Earth In-Laws are Wary (Earth Fathers #3)

Chapter One

Max’s whole family–his tentacly husband and the three children he had been surrogate for–were crowded into the roundish, octogonish control room, which was rare enough. The kids annoyed Rick so much that he often didn’t want the boys near his work, but this was a special occasion.

Even Dee, the only other human on the ship, had slipped into the room, although she hovered near the back wall.

James got so excited he blew a whale song before shouting, “I see Hidden Planet. I see Hidden Planet.” Born on the ship, this was the boys’ first chance to see where their species came from.

The rest of them could see the planet as well as James, but Max draped an arm around his excitable middle child.

“You speak obvious,” Xander said dismissively.

The sophisticated business translator was better at communicating tone now, which was not good with the two younger siblings.

Max had lived in bliss before the improved translator revealed the brothers got along about as well as Max and his little brother Petey–which was to say not well.

“It’s a beautiful planet,” Max said, hoping to soothe any ruffled tentacles.

Rick’s walking tentacle was stiff and several of his smaller tentacles had curled into curly fries of distress.

Max extricated himself from James and moved to Rick’s side.

When he’d first met his husband, he’d jokingly nicknamed him “Rick” after “Rick and Morty” because of his loud, beltchy voice.

However, now that they had the business communication facilitator, he realized Rick was soft spoken. Well, for a Hidden one, anyway.

“Are you okay?” Max whispered.

“I am physically unharmed.” Rick pulled away. “I must prepare transmission for transmitting.” His walking tentacle was so stiff he jerked and lurched his way to the computer.

Kohei watched his father, slowly rotating until he stared out of his largest eye.

“It is a gorgeous planet,” Dee agreed. She stood to one side, careful not to intrude in the small knot of family gathered around the screens. At least Max hoped it was respect and not prejudice that made her stand there.

On the viewscreen, the Hidden Planet slowly rotated, blues and greens streaked with clouds.

Part of the planet was shadowed, and necklaces of sparkling lights spun through the darkness.

Hidden ones were born in water, but they lived their adult lives on land.

It meant they built their cities only on the coasts and shallows of the great oceans.

Where the sun shone, long trails of white wisps like cotton candy streamed across the sky.

Unlike Earth, no part of the world was stained brown with pollution. None of the clouds were gray with particulates. It was paradise.

“What is Rick transmitting?” Dee asked.

“The Hidden ones don’t handle change well, so they’re going to be confused and stressed when the other species treat them differently.” When Max and Rick had registered their marriage, Rick earned the right to bypass the economic sanctions on his people by having Max sell his programs.

But a more important change had slipped past them.

Just like the judge had designated humans as Unbalanced ones due to Max’s tiny anger management problem and habit of stomping on the tentacles of anyone who annoyed him, the judge had put an asterisk on the name Ugly ones.

The official records now said ‘Hidden ones’ was the more accurate and less biased term, replacing ‘Ugly ones’ as a legal term.

While a name change didn’t equal getting economic sanctions lifted or forcing the rest of the universe to accept the Hidden ones, it had made other traders less.

.. well... butt-facey. Before the name change, Max had stomped a lot of tentacles because of generally shitty attitudes, and since that day, he’d been fifty percent less likely to “accidentally” bring his boot down on someone’s reproductive tentacle.

He had read anatomy texts to know how to make aliens regret calling his husband and children names; he knew which tentacles handled reproduction in at least a dozen species.

A surprising number were vulnerable to boots, but given the universe had a lack of bipedal lifeforms, that shouldn’t be a surprise.

And when aliens had a more protected reproductive system, Max still had elbows.

“Rick is sending them information on humans and the court case so they know why some of the traders are less prejudiced,” Max explained.

“Traders recognize Rick Father and Max Father are excellent partners for trade,” Kohei said, always quick to share compliments. Given Rick’s talents with navigational programs and the work Max and James had done to improve alien weapons, he was right.

Without taking his focus off the screens, Rick said, “Money talks. It’s their money, and they need it now.” Rick was addicted to quoting commercials. It had officially become the one part of Rick that annoyed Max. Badly.

“So, are we going to Earth after we send the message?” Dee asked.

She had a husband waiting for her, versus Max who would have to convince the Air Force to accept that he had committed to his Hidden one husband.

He was supposed to belong to the Air Force for at least one more year.

