24. Chapter 24
24
W ith a sigh, she stared straight ahead down the street, and flatly replied, “I took it off some wannabe criminal badass in a back alley a few weeks ago.”
“ What ?” He threw his head back and roared with laughter. “Don’t tell me there isn’t more to that story.”
She couldn’t, and she knew he wouldn’t stop asking.
So she took the plunge and told him about that night in the alley, when she’d slipped out of the compound to blow off a little steam and found herself thwarting the potential mugging of the human woman she’d rescued, only for that same woman to fall right into the hands of an amateur gang of magical jackasses in the back parking lock.
She explained how she’d seen it work when the Cruorcian Boyd had used the hex doll on the woman. The glowing green runes in a conjured casting circle floating in the air. The blue-silver mist in the shape of a clown that had terrified the woman while she hovered four feet in the air and nearly choked to death.
But that was it.
Rebecca purposefully didn’t mention what had happened to that little gang afterward. Or that Maxwell had followed her and might have seen everything. Nor did she tell Rowan she’d already used the hex doll once before in the prison yard at Harkennr’s facility. Or the fact that it seemed not to have any effect on shifters—or maybe just specifically Maxwell Hannigan.
“And that’s the story,” she finished.
“Fantastic.” Rowan leered at her, vigorously rubbing his hands together. “And how did those guys get their mitts on it? I mean, if they were really as pathetic as you made them sound…”
“Honestly, I have no idea. I’m just glad I took it off them before Azyyt Ra’al ever caught wind of it.”
Rowan’s amused chuckle cut off abruptly. “Azyyt Ra’al?”
Shit. That had slipped into her story as easily as Rebecca had slipped back into the ease of sharing everything with him like she once had. She hadn’t meant to bring Azyyt Ra’al into this at all.
Maybe he wouldn’t mention it again.
“How does Azyyt Ra’al play into all this?”
Dammit. Of course he wouldn’t leave that alone, either, and he wouldn’t move on to anything else until she offered an acceptable explanation.
“Because the little gang in the alley all had thrall brands,” she replied.
“All of them?”
She shot him a pert look.
Rowan grinned. “So you took their toy and killed them for it.”
“Hey, they started it.”
Why did she even feel like she had to defend herself?
“I’m sure they did,” he said. “I’m sure you gave them every opportunity to use their brains and get the hell out of there, too.”
Rebecca finally relented beneath the urge to smile, though she kept it small and contained. “Exactly.”
“Then they really were complete idiots.”
When the conversation died, Rebecca would have loved to believe Rowan was satisfied with her story, which contained more information than she’d given him since he’d broken through Shade security and refused to speak to anyone but “the elf.” But it wouldn’t last.
Once Rowan’s furious brainstorm died down, he’d be all over her again with even more questions.
The thought made her want to cringe.
Rebecca knew Rowan Blackmoon only too well.
“You got in a fight with an imbecilic gang of Azyyt Ra’al thralls,” he said, “dropped them all in a back alley, and stole the single most dangerous weapon from the old world anyone could have possibly gotten their hands on. Except you, of course.”
She rolled her eyes. “Oh please.”
“This changes everything.” The rising pitch in his voice told her all she needed to know. There was no stopping him now. “ Múrg dah’lás ! You took the fucking Darkspawn right out from under them. And the Azyyt Ra’al is here, in this world.”
“In Chicago, at least,” she murmured.
“By the Blood.” Rowan gawked at her, then erupted with another gale of laughter as he skipped a little happy dance beside her on the sidewalk.
The thought of shoving him off the curb and under oncoming traffic flashed through her mind, making her snort.
“This changes everything ,” he mused.
“I don’t see how.”
“It’s Azyyt Ra’al. Azyyt Ra’al! How much better can it get?”
They clearly had two very different definitions of the word “better.”
“This is perfect for us,” Rowan continued. “I couldn’t have asked for a better surprise! That’s why you’ve been holding out on me this whole time, right?”
She wouldn’t have answered that even if he’d given her the time to respond.
Rowan clapped his hands together and skipped again on the sidewalk, barking out another laugh as the wheels turned non-stop in his devious mind. “ Think about it! If you already have a line on Azyyt Ra’al here, we can go after them on Earth . Wipe them off the board entirely before we ever step foot back home.
“What a leg up the Tha’rossa Clans would have then , all with you and I still right here in this world. Not to mention how much an advantage the Darkspawn will undoubtedly serve us in the war to come—”
“Stop!” As if her voice commanded them both, Rebecca and Rowan stopped together on the sidewalk.
He gazed at her, his hazel eyes wide and glinting with mischief and all the plans she saw forming and maturing in his mind.
