Chapter 19
He’d fucked up.
Blade stared stormily out over the valley while Lily slept next to him.
That kiss.
Holy shit.
He couldn’t help himself. It had been boiling for so long, this unbridled passion between them. Finally, unleashed by her gentle pleading, he’d let himself go.
And made her cry.
Shit. What a jerk.
Then, he’d had the audacity to tell her he couldn’t go through with it. That he couldn’t do that to Spade. Couldn’t betray his friend’s memory.
Hell, they’d crossed that line days ago.
Deep down, he questioned whether that was the real reason he’d pulled back. Maybe he was just scared. Seeing her tears, knowing how much it had affected her… it had shocked him.
No, it had fucking terrified him.
That came with a whole new level of responsibility. A level far beyond his capacity. It always had been. That’s why he always kept it light. Fun. No strings.
This crazy, helter-skelter, all-consuming longing he felt whenever he kissed her was so completely foreign, he couldn’t get his head around it.
A shout somewhere far below brought him out of his daze. He’d been thinking about Lily when he should have been figuring out their next move. More proof why whatever was happening between them was a bad idea. He had to stay alert, keep a clear head if he was going to get her out of there.
After she was back home, things would revert to normal. She’d forget about him and this nightmare. People did that with trauma, pushed it to the back of their minds and pretended it hadn’t happened.
Most of the time.
Blade took another look at the map. The river was at its narrowest two klicks south. That would be the best place to cross. There might be a raft or a boat he could steal so Lily wouldn’t have to get soaked again.
He didn’t want a repeat of that episode. He tightened his jaw, willing away the memory of her soft skin against his.
The problem with crossing there, however, was that they were more vulnerable to an ambush. The valley narrowed at that point, becoming more rugged with less vegetation and fewer places to hide. The rocky outcrops on the steep valley sides also provided excellent cover for snipers.
He scanned the map, following the river. Ideally, he’d head south for another ten klicks before crossing, but that would result in a more difficult swim, and it was much farther to go. Spending yet another day out here would be suicide. He wanted them on the road to Kabul by nightfall.
Using his high magnification spotting scope, he scanned the length of the river, or as much of it as he could see from up here, but couldn’t spot anything out of the ordinary. Workers in the poppy fields, a couple of boats moored alongside a jetty—nothing that aroused his suspicion.
When the sun had sunk below the hills and the sky was turning a dark indigo, he woke Lily up.
Her eyes fluttered open. “Blade. Hmm…” She scrambled up. “Is everything okay?”
“Everything’s fine,” he reassured her, his tone crisp. His heart lurched as he saw the disappointment in her eyes. Damn, he hated himself for this. For hurting her.
But he was a pro. She was the hostage, and this was a rescue op, not a romantic getaway. He had to stay focused.
“Are we going?”
He gave a stiff nod. “Yeah, we should move out. Last push until we hit the road.”
“Okay.”
He gave her a moment to get herself together then helped her on with her backpack. “Why didn’t you and Spade ever come out with us?” The question surprised him. He hadn’t intended to ask, but it been on his mind for some time.
She hesitated. “It’s complicated.”
“Complicated how?”
She stretched, ironing out her curves. “Looking back now, it seems ridiculous, but I was scared that I’d lose him.”
“Who? Spade? No way. He was nuts about you.”
“I know.” She paused, her wide, brown eyes settling on him. “It wasn’t him I was worried about. It was you.”
He scowled. “Me?”
“I thought you might rub off on him.”
He didn’t say anything for a long moment, and when he did, his voice was husky. “You thought I was a bad influence on Spade?”
Lily looked out over the darkened valley. “Do you blame me? You were with a different girl every time you were back in town. Joe told me so.”
“I explained that,” he snapped.
She held up her hands in a gesture of defeat. “I know you did. I was wrong, okay. I admit it. I didn’t know you back then. All I saw was this hot, broad-shouldered guy with perfect teeth and a blonde hanging off his arm.”
“You didn’t take the time to get to know me.” He blinked. “Wait a minute. You thought I was hot?”
She flushed. “That’s not the point. I made an assumption, and it was wrong. I’m sorry.”
His chest tightened. “All that time, I thought you were just a stuck up bi—” He cleared his throat. “That you thought you were too good for us. Too smart to be seen with the likes of us.”
She gasped. “It was nothing like that.”
He fixed his gaze on her. “We were both wrong.”
She didn’t smile, but there was warmth in her eyes. “Yes, we were.”
