Chapter Seventeen
I had a word with myself. And Holly had a word with me too.
‘You can’t keep thinking the worst is going to happen, every time you start to care about someone,’ she said, pouring me out a glass of wine.
‘I don’t care about him; it’s not like that,’ I said, childishly.
‘Of course you do, and it’s good to care. You’re allowed to have feelings Abi! You’re thirty, not ninety. Josh wouldn’t want you living a life without love like this. In fact, he’d hate it.’
It hurt to hear his name. It had been nearly three thousand days. Waking up each morning and knowing I’d never see him again. But time was a funny thing. In some ways it felt like he’d been gone forever and in others like it had only just happened. The feelings could still be so raw.
‘I know,’ I said sadly. ‘I just feel guilty… and angry. We were supposed to love each other forever, you know?’
‘He did love you forever, Abs. For his forever. You said till death us do part. And it’s really shitty, and no one wanted it, but death has parted you.’ Holly hugged me tight. ‘That doesn’t mean you have to be alone for the rest of your forever though – that’s not how it works.’
‘Isn’t it?’
‘Of course not!’ Holly sat back with tears in her eyes. ‘Look at what happened to me. George left me at the altar – George! The man I thought loved me more than anyone else in the world. I could have given up on my happily ever after – or convinced myself that all men are the same – but then I’d never have given it a go with Xavier.’
‘That’s true,’ I said, thoughtfully. ‘You did so well to pull it back from that disastrous situation.’ No one was happier than me that Holly had a lovely guy like Xavier to keep her warm at night.
‘Exactly. And I want the same for you. I understand the hurt, Abs. A different kind of hurt of course, but the person we both thought would be our forever one, turned out not to be. It’s awful, but I don’t want you to miss out on the rest of your life because of something you can’t change. Don’t let one bad chapter ruin the whole book.’ Is that what I was doing? ‘You need to tell Tony about Josh and help him understand why you reacted like that. He’s a good guy – he’ll understand.’
‘I couldn’t… it’s too personal. How would I even start? Josh wouldn’t want me to.’
‘Abi. He would.’ Holly was firm. ‘Josh loved you so much. He wouldn’t want you hurting like this on his behalf, frightened to be with anyone else. It might be nothing with Tony, but if it could be something you should at least try and explain yourself.’
I’d been avoiding Tony ever since my outburst, hiding away in San Gimignano and pouring all my energy into upset shopping. Holly was right, of course. She was always right. I needed to speak to him and apologise – he deserved an explanation. It was mosquito o’clock, so a good time to try and find him. I could say sorry over a sundowner. Assuming he’d let me of course. I had a shower and slipped on my black and white dress, making sure my flicky eyeliner and red lipstick were on point – if he was going to reject me, I should at least look my best. I swung my handbag over my shoulder and crossed the hallway to his bedroom, knocking cautiously, my stomach full of butterflies. How was I going to explain it all? Where did I even start? No answer. I tried again. This time much louder.
Mia spotted me from downstairs. ‘Tony isn’t in there,’ she called up. ‘He’s gone to Giorgia’s house to start clearing it out.’
‘Oh,’ I said, pressing my lips together and blotting my lipstick.
‘You can go and see him there, though?’ she said. ‘It’s straight through the vineyard, down the path, like I showed you.’
At least we wouldn’t be interrupted. And maybe he’d find it harder to slam his mother’s door in my face. The idea of going to someone’s house empty-handed – even under these circumstances – didn’t feel right, so I nipped back to my room and grabbed my painting to take as an olive branch. I set off through the vines, towards the little white building at the bottom of the field, the sun slumping over the horizon, as the breeze tickled through my hair. I was dreading seeing Tony after giving him the cold shoulder all week, but it had to be done. The door was already open as I reached the house and Tony was sat on the floor, surrounded by boxes. He looked up in surprise as I peered in.
‘Hi,’ I said, sheepishly, holding up my painting. ‘Peace offering?’
‘Hey,’ he said, his eyes full of tears, a letter in his hand. I’d obviously caught him at a bad moment, not that any time would be good while he was sorting through his mum’s things. His face lit up when he saw the painting. ‘Wow, look at this!’
‘I’ve painted you as a deity. Giving Michelangelo a run for his money.’
‘It’s awesome. I love it,’ he said, jumping up to look at it properly. ‘You’ve added a layer of gloss in. It’s a huge improvement on the real thing – I’m not sure my arms are that muscly or my smile is that bright.’
