Echoes of Us

Chapter 20

CHAPTER

TWENTY

AFTER

I t was Monday, and facing Noah again after we kissed made me more nervous than I had been in a long time. My palms were sweating, my lips were bitten raw, and I kept cracking my knuckles. I hesitated before entering the clubhouse, unsure how to handle the situation. Wishing, not for the first time, that Noah hadn’t come back so I wouldn’t have to deal with this.

I held my hand on the door, willing myself to push it open.

“Hey,” I heard behind me. Of course, it was Noah.

I turned around. He wasn’t exactly smiling. He was nervous too.

“Noah.” I tried to sound calm.

“How are you doing?”

“I’m fine,” I lied, looking away.

He took a deep breath. “Atticus.”

I blinked, looking back at him. It was strange hearing him use my full name. He’d only done it when we first met and occasionally when he was too mad to call me Atty.

“Do you think we could talk? After training?”

“I’d rather not,” I replied honestly.

“But—”

“I know what you want to talk about, but I haven’t dealt with it yet. So honestly, I think we shouldn’t talk about it.”

“Okay, maybe not today, but when you’ve dealt with it?” he asked. “You can let me know whenever. I’ll be there.” Noah seemed more apprehensive than hopeful—like he was approaching a scared animal.

I pressed my lips together to keep from smiling at the thought and nodded briskly. He smiled, a small, tentative curve of his lips.

“I’m going in,” I told him, feeling the urge to escape the tension.

“After you.” He stepped aside.

“Okay.”

It was all terribly cordial.

Two weeks later, I still wasn’t done dealing with it. Noah held up surprisingly well, considering patience wasn’t his strong suit. The first couple of days were awkward, filled with tentative smiles from him and a lot of avoidance from me. As the days went by, I noticed Noah trying to get closer, trying to strike up a conversation, even if it was just about training. He lingered after, almost waiting for me to say something, but I never did. The smiles became less frequent, replaced by a frown that seemed to deepen with each passing day.

One day, right after training, we were walking out. Noah was stalling his departure, looking towards me, when I ran into Mathew. He waved and I approached him.

“Hey, are you just getting out?” he asked .

“Yeah.”

“It’s nice to see you, Att. It’s been a while,” Mathew said.

“Same. Did you just get out of class?”

“Yeah.” This was a little awkward. He laughed, breaking the tension. “Do you have a minute? Sit down with me.”

We sat on a nearby bench. The rest of the team was still walking or talking at the entrance. Noah was looking over at us with a frown.

“Congratulations on the championship,” Mathew said.

I smiled. “Thanks.”

“Do you have any more matches this year?”

“Not big ones. We have two more practice matches. Basically, for fun.”

He watched the rest of the team. “How about your problem? Solved that yet?” His smile was leaning on flirty.

“Not really. I guess I just learned to get used to it.”

“So you didn’t get back together?” His tone was casual but curious.

“Nope,” I answered. “Just a whole lot of awkwardness.”

“But still not up for dating?”

I gave him an apologetic look, shaking my head.

“That sucks. You’re looking great.”

I smiled softly, my eyes flickering downward, feeling self-conscious under his gaze. “Thanks.”

He shrugged. “Too bad. If you ever change your mind, though, you have my number,” he added with a wink.

“I’ll keep it in mind.”

“Hey, is that Noah Rossi?”

“Um, yeah, that’s him.” I looked towards Noah, and he turned quickly back to his conversation. I never got used to people just knowing him.

“I heard he was back in school. I’d never seen him in person.”

I pressed my lips together.

“Is he on the team? ”

“Yeah.” I sighed.

“He’s hotter than I thought,” Mathew said, tilting his head while inspecting him.

I felt a flare of familiar jealousy. I made a noncommittal noise.

“Someone told me he was bisexual. Is he?”

“Last I heard, yeah.”

“I stumbled over some gossip about him once, that he had a boyfriend. Super hot, too—” He stopped abruptly.

My lips were clamped shut.

He glanced at me, realization dawning. “He’s your ex, isn’t he?” He was already looking pretty embarrassed.

“Yup, that’s the one,” I admitted.