They set off,treading carefully over the loose gravel. Blade led the way, more used to the terrain that she was. Lily followed close behind, mimicking his steps, squinting at the loose ground in front of her.
The path, if it could be called that, wound its way down the mountain, following the contours. After Lily slipped a couple of times, Blade took her hand. He’d promised himself no contact, but he couldn”t let her fall to her death. A purely professional connection.
That was his story, and he was sticking to it.
They walked on, him helping her over the more difficult parts of the descent, until they stopped for a water break.
“You know you said you thought I was a bad influence on Joe?” He couldn’t keep that question to himself, either.
She glanced up, surprised. “Yeah?”
“Well, you might find this strange, but it was actually the other way round.”
“I don’t get it. You’re saying Joe was a bad influence on you?”
“Yeah.” He worked his jaw, unsure how to proceed, but she should know the truth about the man she’d been living with. “Spade was always the one who got a little out of hand when we went out. It was like he had all this pent-up aggression and didn’t know what to do with it. More than a few times I had to pull him out of a fight or take him back to my place to sleep it off.”
Lily was staring at him like he’d grown horns or something. “Joe? My Joe?”
Blade nodded. “He said it was because he wanted to let his hair down, have some fun, you know? I suppose he was always so well behaved at home. His father expected a lot of him, and then there was you—” He bit down on his lip.
Shit, he’d said too much.
It was all true though. Spade had been a firebrand when they went out drinking. He’d once how said how perfect Lily was, and trying to match that standard kept him from relaxing. Said he couldn’t be his usual carefree, foul-mouthed self around her. At the time, Blade had thought she’d been the one with unreasonable expectations of him, but what did he know? He’d never been in a long-term relationship. Now he was starting to think Spade had put those expectations on himself.
“What about me?” Her voice was a tight whisper.
“Spade thought the world of you. I think he wanted to be the kind of man you deserved. And I think he tried hard to be that guy.”
“In other words, not himself.”
Blade winced. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.”
Tears swum in her eyes. “I had no idea he felt like that. I wish he would have told me.”
“Maybe he didn’t want to lose you.”
Her lip quivered. “He wouldn’t have lost me. We’d have worked it out.”
Blade didn’t reply.
There was nothing wrong with wanting to be a better man.
His chest tightened at the sight of her blinking back tears, her face pale and drawn, yet determined.
No, nothing wrong with that at all.
The incline gradually lessened, the loose gravel becoming interspersed with patches of hard-packed dirt and sparse vegetation. He let go of her hand.
“We were very young when we got together. Joe was my first boyfriend. The only man I’d ever been with.”
He inhaled sharply as memories came flooding back—her lips on his neck, their bodies crushing together, his tongue in her mouth.
“It’s hard to believe he kept his true self from me.”
“I saw a different side to him, that’s all.” Blade wished to hell he hadn’t said anything. “Out in the field, Spade was decisive, brave, and loyal. He had your back, you know.”
She nodded.
“Back home, he was just Spade. Rowdy, free-spirited, always pushing the boundaries.”
Lily shook her head. “That sounds like a completely different Joe than the one I knew.”
“I guess he had many sides to his personality, just like we all do.”
Her eyes were sad. He wanted to hold her, to kiss away the pain, but he couldn’t. It wasn’t his to take on.
“I guess so. I just wish we’d had more time.”
“Spade was a good guy, an excellent soldier, and my best friend. That’s all that counts.” The guilt cut through him, making him clench his hands around his rifle.
Spade was a better man than him.
Not only had he moved in on Spade’s girl, but he’d also bad-mouthed his dead buddy in front of her. God, he was a prick.
He just didn’t want Lily thinking he was the one to blame. That he was the bad influence. Her opinion of him mattered. A lot.
Way more than he thought it would.
“You were with him when he died?”
He gave a stiff nod. “Yeah. He passed away in my arms, right there on that mountain pass.”
Tears flowed freely down her face. “I didn’t know he died in your arms. Why didn’t you tell me?”
The energy leaked out of him like he’d been hit by a bullet. The memory was still so vivid, probably because he’d replayed it so many times in his head. There was no bandage for this injury. The raw, gaping wound would never heal.
“I don’t know. Does it make a difference?”
Her chest rose. “Yes, it makes a difference. It helps knowing he wasn’t alone. That you were with him.”
At least that brought her comfort.
“That’s when he said to tell you he loved you,” Blade croaked.
She swiped at her eyes. “I loved him too.”
His heart shattered into a million pieces.
That’swhy they could never be together.