Chapter 24
CHAPTER
TWENTY-FOUR
AFTER
I sat across from Holly at a secluded coffee shop near campus, the kind of place with dim lighting and cozy corners perfect for hushed conversations. We were tucked away at a small table in the back. She ordered a glass of wine, trying to nudge me into doing the same, but I refused, waiting for her to go on.
“Let me start by saying, I didn’t lie to you, Att.”
I leaned back in the chair.
“When he left, I had no idea where he went. He didn’t tell me either.”
I felt a pit form in my gut. “Why are you bringing that up?” I asked. This was supposed to be about his medical condition, not about me or the breakup. She gave me a look that reeked of pity. Damn it.
“Because it happened two weeks after he left.”
The weight of her words was pressing on my chest.
“I think Noah must have a guardian angel or something, because he called me a couple of days before, and I landed in New York that same day,” she continued.
The pain kept getting stronger, heavier.
“What day, Holly? What happened?” I asked, our eyes locking.
She shrugged, her expression pained. “The day Noah overdosed.”
A tremor ran through me. I shook my head slightly, trying to process. “Why didn’t—” I began, my voice faltering.
“He asked me not to,” she interjected quickly. “When it happened, I freaked out and rushed him to the hospital. I didn’t even call his mom. I pretended to be his sister, got in the ambulance, and dealt with that. The first person I called was his mom, and it was the next night.”
“What happened?” I needed to know more. All of it.
“Noah never talked me through it. The only thing I could piece together was that he had people over, started having chest pains, and told one of the assholes with him to call me. I called an ambulance. When I got there, they were all gone, and Noah was in the back, plugged in. They told me it wasn’t just cocaine. He had taken a bunch of other stuff too—pain meds, strong stuff,” she explained.
Chest pains. “What else?” I pressed.
“He was in the ICU for a week, had a couple of surgeries. He had a mitral clip…that was the main thing. It’s a noninvasive procedure, but there was a complication, and they couldn’t do it. They had to go in again with a bigger one. Nobody knew he had a heart condition before. It was a small thing. It shouldn’t have affected him, but combined with the heart failure...” She trailed off, shrugging helplessly.
Heart failure. Those words echoed endlessly through my head.
“How bad was it? I mean, I know it was bad, but…” I could feel my hands shaking and placed them on my lap.
Holly took a deep breath. “He almost died, Att. It was about as serious as it gets.” Her eyes were a little red. She sniffled and took a big gulp of her glass.
It felt like the world was crumbling around me. Noah almost died. He almost died. I almost lost him for good, and I didn’t even know it. I was focused on hating him for leaving me while he was in a hospital bed.
“When they let me see him, the first thing he asked me to do was to call you. We tried from his phone, but it wouldn’t go through.”
I rubbed my knuckles over my lips, reining in my emotions.
“I asked him if I should try mine, but he refused. A few days later, he made me promise I wouldn’t tell you. I thought he was going to tell you when he came back, but he didn’t.”
“How long was he there for?” I asked, really regretting for the first time in my life not ordering a drink.
She sighed. “It was two weeks for the surgery, but he stayed for a month, because his mom had him committed as soon as he was cleared.”
“What?”
“She went to the apartment. She still thinks Noah did it on purpose. He was on psych hold and went straight to rehab. He was there for three months. Noah told me he chose that part. He had to keep up with physiotherapy and recovery while he was there. When he got out, he enrolled at Columbia before returning here this semester. He spent the whole time focusing on his recovery, trying to make sure he could play again.”
I exhaled. The pieces started falling together. It wasn’t just the drug-free lifestyle that got him to put on weight and get fit—it was his heart. The modest way he dressed, how he flinched when I reached for his chain, or the way he clung to the towel at the stress test. He didn’t want me to see his chest.
“Why didn’t he tell me?”
“You’ll have to ask him about that one. My best guess is he didn’t want to manipulate you into getting back together with him, using the I-almost-died card,” she said while holding her hand up and ordering another glass. “Now, I know I promised to stay out of it, and honestly, it’s the reason why I’ve been avoiding you, but I’m done with that.”
I waited for her to go on.
“I know he fucked up big time, Att, but he’s really changed. He’s learned, and he wants to keep learning. Hell, he’s even fixing his relationship with his mom. I know he’d kill me for this, but you’re the reason he got through this. He came back for you, and he’s tried so hard to be patient and give you what you need—whatever you need—to get you back. I don’t know what happened last week between you two, but he’s heartbroken again, and he’s sure it’s his fault.”
I thought about all the times Noah held back, his green eyes scanning my face, reading my expression and waiting for me to take the lead. Before, he had always reached first and thought second. It was a stark difference from the Noah I used to know, and at first, it made me uneasy, but now I knew Holly was being honest with me. Every time he did it, he was trying to show me he had changed.
“I don’t think Noah will ever give up on you, but he’s definitely given up on you forgiving him right now. I don’t know if he’s got it, but he applied for a transfer back to Columbia after that last talk.”
I swallowed hard. “He’s leaving.”
“I don’t know if I should have minded my own business, but I couldn’t stand back and not tell you. If it doesn’t work, that’s fine, but at least you know. Even if you don’t change your mind, I still think he deserves that chance, for you to know all the facts before it’s done.”
“Thank you for telling me.” My voice sounded hoarse, and I cleared my throat.