He tittered nervously. “Shit, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“I can’t believe your ex is Noah Rossi. What was that like? To date him?”

It was such a loaded question. I could spend years trying to explain. “Traumatizing,” I said instead.

Mathew laughed again. “I’m so sorry. Let me buy you a beer. As friends. You need a break,” he offered.

I took a deep breath before nodding. “Sure. Just the one, I’m going to the gym later,” I told Mathew.

He smiled. We got up, and I looked back towards the team. Noah was still frowning.

“Col,” I called out, and he turned towards me. “I’m headed out. See you at home,” I said, and he waved.

My eyes drifted towards Noah. He met my gaze. This time, he didn’t even pretend to look away. The confusion in his eyes was unmistakable. I turned towards Mathew, and we left, leaving Noah’s gaze burning into my back.

One beer turned into two, and two hours later, they had turned into six. I agreed to walk Mathew to his apartment and somehow got roped into going up. He kissed me in the elevator, our bodies pressed together in a rush of alcohol- fueled urgency. We stumbled into his apartment, making out as Mathew’s hand slipped down my pants. He closed the door behind us and guided me towards his room, the air thick with anticipation.

Once there, he made me sit on his bed and eased my shirt off, his eyes gleaming with approval.

“Shit, I knew you were going to look good, Att, but this might be even better than I imagined.” His voice was husky.

“Thanks,” I replied.

Mathew kneeled between my legs, and I felt a pang of uncertainty as he ran his hands over my thighs.

“Do you want me to suck you off?” he asked in a low voice.

“Do you normally do this with your friends?”

“If they were as hot as you, sure, I’d be game. I know you’re not up for a commitment right now. We can just do this and have fun. I swear you won’t have to answer to me or even do it again,” he assured me, his eyes filled with amusement.

“I’m not a very casual guy,” I admitted.

“I know you’re not, but you’re not getting any from the guy you’re hung up on, so maybe you’re due a little fun.”

I thought about it. Mathew was attractive, and I was drawn to him. If I had to categorize him, he fit into what Chase called “my type.” He was easy to talk to, and he seemed trustworthy. Still, it felt unfair to get off with someone while thinking of someone else.

“I’m not sure.”

He sat back on his heels. “It’s up to you, Att. I won’t pressure you into it. If you want us to stop here, that’s fine by me.”

I pressed my lips together. I knew Noah had been having sex since we broke up. I wasn’t sure if he was right now, and I hadn’t heard of him being in a relationship, but he could have had one. Even if I had kissed him, I didn’t owe him any explanations. We had broken up, Noah had dumped me, and we weren’t together. Even if he was back in my life, we weren’t anything to each other.

“As long as it’s just for fun,” I told him.

Mathew grinned. “It’ll be fun. Don’t worry about that.”

He moved closer to me again. He seized me by my neck, bringing me back to his lips. I groaned as he slipped his hand into my joggers and grabbed me. He tugged on my sweats with his other hand, and I lifted my hips to help, letting him pull them down my thighs. He stopped kissing me, raising his eyebrows and smiling appreciatively as he leered. He started stroking me, and I closed my eyes, feeling his hand moving over me.

“Hey, Att, what do you like to do?” he asked.

I glanced back at him, trying to focus. “This is okay.”

“I mean, what do you like for sex…top?” he clarified.

I swallowed thickly and nodded.

“Do you want to? Have sex with me?”

I pushed down my thoughts and reservations and nodded again.

He smiled before leaning down and taking me in his mouth. Mathew was good at this, skilled. I tried to lose myself in the feeling. I watched his head bobbing between my legs. Mathew’s short, brown hair might have been a little tousled if I got my hands into it. I couldn’t go there—even edging on the idea felt wrong.

He stayed there for a few minutes, and I kept trying to get into it. It’s not that it was terrible. It wasn’t bad at all. It just wasn’t amazing.

He let go and looked up at me, his hand still moving on me. He was frowning, his expression was curious.

“What?” I asked.

“Are you not into this?”

“No, I am, I am,” I told him .

He tilted his head. “I don’t think I’ve ever had any complaints in this department. It’s a little unsettling.”

“No complaints from me either. I swear, you’re not doing anything wrong,” I said quickly.

