Embracing Juliette (Texas Heroes: Station 9 #1)

Chapter 52

52

Juliette

I t felt so good to be in Dylan’s arms. I wanted to climb on him and burrow in like a baby monkey. I held back only because of his injuries, but emotionally, I was all in. If he took me back, I’d never let him go ever again.

My emotions had been a roller coaster since talking to Sarah earlier. One second I was ready to call Dylan and beg his forgiveness for what happened at the fire and for abandoning him in the hospital and during his recovery. Then the next, I was afraid he couldn’t forgive me for walking away. Then I’d remember it didn’t matter, because we didn’t belong together anyway.

I’d been on the couch, stress-eating ice cream, trying to figure it all out when I imagined my life without him. I thought that maybe, if I could still summon the strength Dylan brought out in me, but with more realistic expectations for my life like I had before being with him, life could be great. But it wouldn’t. He’d opened up my world, granted me freedom and safety to do more, to be more, and I couldn’t go back. I didn’t want to go back. And I didn’t want to do it without him.

Sarah’s words had popped into my head. If that’s the vase you choose to keep, you accept it all and you love it all. Because you can’t change what’s already there. You can only love and accept it, just as it is, the good parts, the ugly parts, and the broken parts too. And once you choose that vase, it’s yours to take care of . A few minutes and a quick project later, and I was on my way to see Dylan. He was mine to take care of. Mine to love. We’d find a way to make it work.

“Come, Juls. Let’s go sit out back and talk.” Dylan limped his way to the picnic tables at the back of the station. I followed close behind, grateful my ankle was better and trying not to be obvious that I was ready to catch him if he fell in the uneven grass.

He sat, leaned his crutches against the table, and reached his hand out to me like he had so many times before. That hand had been a safety line for me so many times. Like I was a rock climber, free to reach new heights, knowing that I was safely tethered to someone who would never let me fall. Oh God, how I wanted to take that hand and lean on him. I had to stand strong for this conversation first though, so I clasped my hands behind my back to keep them from reaching out without my permission and sat across from him.

“Are you okay, baby?” Dylan asked as I sat.

I nodded. Then I shook my head. Then I shrugged as the tears started.

“Physically, are you okay? How’s your ankle? The cuts?”

“Everything’s good now. I haven’t needed the boot for a while.”

He reached his hand across the table. “Please, baby. I can’t just sit here like this. I need to touch you.”

This time I put my hand in his and grabbed on tight. Was it so wrong to use him for support when I said the words that I knew would hurt him?

I took a breath. I had to say it all, even if it would destroy me. “I’m sorry, Dylan. I’m sorry it took me so long to get help when you were in the fire. I’m so sorry I abandoned you when you were hurt. You took such good care of me. You were like a rock to me, and I used you to climb higher, to lean on when I felt weak. You helped me be more, be better, than I ever thought I could be. It felt so natural to lean on you that I wasn’t even aware how much I was doing it. When I was with you, you made me see myself in such a good way, I forgot who I really was—until I was forced to act on my own to save you. Then reality hit me like a ton of bricks. I got scared, Dylan. That’s why I left. It’s dangerous to forget my limitations. My whole life I’ve avoided taking risks where my dyspraxia could endanger others. And you made me forget all that. You made me take risks and do more and you gave me confidence that made me believe I could do more than I really could. You inspired dreams, you made me imagine a future of us raising kids together, where I imagined myself as this awesome mom, taking my kids on adventures, and being class mom and doing things I don’t know if I can do.”

Dylan came around the table and sat next to me. He grasped my face in his hands, leaving me no choice but to look at him, to witness the tears streaming down his face too. “You’re breaking my heart, baby. It guts me to hear you say that.”

He slid his hands into my hair and pulled me to him. It felt so good, but I pushed back. I still had more to say.

“I love you, baby.” His voice cracked, nearly cracking my resolve along with it.

“I love you, too. So much. But wait, I have more I have to say.” I looked into his beautiful, tear filled eyes. “Love does not conquer all. Your love might make me feel stronger, but it’s a mirage, it can’t really change who a person is. You are a hero. The world needs you to be exactly who you are. And I am still me. When push came to shove, dyspraxia won.” I cleared my throat and wiped my eyes. “But…but if you’re willing to take a chance on me again, I promise I’ll try to be the best I can.”

“First of all, of course I want to be with you. Always. I love you exactly the way you are. I’ve known who you were from the very beginning, even when you tried to convince me back then that I was taking a gamble on you. When I met you that day at Nolan’s, I knew it was the luckiest day of my life, and I’ve never doubted it since. Second, everything you just said is fucking bullshit.”

I startled at the venom in his voice at the end, but he held my face, leaving me no room to move away.

