Chapter 50
Elliot’s home studio has really started to feel like a second home. Since we both live in Atlanta, there is no reason why we shouldn’t record together. He’s got the perfect man cave set up. The walls are pure black, only offset by light wood floors, white brick, and comfy leather furniture. I know damn well Elliot didn’t decorate this room on his own. It's got the Ziggy touch. Some of Elliot’s team memorabilia is strategically placed just so, which makes the room look like it’s straight out of a magazine. So we spend all of our free time together on recording days here.
I’m a few weeks into the full time co-host gig, and it's been smooth sailing. The feel of the microphone in my hand will never be the same shot of adrenaline straight to the veins, but it has given me a new routine. Nothing will ever provide the same absolute chaos filled experience that hockey can, but recording has its own unique energy.
Bryce is stuck in Pittsburg for the foreseeable future with training camp starting for the upcoming season. He’s lucky that he even got the time approved for Elliot and Ziggy’s wedding. There is no way in hell they are letting him have time off to record the podcast. His attempt to join us by video chat for today’s recording is failing miserably. His face is as pixelated as a fingerpainting through the connection but I can still tell that he has something up his sleeve. Elliot only fuels the fire, cracking his knuckles and watching me carefully out of the corner of his eye.
“So, there are only so many hockey topics we can discuss during the off season. I think folks are tired of yammering on about what we did over the weekend and the hockey gossip.” Bryce starts, his voice casual but pointed, “Oren, I was hoping you would be willing to dive into your personal story.”
A cold sweat starts to bead on my hairline, I blink rapidly, suddenly on edge. I didn’t really expect to have this discussion for the entire world to hear, but why shouldn’t I? There’s nothing to be ashamed of about getting injured, or choosing to not return to hockey. Retirement was a decision that eventually came to me easily, when it’s all said and done. Why should I shy away from that? But it doesn’t make it easier.
“Sure,” I say, with a bit of a groan. “What do you want to know?”
“Last season was a rough one for you. It started with you fighting anything with arms and happened to be standing in your path, then warming the bench or the box as punishment. Then to end a rocky season, a career-altering injury rocked your world and resulted in you being out for the rest of the season,” Bryce continues. He carefully studies me, judging my reaction, “What can you share with our listeners about the experience?”
I take a very deep breath, gripping the edges of the table, struggling to find the right words. Right after the injury, this experience felt like the end of the world. Sure, it's been shitty and hard at times, but in reality, the pros of staying in Atlanta, building a life with Lily and Rachel has made it so much easier than it would’ve been otherwise. Even though it's been easier than I ever expected, it's still not a linear journey. Sometimes it's the easiest decision in the world, and others, it really fucking sucks. But even on those bad days, I wouldn’t change a thing. It's hard to sum it all up, the words stick in my throat for a second, but I force them out.
“It’s been tough,” I admit, my voice cracking subtly. “I can’t lie about it, man. Hockey’s been my entire life, my whole identity, for as long as I can remember. I am Oren Samuels, the defenseman, the enforcer, the guy who’s always ready to drop the mitts. I made a career out of making those big hits. My specialty is getting the team into or out of tough spots. Now that I’m none of those things, who am I? The lack of hockey leaves this…this massive hole.”
Bryce nods, his face solemn within the screen of the video call as he listens intently. “Yeah, I don’t think most people understand just how much of a professional athlete’s life and identity is tied up in their sport.”
“Exactly. So now, I need to find a healthy, productive way to find my footing.” I lean my forearms on the table, feeling some of the weight I’ve been holding onto start to lift off of me. “The injury. Damn, it was brutal. Mentally, everything’s been difficult, and because of that, I’m sure I wasn’t as emotionally sound as I could have been. When my doctor first suggested I should think about a future outside of hockey, I got so angry. There was nothing I could do about it, and all of a sudden, it was just over.”
Elliot gives me a fleeting sympathetic nod, but he moves past it quickly. While Elliot never dealt with an injury ending his career, he’s still completely aware of what it feels like for hockey to be over seemingly overnight. He urges me to continue, knowing I’ve barely scratched the surface.
“I’ve been very lucky. I have an amazing support system throughout this,” I say, my voice growing stronger. “They’ve given me the space to come to terms with everything on my own time and kicked my ass when I needed it. Honestly, this whole experience…it’s scary as hell. I’m not gonna sugarcoat it. But it’s also been eye-opening.”
“Oh, yeah?” Bryce raises an eyebrow. “How so?”
“Yeah, man. I’ve learned so much about myself and what I want out of life,” I say honestly, thinking about my girls. “More than I ever thought possible, actually. Hockey was everything to me, but this injury showed me that I have so much more than just hockey. If I remained healthy, I wouldn’t have been out of the game and probably would’ve been worse off for it. And that would have been a damn shame.”
Bryce and Elliot stay silent, seemingly surprised by what I’ve said and how open I've been. Elliot waggles his eyebrows at me, giving me a lopsided, half smile because everything that I'm saying is true and I’d yell it from the rooftops.
“My girlfriend, my daughter,” I say with a chuckle, giving Elliot a pointed look as his shoulders shake with laughter. “Yes, laugh it up assholes. My girls are a huge part of what I want out of life.”
“They’ve given me something to focus on, to look forward to,” I continue, my voice softening. “And yeah, at the end of the day, I’ll miss playing every day, but I wouldn’t trade where I’m at right now for anything.”
“Wow, I never thought I’d see the day that Oren Samuels became the family man.” Elliot leans forward, a smile spreading on his face, but his eyes remain serious. “Do you feel like you’re starting to find your new footing?”
“Yeah, I think so. I have a great personal life, which is all I’ll say on the matter.” I shoot the boys a smirk. “Professionally, you guys have given me an incredible opportunity,” I take a deep breath before continuing on. “I’m excited about what’s next, even if it’s not what I originally imagined.”