“But?” he prompted.

“I just feel weird sitting here.”

He appeared even more confused. “You don’t like getting sucked off? That’s a first,” he said, clearly puzzled.

“No, it’s not that. Let’s just get into it. I can’t sit back.”

His smile grew. “Oh, I get it. You like to be in charge,” Mathew said and let out a throaty laugh. “That’s fine by me.”

He stood up and took his shirt off. Mathew was lean too. He had a great body; I couldn’t complain about that either. He got out of his jeans, revealing a pair of tight boxer shorts that were visibly tenting. I swallowed again, and he touched my shoulders. I realized what he was going to do a second before he did and held him back by his hips.

“No. Don’t do that.”

He was puzzled again. He looked like he was about to ask me why I didn’t want him climbing on my lap, and I really didn’t want to get into that, so I pulled on him to get him to sit next to me and leaned down to kiss him again. Any objection he had died there. He offered to get himself ready, but I refused. Even if I hadn’t done it in a while, I still preferred going through the motions myself. When he deemed himself ready, he got on all fours while I put the condom on, and we began.

I soon understood what Noah meant by mediocre sex.

It was like going through the motions but not being there. There was an overwhelming feeling of wrongness in my chest. He didn’t move right. He didn’t sound right. Everything was just slightly off, and I couldn’t concentrate properly. I was never going to finish like this, and I was going to be stuck having lousy sex forever.

I grabbed his shoulder and pulled him up against me. I placed his hands back into my hair, and closed my eyes, resting my face against his, getting my hands on his hips. I tried to get them moving correctly, forcing him to push back on me like Noah did. I tried to get myself there, to feel him against me, calling my name, begging me to go faster, harder.

Mathew picked up the movement, and for a second, it was like I had Noah back in my arms.

I groaned.

“That’s it,” he said.

That was it. I had Noah memorized in bed, the way his breath would hitch when I grabbed him hard, how to hit him just right, angling my hips, making him moan and slip profanities from his lips. Sex was so different with Noah; it was perfect, everything synchronized. Effortless. Mathew kept losing the rhythm, and I had to work him into it again, distracting me.

“Keep pushing back like that,” I told him after the second time it happened.

“Yes, sir,” he said with a chuckle.

I knew what he meant. I wasn’t letting him move an inch out of line. I just wanted to feel him like this, wrap myself up in the fantasy of this not being Mathew. If he slipped, it came crashing down, and all I had left was the crippling guilt of using him like this.

I let go of his hip and spit on my hand before stroking it over him. He moaned loudly. The least I could do was make it good for him too.

I came back to the apartment at nine. Colin was in the kitchen, grabbing a beer from the fridge, and smirked when he saw me. I gave him a look before walking towards him and leaning on the kitchen counter .

“Where have you been? Ezra got back from the gym an hour ago.”

I sighed. “Having sex with Mathew,” I replied.

He dropped something in the sink with a loud clunk. He turned, wide-eyed. “Shit.”

“Is this not okay? Is it weird talking to you about sex?”

“No, it’s okay. You just surprised me. I thought you weren’t seeing him anymore.” He was still uncomfortable.

“I’m not. We went out for a beer and ended up back at his place. He said it was just for fun, no commitment,” I explained.

Colin looked even more surprised. “I thought you weren’t into that sort of thing.”

“You do it constantly.”

He grimaced. “Yeah, because it works for me. Did it work for you?”

I thought about it. “Not at all,” I told him honestly.

“So why do it?”

I shrugged. “I thought maybe I was idealizing Noah. After I kissed him the other day, everything got so messed up. I figured if I kissed someone else…”

“You thought it could be just as good,” Colin finished. “Was it?”

“No, it sucked.” I walked towards the living room and collapsed onto the couch. “I only got through it thinking about Noah the whole time,” I added, seeing Colin’s eyes widen again as he sat down.

“Maybe I should get something stronger to drink,” he said, half-joking.

“You said it wasn’t weird.”

“I mean, to be fair, Att, that’s one of those things you think about but don’t say out loud.”

“I knew it was bad.” I clicked my tongue in frustration. “I feel horrible about it. ”

“Well, if he’s okay with it not being serious, I think it’s fine,” Colin tried to reassure me.

