Chapter 21 #2
Del, if you need anything please let us know!
Sahar
We love you!!
Nic emphasized “We love you!!”
Maya
I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m in Charleston and your location tells me you’re only an hour-and-a-half flight away. I can be there ASAP and I love you so much!
Right as I raise my fist to knock on Chase and Finn’s bedroom door, I hear two voices.
I quickly realize it’s Matteo talking to Chase, and though Matteo was visibly angry with him earlier, he seems to have calmed down.
I don’t know how long they’ve been at this, but their voices aren’t raised and they almost seem… friendly?
“I know how easy it is to give in to the anger,” Matteo states. “To lash out at others for the shitty hand you’ve been dealt. You might not know or care, but I’ve been in your shoes, and I promise you, life only gets harder the more you lean into that.”
Chase, shockingly amenable, responds, “What do I do instead?”
“Find something that makes you happy, even on your worst days. Something that reminds you that there is good in this world, no matter how bad it’s been to you. That you are deserving of lots of good things.”
“What’s that something for you? Ten—”
“Your sister.” My breathing stutters along with my heartbeat.
Chase laughs quietly. “I should’ve guessed.”
“Therapy also helps. I’ve learned—”
I back away from the door, knowing I’ve heard more than I should have, but the wood beneath my foot creaks, and a moment later, the door swings open. Matteo scoops me into his arms, burying his head in my neck.
“You okay?” he asks, panic sharpening the edges of his words.
“I’m okay,” I breathe.
He sets me down. When I glance inside my brothers’ room, Chase sits on his bed with his back against the wall, his shoulders slumped, eyes on his hands in his lap. Matteo kisses my temple and lets me go, disappearing into the living room.
I close the door as I walk in and settle on Finn’s bed, across from Chase. My brother doesn’t look up.
“How much have you been yelled at by people besides me today?” I ask, knowing Hazel probably gave him a piece of her mind in addition to what Matteo may have said to him.
“Probably not as much as I deserve.”
“Have you been told how stupid it was for you to drive Finn?” He nods. “How screwed up it was for you to put his life, his future, on the line for a drink?” Another nod. “How terrifying it is to see you going down this path when we saw what it turned Dad into?”
His eyes snap to mine. “That one’s new,” he croaks.
“How about this? I’m tired of bailing you out. I can’t continue to sacrifice my emotional and financial stability to help you when you’re not willing to help yourself.”
The words stoke something in him. “I never asked for you to come back. Either time.”
“You’re right. You didn’t. Next time, I’ll let you rot away at Dad’s favorite bar. What I will not do is let you jeopardize the well-being of the twins by dragging them down with you.”
His shoulders slump more than before, head hanging low. “I know. I’m sorry. I never meant for anything to happen to Finn. I trusted Dad, and I shouldn’t have.”
Sighing, I shift over to sit on the edge of his bed.
I know a white flag when I hear one. We could go back and forth like this for hours if we wanted.
Instead, I say, “I get why you’re mad at me.
I do. I’m sorry I haven’t been the best sister.
I thought helping financially was enough, at least until you were all grown up.
I spent so much of my childhood taking care of the four of us that it’s been hard to separate myself from that role.
But I was never there for you when it mattered. ”
“It’s fine.”
“It’s not. I haven’t called you to talk to you about how you’ve been. You felt abandoned when I moved out. That’s important to me, and it’s even more important to me that you feel you can talk to me.”
He doesn’t respond. There’s an obvious wall standing strong around his feelings, but I have an idea.
I hop off, grabbing the top sheet from my bed across the hall and throwing it over our heads when I return.
A peace offering. It’s immediately stuffy, but there’s a lightness in Chase’s eyes that tells me he remembers.
“Your turn to tell me how you feel,” I murmur.
“We’re going to suffocate.”
“Then you’d better get on with it.”
“I was pissed. I am pissed. I knew things were going to change when you left, but I didn’t realize how much.
You never called. Ever. I didn’t mind taking care of the twins, especially after everything you did for the three of us.
But you and I shared so much for years, and then you left and suddenly had nothing to say. ”
I nod, having thought through all of that after my conversation with Hazel.
“What if we call a truce? We’re not going to resolve this all today, and I don’t expect you to forgive me anytime soon.
But maybe you can tell me what I can do so we can move forward and make things right, and I can do the same. ”
Chase’s face disappears for a moment, gasping for air outside of the blanket. I laugh and do the same. When we’re both back under it, he says, “I don’t know. Treat us like you care about us, I guess. Instead of acting like we’re an obligation.”