‘I thought a present might distract you from my bad behaviour. I’m so sorry about the other day. I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that,’ I said, dying inside.
‘Forget about it,’ he said good-naturedly. ‘Sorry we gave you such a fright.’
‘Mia told me you were down here. I wanted to explain why I was so…’
‘No explanation necessary – honestly – life is too short.’
‘Well, that’s exactly it. Life is too short and don’t I know it. Which is why I want to tell you something. I don’t talk about it very often, so let me say it quick before I change my mind.’ He clocked my serious tone and put the letter and the painting down to give me his full attention. I took a deep breath to swallow the pain. ‘So. The truth is… I’m a widow.’ I hadn’t said it out loud for a while and this time it felt different. It was still devastating, and forever would be, but it was also a part of my identity. I was a widow; I was also a woman and a daughter and a best friend and a make-up artist. Being a widow was only one of the squares in my life mosaic.
Tony nodded gently as if that made total sense. He didn’t rush to fill the silence or gushingly say he was sorry, like people usually did. He gave me the space to think through my words and speak.
‘My husband’s name was Josh and we met at university,’ I said, as Tony perched against the table and listened. ‘It was one of those whirlwind love-at-first-sight things and we were besotted with each other. So besotted, that we got married after six months – despite all the warnings, as you can imagine, from our parents, grandparents and pretty much everyone else. They all told us not to, but we didn’t care – we knew what we wanted, and we went for it.’ I stopped and took another breath. Thankful for a moment that we had gone for it. That we’d done exactly what we’d wanted to do, instead of listening to other people. I’d have missed out on the life memories I cherish the most if we hadn’t. ‘We had four happy years together, before he died.’
‘In a Vespa accident?’
I nodded. ‘Of sorts. On his motorbike.’ I hesitated before continuing. ‘It was the week before Christmas, and he was on his way home from work. A drink-driver lost control of his car, and…’ I was gabbling to get all the information out as Tony nodded in encouragement. ‘Josh was in a coma for six weeks before he… There were witnesses but they didn’t ever catch the guy.’
Tony stood up and opened his arms in the same way he’d done a few days earlier, after I’d balled him out, but this time I gratefully accepted and melted into his body. He was so comforting and warm. It was always hard to talk about Josh, but I felt better for explaining myself.
‘I get it. It’s OK,’ he whispered in my ear. ‘I’d have a No Vespas rule too if that had happened to me.’ I had a sense of release and peace at sharing my story. Holly was right. Josh wouldn’t want me living a lonely, miserable life – but I’d been on my own for such a long time now, it was hard to imagine being anything else. My hedgehog spikes were always in position, ready to strike. We eventually let go of each other and I looked around Giorgia’s house for the first time. It was open plan, with views of the vineyard from every window. A kitchen-diner and lounge, leading through to a double bedroom with patio doors to the garden, and a small en suite. A cosy, villa for one, with a wooden cross nailed above the fireplace. Whitewashed walls crammed full of family portraits; the furniture hand crafted from olive wood.
I tried to imagine what life had been like for Giorgia. How many lovingly cooked meals had been shared around that dining table, now thick with dust. Starting out on her own and then coupling up with Franco before the children arrived. Growing their business and moving into the farmhouse, with two young boys and acres of vineyard to contend with – a busy world to juggle. And then as the years went on, shrinking everything back down again; first Tony left, then Franco and then finally into a one-bed house for her last few years. A cupboard full of clothes and a selection of trinkets were all that was left.
‘Sorry for interrupting,’ I said, nodding at the letter Tony had left on the floor.
‘It’s to me and Paolo, from Mom. Still making us share everything, even now.’
‘She wanted you to find it once she’d gone?’
He nodded sadly, sitting back down on the floor. ‘Parting advice to each of us. Paolo’s is all about fruition – keeping the vineyard going and having lots of children – and mine is all about balance.’
‘Balance in what?’
‘Everything. Making sure I find time in my busy schedule for love and not working myself to death.’
‘Ahh. The old work-life balance enigma,’ I said, joining him on the floor. ‘Something I’ve never managed either. I’m in the working-myself-to-death club too.’
‘Mom was always worried I’d end up lonely. That I already was lonely. She said my priorities were all wrong and the harder I worked and more successful I became, the more exasperated she got with me.’