“It still feels wrong on both counts. I shouldn’t have gone through with it,” I admitted.

“I’m sorry it sucked, Att.”

“How do you do it?”

“I don’t want a relationship. Maybe if I found someone I liked…but I’m fine with this now. I’ve told you before that I’ve never felt like you did about Noah. I can only imagine that intimacy makes sex better.”

“It really does, and I knew Noah like the palm of my hand—at least sex-wise. It’s just…” I stopped, looking at him.

“Are you going to say something inappropriate again?” he asked.

I gave him a guilty look.

Colin chuckled and waved his hand. “Go ahead.”

“Remember when I told you I think Noah turned me into his drug?”

“Yeah.”

“It was sex. The last couple weeks, that’s all we did. And it wasn’t just him. It was a quick fix to get him in a better mood. We fought so much towards the end. It was a little excessive.”

Colin scrunched his face. “Why?”

“It was a lot, like two or three times a day.”

His expression was flabbergasted. “Seriously?” He leaned forward.

“Yeah. It got worse after his birthday. Actually, it got worse after that party we went to and had that fight, remember? Everything got messed up after.”

“Yeah, I remember. That explains a lot.”

“It does?”

“Yeah, Att. You two were really close all the time, like physically really close.”

I thought about that. It was just how we had always been around each other. Since the day we started getting closer, we never stopped. Not until he left.

“When he left, I was sure he was bored of me, you know? That it had been too much. That I should have said no to him,” I said, rubbing my hands on my face. “I should have said no today too.”

“You know that wasn’t it, right?”

“Yeah, he told me why already.”

“You still haven’t decided what you want to do about Noah?”

“I figured it out. He just doesn’t let me do it.”

Colin waited for me to continue. “Well, what is it?” he prompted.

“I want to be done with this, Col. You know that.” My voice was firmer now.

He shrugged, not entirely convinced. “Do you?”

“Yeah. Of course, I do.”

“Then why haven’t you talked to him yet?” His gaze was unwavering.

I cracked my knuckles nervously. “I don’t know. I don’t trust myself around him. I don’t want to be alone with him. Maybe I could just text him.”

“Are you trying to compete with Noah for the title of worst breakup?” he asked.

I snorted despite myself. “Col, we’ve been broken up for ages. This isn’t a breakup. It’s an I-don’t-want-to-get-back-together-with-you.”

“Still. You could just have the conversation in public,” Colin pressed.

I sighed. “It’s not like that ever stopped us before,” I mumbled.

He huffed a small laugh. “Hey, you were safe, right? With Mathew?” He narrowed his eyes slightly.

“I thought we were past you treating me like a kid. ”

“I had to ask. Sorry it didn’t work out for you today, Att. I’m heading out. Do you want to tag along?”

“Nah, I’m fine, thanks.”

Colin stood, preparing to leave.

I bit the side of my thumb, feeling a sudden urge. “Actually, can I borrow your phone before you go?” I asked impulsively.

“Why?” He reached for his pocket.

“I want to text Noah something, but I don’t want to do it from mine,” I explained.

He checked his phone, then handed it to me, already open on the chat with Noah. “Here, I’m going to the bathroom.”

I stared down at it.

Me

I’ll get back to you next week about that talk

it’s Atticus.

I sent the message and watched the screen, waiting for his reply. Noah started typing several times before finally sending his response.

Noah Rossi

okay

like on Monday?

after practice?

Me

sure, after practice .

At least that was public.

Noah Rossi

okay good

thanks for letting me know.

Me

sure

I sent the message and sighed, feeling a small sense of relief. That part was done. Colin walked back out, and his phone vibrated in my hand. I saw Noah’s last text.

Noah Rossi

I caught Colin’s serve today

He pulled a laugh out of me.

Me

no shit

seriously?

“Are you done?” Colin asked me.

I looked back down.

Noah Rossi

I swear

he destroyed my arm but I figured it out

I smiled and Colin looked at me expectantly.

“Noah caught your serve?”

He rolled his eyes. “He caught it once. It was a fluke.”

I let out a light laugh. It was an ongoing bet on the team, because they were impossible to catch, especially in training.

