27. Forgiveness
Chapter twenty-seven
Forgiveness
Jolie stared out the window, tears dripping from her face. She suppressed her sobs with a hand over her mouth, barely breathing, barely thinking. Adrik sat beside her with his head in his hands. His grief had been loud and overwhelming, but now he was quiet, and it was terrifying. She didn’t reach out. She didn’t know what he needed from her, but something told her to stay back.
They entered a community with big golden gates and traveled down a brick road. Mansions were spread out on one-acre properties, with short driveways leading up to five-car garages. Their house was made of dark brick and white trimming, recently built, and well cared for.
Jolie stumbled, barely able to move her legs as she entered the house. Adrik was stone, a wall, and he walked with a stiff back.
“Adrik? Alexei? Gil?” Tatianna called down the hall. She walked swiftly, and Jolie fell against the wall when Tatianna’s attention landed on Adrik’s face. “What’s happened?”
When Adrik didn’t answer, a soldier whispered in her ear. She shook her head first, looking at Adrik. “Where’s my son, Adrik? Where’s Alexei?” Her knees weakened, and she fell against the soldier, but then she pushed him away and attacked Adrik, screaming, “Where’s Alexei? Bring me my son!” She smacked his chest, pushing him. “Bring me my son!”
Jolie’s heart broke, and she ran down the hall to find a room to hide in, shutting the door behind her. There was a bed. It didn’t matter who it belonged to; she threw herself on it and finally allowed herself to cry without holding anything back. It was everything she had held in for the past six weeks. It was losing Helina, and Alexei. It was losing a love that could have been—that would have been—if Vincent hadn’t come back into her life. She mourned for the woman she had been and for the woman she now was.
Jolie didn’t know how long she lay there before someone knocked on her door. She was surprised to see a man wearing a white coat and a medical bag. He came in, uninvited and uncommunicative, motioning for her to sit. He stitched up the wound across her cheek while belittling her in Russian (Jolie assumed.) Thankfully after he finished, a female nurse, who spoke English, came in shortly after and explained that Adrik had ordered a physical examination. Jolie thought it was unnecessary, but 'Mr. Morozov insists' kept coming out of the nurse's mouth. To gain back his trust, Jolie did everything they asked, even when they went on to perform a rape exam. It devastated her that Adrik was scared she had been assaulted. She wanted to run up to him right now and tell her she was okay despite the trauma she suffered.
Or maybe he thinks I was screwing around.
“Now we need you to pee in a cup and if you aren’t pregnant, we’ll talk about birth control.”
Jolie numbly nodded and went to the bathroom. After the test came back negative, Jolie settled on a shot that she would need every three months to keep from getting pregnant. She didn’t have the mentally capacity to remember to take a pill every day.
With her strength depleted, Jolie went back to sleep, and before she knew it, it was daylight. The sun had risen, and it was a new day, full of broken dreams. She didn’t want to face it, but she had to get up and use the bathroom. Jolie held her broken glasses against her face and sat up.
Boxes stacked against the wall. Though she wasn’t sure if they had been there before, they said her name. She tentatively shifted through them and found all her clothes that had been abandoned in the house. And then her cat Tae-Tae jumped up on the box and meowed in her face. “Oh, my god.” She whimpered, and the tears began again. She swept Tae-Tae in her arms, rubbing her face against his furry body. “Ming?” she called out, searching. “Ming? Tut, tut, tut.” But as the seconds passed, she concluded that Ming was missing. The pain was shoveled under everything else. “I’m so happy I have you.” Her legs gave out from emotional exhaustion, and she sat against the box, simply petting her cat, allowing him to give her some relief from the pain .
A knock on her door brought in a servant. He bowed to her. “Hello, ma’am, I’m David. I will be your personal servant. As soon as someone is available, they will hang your things.” He set a breakfast tray on the dresser. “I believe this is the correct prescription?” David handed her a box of contacts. Jolie’s heart ached when they were dropped in her palm. How did Adrik do it? How did he care so well? “A new pair of glasses should arrive in a few days. Is there anything else I can get you?”
“How’s Adrik?”
“Mr. Morozov has left the compound.”
She nodded, and her gaze drifted. Jolie never had a sibling; it was something in her life she always craved, a sibling to know her better than she knew herself. Adrik and Alexei had been as close as siblings get. She couldn’t imagine what Adrik was feeling.
When she remained silent, David bowed and moved to the door.
