19. Lillian #2
Lillian’s breath hitched, and she wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, trying to calm herself, but the tears wouldn’t stop. The silence stretched on for another minute before she finally found the courage to speak, her voice shaky and broken.
"I can’t do it, Olivia," Lillian whispered, her voice barely audible. "I’ve tried so hard, but it’s never enough. I’m never enough. Not for her, not for Mom, not for anyone."
Olivia reached out and placed a hand gently on Lillian’s arm, offering silent support.
"I messed up in the OR," Lillian continued, her voice thick with emotion. "It was a huge mistake. I could’ve killed someone. And...and Rebecca was there. She just fixed it like it was nothing, like I was nothing. She barely looked at me, Liv. She was so cold."
Olivia frowned, not interrupting, just listening as Lillian poured out her pain.
"And then, Rebecca," Lillian’s voice broke when she said her name. "We were...involved, I guess. I thought it was more than just work. But I was wrong. I wasn’t enough for her either. She just... I tried to open up, to ask for more, but she shut me out. She made me feel like I didn’t matter, like I was just a distraction. "
Lillian let out a shaky breath, her hands trembling as she wiped at her tears again. "And now Mom... She thinks I’m a failure. She always does. It’s like no matter what I do, I’m never enough. I’ll never be like you or Catherine or Roz. I’ll never live up to what they expect."
Olivia squeezed Lillian’s arm gently, waiting for her to finish before speaking.
"You’re not a failure, Lillian," Olivia said softly, her voice filled with sincerity.
"You made a mistake. That happens, even to the best of us.
And as for Rebecca..." She paused, as if choosing her words carefully. "If she couldn’t see how amazing you are, that’s her loss, not yours.
You deserve someone who lifts you up, not someone who makes you feel small. "
Lillian sniffled, her head leaning against her knees as she listened. Olivia’s voice was like a balm on the open wounds she had been carrying.
"And Mom…," Olivia continued, her tone more measured now. "Her coldness isn’t a reflection of you, Lil. It’s about her. It’s always been about her need for control and perfection. But that’s not something you have to carry. You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to be you."
"But I’m not enough," Lillian whispered, her voice barely audible. "I don’t know how to be strong like you guys."
"You’re stronger than you think," Olivia replied firmly, her hand now resting on Lillian’s back. "You’ve been through so much, and you’re still here. That’s strength, Lil. And you’re not alone. You don’t have to do this by yourself."
Lillian’s breath hitched again, but this time it wasn’t from sadness. It was from the small sense of relief that came from hearing Olivia’s words. The pain was still there—raw and fresh— but for the first time in days, Lillian didn’t feel quite so isolated in it.
"I don’t know what to do, Olivia," Lillian confessed, her voice soft and vulnerable. "I feel like I’m drowning in all of this. I don’t know how to fix anything."
"You don’t have to fix everything right now," Olivia said gently. "One step at a time. And I’ll be here with you every step of the way. You’re not alone in this, okay?"
Lillian finally looked up, her eyes red and swollen from crying, but there was a flicker of hope in them.
She nodded slowly, grateful for Olivia’s unwavering support.
She leaned into her sister’s side, resting her head on Olivia’s shoulder, allowing herself to be comforted in a way she hadn’t allowed herself to feel in a long time.
"Thanks, Liv," Lillian murmured, her voice a little steadier now.
"You don’t have to thank me," Olivia said softly, wrapping an arm around Lillian’s shoulders. "That’s what family is for."
They sat there in silence for a while, Lillian finding comfort in the quiet, steady presence of her sister. The weight of her emotions was still heavy, but Olivia’s support made it a little easier to bear. For the first time in what felt like weeks, Lillian didn’t feel quite so lost.
Lillian leaned her head against Olivia’s shoulder, the weight of the night settling into her bones, but the warmth of her sister’s presence eased some of the pain.
The tears had slowed, and though her heart still ached, it no longer felt as though it was shattering into a thousand pieces.
Olivia’s arm around her felt like a tether, something steady to hold onto when everything else in her life felt like it was spinning out of control.
The quiet between them was comfortable now, the emotional rawness of the evening slowly fading. Lillian closed her eyes for a moment, letting herself just breathe, feeling the rise and fall of Olivia’s steady presence beside her. She had always been the one to lean on, and tonight was no different.
Her thoughts drifted back over the events that had led her here: her mother’s harsh words, the suffocating expectations, the mistake in the OR that haunted her, and Rebecca’s cold, distant rejection. It all swirled inside her, a heavy mix of shame, regret, and sadness.
I’ve been carrying so much. Too much.
The thought settled in her mind, and she realized just how long she had been trying to meet impossible expectations—her mother’s, Rebecca’s, even her own.
Every mistake felt magnified under the weight of those expectations, every misstep a reminder that she wasn’t enough.
She had been running herself ragged trying to be perfect, trying to live up to a legacy that had never felt like her own.
Lillian lifted her head slightly, her eyes focusing on the darkened sky above. I can’t keep doing this , she thought, the realization bringing with it a sense of both fear and freedom. I can’t keep chasing after something I’ll never be.
Her mother’s coldness wasn’t something she could change. Rebecca’s emotional distance wasn’t something she could fix. And the mistakes she had made in the OR, while painful, were part of the learning process. She wasn’t perfect, and she didn’t need to be.
"I’ve been so scared of failing," Lillian murmured, her voice soft, barely louder than a whisper. "I’ve been trying so hard to prove myself, but I don’t think I’ve even been doing it for me."
Olivia shifted slightly, glancing down at Lillian with quiet understanding. "You’ve been trying to live up to everyone else’s expectations," she said gently. "But you don’t have to, Lil. You’re allowed to figure out what you want, what makes you happy."
Lillian nodded, the words sinking in deeply. She had spent so much of her life worrying about what others thought of her— whether she was good enough for her mother, for Rebecca, for the legacy of the Harrington family. But somewhere along the way, she had lost sight of herself.
I need to find my own path. I need to stop chasing after their approval and figure out what I want and who I want to be.
It wouldn’t be easy. The road ahead felt daunting, and she knew there would still be moments where the weight of her family’s expectations would press down on her, where the wounds from her relationship with Rebecca would sting. But Lillian wasn’t going to let it break her. Not anymore.
She took a deep breath, her shoulders relaxing slightly as a quiet resolve settled over her. She didn’t have to have all the answers right now. She didn’t have to be perfect. She just had to keep going, one step at a time, and figure out her own path on her own terms.
With Olivia beside her, offering her quiet support, Lillian felt like she could face whatever was ahead. For the first time in a long time, she didn’t feel completely lost.
"I don’t know what the next step is," Lillian admitted softly, her voice a little steadier now. "But I want to figure it out. I want to heal."
Olivia smiled gently, squeezing Lillian’s hand. "And you will. You’re stronger than you think, Lil. And whatever you decide, I’ll be right here supporting you."
Lillian returned the smile, feeling a flicker of hope rise inside her. The path ahead wasn’t clear, and the wounds from the past few weeks would take time to heal, but she wasn’t alone. And for now, that was enough.
As the cool night air brushed against her skin, Lillian made a quiet but firm promise to herself: she would reclaim her life. She would heal, and she would do it for her, not for anyone else. It was time to start living for herself, to find out what truly mattered to her.
With Olivia by her side, she knew she had someone in her corner. And that gave her the strength she needed to take the first step.