“I need to get going,” He held out his hand, asking for his phone.

Me

I have to hand Colin his phone back

he’s heading out

Noah Rossi

okay

some other time

Colin ordered a car and left. I went to my room and flopped onto my bed, pulling out my phone. There was a text from Mathew.

Mathew Davis

I had a great time today

let me know if you want an encore

The guilt hit me again. I shouldn’t have done it.

I looked through my phone and found Noah’s contact number blocked. I stared at it for a while. The thing that was getting to me about sex with Mathew was that I did manage to feel like it was Noah. Not the whole time, but enough to get me to come. I hated it, but simultaneously, I felt like I had Noah fresh in my mind, as if I could almost feel him against me again.

I unblocked his number.

Me

tell me about it

I saw him read the text and start typing back right away.

Noah Rossi

he has a tell

I found Colin’s tell

it’s still hard as fuck but I found it

Me

what is it?

Noah Rossi

not giving it up like that

I might sell the secret

I smiled down at my phone, pulling a pillow close and getting comfortable on the bed.

Me

really?

not even to me?

Noah Rossi

he pulls his shorts

on the side he’s serving

I laughed out loud at his quick response. Then it hit me: I was doing it again. My smile faded. The same thing I did the night I kissed him and that day on the court. It was like I was choosing to forget all the crap he put me through and let myself be drawn in by the ease of this. So many things about Noah came naturally to me. I was still used to him.

Me

aren’t you worried I’ll sell his secret first?

Noah Rossi

I guess that depends on what you plan to give me for it

then it might be worth it

This came easily to him, too, flirting. I could almost see Noah, probably smiling, biting his lip, waiting for my reaction with ill-concealed anticipation. I felt another pang of guilt. I had no business having sex with someone else when I was still so hung up on him.

Me

you should withhold information until you are paid

that’s how bribing works

Noah Rossi

whoops

I smiled at the screen, flooded with nostalgia and pain. I was fluent in Noah’s language, and he wanted to make it clear he was flirting with me. I had no idea what I planned to tell him on Monday.

“I want to do it,” I told him.

Noah’s smile grew. “It’s small. It’s not a big pull. It won’t be noticeable,” he said, his green eyes shining with delight.

I sauntered towards the court. Colin was taking a drink and talking to Ezra.

“Col,” I called out, and he turned towards me. “Give me a serve.”

He grinned while shaking his head. “Just one, Att.”

I walked to the back center of the court, bending my knees. Colin grabbed a ball and moved to the far end. I glanced at Noah. He had his hand over his mouth, his knuckles pressing against his lips, probably hiding his smile. He was trying to look disinterested and failing miserably.

I focused on Colin. He stood there, both hands on the ball, smirking at me. He took three steps back, tossed the ball up, and his hands dropped to his sides. It was subtle, but I saw it— a slight rub of his thumb over the fabric on his right side. My eyes focused as he took two steps and pushed off.

I darted quickly to my right, bending my knees, and heard the loud slap of his hand on the ball just before the satisfying sting against my arm.

I lifted the ball. “Yes!” I shouted, watching Colin’s jaw drop in disbelief.

Applause erupted around me, Noah’s loud laugh ringing above the rest.

“And on the first try,” I told Colin, laughing.

Colin shook his head and glanced at Noah. He was clapping too.

He made a face at Colin and turned back to me, mouthing, “Good job.”

My heart surged, and I quickly looked away.

You’re doing it again.

I spent Saturday and Sunday looking down at my phone, seeing new texts from Noah. It felt like going back in time to when we were just getting to know each other and he texted me constantly. I still got a thrill from them, but it was also loaded with emotion. I wondered if unblocking him was a good idea.

The day I had decided to block him was when I admitted to myself he had left me for real. It wasn’t just him disappearing for a few days and returning like nothing had happened. It was weeks after he left. I kept showing up at his building, calling him, texting him, and getting nothing in return—just radio silence.

Now I was smiling at his texts and looking at my phone like nothing had happened. I was falling into the same trap again. I had sworn it would never happen.

