11. Makari
Dutch was snoring, dead to the world, as I slid out of bed. Goosebumps formed on my arms in the cool air. Unable to sleep, I headed to the living room when my eyes caught sight of Dutch's burner phone on the end table. Suddenly, I felt like a kid before Christmas, wanting to peek inside a package.
"Fuck it." I snatched it up, still curious about the video Dutch wouldn't allow me to see earlier.
I quickly tapped messages and opened the first one. There was a video, and I tapped the triangle play button. The footage was grainy, but I damn near dropped the phone when I saw that crooked smile.
"Malakai?" I whispered, my voice breaking.
That's impossible. Malakai's dead. I had his ashes, or did I? I mourned him and carried the loss for years, so my eyes had to be deceiving me. The person's eyes were swollen shut, and shit, this could be an old video. I just didn't know. What did Dutch know, and had he been lying to me?
I paused the video and zoomed in to attempt to see the person's face. This person looked harder and older. What the hell? Is this you, bro? I traced his features with a shaky finger.
If Malakai was alive, why didn't he come back? A thousand questions swirled through my mind. I swiped at my angry tears. I didn't want to break down because I needed answers, but confronting Dutch would also show that I snooped and wasn't ready to break his trust completely. I blew out air because nothing could have prepared me to see my dear brother come to life.
When I heard Dutch moving around in the bedroom, I quickly shut off the phone and placed it where I found it. I then entered the kitchen, looking for the coffee. Lord knew I needed it.
I found the coffee grounds, added them to the coffeemaker, and filled the coffee pot with water.
I paced the floor, unable to shake the images from the video. What if it wasn't him? But I knew my mind was calling bullshit. I wanted to wake Dutch so bad and demand the truth, but I knew I had to be smart about this. I chewed my bottom lip in contemplation.
When the coffee was finished, I sat on the couch, still at odds with myself. My ultimate decision was to put on my poker face and wait. This time, I heard Dutch moving around for real.
"Yo, sleepyhead, want some coffee?" I headed for the kitchen, not waiting for a reply. I reached for a mug, determined to play my role. My hand shook as I poured the coffee.
"Damn it."
"Morning, babe." His voice was groggy, and I couldn't help eyeing the tats on his chest.
"Hey," I greeted, sharply aware of the mess I made.
Dutch grabbed a towel, wiping up the spilled coffee. "Are you okay?" His gorgeous hazel eyes were peering right through me.
I laughed. "I'm clumsy this morning."
"Oh, I forgot I put that thang on you last night, and you're all shaken up."
I wanted to tell him about the video, but I was confused and couldn't, not yet. "You know it wasn't so bad for a big bad biker."
Dutch's eyebrow shot up, and we shared a smile, but then reality hit me. I remembered the storage I had for Malakai's stuff. I was going to go through it eventually, but I had kind of forgotten about it.
"Are you good?" Dutch repeated.
"Sorry, I just remembered something."
"What?"
I hesitated but decided to see how he reacted. "I have a storage unit with Malakai's things."
His expression didn't change. "What about it?" he asked.
"What if someone finds it? I'm worried."
He sipped his coffee before speaking. "I don't think you should go there anytime soon. Someone could be watching you."
I wanted to believe Dutch. That was the problem. I was falling hard and fast for this man. I didn't know if I could trust him, but I had no choice but to find out.
"You want some toast?" I asked.
"Sure." I popped the bread in the toaster and found the butter and jelly in the refrigerator.
"We need to talk," I finally said.
"About?"
"Us? What are we doing?"
His face softened. "Makari…"
"Let me finish. I can't keep pretending this is just a fling. I need to know where I stand." I moved closer to him, and I wondered if I was setting myself up for heartbreak. "Falling for you is scaring the shit out of me."
I held my breath, but the silence that followed made me feel as if I'd made the biggest mistake of my life.
"Damn, you ain't pulling no punches."
I crossed my arms. "I never have and never will. Are you going to answer the question?"
Dutch set his mug down. "It's not that simple, you know that."
"I call bullshit. Have you ever thought about leaving the MC life behind, and do you have feelings for me or not?" I bucked my eyes at him.
"How could I not think about those things with you around?"
My heart fluttered. "And?"
Dutch ran a hand over his bald head and sighed. "The MC isn't only a job. It's all I've known. It's family."
"Is it all you want forever?"
His eyes softened, and his vulnerability took my breath away. "No, it's not."
His admission hung in the air. I wanted to reach out to him, but I couldn't. One wrong move could send us in the wrong direction.
I swallowed hard, overtaken by emotion. "What limbo does that leave us in?"
Dutch reached for me, his hand touching my arm. "I wish I had all the answers, but what I do know is that I'm whole when I'm with you. You make me hopeful that there is more to life than surviving."
His words were like a sucker punch. I wanted to believe him so much it hurt. "Is that enough for you to walk away from everything?" I questioned.
Dutch's eyes were conflicted. "As much as I want to simply say yes, it's not just about me. The club depends on me, and there's danger."
"The club depends on you. That's just an excuse. I depend on you."
A smile tugged at his lips. "I can't pretend the club doesn't exist."
"Then what do we do? Because I need a different kind of hope. I'm not asking for promises."
Dutch moved closer. "This isn't for nothing. You matter to me regardless of what happens."
Tears pricked at my eyes, but I blinked them away. This was exhilarating and terrifying all at the same time. "You matter to me too, and that scares the hell out of me."
Dutch cupped my face and kissed my lips softly. "Me too, baby."
I stood there, taking him in, but moved because I needed space. "What now?" I hated how small I sounded.
"Can we take it one day at a time? I can't promise the moon, but I will damn sure try."
I nodded, and relief washed over me. It was a start. "All right, one day at a time."
Dutch headed to the shower, and soon, I heard the water running.
"Shit, shit." What the hell was I thinking? I pulled my locs away from my face.
I needed to get away and clear my head. Everything was pressing on me, that fucking video, Dutch, everything.
I headed to the bathroom. "I need to bounce. I have clients and a life to live. There was a pause before he turned off the water.
"I don't know if that's safe," he commented, grabbing a towel.
I rolled my eyes. "Just as you have duties to the MC, I have duties to the business I built. You, of all people, should understand that."
"Fine, but I will take you and pick you up. I want you in my bed at night."
I smiled. "All right, big man," I said, dropping the t-shirt I was wearing.
Dutch licked his lips."I thought you had to leave?"
"I'm just trying to get in the shower." I teased.