She felt like an idiot just standing there, and she hadn’t meant to stop. But it was too much to maintain her composure and walk them back to headquarters and listen to Rowan planning for a future that could never and would never exist because she refused to be a part of it.
“It wouldn’t take much,” he muttered his face lighting up with unimaginable excitement. Murderous excitement. “Not with you and I in this together.”
“Rowan, stop. Just…stop it. No.”
“But the war—”
“There is no war to come. And I’m not doing this. You’re talking about the whole thing as if I’ve actually agreed to any of the ludicrous shit you’ve been proposing lately, but I’m not doing any of this. I’m not on board. There is no you and me in this world before we go home. It’s not happening.”
His gaze flickered back and forth across her face as he studied her, his grin unflinching.
Would he ever take her seriously? She didn’t know how many more times she was willing to try convincing him, but her will for it was running out.
Rebecca would not change her mind, and his inability to see that just wasn’t her problem.
With a heavy sigh, she tore her gaze away from him and stormed down the sidewalk again.
As usual, Rowan’s careless chuckle floated along after her before he trotted down the sidewalk to reach her side again, like a lost little puppy that couldn’t understand it wasn’t wanted.
“Oh, come on, Kilda’ari ,” he said, pouting. “You know how huge this is.”
“It’s not an option!”
“You can’t let your pride dictate every decision for the rest of your life,” he said. “Listen, if anyone understands why you left, it’s me. But don’t you think you’ve dragged this out long enough? Trust me, you made your point a long time ago. The damage was done, I can tell you that much. Has it opened their eyes completely? Probably not, but they’re waking up. That’s something.”
But it wasn’t enough.
Rebecca didn’t want the Bloodshadow Court to wake up, or to open their eyes, or to change their ways. She didn’t want its understanding or forgiveness. In Agn’a Tha’ros, mercy was useless to her.
She wanted freedom and choice to live her own life instead of existing to fulfill someone else’s understanding of it. To decide when and where she would be a weapon and for which causes.
This wasn’t about being right. This was about being free, being alive, and that would never be possible for her on Xahar’áhsh. It hadn’t been. It wasn’t now.
Even if she did everything in her power to fulfill the bullshit prophecy Rowan so fervently believed in, the Bloodshadow Court still wouldn’t let her go. Once it was finished, there would always be some other role for the Bloodshadow Heir to act out, some other duty to fulfill, and it would never be hers.
“I know you heard me,” Rowan continued, as if blind to who she was and her ability to decide for herself. “This is serious stuff, Kilda’ari . It won’t just go away. I’ve let you drag me around this world, playing on your timeline, but you can’t keep holding this grudge. What purpose would it ever serve?”
“If you won’t hear what I’ve been telling you,” she said, “this conversation is over.”
“Oh, I’ve heard you. But we’re not children anymore, either. You can’t stay here playing Roth-Da’al of the Rejects for the rest of your life.”
“One more word, Blackmoon,” she snarled, “and I’ll show you exactly what I can do.”
She’d spit it out as a knee-jerk reaction, not expecting it to change anything when her earnest refusals had been wholly ineffective.
But to her surprise, Rowan’s frown deepened as he studied her face, and finally, he kept his mouth shut.
What a wonderful realization. Speaking from genuine honesty did nothing to change his mind, but threatening something he shouldn’t have cared about more than her decision seemed to do the trick in an instant.
They both knew she could gravely injure him if she set her mind to it, but his hesitation to risk that above believing her and trusting that she knew her own mind, her own heart, hurt more than she could have imagined.
The Rowan from her childhood and the beginning decades of her life at Court was gone, left in the past with everything else. This Blackmoon Elf walking solemnly beside her?
He was a stranger wearing her best friend’s face. Nothing more.
There was no replacement for that and no immediate way she knew of to ease the pain of such a realization.
Rowan had turned from her, plain and simple. He’d chosen the Bloodshadow Court and the Tha’rossa Clans and all their prophecies and empty promises over her .
He was just like the rest of them. Rebecca just hadn’t seen it until now.
She hadn’t wanted to see it until now, but a truth once seen could never be unseen.
Rowan Blackmoon could never be again who he once was.
Neither could Rebecca.
Now, she realized, she couldn’t even count on him to stick to his decision and leave the subject alone.
This must have been close to what Maxwell felt every time he and Rowan were in the same room. This suspicion and unease, wondering just how far the Blackmoon Elf would take it this time.
Rebecca could hold herself in check the way she had because she knew Rowan—or at least she had . Maybe it was the memory of him that kept her from acting on her frustration, but Maxwell?