I glanced back and saw him smiling, feeling my heart clench. It was as if his smile had a direct line to my heart, controlling it. He didn’t seem like the same person. I wanted to believe he had changed, but it was still Noah. I dreaded the end of training. I had no idea what I was going to say to him. I had decided to let him talk and figure out what I wanted afterward. It sounded like a terrible plan, but it was the best I had.

After training, Noah approached me and asked if we were still going to talk. I nodded, and he smiled in response. After we changed, we headed out, me with my heart pounding and Noah biting the side of his thumb, when the coach called him back.

“I’ll be right out.”

I made my way outside. I had no idea what I was playing at.

“Att,” I heard and turned.

Mathew was walking towards me. Shit.

“Hey.” I glanced behind me. Noah was still talking to the coach.

“How are you doing?”

“I’m good, you?”

He gave me an uncertain smile. “I’m a little embarrassed, I guess. You never texted back, and now I’m ambushing you.” He let out a self-deprecating chuckle.

“Sorry about that. I had a lot on my mind. I didn’t mean to leave you on read.”

“That’s okay,” he said and took a step closer.

I fought the urge to look over my shoulder.

“I’m not proud of this, you know.” He laughed lightly again.

“It’s okay.” I wasn’t sure if it was. I still felt incredibly guilty, and looking at him made it a million times worse. “I kind of have something I have to get to, but I promise I’ll text you back.”

“Oh, sure. I’m sorry for getting in the way. ”

I smiled, shaking my head. “It’s not a problem. You’re not in the way.”

He took another step closer to me. “Listen, I just wanted to tell you one thing, and I’m out of here. I know you don’t want to get into anything right now, and I totally respect that. It’s just…”

“What?”

“It was really good sex, Att,” he said with a laugh.

I blinked at him, surprised. That I wasn’t expecting. “Really?”

He smiled and stepped closer. “Yeah, you’re the best I’ve had in a while, and I just want you to know that I’m really up for it. If you want another repeat of Friday night, you know, same conditions still standing.” His flirty smile was still in place.

I was really surprised by this. I figured it was noticeable how out of sync we were. I didn’t even let him move.

“Sorry.” His voice was soft.

I turned and saw Noah standing there.

Shit.

Shit.

Shit .

How much of that had he heard? Judging by his cold stare, enough.

“Noah.”

His eyes shifted away from me. “We can just talk later. I have to get going.” He left quickly. Shit .

“Oh fuck, do you think he heard?” Mathew asked as I watched Noah walk away.

“I guess.”

“He seemed pissed. Are you two still…? I thought you weren’t.”

“We’re not. It’s just not that simple,” I tried to explain. “We’re not together. It’s fine. I can do whatever I want. I don’t have to feel bad about it. ”

He clicked his tongue. “Aw shit, Att.” He was disappointed, but there was something else. Something like pity. It burned a hole in my stomach.

“What?”

“You’re not even close to being over it, are you?”

Noah was walking briskly towards the parking lot. He turned the corner and was out of view.

I ran my hands through my hair. “I’m sorry, I have to go,” I told Mathew and walked away.

I didn’t go after Noah.

I didn’t have to feel bad about this.

I didn’t have to feel bad about this.

I didn’t have to feel bad about this.

I closed my eyes tightly and tried shaking the guilt out of my chest. That fucking pain, the Noah pain , was back.

I went to the gym and tried to work through what was happening in my head. I forced myself to forget the look on Noah’s face, to push it down and not feel bad. Ezra asked me a million times if I was doing okay, and I kept lying, saying everything was fine.

After an extra hour of grueling exercises, we finally left the gym. My body was sore, the kind of deep ache that usually brought satisfaction. Today, it was just a distraction.

As we stepped out, I saw Noah sitting on a bench in front of the entrance, waiting. The sight of him made my stomach twist.

“That explains it,” Ezra said, nodding towards Noah.

I shrugged, trying to act indifferent.

He rolled his eyes. “See you back home, Att.” He turned to walk towards the apartment.

Noah stood as I approached, his expression serious. “Sorry for showing up here.”

“It’s fine. We took longer,” I replied.

“Yeah, I noticed.” He took a deep breath. “Can we talk now? ”

“Sure.” There was no avoiding this. “Do you want to go somewhere?”