“Don’t you dare tell me love doesn’t change a person. It sure as shit changed us. We are better when we are together, and you fucking know it.”

He took a deep breath and continued in a calmer voice. “Juls, baby, I’m the one who’s sorry. It was reckless of me to run into that house and leave you without a way to call for help. That was on me. I thought you’d have your phone. I’m so sorry you didn’t have it. I’m so fucking sorry, baby. I never meant to do that to you. It kills me that it happened that way, and then that you had to run on a sprained ankle and with all your injuries. I hate that you had to do that, but I’m so damn proud of you that you did. Please, I beg you, don’t let that destroy you or us like this.”

He pulled me back in, and I felt a shuddering breath move through him before he pushed me back again, holding me in place with his eyes as much as his hands.

“Juls, from the day I met you, I saw you, the good and the bad. And I immediately wanted more. I love everything about you. You are strong and brave. So much stronger than you give yourself credit for. And you’re empathetic and caring. I’m okay that you’re quiet and reserved when you aren’t comfortable, and I absolutely love that I get to enjoy a side of you that most don’t get the privilege of. I love that I can bring out the best in you. And I know that’s true, you can’t tell me it’s not. You bring out the best in me too. We’re so good together, baby. We can’t turn our backs on love that is so good, so right.”

“I know. That’s not the problem.”

“Is it that you’re mad at me, Juls? You have good reason to be.”

“No! I hate that you got hurt, but I’m proud that you saved them. I just...I’m sorry.”

“Nothing to be sorry for, baby. We’re all okay. I know it felt like it took you forever to get to the fire station, but it didn’t. The house wasn’t even fully engulfed when the trucks arrived. We were safe where we were. You got help to us in time. You did it, baby. I know you were so scared. Anyone would have been. It doesn’t matter what path you took to get there. I’m sorry that path was so hard for you. But it does not matter. The only thing that matters is that you did it, and I’m so proud of you for that. I never doubted that you would. I didn’t know exactly what it would take for you to get us help, but I never for a second doubted that you would do whatever it took. Please trust my faith in you. I’m sorry you don’t feel it for yourself right now, but can you let my faith in you carry you until we can restore yours?”

“Sarah said that you told her you knew I’d get you help. Did you really mean it?”

“When did you talk to Sarah?”

“She called me after she came here and we met at a coffee shop.”

Dylan frowned. “They shouldn’t have given her your number. I’m going to talk to them about that. And you shouldn’t have met up with a stranger by yourself. But, yes, I meant it. A thousand percent, baby. I know you doubt yourself, but I do not.”

“She told me you said I’d walk through fire for you if I had to. I would. But what if next time I can’t make it through? What if I can’t be enough for you?”

“Oh, baby, you’re killing me. You are enough for me. Your heart, you mind, your love. You, Juliette. You are enough just as you are. You are more than enough. You are everything I want. Exactly as you are.”

“I’m scared,” I whispered.

“I know this shook you to your core, baby, I know. But do you still trust me?”

“Yes, always.”

Dylan looked deep in thought. “You know what, I’m going to change what I said before. I said that love changed us, but maybe it hasn’t changed us so much as it’s made us better versions of ourselves. I no longer worry about whether I’m doing enough, not because I don’t want to be a hero, but because being your hero is all that I need. I fucked that up, but I won’t let it happen ever again. Building you up, being your rock, your safety net, giving you, giving us, the life that we deserve together fulfills me in a way that nothing else ever has.

“I’ve watched as you’ve embraced the good and not as good parts of yourself, and you’ve blossomed before my eyes, baby. I know you’ve felt it too. I know you’ve been as proud of yourself as I am. But that doesn’t mean that I’ve forgotten the scared, insecure girl I first met. I know that’s still there. Part of loving you is loving every part of you. I know you have all the issues that you’re thinking about right now. I’m okay with it. I love you exactly how you are, every single part of you. And I know you love me the same way, even if it scares you. We’re so good together because of all our strengths and our quirks.” He paused and tightened his hands, holding me prisoner with his earnest expression. “I’m going to ask you again. Do you trust me?”

Yes, of course I trusted him. But there was something else in his words…

I’ve watched as you’ve embraced the good and not as good parts of yourself, and you’ve blossomed before my eyes… I know you’ve been as proud of yourself as I am… Part of loving you is loving every part of you.

And in what Sarah had said...

If you love a person, you have to accept them exactly as they are. You can’t change what’s already there. You can only love and accept it, just as it is, the good parts, the ugly parts, and the broken parts too. Even if it breaks, you don’t throw it away. You fix it. You accept it.

What if it wasn’t really about loving, trusting, or accepting him? What if it was about loving, trusting, and accepting myself?