Well, she certainly had a greater appreciation for his capacity for self-control.
If Maxwell had joined them in this little outing, he might have been the one to hold her back from losing her cool.
How odd that a walk across Chicago with her old friend and the conversation she never wanted to have made her think of Maxwell now too.
What didn’t make her think of him these days?
She shook that thought from her mind and focused instead on putting one foot in front of the other toward the compound. It was the only thing she could focus on that didn’t come with either confusion, regret, or boiling anger.
They were ten minutes out from the old factory Shade had turned into its headquarters compound when Rowan broke the silence again. Only this time, he was somber and sulking.
That part didn’t excite her much, either.
“To be fair though,” he said, “I never imagined it would be this hard to bring you around.”
She fought back a snort. “Bring me around?”
“I expected the resistance first, of course. It’s always a push-pull game with you. Always has been. But this? It’s gone on too long, Kilda’ari . I thought you would’ve been much more eager to get started on what we need to accomplish, no matter how long you’ve been in this world, on your own…”
There he was, the Rowan she’d known—the Rowan she’d cared for and respected, the Rowan she’d trusted—reappearing beside her, just when she’d started to believe he was gone forever.
But how much longer would this version of him stick around?
She guessed it wouldn’t be for very long.
“Things are different now,” she told him gently. “Even if you can’t understand it, it doesn’t change the fact that it’s true.”
He shrugged and slipped his hands into the front pockets of his slacks. “You’ll come around, eventually.”
He seemed so sure of it, which instantly made her think he still had something else hidden up his sleeve. Some final trick or revelation he’d been saving for the very end as a last resort.
The prospect gave her no comfort, especially when now it felt like he might have planned this all along from the beginning—her resistance, his unending determination to change her mind and bring her home, plus everything else Rowan might have set into motion in his attempts to stay several moves ahead of her.
But if her plans had gone the way they were supposed to, he never would have found her in the first place.
How could he have accounted for all her intentions going wrong somewhere along the way?
“You’ll come around, eventually.”
He really still thought she was pretending here with all this, didn’t he?
Worst of all, if Rowan still didn’t take her seriously, she couldn’t let her guard down for even a second as long as he stuck around.
If he still didn’t believe she had truly changed enough to reject the Bloodshadow Court and Agn’a Tha’ros and even him , how many other things would he screw up for her before he realized Rebecca just wasn’t playing the game anymore?
And how long would that take?
Keeping him here as a member of Shade, as any part of her life in any capacity, would only keep dragging her down over and over until she finally released him.
Their little outing today had opened her eyes more than she’d expected. Rebecca couldn’t ignore the truth of things any longer.
Maxwell was right.
Rowan Blackman was a liability for her and her entire task force. He was completely out of touch with the way life worked in this world and the place of magicals in it, whether old-world Xaharí or Earthborn. He’d been here long enough to note the differences, and it still seemed his only priority aligned with the mind-numbing duty to which he and Rebecca had both been sworn to uphold.
All because of an age-old prophecy of bullshit to which she no longer ascribed.
The most difficult realization of all, though—what she hated to admit to herself but could no longer ignore—was that Rebecca just couldn’t control him anymore. She’d thought she could. She’d hoped it would be possible, but he’d proven her wrong today.
Never, under any circumstances for any reason, would she agree to return to Xahar’áhsh with him. But now, it was just as clear to her that she couldn’t let him stay, either.
It was time to admit Rowan was almost as dangerous for her and Shade as Aldous—just with a working brain.
When she and Rowan entered the underground parking garage together to make their way inside, her thoughts turned on her when they offered the most harrowing realization of all.
She stopped short, staring straight ahead because the shock of it was almost physically painful.
Rowan reached the base of the stairs leading up to the ground floor and paused to look over his shoulder at her. “Coming?”
“Yeah. You go ahead. I’m right behind you.”
With a flickering smile, he shrugged and disappeared up the stairwell.
Rebecca’s heart beat furiously in her chest, which felt crushed beneath the sudden weight impossible to remove. There was no denying that she’d just hit the full truth of it.
She’d thought Rowan was almost as dangerous as Aldous, but that wasn’t all of it.
Rowan was so much smarter, so much more capable, and far more determined to finish what he started, no matter what stood in his way.
All things considered, that actually made him more dangerous than Aldous. It made him a kind of threat Shade as a whole—and Rebecca specifically—just couldn’t afford.
If she wanted any hope of successfully leading her task force into the future and protecting it in whatever ways necessary, Rowan had to go.
Maybe, in some small part of her heart, she’d expected to come to this conclusion eventually anyway. But she hadn’t foreseen how much it would break her heart to do what had to be done.