“Here’s fine.” He sat back on the bench.

I joined him, keeping a careful distance. Silence stretched between us.

“Are you waiting for me to say something? Because I was expecting you to start,” I finally said.

He looked down at his lap, his hands clasped tightly. “I knew what I wanted to say, but now I’m not sure,” he admitted.

My brows shot up. “Why?”

“I’ve been waiting for weeks for you to deal with it enough to want to talk. I didn’t realize dealing with it included fucking that guy, so I’m a little thrown off.” His words were sharp.

I shook my head. Crass as always.

“You have some nerve throwing that in my face,” I shot back, anger flaring.

He met my gaze. “You kissed me, Atty. You did it. And you told me to wait, and I did, and then you just…” He got up from the bench and paced. “You unblocked me from your phone. You’re flirting with me. I don’t fucking get it. What are you doing?”

“I’m sorry, am I confusing you? Are you finding my behavior difficult to deal with?” I stood up, too, unable to stay still. “I earned the right to be confusing, Noah. After dealing with all your shit for months—years—I earned it. You’re going to give me shit for having sex with Mathew? I’m curious, Noah, how many people have you had sex with since you dumped me?”

“That’s not the point.”

I laughed bitterly. “Of course, it’s not the point because it’s never about what you’re doing wrong, right? It’s always about what the world is doing to you, poor little lost Noah, to whom bad shit just happens. ”

“Stop it.”

“You broke me first.” My voice cracked.

His face softened, the anger bleeding quickly from it.

“You’re the one that keeps messing with my head. You’re the one that keeps smiling at me. You told me you still loved me. You want to know how many people I’ve had sex with, Noah?” I asked, my throat tight.

He shook his head.

“One! Last Friday, that guy. I didn’t even do it because I wanted to. I did it to get you out of my fucking head! It didn’t work, and now you’re here giving me shit for it? After who knows how many people you’ve had sex with…probably the day after you left me, if not sooner.”

He didn’t look mad anymore. “Atty.” He tried stepping closer.

“You think I’m confusing? You turned me into this, Noah. This is your fault. You made me fall in love with you, made me need you to breathe, made me feel safe and loved and needed, and then you left me. We had plans. You always talked about the future, about us. You pulled the rug from under me. You threw me away like I was nothing to you and didn’t say anything—not just when you left, but for two fucking years. You couldn’t pick up the phone to tell me what I did wrong to make you leave me.” My heart was aching.

“Atty,” he tried again, holding his hands up.

“No. Tell me, Noah, why didn’t you come sooner? Why did you wait this long?” I demanded, my voice raw.

“I couldn’t.”

“That’s bullshit, Noah.”

“It’s not,” he insisted, his voice weak.

“Why the fuck did you wait this long to come back and screw with me this way? What did I do to you that you feel the need to torture me like this?”

“I’m not torturing you.”

“No? What the hell do you call this? Making me love you, leaving, getting over you, and then coming back and trying to get back together with me. So what? You can change your mind and leave again in two weeks? I’m such a fucking idiot getting sucked into this again. I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking kissing you and talking to you again. I can’t deal with you,” I retorted, my anger spent, leaving only pain.

“I’m sorry, you’re right. I have no right getting mad at you for it.”

“Don’t do that.”

“What?” The confusion was clear in his eyes.

“Tell me what I want to hear. I hate it when you do that. You don’t mean it; you just want to get out of a fight.”

“No, that’s not what I’m doing at all. I mean it. I’m sorry. I let my jealousy get the best of me, and it’s not fair to you. I’m not lying,” Noah said quickly.

“I don’t trust you,” I snapped, watching his face fall. “I can’t tell when you’re lying to me. I don’t want to keep fighting with you. I fucking hate this.” I sat on the bench again.

Noah followed me. His hand found its way to my arm, and I pulled away.

“Atty, listen to me.”

“I’m done listening to you, Noah. It’s too late. You fucked up, and it’s too late.”

