting Adam. Being in love with him helped her forget the pain of her loss, the emptiness of her marriage with Marcus, and the unrelenting sadness that permeated her life. She had initially thought Adam was the answer, but two years was more than long enough to hide in dark train stations. Sending secret emails. Stealing time from work to have lunch. Sneaking off to motels. Never having any stability, lying to everyone, especially to herself. She lived in limbo.

The first day she met Adam had been an ordinary day like any other. Marcus was away on a business trip, so she met friends at a bar in the city. The plan was to have just a couple of drinks, then dinner, then early back home.

She had sat at the bar waiting for her friend Tina. A few minutes and a few sips of Cabernet later, Tina had arrived with some other friends from work—two men and two women. Lisa couldn’t even remember anymore who they were. Introductions all around, smiles and handshakes, everything cool for a Thursday happy hour. “Where’s Adam?” Tina asked the other coworkers. “Oh, he’s running late. You know Adam.” They shared a knowing chuckle.

A few minutes later, something told Lisa to turn her head to the door just as a tall, dark-haired man walked into the bar. He commanded attention although Lisa couldn’t pinpoint why at the time. He looked around a bit arrogantly as if he were annoyed there wasn’t a group gathered at the door to greet him upon arrival.

“Well, he sure is cocky,” she muttered to no one in particular. Fortunately, no one listened.

“Hey, Adam, glad you could make it,” one of the guys yelled. “This is Lisa Williams, the friend I told you about.”

“Hi. I’m Adam Scheiner.” He extended his hand. Lisa took it, surprised at how firm his handshake was. She was used to guys giving women a limp handshake as if trying not to hurt their hands. They lingered a bit with the handshake. Not perceptibly, but a second longer than necessary for an introduction. His hands were the softest she had ever held. He mustn’t have worked a hard day in his life, she mused.

“You two have a lot in common,” said Tina. “Adam went to Columbia too, Lisa.” Tina patted the empty stool next to Lisa, smiling all the while. “Adam, sit down and regale Lisa with how you used to ignore the women at Barnard.”

He sat down, not taking his eyes off Lisa and asked her what she was drinking.

“Cabernet.”

“Sounds good. I’ll join you.”

Something about the way he said “I’ll join you” made her nervous. But he had such a genuine smile, she found herself relaxing.

They started talking. She started feeling comfortable, like she had known him all her life, as if they had been friends forever.

And then it seemed everything around them disappeared. The music stopped, the room got silent, no beers were poured, no waitresses walked around. The only people left in the world were them. They talked of college at Barnard and Columbia in New York City in the ’80s, of their jobs, of their families. About their love for The Beatles and classical music, about concerts, pop music, family, and traditions. They could have talked for hours, for days. They could have talked forever.

He looked at this watch. “Oh, shit. I’ve missed my train.” He looked worried.

“Take the next one.” Lisa was having too good a time to let him go just yet.

“Next one won’t come for another hour.” Now he seemed more worried.

“It’s OK. I have my car here. I’ll drive you home.” She hoped he’d say yes. She wanted to talk to him some more.

“Nah. I couldn’t impose.”

“Sure you could. I’m ready to leave anyway. I have a long day tomorrow.” Big fat lie.

“Well, in that case….”

The lie worked.

***

Another train pulled up to the station. The car emptied of passengers.

Still on the phone, Emily cleared her throat. “Well?”

“Nope, no Adam. It’s late. I guess I should give up.”

“Wash your face, reapply your makeup, and forget about tonight for now. Tomorrow you’ll find out what happened.”

They hung up. What to do next? Lisa knew she needed to leave this situation, but she didn’t know how. She had invested two years on this dream that he would one day leave his wife. But she hadn’t done anything to leave her husband either. Sometimes it felt like they were stuck on a merry-go-round—not going anywhere, not able to escape.

If they had met when they were in college, they might have taken a class together, or bumped into each other at a concert, or been introduced by mutual friends on campus. There were a million ways they might have known one another when they were young and free. Lisa was certain they would have felt an instant attraction, gone on a date, started a relationship. They would have been inseparable. They would have recognized their souls back then, and they wouldn’t be married to other people now.

Her attention was drawn to the radio. Wow, she hadn’t heard “Don’t You Want Me” in a long time. A blast from the past, it was just as annoying in 1982 as it was now. While she listened, another part of her continued the pretty dream. What would life have been like with Adam and her when they were little more than teenagers? What would she do differently if she knew then what she knew now? Her mind wandered backwards in time.

“Don’t you want me baby? Don’t you want me oh oh oh oh?” The words were laughable and mesmerizing at the same time.

Opening the window a crack to get some fresh air, she enjoyed the breeze on her skin, all alive and prickly, goosebumps all up and down her arms.

Her thoughts were so vivid. She saw herself and Adam, like in a movie, sitting next to each other on the Low Library steps on the Columbia campus. She imagined a night much like this one, a little cool, not quite yet dark, dozens of kids hanging out, smoking. She could smell the smoke. How could she smell the smoke?

Suddenly she felt cold and hot at the same time, her skin damp and clammy, as if she had a fever. Nausea churned in her stomach.

She tried to change the radio station. No matter what station she tried, the same song was playing.

