Estranged Heart

Five

Silas

“No.” Two men drag me by the arms and no matter how hard I fight, their grip never lessens. I don’t know where I am but it’s mostly dark with small lights randomly blinking from the ceiling. The room smells strongly of copper and mildew. One minute I was watching a movie with Stacey and the next I’m waking up here. What’s happening? If it’s not real, then why does it feel like it is? I ache everywhere and blood stains the front of my white shirt—one I’ve never seen before in my life. The fabric sticks to my sweaty body as I’m sliding across the concrete floor.

“Please,” I beg. “What are you going to do to me?”

Smiling down at me, the bald man with tattoos on his face kicks me in the shoulder. “You move too much, cabron.”

“Don’t worry,” his friend says, wearing a malicious grin. “I’ll take care of that.” He releases my arm and when he lifts his foot, he sends a sharp blow to my side. I groan, wiggling on the ground, using one hand to try and free myself from the guy still holding me.

They both laugh and tie my wrists above my head. One guy steps on my hands to hold me in place and the other walks around me, dropping to the ground. His eyes glow like a predatory wolf as he undoes my pants.

Fear crawls up the back of my neck as he tugs off the bottom half of my clothes. Tattoo face laughs louder and they both flip me over.

“Oh, I know a good way to calm you down. He only said not to damage your organs. He didn’t say anything about the rest of you.”

He straddles the back of my legs and I hear him yank down a zipper. My skin crawls and I fight harder. “Don’t.”

“You asked for this. Should have come with us willingly.” He spreads my ass cheeks apart and spit drops between them. Tears fill my eyes and I go tense underneath him, not ready for what’s to come.

“You don’t have to do this.”

“Do what?” a softer voice says. Stacey. What is she doing here? Do they have her too?

“Stacey?” I call out. The room slowly changes and a light flickers on beside me.

“It’s okay, baby. It’s only another nightmare.”

I open my eyes, looking around me, my face feeling wet with tears or sweat, I’m not sure. It’s been like this for the past month, off and on. I think I’ve moved past the nightmares and then I’m wrong. What’s wrong with me? Where are they coming from? They feel more like memories than dreams. Like real moments, so detailed and always playing out the same way.

“Silas? Talk to me.” Stacey runs her fingers through my hair and something about her touch sets me more on edge rather than calming me. That’s different. Come to think of it, there’s been this drift between us ever since I came home from the hospital. The connection we had before is nonexistent and I can’t find my way back. Not in our home or her arms. It has to be some side effect that will subside with time. I grab my chest and look up at her worried eyes.

“It was another bad dream.”

Her brow furrows and she leans down to kiss me on the forehead, the sensation weird against my skin—foreign, like a stranger’s touch. Yet this is the woman I’ve known and loved most of my life.

“Just like the last few?”

“Yeah.” I lift my head to rest it in her lap. How can being closer to her feel as if I’m further away?

“Are you watching too many scary movies while I’m away at work? Because I doubt my choice of The Proposal tonight is the cause of this.”

I laugh, the tension between us lessening a little. Lying with her still doesn’t feel as natural as it used to. Did what’s left of my heart forget it’s supposed to want her? It’s silly. We’re both the same people. Having most of someone else’s heart shouldn’t make a difference. I latch my fingers onto hers, closing my eyes, yearning for the same attachment I had before the surgery. How I got to the hospital is still a blur. I remember Stacey and the ambulance but not much else.

“It’s hard now but it’ll only get better from here. I promise. Life has given us a second chance. We can have everything we ever wanted now. You’ll see.”

I thought that too, once. All I needed was a new heart and life would be perfect. Things that were impossible before no longer would be. I’d have a full life. Except, all I feel now is emptiness. A different kind from before. I finally have everything and yet something’s missing. But what?

Stacey lowers herself in bed until we’re nose to nose. Stroking the side of my face with her soft fingers, she scoots closer, her smile a little sad. I hate being the reason for it so I lean in and capture her lips with mine. Our tongues tangle together and I think about how much I used to love being here, kissing her harder, desperately seeking out the passion we once shared. Our hands are everywhere and she undoes my pants before tugging off her shirt. Her chest rises and falls heavily. She’s beautiful, the white lace of her bra complementing her fair complexion, and her large gray eyes holding onto mine.

I love her. I do. It hasn’t lessened but it has changed. Focusing on her hopeful smile, I kiss her again and we roll around on the bed, her want for me appearing more dire. With flushed cheeks and a heated gaze, she removes the rest of my clothes, and when her mostly naked body rubs over mine I go rigid, my chest heavy from guilt. Nothing about this is wrong, yet a part of me is screaming otherwise. The voice inside is so loud it takes over and flashes of a man’s face enter my mind, his lips sealing over mine, and I lean into him, trying to reach for him when he pulls away. When I open my eyes, my hand is catching air instead and Stacey is back in his place.

Stacey stops writhing against me, her face wrinkling in confusion. “What’s wrong? Am I hurting you?”

I swallow the lump in my throat. Not only didn’t I recognize the man I was thinking about while being intimate with my wife, but I also don’t understand why I want to see his face again. I can’t answer her question because I’m too busy trying to work through all the thoughts in my head. It had to be a memory from a nightmare. A bystander perhaps? Someone who tried to help me? Except no one ever does. What other explanation is there?

I can’t remember someone I’ve never met before and I’ve definitely never seen him in person. I’d know if I had. You don’t forget a pair of eyes like his. Dark and piercing.

“Silas?” Stacey rolls off me and sits up in bed. “Where did you go? You’re not having another seizure, are you?”

“I . . . I’m sorry. I can’t explain why something feels wrong but it does. I think it’s too soon.”

“Don’t be sorry. You underwent a major surgery and you’re still recovering. Take all the time you need. I’ll be right here waiting.” Her bottom lip trembles, her smile unconvincing.

“Yeah.” I sit up, bringing the blanket with me, and rest my back on the headboard. We stare at each other in silence for a little while before getting ready for bed. Stacey brushes her teeth and washes her face while I jump in the shower. She doesn’t join me and I’m more relieved than I should be. By the time I’m done drying off and putting on a pair of pajamas my mom bought me while I was in the hospital, Stacey is in bed, turned away from me with the covers to her shoulders. I climb in beside her, waiting for the urge to take her in my arms to come but it never does.

More time is all I need. When my heart finally feels like it belongs inside me, I’ll feel like I belong here with her again.