“Wait,” she called. Jolie didn’t know why she felt the need to ask, but it came out before she could stop it. “Are you American?”
“I am, ma’am.”
Jolie thanked him and waited till he left.
It meant something, didn’t it? Even though Adrik found out she had been working with the FBI, he hadn’t shut her out, not yet. He was wrapped in grief and couldn’t take the time to deal with her, but somewhere in the back of his head, he cared.
Nausea popped up in her. How could she betray a man like him? He was more affectionate and loving than she could possibly imagine. He deserved someone to take care of him. Why hadn’t that been her? Why hadn’t she revealed what Mally wanted from day one ?
Jolie hated herself. She didn’t deserve any of his kindness. She kicked a box, wanting to drive a stake through her own heart.
Time was a terrible thing. To pass it, Jolie showered and dressed in her beloved panda pajamas, emptied all her boxes, and put away her things as the silence dragged on. She was disappointed to know that, out of everything that was lost, the hot-pink dildo Adrik had bought her had made it through the move. She sat with it in her hands, lost in memory. It was so long ago and yet still fresh in her mind, because, despite the craziness of it, she had been the happiest during that time. Meeting Adrik had sparked a fire that she didn’t want to quell. Even acknowledging how dangerous his life was, she found herself enraptured by it.
Six weeks living with Vincent had made her realize the kind of love she was striving for. Vincent asked her, and Jolie had thought it a few times, but what made Adrik and Vincent different? Was she going after the same kind of man she had in her teenage years? But now that answer was so clear. Being with Vincent was like being on a carnival ride, one with no seatbelts. The kind that broke down too often, and it wasn't reliable. But being with Adrik was like being at a theme park with a giant roller coaster that felt secure and safe. There was still risk of being hurt, but it was rare and it made her throw all caution to the wind. Yes, they were similar. But Adrik was in a league of his own.
But what if he doesn't want me anymore?
The need for an answer was strangling, but she owed him time. She’ll be miserable, but she’ll wait for him to come out of his grief.
At dinner, David returned with a tray containing a steak, a potato, and broccoli—and a chocolate cake for dessert. She stared at the tray like it was made of mush. David bowed. “A funeral service will be conducted in two days’ time. Do you have proper attire, or would you like us to find something appropriate for you?”
A funeral. Tears reignited, and she took a deep breath to stop it. “I’ll go shopping.”
“Mr. Morozov feels it is too dangerous to leave.”
Jolie nodded. Katia and Gil were still out there. There was no telling what they would do. “Whatever you find.”
He nodded, and then added, “Mrs. Morozov would like your company in her room in an hour. I will return to guide you.”
Tatianna wanted to talk to her. Oh, God, what could she have to say? Did she know that Jolie had been helping the FBI? Would she hate her? Jolie couldn’t eat and paced the floor instead, twisting her hands in front of her.
The hour passed too slowly, but then David was there to take her. She hadn’t even thought to change.
Going through the house, David explained the setup. He pointed down different hallways, but Jolie was barely paying attention. They climbed the stairs, and David showed her that the first door they passed was Adrik’s room. She stopped in front of it, hoping he could feel her out here, waiting for him. She wanted to help him, grieve with him, and hold him, but she didn’t have a right.
Jolie rubbed the water from her face and moved on. At the end of the hallway was Tatianna’s room, and David knocked once before opening it and gesturing her in.
Tatianna’s bedroom was a mini apartment with a living room, a bar area, and separate double doors leading to a bedroom. She stood in the center, noticing all the pictures on the walls. Jolie unconsciously stepped forward.
Images of Adrik, Alexei, and Gil: a trio constantly in every picture from childhood to their teenage years. It was heartbreaking to see. Gil and Alexei had similar grins, but Gil was typically making an obscene gesture that Alexei didn’t know about. Adrik was a constant, brooding face that got hilarious the more she went down the line of photos. Even as a young boy, he was always so serious.
It was easy to see how Gil was different from them. Aside from the brown eyes instead of the blue, he wasn’t nearly as good-looking. She hated the sight of him. How was Tatianna handling the fact that her adopted son killed the other?
The bedroom door opened, and Jolie snapped away, her head down.
“Sit.” Tatianna’s order was in a tone Jolie hadn’t been prepared for.
Jolie took to the couch and buried her hands under her thighs. At first, she was afraid to look at the woman, but the silence stretched, and Jolie slowly raised her eyes.