I was trying to. This wasn’t going right, though. I’d gone to see Dylan with the intention of groveling for his forgiveness and begging for another chance. I think I’d already apologized and he even accepted it, but somehow it had gotten lost. I was the one who walked away from Dylan, and I needed him to know that I came back to him. I didn’t need him to ask for my trust. I needed to tell him that he already had it.

“Wait. Dylan, stop. Please just listen to me.”

Dylan nodded and waited patiently.

This was one time that I couldn’t allow my words to get tangled and twisted. I took a deep breath and injected every bit of control I had into my words. “Yes, I trust you. I love you. I want to be with you forever. I promise to love you just as you are, and I promise to try to love myself the way I am too, so I can be my best for you. For us. If you’ll take me back, I promise I’ll never walk away again. I’ll fight for us. For you.”

Dylan’s arms wrapped around me, pulling me into his lap.

“Stop! Your leg!”

“Don’t care, I need you.”

“You have me, Dylan.”

“I’m never letting you go.”

“Never.”

“Strong as fuck, Juls,” he said, his face buried in my hair, his breath whispering along my neck. And then his lips were on mine and it was like returning home after a lifetime away. We kissed until neither of us could breathe, then we pulled apart just enough to gaze into each other’s teary eyes.

“I love you, Juliette.”

“I love you too, Dylan.”

“Wait, I have something for you.” I dug into my pocket, closed my fist around the tiny little thing that meant everything, and held it out to Dylan.

“Is this...?”

“My new key. I’m sorry I changed it.”

Dylan grabbed the key and grabbed me, smothering me in the best way again. “It’s okay, baby. Thank you. You don’t know what this means to me.”

I held him tighter, soothing my hands over his back. He sounded choked up and I hated that I brought this big, strong man to tears. “It’s not okay. But I knew you were determined enough to come in, and I didn’t know if I’d be strong enough to see you without caving.”

“I did try to go in, and I’m sorry for that. I feel like an ass about it now. I just needed to see you.”

“It’s part of your charm. And speaking of charms, did you see the keychain?”

Dylan shifted me to his side and brought the keychain between us. “I love my caveman,” he read. He pulled me back in again and shuddered, and there was no question that he was crying. “Baby. I love you. I love you so fucking much.”

I’d felt a little silly making him a bead keychain with a heart for the word love, like I always had my students make for Mothers Day and Fathers Day, but I was so glad I did. “I love you too,” I said through my own tears. Because how could I not cry at the feel of him crying? But I’d take these happy tears any day.

“I want to go in and apologize to everyone.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“I know, but I want to.”

Dylan pulled back to look me in the eyes, and I could tell he was about to try to save me from my own good intentions, but he stopped himself. “Let’s go in then. I’d hold your hand if I didn’t have these damn crutches.”

“I’ll be right next to you.”

“Always.”

It wasn’t a question, but I agreed anyway. “Always.”

I matched Dylan’s pace as he hobbled in, and then took his hand when he leaned the crutches against the wall in the common room and whistled loudly.

The guys came, responding to his whistle like a bunch of well-trained, big-muscled puppies. Their gazes took in our clasped hands and smiling faces, and it was a beautiful sight watching their smiles bloom.

“Happy for you guys,” Ryan said as he came in to hug me.

“Wait.” Dylan eyed me and I nodded. “Juliette has something to say first.”

“Um, I just wanted to apol…say sorry. Leaving Dylan in the hospital was the hardest and dumbest thing I’ve ever done. I love him. I’ll love him no matter what. It—” I wanted to say that it was myself that I had to learn to love, but I could already feel those words twisting in my head. “It’s going to be better now,” I finished instead. “I’m going to be better.” Close enough. I knew what I meant. I was going to be better, because I was going to learn to love myself—cracks and all.

Liam hugged me first. “You’ve always been perfect,” he whispered. “You were the only one who didn’t see it.”

“Happy to have you back,” Ryan said in his usual gruff voice, but with a strong hug that contradicted his tone.

“Sorry for running out on you,” I said to Cole when he hugged me.

“If you’d told me you needed time alone, I would have hidden away with you for a while. We’ve all got your back. Don’t forget that.”

I hugged him back tighter. “Thank you,” I choked out.

Brady came in next. “Glad Dylan won’t be moping around anymore. You have no idea how much he missed you.”

I had a pretty good idea.

Ethan was last. “Sometimes we need to get away for a bit to come back stronger. You don’t need to apologize for that. Just make it worth it.”

“Stop making my woman cry,” Dylan said, pulling me away from Ethan and back into his arms. He wiped my tears with his thumbs and kissed me gently on my forehead. “Strong as fuck, baby. Ready to take me home?”