His hands touched my face, and he tried to get me to look at him, but I held back. “I didn’t leave because I didn’t love you anymore. I’ve told you that. I know I didn’t do it right. I should have told you and talked to you. I needed to leave, Atty. It was too much for both of us, making things worse for me. I was always letting you down and couldn’t handle it. I didn’t want to keep hurting you, but I didn’t stop loving you. You didn’t do anything wrong, Atty. I was the one who fucked up.” Noah leaned his forehead on the side of my face, his breath warm against my skin.

I closed my eyes. “You’re hurting me right now. ”

He sighed, and his lips pressed gently on my cheek.

Damn it .

“I’m so sorry. I know I have no right to ask anything from you, but I love you, Atty, and I know you still want me too. We both still want this, and I’m not saying we have to go back to where we left off. I want to prove to you that I’ve changed.” His voice was unsteady, his words tumbling over each other. He kissed my cheek again, and I could melt into his warmth. It would be so easy to give in to this.

“No, I’m not putting myself through this again.”

“We can go slow this time, for real. I can wait, and I’ll show you. I’m different. This is different.” He kept kissing my cheek, moving slowly towards my lips, his hands insistent on me.

I grabbed his wrist and tried to pull him off me. “This isn’t different. You’re doing the same thing,” I said weakly.

His kiss landed on the side of my lips.

“Please give me a chance to show you. Please,” he pleaded.

He snatched my jaw and pressed his lips on mine. He kissed me, and my body reacted to him like it always did. I kissed him back, my heart racing. I rested my forehead on his and tried to get his hands off me again. He let go easily this time but didn’t move away, kissing me again.

“This is what you do, Noah. You know you have this power over me. You know I can’t say no to you, and you keep doing it. This is not different; it’s exactly the same. You don’t listen to me when I say no. I can’t keep falling for this.”

He stopped trying to kiss me, moving a little farther away, but not far enough. “It’s not the same,” he insisted.

“It’s not?”

He pursed his lips together and gave a slight head shake.

“Are you sure about that?” I pressed.

He kept begging with his eyes. “It’s not the same, Atty,” he repeated .

“So what are you going to do now? Are you going to climb on my lap, Noah?” My voice was low and trembling.

His eyes filled with uncertainty.

“Are you going to kiss me until I can’t think straight?”

His lips parted.

“And then you’ll fuck me into submission. That’s usually how it goes, right?”

His hands dropped from mine. He looked hurt, worse than I had ever seen reflected in his eyes. “That’s not fair, Atty.”

“None of this is fair.” My words were filled with bitterness.

“You know that wasn’t it with us. You’re making it sound like it was all horrible, but it wasn’t. We were happy together too. Things got messed up, but I was really happy with you. I didn’t have sex with you to manipulate you into staying with me. That’s not fair.”

“Yes, you did, Noah. You know exactly what I’m talking about.”

The corners of his lips pulled downward.

“I can’t do it, Noah. I can’t let it go. Not even for you.”

“So, that’s it?” he said, his voice hollow.

“Yeah, Noah. This is it.”

His tears welled up in his eyes. “You’re mad at me because I brought up the thing with this guy. This wasn’t how this was supposed to go.”

“But it did. This is the way this is always going to go. We’re not good together, Noah. Maybe we were once, but we aren’t anymore.”

He kept shaking his head, refusing to accept it. “It’s not fair,” he insisted. “It was just this once, I swear. I’m not like this anymore. I don’t know why I had to say it.” He was getting even more upset.

I grabbed his neck and swept him towards my lips. He pressed his firmly on mine, kissing me over and over again, his desperation palpable.

“Don’t you feel that? How right it feels?” he asked me, placing his hand on my chest.

I did feel it, I just couldn’t keep listening to it.

“I can’t do this anymore, Noah. It’s over,” I told him.

He shook his head.

“Yes, it’s over. We’re over.”

“Please, just give me one more chance to prove it,” he begged, his hand curling on my shirt.

“I don’t have it in me. I don’t want to keep having this same fight. I don’t want to feel like this. We’re done, okay? Please let me be done. Give up on us, Noah.”

His eyes were filled with anguish. “I won’t.”

I took his hands from me and placed them on his lap. “I’m sorry.”

He gave me a brisk nod and looked down.

I got up and walked away. I didn’t think it could keep hurting this much.

I thought it couldn’t break any further.

I was so fucking wrong.