I smile, though it hurts to hear. Because I do care about them, so much.
I just haven’t been caring for them in the ways they want me to.
“Okay. Let’s plan for a sibling call once a week.
We’ll find a time that works for all of us and we’ll update each other, even if it’s only for a few minutes. Does that work?”
He shrugs. “Yeah.”
“Great. And I want you to do things for yourself. I know I was focused on you going to school, but if that’s not what you want, then get a job. Pay your own bills.”
His head falls back until it hits the wall behind him. “There was never a state school opportunity. I dropped out. Months ago.”
Bile rises in my throat. I swallow it, hard, schooling my features. “The money from the shared account? When my card got declined?”
“Had a couple of parties. Bought alcohol for me and Dad a few times. Drugs. Dumb shit I didn’t need.”
I so badly want to put my head in my hands and sob. To beg him to come off this path and join me as a productive member of society, but I can’t do that. As I’ve learned with Dad, he has to want it.
“Then you need a job, whether you go back to school or not. You owe it all back to me plus the money for repairs on the Saturn. I’m planning to buy the twins a car to share, so you keep the Vue, if it’s still operational. And if not, you find your own transportation.”
His eyes meet mine. “I’m cut off?”
“One hundred percent. What you do with your life is up to you. I’m not going to be here to bail you out anymore. I can’t be. But I can be a sounding board for things. Like figuring out what you want to do in life. Finding a path you’re excited about. I want to be around for that.”
I can’t help but think of little Chase, following me around the house while I did chores.
Asking me to watch him do somersaults in the tiny backyard.
Learning alongside me the right way to hold up a baby so their small bodies don’t snap.
Sitting with me in the kitchen while I made breakfast for us before we wrangled the twins, or dinner after we put them to bed.
The team our circumstances forced us to become but that I wouldn’t have wanted any other way.
I must not be the only one reminiscing because he says, “I miss when Mrs. Elliott used to turn on her sprinklers for us a few minutes early so we could run through them and pretend we were at a water park.”
I laugh. “Or when she pretended not to know we were the ones digging in her garden for carrots. Or stealing oranges from her half-defunct orange tree.”
He snorts. “We thought we were so sneaky.”
We trade more memories. Blankets knitted with love so we stayed warm in the winters.
Potlucks the community put on at Mrs. Elliott’s house that, the more I think about it, seemed to appear out of thin air when we were running low on money and hungrier than usual.
And sadder ones: each of us waiting for Mom to come back and never telling the other, a hint of a thought of calling CPS before the guilt and shame ate us up and we knew nothing about getting separated would make the call worth it.
The resentment that built between us when I started making money on my own and he had to step up more around the house. The guilt we felt for that resentment.
“We were lucky in our own ways,” I muse. “Luckier than many. We had each other. And the community.” And the Wards.
“And unluckier than many,” Chase responds, the glass-half-empty counterpart to my glass half full.
“So, you’re good with the truce?” I want us to fix this the best we can, even if we can’t make up entirely for the ways we’ve hurt each other.
Chase nods. “Yeah. And I’m sorry again. I really didn’t mean for anything to happen to Finn. I never meant to involve anyone else in…whatever this shit is that I’m dealing with.”
“I…I get it. You’re twenty. You’re going to make mistakes.”
“You didn’t.”
I laugh. “I’ve made more mistakes in my life than I can count. I’m sorry if I ever made it seem otherwise. What matters is that you learn from them. And that you stop putting Hazel and Finn at risk.”
Tears bite my eyes when the next apology forms in my head, but I shake it loose.
It’s not my apology to make. Sure, I wish he had the parents he deserves.
I wish that for all of us. But saying it now, when we’re all about to move into a new phase of our lives, would be pointless.
So I allow it to sit in my chest for a moment before letting the hurt of losing the people who were supposed to protect me go.
I let her go too. The woman with the blue eyes to match mine and the unruly blonde hair who promised me a better life and then disappeared when the one we had got too hard. I let go of the idea of seeing her again. Of the idea that she might still turn up, wanting to see what we made of ourselves.
And when the thought brings a fresh wave of tears, I bite so hard on my cheeks that I taste blood.
Hopefully, things will slowly get better between my siblings and me, but there’s one person who I’ve given more credit than they deserve.
A person I’ve been desperate to have back, who I’ve subconsciously known will never be strong enough to pull himself from his addiction. Or be pulled from it by someone else.
And while putting my foot down today may have gotten him out of the house for however long, I have no idea whether he’ll try to come back as soon as I leave.
“I think it’s time we talk about Dad.”