“I’m sorry for not telling you sooner. I kept rooting for things to work out and for Noah to say something. I think you deserved to know, but Noah’s like my brother, and I guess I have an even bigger soft spot for him now. I know things weren’t always perfect, but you don’t know what it was like watching you two. The way Noah talked about you when he met you, when you first kissed, seeing you two together. You know I’m a skeptic, but it felt epic, like epic romance or some shit like that.”
I chuckled despite the heaviness in my chest. “So you’re vouching for him.”
“I’m vouching for him. I know he messed up. He knows he did. He learned. He’s much better for it.”
The waiter came and filled her cup.
“I don’t know what to say. I thought…” I started and looked away. “I don’t know what I thought, but I didn’t think this was it.”
“He’s doing much better, Att. He’s healthy now. He’s good about taking care of himself.”
The burning behind my eyes intensified. That was good. That was all I had ever wanted for him.
I left shortly after that, walking home and trying to sort myself out.
This changed everything. I had almost lost Noah. I couldn’t begin to imagine what it would have been like, in the midst of my heartbreak, to get a call from Holly telling me the paramedics didn’t make it in time. At the same time, it hurt that he had let things get that bad, that he had gone so far off the rails they had to have him committed. Noah had always been too much for me to handle.
When I got home, I threaded through the maze of packed boxes to Colin’s door and knocked lightly.
“Yeah?” he called out.
“Can I come in?” I asked.
Colin came to the door, and I could see he had started to pull clothes out of his closet. “Hey, Att. I thought you had class till three. ”
“I went out for coffee with Holly. Or, well, we were at a coffee shop, and she had wine,” I said, and saw him pale.
“Oh,” he let out.
I leaned against the door frame. “I know you know about the overdose, Col,” I said and saw his shoulders slump. “After Holly told me, your reaction when I mentioned seeing Noah at the health center was a giveaway.”
His blue eyes stayed fixed on mine until he finally nodded. “Yeah, I knew.”
“I think I need a drink, and I figure you owe me one.”
“After training?—”
“We’re not going to training today, Col. I can’t see him right now, and like I said, you owe me,” I repeated.
He grabbed his wallet, and we left home.
We went to Colin’s local pub. They thankfully didn’t card me, and he got us whiskey. I stared at it, thinking about Noah again, and drank.
And drank.
And drank.
Colin told me he had heard about it one week after it happened. His mom had told him. He thought it had been a relapse, nothing serious, and decided not to tell me. He said I was having such a bad time with the breakup that he didn’t want to make it worse by telling me Noah was back in rehab. A little less than a month ago, Colin had talked to his mom, who told him how serious it had been. He talked to Holly after that and even Noah. After he did, Noah had asked him not to tell me. He told me Noah didn’t get into the details of what happened. His mom had been the one who told Colin about Noah being in the ICU and having multiple heart surgeries.
As he talked, the only thing I could think of was how small everything felt in comparison to this. I couldn’t stop thinking about the possibilities, everything that could have gone wrong. If Holly hadn’t answered her phone, if she hadn’t flown to New York that day, if the ambulance had taken longer. So much could have been worse, and Noah could have been dead right now.
I hated the taste of whiskey, but the burn in my throat was a welcome distraction from those thoughts. I didn’t talk much, just listened to Colin walk me through it. He asked me about a million times if I was alright, and I kept nodding.
On our way back home, I was unsteady on my feet and told Colin I just wanted to sleep it off.
I watched the ceiling in my room and saw the bedroom circling towards the left, stopping, and beginning again.
Noah could have died.
I grabbed my phone and thought about texting him, calling him. I put it back on the bed and closed my eyes. It wasn’t as if it canceled it out. He had still left. He had still treated me like crap.
But it felt like it did.
I opened my eyes, and the room spun again. I searched my phone and opened the music app, scrolling to Noah’s playlist. I saw all the familiar titles and then some. Song after song played and it took me through everything. The wonderful moments where I thought my heart would burst, the embarrassing lines that made my face flush, and eventually, the new ones, laced with regret and heartbreak. It was like traveling through time.
I found the Chicago song, the one that I knew would probably break me, and played it against my better judgment. The soft piano and almost familiar beat made my heart ache; it was so like Noah. All those songs he kept playing and singing to, every morning and during the day. It was a sad song, that much was clear. I sat and listened as the man sang and reached the chorus.
I braced myself.
It fit. Painfully so. We had been through so much. Did he really want to make it up to me ?
The burning behind my eyes reached an unbearable level. I rubbed my hand over my face to keep myself from crying over this. It was so like him, being unable to say something so simple, but finding the words through a song that somehow made everything better.
Then it went on to say that I was the part of him he could never let go.
Damn it, Noah.
I got my headphones off and pushed off the bed, grabbing my keys and walking out the door. I called a car and waited impatiently until the driver left me at the side of Noah’s building. I stared up at it and took a deep breath.
The doorman greeted me with a smile, which I returned.
“Mr. King, it’s nice to see you again. Do you need me to ask Mr. Rossi to come down?” he asked.
“Hi, Harold. No, actually.” I hesitated before firming my resolve. “Can you ask him if I can come up?”
He called and spoke when Noah answered. He signaled me to go ahead. “Mr. Rossi will see you now,” he said with a polite smile, waving towards the elevator.
I turned towards it. “Is he…?”
“He’s by himself,” he answered before I finished.
I nodded and took tentative steps towards the elevator. No turning back now.