“What the…?” The song seemed even louder now. “You know I don’t believe you when you say that you don’t need me…”

Above the din of the music, she could hear the thump of her pulse in her neck. She sensed her heart racing. Her breathing quickened, and she felt like she was definitely going to throw up. She reached for the glove compartment, looking for one of the grocery bags she kept there for car trash collection. Her arm brushed up against the radio controls, and the volume went up even louder. She tried vainly to turn off the radio as she searched for the bag.

Then there was silence and darkness.

Her ears were buzzing. She blinked her eyes fast, trying to adjust to bright lights. That song was still playing, but she was sitting on the Low Library steps. She looked around, confused, not sure where she was and certainly not knowing why she was there. People were walking around, dancing, laughing.

It’s much too late to find

When you think you’ve changed your mind

You’d better change it back or we will both be sorry.

Don’t you want me baby?

She hugged herself. Yes, she was still intact. She rubbed her stomach, still feeling a dull ache. She couldn’t understand. She had just been in the car, looking for a bag. How could she have been in the car and now she was here, on the Columbia steps? It looked like a party was going on.

“This dream is really vivid,” she said to herself. Her friend Emily yelled back. “Yeah, it’s a real dream.”

Lisa looked to her right. Why was Emily sitting here with her? “What did you say?”

“I answered you. You said this dream is really vivid, and I agreed.” Emily looked confused. “What’s wrong with you? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

Lisa stared at her. She thought she was losing her mind. Did she knock herself out in her car back at the station?

Emily looked the same, only young again. Same curly unruly hair down to her shoulders and held back in a ponytail, soft brown eyes, short, with the loudest laugh and a huge smile that showed all her teeth.

“How did we get here?” Lisa asked, afraid of the answer.

Emily laughed. “Why are you acting so weird? We walked over here from my dorm. We’re meeting our friends, remember? Georgia, Donna, Elena, and Serge? We’re hanging out tonight.”

Lisa couldn’t understand her friend’s answer. She continued to stare at her. These were all college friends. How could they go out tonight? What was going on here?

Emily repeated, “Lisa Coronado, what is the matter with you? Did you hit your head or something?”

“Emily, listen to me carefully. Something strange is going on. What day is it?” Lisa braced herself for the answer.

“OK, you have lost your mind. Today is Thursday. Party night!” Emily looked ebullient. That alone was weird. Emily was never ebullient. She was a serious student. Her idea of partying was getting sandwiches from V&Ts deli and drinking Kamikazes in the dorm. But here she was, on the steps, dancing.

“What’s the date?”

Emily didn’t get a chance to answer. Just at that moment, Donna, Georgia, and Elena showed up on the pathway, at the bottom of the steps. Emily waved her arms hello, signaling them to climb. A few feet behind them, Serge headed towards them, talking to another guy.

“Hi!” squealed the girls. Emily asked, “Who’s the guy with Serge?”

Lisa looked towards Serge and noticed that he and his companion were ambling up the stairs with nary a care in the world. Lisa stood up to see above the crowd. She gasped, instantly knowing the answer to Emily’s question. She recognized that face, that build, the way he walked. His hair was dark, of course. Longer, untamed, unmanageable. But there was no doubt it was him.

Serge smiled as he approached the group. “Hey, guys! This is Adam.”

Lisa felt dizzy and swayed on her feet. Adam was closest to her and grabbed her by the arm, stopping her from falling down. “Whoa, are you all right?”

She stared at him.

How could this be? she thought.

He repeated the question. “Are you OK?”

She found her voice. “Uh, yeah, yeah. I’m fine.”

“Good, ’cause I’d hate for you to fall into my arms before we’ve barely gotten to know each other.” He laughed. She loved that laugh.

He stood there with a goofy sort of smile, a mixture of looking good and acting nerdy. “So, what’s your name? I couldn’t hear it since you were faint and all.” He laughed again. Lisa couldn’t stop staring at him. She looked dazed still, as if she were talking to a ghost.

Emily came to her rescue. “Her name is Lisa. She’s not quite herself yet tonight. Too much studying before we got here and obviously not enough alcohol. Why don’t we head on over to the bar?”

Adam didn’t take his eyes off Lisa while Emily was talking. “Yeah, I need something to eat before I start drinking. Want to come with me?” His question was directed at Lisa and Lisa only. She nodded dumbly. She didn’t trust her mouth to utter the right words.

Emily came close to Lisa, leaned into her ear conspiratorially, and whispered, “He’s cute, but are you really going to pretend to faint around him?” She giggled.

“Shush, he’ll hear you,” Lisa whispered back.

Before she was able to say anything else, Adam grabbed Lisa’s hand and yelled out to the others, “Where are you all going after this? We’ll meet you. Lisa and I are going to get a bite first.” He gently pulled her with him down the stairs, barely waiting to hear the answer to his question. His hand was soft and warm, safe.

Elena yelled out, “We’re going to the West End. You can eat there!” But Adam had his own plans apparently. “Go on! We’ll meet you later.” He gave no further explanation and skipped down the stairs, his hand gripping Lisa’s, pulling her with him. She said nothing, turned her head back for an instant, grinned at her friends, waved goodbye with her free hand, and followed him down the rest of the steps, headed towards the street. She didn’t care where they went, how long they’d be there, or if they ever came back.