36AshValkyrie Team Meeting
Ash
Valkyrie Team Meeting
Ash shut the door gently behind him.
“Really? We’re in the middle of a party. This can’t wait?”
“No, damn it,” said Rowan. “It can’t. I have been holding my tongue, hoping that you will pull your head out of your ass, but no. What the fuck, Ash! What haven’t you been telling us?”
“I was going to tell you about Emma,” protested Ash. “I told you on text.”
Rowan made a flailing gesture that surprised Ash. Usually, his older brother was more articulate.
“That is not what he’s talking about,” said Forest. “Well, it’s a little of what he’s talking about, but that’s not all of it.”
“Well, then, what?”
Forest gave a deeply paternal sigh. “I cannot.”
“I am doing my best over here. Sorry if it’s not good enough for you!” snapped Ash.
“Best what?” asked Rowan.
“What?” Ash didn’t understand the question, let alone have an answer.
“Best at karate? When did you start that?”
“Like five years ago?” offered Ash, embarrassed.
“OK, great. Good start,” said Forest. “When did you start dating Harper?”
“September. What has this got to do with anything?”
“You don’t talk to us,” said Rowan. “The entire point of Forest and I coming home and starting our businesses here is that you and Mom are here.”
“We’re supposed to be a family,” said Forest. “You keep complaining that we’re not doing family stuff, but you keep us at arms-length.”
“I just...” Ash hesitated. “I don’t always... I get embarrassed. I don’t want to explain all my weird stuff to you.”
“What weird stuff?”
“Well, Emma. I was embarrassed about Emma stealing from me.”
“OK, well, I understand feeling like that, but shit happens,” said Forest with a shrug. “It’s not your fault. But why don’t we know what’s going on with your life? What’s wrong with us knowing about you? What are we doing wrong?”
“I...” Ash stumbled, looking for words, but Forest and Rowan continued to look equally perplexed. “It’s me! I’m the one that’s wrong!”
“Ash,” said Rowan, looking him up and down as if looking for the flaw, “what the fuck are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about me. I know that you and Forest like to keep things normal, and I have made an art form out of blending in, but I can’t. OK? I just can’t.”
“I’m sorry, but what the fuck now?” demanded Forest. “Blending in? Asher Valkyrie, what crack have you been smoking?”
“I’m still stuck on how we like things normal,” said Rowan.
“Has he even met us?” asked Forest in disbelief.
“You do!” protested Ash. “Rowan is all Marines and rules.”
“That I consistently break. I was E4 Mafia from the day I enlisted. The only reason I knew every rule was so I could break them just the right amount.”
“You’re always yelling at your guys to toe the line,” said Ash.
“Yes! My lines! Mine! And mostly, it’s because I know what those shitheads will get up to if I don’t. Do you know how Vivian and I met? It’s because those assholes were pulling up onto the plaza at work and loading and unloading through the lobby.”
“They were not,” gasped Forest, laughing.
“Oh, yes, they were. Which Vivian informed me of after she ambushed me in the elevator.”
“Well, but Forest is always hanging out with politicians and wearing suits,” said Ash, deciding he probably couldn’t argue effectively about the shitheads.
“I meet with politicians,” said Forest firmly.
“And the suits come off once I get home. I mean, you want to talk about needing protective camouflage…” He shoved up his sleeve and pointed at his tattoos.
“You think these things are welcome in the Middle East? Uh-no. I’ve been camouflaging for so long that I almost forgot what I look like. ”
Ash blinked. The idea that his brothers were masking as much as he was seemed inconceivable.
“Well, but…” said Ash.
“I honestly don’t know where this is coming from,” complained Forest. “When has our family ever been normal? Rowan, you never thought we were normal, did you?”
“No,” said Rowan. “You’re the one who is going to plan for months and then get mad and jump off a cliff in a no-plan-blaze-of-glory.”
“That was only one time,” protested Forest. “And I barely broke anything.”
“And I always thought it was good Ash didn’t join the service because he would have been recruited by the CIA. He’s a disruptive influence.”
“Why does everyone keep saying that? I try very hard not to be,” protested Ash.
Forest let out a sharp bark of laughter.
“Ash,” said Rowan, shaking his head. “When are you not rocking the boat? Your entire business is finding and setting up disruptive technologies for success. You do the same thing that Forest does. You wear the suit, and you blend in, and you pretend that you belong. But you are a Valkyrie, and trust me, you are not that boring.”
“You wear a suit too,” said Forest drily.
“That’s because I look good in it,” said Rowan. “Meanwhile, Ash, have you been… Did you think we needed you to be normal?”