Given the news reports had shown widespread rioting on Earth after aliens had a high-speed ship chase through Earth space, he suspected the military wouldn’t be approving early separations.

“No!” James belched. “I want to see Hidden World. Hidden World waters are my birthright.”

Birthright? Max had no idea what he had been watching to learn that word.

Kohei spoke up, the translator’s tone firm. “Rick Father is busy. Max Father needs to return to planet of kidnapping. Max Father’s friend Dee must return to husband.”

“I want the waters,” James repeated.

“Swimming without machine waters would be fun,” Xander added. He was not be as adventurous as James, but he was curious about his father’s planet. He might have said more, but he avoided agreeing with James. Ever.

“We could...” Max trailed off when Rick’s tentacles curled tighter.

Max sometimes verbally poked around Rick’s family, but Rick would fall back into general lectures about Hidden one culture.

They didn’t believe parents should control or even guide children.

The young were born with all their logic circuits closed, and effective parents provided information and financial support until they could be independent.

In the distant past, that had meant Hidden ones’ children had followed their parents, learning to hunt and build homes in the shallows by watching them.

In the modern age, it meant parents constructed protected pools with elaborate view screens and holographic projectors so children could learn about their world.

Of course, their children had also watched the Earth shows they had captured from the tiny satellite Rick had dropped close to the planet.

But any attempt to push Rick about his father, or more accurately, his parent, had ended with Rick deciding the ship needed his immediate attention. The more Max pushed, the more Rick polished the undersides of floor panels.

“We will visit Hidden Planet,” Rick said loudly, but the computer’s artificial voice had a tremor, and his smallest tentacles were now curled into tight balls dangling beneath his oversized head with its ridiculous floppy tool hat.

“Dee has not seen her husband for a year,” Max mumbled. If landing made his husband miserable, he was firmly anti-landing. “We could return after dropping her off.”

“Agreed,” Kohei bugled.

Unfortunately, Dee chose that moment to be selfless. “I appreciate the ride, so if you want to stop at home first, that’s fine. A few days won’t make a difference to me.”

Rick seemed to shrink in on himself, and now Xander’s tentacles curled in distress.

He’d noticed something was up with his father.

Rick rotated, his largest eye pointing right at Xander before he stiffened his tentacles, stretching them so hard the skin got shiny.

“We visit Hidden World. We discuss changing policy of polonium-headed poop faces that think they run the galaxy,” he said.

“Unnecessary,” Kohei protested.

“Offspring must choose their own direction,” Rick bugled back, his determination clear through his volume, even without the fancy-dancy business translator.

For the first time, James noticed something was wrong.

He rotated, his largest cluster of eyes focusing on Kohei then Rick then Kohei before he leaned toward Max.

“Max Father makes everyone worry. I am not ready to abandon emotionally fragile Max Father who wants to watch over offspring. I will not swim away without looking back.” Then, as though that had solved every issue, James glided out of the control room, probably to go back to his workshop.

He was turning into a mad scientist with his inventions.

He was also a tentacle reading idiot who couldn’t distinguish the slightly curled tentacle of hunger from the deep curly-fry of distress from the tightly knotted tentacle of fear.

Rick was afraid, and the other two kids were reacting. Kohei’s tentacles quivered, and Xander’s balled up. Rick must have noticed because he stretched his tentacles until they were stiff as tiny little boards.

Dee took a step closer, her gaze on Max. Her expression telepathically demanded answers, but the problem was Max didn’t have any.

Did he know something was wrong between Rick and his family? Sure. Did he know what?

Nope. Nada. Zip. Zitch. Because Rick was a close-mouthed bastard when he wanted to be.

“I am good father. I will allow offspring to swim in the direction of their choice,” Rick bellowed, and even the translator sounded angry.

“Home is the zone with the helpful hardware man,” he finished, mangling another of the commercial jingles he was so fond of.

Before Max could ask him to explain, Rick almost knocked him over rushing from the room.

“Fabricator in level C-9 require repair,” Rick shouted. Then Rick was gone.

The C deck only had levels one through eight.

Yep, nothing strange here. The last time they’d had this much awkwardness, Max had mistranslated nanny and had taken a job as Rick’s surrogate baby not-momma.

Given how awkward that had been, even approaching that level of weirdness was impressive.

Not good, but impressive.

“I should...” Max couldn’t failed to find good lie, so he made like a tree and leafed.