‘Probably because she loved you so much, she wanted you to have that same family-feeling she’d had, with a family of your own.’
‘I’m still disappointing her now, and she’s not even here.’
‘Mia told me how much she loved you and Paolo – I’m sure she wasn’t disappointed in you at all. You work in the movies, don’t you? Following in the footsteps of her idol, Sophia Loren, and out in LA, no less – that’s very cool!’ I said, trying to make him feel better. An industry full of Tonys working day and night, for peanuts, to get a leg-up on the ladder.
‘It’s a sad reminder of how fragile life is, though – going through all her things like this.’ He looked around at the half-empty boxes, and the framed photos on the wall. ‘She had so few precious things.’
‘Josh had almost nothing when I cleared his stuff out. Some clothes and photos. His most treasured possession was his wedding ring,’ I said, holding out my necklace. ‘Now reincarnated.’
‘Is that it?’ Tony asked.
‘Yep, melded together with both of mine,’ I said, tapping it three times. ‘Our three rings with a diamond in the middle.’
‘Beautiful,’ he said.
‘Is there anything I can do to help?’ I asked, looking around.
‘Not really.’ He flicked through a stack of old records. ‘I need to go through everything and decide what should stay and what should go.’
‘Paolo must be upset he can’t be here,’ I said, thinking of his enormous plaster cast.
‘I’m happy to do it on my own. He’s done plenty, keeping this place going for so long. I’ve offered to take his place at the party next weekend as well. Mia can’t run the wine stall on her own, so I’m lending her my beef,’ he said, flexing his muscles.
‘I’m helping too. I’m doing the face-painting for the kids.’
‘Well, I was a kid once, so count me in,’ Tony said, picking up his painting again. You certainly know how to paint a face, so I’ll happily trust you with the real thing.’
‘Careful what you wish for.’ I smiled. ‘My range is wide and can be quite dramatic. A severed neck, Gollum, one of the Muppets.’
Tony laughed. ‘I’m not sure it’s that kind of party, but I like to play a character. Can you do me as one of the Orcs from Lord of the Rings?’
‘Of course,’ I replied, looking at his square jaw and knowing exactly how I’d do it.
His eyes went back to the painting. ‘This must have taken you hours to finish. It is way beyond what we did in that first lesson,’ he said.
‘Hmm… I spent some time on it while you were in Florence,’ I admitted. ‘It was a good distraction from all the worry.’
‘I didn’t know you cared,’ Tony teased. ‘You must have been missing me.’
‘Not really,’ I mumbled, flushing bright red. As if.
‘I missed you too, Abi. Until I got back, and you gave me a massive bollocking.’
‘Yeah, sorry about that.’
‘We could give this thing a shot you know,’ he said, suddenly serious. ‘As a social experiment?’
It was like he’d read my mind from a few days ago, before all the dramatics had happened. But that bollocking had come from somewhere deep inside and proved how terrified I really was of losing someone again. It was too much of a risk.
He leant in and kissed me slowly on the cheek. ‘What do you say to us going on a proper date? There’s a hotshot restaurant in town I’ve been wanting to try, that gets rave reviews. We can compare notes versus Lavedrine X?’
The palpitations started almost immediately. Drumming away in my chest. Was it fear or excitement? Either way, I felt panicked and anxious and nauseous all at once. He looked at me with his big, blue eyes and I so wanted to say yes, but the words just wouldn’t come.
‘You’re a lovely, lovely guy,’ I said, standing up. ‘And honestly, I really do like you a lot. In fact, there’s no good reason at all for me to say no.’
‘That sounds like a yes, but I suspect somehow it’s a no,’ he said.
I nodded, avoiding his eyes. ‘It is. I’m so sorry.’ I couldn’t do it. Tony would be back in LA in a few weeks, maybe even a few days, and I’d be back in London. I couldn’t bear the thought of us getting any closer and then losing him. Another man disappearing on me, never to be seen again. I couldn’t even imagine putting his name in my phone. My contact list was full of Tinder Stu and Hinge Jack and Do Not Answer. My blocked list on WhatsApp a little prison for all the men I’d been on dates with and didn’t want to hear from again. The idea of messaging Tony and then never hearing back was too humiliating to bear.
No. Better not to start anything. I was already outside my comfort zone for the first time in a long time. The only way to calm the situation down was to step away. Tony had the ability to send me into a total flap and I couldn’t imagine this flappy feeling ever, ever going away.