“Don’t you?” demanded Ash. “You’re always complaining about the stuff Mom does. I do all the same stuff. I can’t sit still, I can’t remember names, show up on time, or do anything without a calendar reminder.”
“Yes, that drives me nuts about both of you,” agreed Rowan without looking guilty or concerned.
“I try, but I’m ADHD,” said Ash weakly.
“Yeah, which means she probably is, too,” said Rowan. Forest made a thoughtful noise but didn’t interrupt further. “But you do know that’s not why I have problems with Mom, right?”
“It’s really more the alcoholism and being fucking emotionally and physically absent for most of our childhood,” said Forest.
“She is sober!” yelled Ash.
“Now,” said Rowan calmly.
“You’re never going to forgive her,” said Ash, shaking his head. “And I am just like her.”
Ash walked to the edge of the balcony and looked out at the Seattle skyline.
He could see the Smith Tower, the pyramid lit up for the holidays.
He realized now that with Mason and Steph in jail, their penthouse would probably go up for sale.
Then he realized that he’d just ADHD glitched in the middle of a fight with his brothers.
Behind him, he could practically feel Rowan and Forest exchanging looks.
“She was there for me,” said Ash, trying to get back on topic. “You guys left, and Mom was there for me.”
“And I have never really stopped being mad about that,” said Forest. “I see you two together, and I get so fucking pissed. I wanted a mom like that, and I’ll never have it.”
“You could,” snapped Ash. “But you would have to stop being an asshole.”
“No, actually, he can’t,” said Rowan, and Ash turned to glare at him in mute pain and anger.
“Maybe we could have a better relationship with her now—as adults—but Ash, we can’t ever get those years back.
Vivian lost her dad when she was eighteen.
She says one of the things that surprises her the most about grief is how angry she gets about the relationship she can no longer have.
Maybe this won’t make any sense to you, but Forest and I not only have trauma from abuse and neglect, but we are grieving the years with her that we can’t get back. ”
“She has the same grief,” said Ash.
“And that makes me want to be less of an asshole,” said Forest, flopping down onto one of Ash’s patio chairs.
“But it doesn’t fix it. However, back to the main point, Ash, if you think, for one second, that we need you to be normal…
Think again. In case you haven’t met my girlfriend, I should point out that I love weird. ”
Rowan chuckled. “Now, there is a disruptive influence—I love Chloe. Mom said she was absolutely wonderful and so great with Olly. It sounded like their lunch went great.”
“It really did,” said Ash.
“Ash,” said Rowan, “the only thing we need you to be is yourself.”
Ash tried to come up with something meaningful to say and instead blurted out the first thing that came to mind.
“Harper said the same thing.”
“And this is why we like Harper,” said Forest. “Also, because she likes boring machines.”
“And punches people,” said Rowan, laughing.
“And apparently makes furniture? That coffee table is amazing,” added Forest. Ash wanted to agree with Forest, but he wasn’t sure if he was still angry.
The door to the condo opened, and Rose stepped out, shutting it gently behind her. Ash thought she looked scared.
“Ash, I’m sorry I said that about karate,” she said. “I knew you didn’t want to tell them, and I shouldn’t have taken that choice from you.”
“It’s OK, Mom,” said Ash.
“No, it isn’t,” said Rose. “I…” She hesitated and then plunged ahead. “I wasn’t a good Mom, and all of you learned to keep secrets because you had to protect yourselves.”
“Mom,” protested Ash.
“No,” said Rose firmly. “If I can’t be vulnerable about big stuff, how are you supposed to manage even little stuff?”
“I’m trying, Mom,” said Ash.
“Mom,” said Forest, and Ash braced for something dismissive. “Olly had a really good time at lunch with you and Chloe. He wants to visit again.”
Rose’s face lit up, and Ash wanted to hug Forest.
“He’s so wonderful! You are such a great father! And I just love Chloe.”
“Doesn’t she make you feel like everything is going to be all right?” asked Forest.
“Yes! She reminds me of Mr. Rogers,” said Rose.
“That’s what I said!” exclaimed Ash.
Rowan chuckled. “Except when she wants the slow-mo version of Ash kicking ass.”
“That was odd,” said Rose.
“She does kung-fu,” said Forest. “That surprised me too. I thought it was yoga.”
“Baby,” said Rose doubtfully, “those are very different.”
“Well, I may have been distracted by the yoga pants,” said Forest, and Ash couldn’t stop a squeak of laughter from escaping. Beside him, he felt Rowan also struggling not to outright laugh in Forest’s face.
“OK,” said Rose, looking at the three of them. “You’re all... Everything’s OK?”
“Yeah, Mom,” said Rowan. “We’re fine. We just needed to remind Ash that he’s not the only weird one in the family.”