Tatianna sat in a chair, clenching tissues and crossing her legs. No amount of makeup could erase her misery, and the sight of such a beautiful woman so devastated restarted Jolie’s own tears.
“You came into my house, you ate my food, you took my money, and you took my love with such a cold, dead heart.”
Jolie squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head as her lips twisted. Tatianna’s disapproval was more painful than her own mother’s.
“You dumb, ignorant girl.”
Jolie clenched her hand over her mouth when a sob almost broke through.
“What did you tell Mally?”
“Nothing,” she said, nearly shouting.
“You think I can’t find out?”
Jolie kept her head down in shame. “Nothing, I swear it. In the beginning, Mally gave me a pen, and I recorded conversations, but she kept getting mad at me because none of it was useful. Then Katia found out, and she was gonna help me take on Yakov, but she was insincere. She had no intention of helping me. She just wanted me to keep her secret about Gil. And I—”
“You knew Gil and Katia were seeing each other?”
Jolie snapped her head up, eyes wide and terror-filled. “I-I-I’m sorry. She threatened to kill me. I didn’t want to keep it a secret.” Tears came unbidden then. An avalanche of emotions bombarded her as she truly faced all the terrible things she’d done. It wasn’t like her. This whole thing wasn’t who she was, but the darkness had crept in when she wasn’t paying attention. “I’m so sorry. I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I’ll do whatever you want. Please, please, I’m so sorry.”
Unmoved, Tatianna questioned, “What other secrets are you keeping? ”
“That’s it, I swear it.”
“Were you dating Alexei”—she paused, watching Jolie’s face—“or Adrik?”
Jolie swallowed, and answered, “Adrik.”
Tatianna nodded. “Some truth, finally.” She dabbed her eyes, sniffing. Tatianna stared at a distant photo, reliving the moment she took it. There was always death in the Mafia, but Yakov had always protected their children, even when he failed to protect them from himself. She yearned for him now. He’d know how to fix this. How to heal her broken heart. It was ironic that he was good at healing, considering he was usually the one to break it. “I never understood why my husband hated you so much. I protected you from him when the whole time his instincts were right. I betrayed him for you and now look at my family. Adrik’s lost his father, two brothers, and his daughter. A girl he trusted betrayed him. There isn’t much more he can lose, and do you know what a man becomes when he has nothing to lose?” Tatianna waited for her to answer. “He becomes a monster.”
Jolie stared out ahead of her. This was a warning. She didn't know Adrik as well as his mother. She had only seen glimpses of his temper. But Adrik had assured Jolie that he would never treat her the way he treated Katia. She'd acknowledge that he'll be upset with her, but she wasn't going to fear Adrik. If she wanted to be at his side, then she needed to brave the storm.
"Do you have anything to say for yourself?"
Jolie shook her head. "I'm sorry. That's all I can say. My intentions were never to hurt anyone. I hate what I've done. It's not who I am. I'm terrible, I know."
Tatianna stared at the young girl for too long. She saw every daughter in her. Every time they broke down, begging her for help. Tatianna always thought she was a good mother. But she wasn't sure they would all think the same. "I believe in forgiveness. I believe in second chances. And despite how you may see yourself, you have earned it.” Jolie popped her head up. A soft trembling smile was on Tatianna’s lips. “I know what you did for my granddaughter. Once more, you put her before all else, and it tells me that your intentions are still well-placed.”
Jolie dropped her face to her knees. The forgiveness she wanted was given too quickly. Jolie needed to suffer. She needed to be punished. Her silent despair wasn’t enough. She wanted Tatianna to lash out at her, to hurt her, or to hit her. The couch beside her sunk, and soon, two thin arms wrapped her up, and the waterfall of tears only increased. It was something she’d been wanting, the warm arms of a mother to take her in and comfort her. She leaned into it, basking in it.
Tatianna’s fingers ran through her hair, and she waited till the worst of it was over. “You remind me of myself when I was your age. So blind to what I was stepping into. Constantly between wanting to stay and trying to leave. We all make mistakes in the beginning, not knowing who to trust. But if you truly want to be with him, then the only person you need on your side is Adrik. At all times, he is your North Star.”
Jolie nodded, too exhausted to speak. Tears dripped as she stared at nothing, lost in unconscious thought. She felt like a deflated balloon, something that should be tossed in the trash.
“Adrik will not forgive easily. But if you love him like I think you do, fight for him.”