Bryce gives me a solid nod. “It takes guts to be this open, man. You aren’t the only player out there going through something. There is still this stigma about talking about it. It’s hard and isolating for those going through it. Thank you for being so open with us about this. We appreciate you, man.”
“I don’t know about having guts, man,” I laugh softly, shaking my head. “It’s just reality. Not accepting it or talking openly or publicly about it isn’t going to change it. Might as well just face it. It’s terrifying, but it’s also kind of freeing.”
Elliot finally turns off recording and it feels like I had a free therapy session. I laid all my truth out on the table and left the unnecessary stuff behind. I stand up and start packing my stuff up.
“That was solid, buddy,” Elliot slaps me on the back. “Vulnerability suits you.”
Laughing, I shake my head. “Yeah, don’t get used to it.”
“How dare,” Elliot clutches his chest in mock offense, “there is nothing wrong with getting in touch with your vulnerable side.”
“Thanks, man,” I say, starting to feel a little self conscious about all of the attention. “I appreciate it, but I've hit my quota for the day. I’m outta here.”
I’ve really been reveling in my free time since retirement. I’m just lounging on the couch in my sweats, watching ESPN while Lily naps. Rachel’s at work for a few more hours so we are straight chilling. My phone starts going insane. I glance over at the screen; it’s a group call from Bryce and Elliot. Very weird. I talk to these guys enough. We are not ‘talk on the phone’ kinda dudes. It’s usually just a text from one of them, maybe a group text on a rare occasion.
I pick up, putting it on speaker, and Bryce’s voice immediately blasts through the speaker. “Dude, you are not going to believe this!”
I sit up, curious. “What’s up?”
Elliot’s voice cuts in, more unhinged than Bryce's. “The numbers are in from last week’s episode, man. It’s insane! Like insane, insane! The ratings skyrocketed. Apparently, all of the Hit Behind the Net listeners listened and invited 10 of their friends to listen.”
“I’m sorry,” I blink. “What?”
“Yes!” Bryce shouts. “Your episode—people are loving it. Talking about your injury, how open you were about leaving hockey, everything. It’s blown the hell up. Our regular listeners are loving it, and new listeners are eating this shit up. One of my sources even said they’re planning on mentioning it on the sports network during opening day coverage.”
“I don’t understand what everyone loves so much?” I rub the back of my neck, not sure how to process that. “I was just…talking. Didn’t expect it to be a big deal.”
“Well, it is a big deal,” Elliot says. “I thought when I talked about walking away from the game, people would relate, which they did. But this is so different. Leaving because I wanted to is one thing, but having the decision made for you because of an injury? It’s hitting people hard. People are seeing another side of the sport and players.”
Bryce jumps in. “Our episode is showing people that a large chunk of professional sports is struggling to be good enough to make it in the league, win your next game, or bring home the big one that day’s game. And the rest of it is figuring out who the hell you are when the game is gone.”
I lie back down on the couch, unable to remain upright, letting everything sink in. It’s amazing that my story could have this kind of impact on people.
“Oh, it gets better,” Elliot’s voice pulls me out of my thoughts. “We’re getting offers.”
I raise an eyebrow. “The fuck does offers mean?”
“Brand deals, sponsorships,” Bryce chimes in. “They’re hitting us from all sides, my dudes. People want to work with us and find a way to highlight more than just the game side of things. It’s turning into something big, man.”
“That’s….” I can’t help but grin. “Wow. I didn’t expect any of this.”
“I mean, this is like best case scenario,” Elliot admits. “And it's actually fucking happening. You’ve got a whole new full-time career right here. Hockey or not, you’re killing it.”
“So what now?” I ask, feeling a surge of excitement.
Bryce, always the big-picture guy, jumps in immediately. “What if we expand beyond just regular hockey commentary? This is our chance to grab the attention of other people with lifestyle type things. Highlight Athletes’ mental health or recovery. What life is like off the ice. Bring in more guests and dive into how different players find their next chapter. Hell, maybe we get your doctor on the podcast. Talk about injuries, rehab, mental health. You know, give people that inside look at the medical side of things. What it really looks like behind the scenes.”
A hearty laugh breaks out of my chest because I can actually imagine Ford’s reaction if we had Maria on the podcast. And that alone, is enough reason to make it happen. “Ford would lose his mind, let’s do it!”
Elliot’s practically squealing, “Hell yeah, fuck yeah. The segment names are already coming to me.”
“Settle down, now. Don’t get ahead of yourself,” I chuckle.
Elliot claps his hands together, the sound echoing through the phone. “We can give people something different. Anyone can provide the stats and game recap but we can do more than that!” At this point I’m getting fired up.
“Exactly, man. I’ll talk to Gordie.” Bryce says with conviction.
“Alright,” I say, grinning. “Let’s make this thing huge.”
“Damn right,” Elliot laughs.
After we hang up, I sit there for a while longer. It's all so surreal. A few short months ago, I was spiraling. Wondering what the hell I was going to do with my time. But now? There’s a different kind of fire igniting me. The podcast is giving me the sense of purpose I’ve been searching for. I needed to be useful again, outside of my personal life. As important as my family is, and it's the most important thing to me now, I still need to find myself and be useful outside of just them. This podcast gives me that.
There’s no denying the rush a hockey game can give me, the feeling of stepping onto the ice, knowing your whole team has your back. But, now I have a different kind of satisfaction, one that isn’t tied to wins or losses. It comes from the quiet moments with Lily when she looks at me like I’m her whole world. Or when I’m with Rachel, and we’re laughing about nothing over dinner, or I’m lost in her. Who knows exactly when it happened, but I’m so much more than the guy with a killer slapshot and no intention of settling down.