Estranged Heart

Twenty

Silas

I’m in the middle of yard work, sweating and panting when my phone goes off in my pocket.

Elijah : Need any book recommendations today, or to go for a swim at the lake? Or maybe you need to paint a room in your house purple and don’t want to do it alone?

Letting out a soft chuckle, I swipe the sweat from my brow.

Me : I’m pulling weeds and mowing the grass.

Elijah : I’ve been told I’m good at pulling things before. Maybe I can help?

My thumb hovers over the keys, trembling.

Me : Okay. The front of the house is open. You can let yourself inside.

What am I doing bringing him here again? The first time was risky enough. We didn’t do anything but paint a room, but it felt like we did so much more, our small exchanges more intimate than anything I’ve had with my wife in a long time. What if he kisses me out in the open and I can’t pull away when I need to? I don’t think I could get away with telling the nosy-ass neighbor next door he’s a friend from work then.

I take off my gloves and walk inside, pulling off my dirty, damp shirt. The sun has really greeted me with its presence today, feeling wonderful and like a heat stroke waiting to happen at the same time. My gaze stays on the front door as I chug a bottle of water. How fast do I think he’ll get here?

My heart pounds in my chest the more I think about seeing him again. We have to behave ourselves. I need to resist my urges to feel him today. Fuck, will it be hard. It’s all I can think about. All the dreams from before have, for some reason, been put on hold, replaced with memories we’ve created ourselves. Those were my hands in my sleep last night. My moans and heavy breaths. The name he used was mine too.

Come for me, Sunshine.

It’s been two days since we’ve seen each other, and as much as I hated staying away, I needed to figure out what I was going to do about my marriage. Talking to Stacey this morning was a dead end. She rushed off, calling me crazy when I asked her if she still loved me.

“I’m not in the mood to fight this morning, Silas,” she said. “I’ll be home for dinner.”

Then she was gone. The kisses goodbye have stopped since the night I snuck away to see Elijah at the lake. Almost like she knows. But how can she when she was doing a night shift at the hospital? We were alone in that parking lot and I didn’t hear from her until morning when she was on her way home, picking up donuts for breakfast. While we sat at the kitchen table eating, with barely two sentences between us, I kept shifting in my chair, thinking about Elijah’s fingers. There was a slight ache left behind, reminding me of what we did. I tried to stay with her in the kitchen but my mind pulled me back into his car.

Even with her sitting across the table, it felt like she was somewhere else. She wouldn’t look at me the whole time. Maybe if she had, I’d have stopped seeing his eyes instead. They burned into my brain while I was coming on top of him.

My phone buzzes again, my gaze going from the door to the small lit-up screen.

Stacey : It’s going to be a late dinner.

Me: Maybe you should stop telling me when you’ll be home if you don’t know for sure.

Stacey : Didn’t I tell you I don’t want to fight? I meant it. I’m having a stressful week as it is.

Me : I’m sorry, but last time I checked we’re supposed to be married and it hasn’t felt that way in a long time.

Stacey : It only feels like that now. Once I’m home more, and you’re feeling like yourself again, it’ll be better.

Me : When will that be? I’m not sure you want to be here anymore, and what if this is me now? What if I’ll never be that man you fell in love with again?

What if she’ll never again be the person I always want to run to?

Stacey : Sounds like you need more rest, you’re being irrational again. I can’t do this right now. Work is really crazy. We’ll talk later.

Sighing, I slam the phone down on the counter behind me, flinching when the front door hisses open. Elijah’s dark eyes pin me in place, his face tilting to the side.

“Everything okay?”

I scrub a hand over my face, shaking my head. “I don’t think so.”

He frowns, inching closer. “Problems with the yard work or something else?”

“It’s everything, I guess.”

Nodding in understanding, he takes my hands in his, squeezing my fingers. “Then how about we start with the easy stuff first and work our way up?”

“Yeah.” I lean in closer, breathing in his intoxicating scent. He smells of old book pages, the summer air, and coffee.

He strokes a thumb over my cheek. “Have you eaten yet?”

“No. I was about to fix some sandwiches.”

“I’ll help then.” He steps back, looking around. “Is it me, or has this kitchen changed since I was last here?”

I laugh, turning to face the sink. “It’s not you. I’ve moved a few things around. It’s driving Stacey crazy. It’s like I’ve woken up in someone else’s house and need to get it back to a place I feel I belong. I guess another weird side effect.”

“Is that what I am too?” He stands behind me, rubbing his nose into the back of my neck.

I do my best to ignore how good his hands feel on my waist. I should have put a clean shirt on before he got here. Would it have mattered? It’s not like I can hide every inch of my skin from him. My neck would still feel his warm breath and won’t be safe from the press of his lips.

“What?” I finally answer, turning on the faucet. After soaping up my hands, I shove them under the warm water.

“Am I one of your weird side effects?”

I suck air between my teeth, shutting off the sink. “I don’t know.” I spin around to face him and he presses his forehead to mine. That’s when I realize he’s much like all the new items in my kitchen—something I need in here in order for me to feel at home again.

“We should uh . . . get started on those sandwiches.” I try to step around him but he holds me in place.

“I think we both know I’m not here for food.” His lips brush over mine. “These last few days haven’t been easy, but you always feel so effortless. I thought I could handle being at all my old favorite places again. Turns out, I was only able to be there when you were there with me. You make me forget why it’s so hard to be there.”

“I . . . We shouldn’t, here.”

“Yeah, I told myself that on the way inside, but then I saw you standing here looking as lost as I felt. Then I had this crazy idea that . . .” He sucks in a breath. “That maybe we could help each other find what we didn’t know we were looking for, like last time.”

He flicks his tongue between my lips. “Help me forget why I shouldn’t be here. Why I shouldn’t want you. Why I don’t want to be alone or keep living anymore. Make me forget everything but this.” His lips seal over mine and he dives deeper into my mouth, our tongues seeking out the other.

His hips thrust against mine, our hard cocks rubbing together. We swallow each other’s moans, writhing harder against each other until the clothes between us become too suffocating. He takes off my pants and underwear before tearing off his shirt. Unable to stop kissing me for long, his lips are back on mine while he undoes his jeans and drops them to the floor.

“Wait.” I press my hand to his chest, stopping his mouth from latching onto mine again. “I thought we were handling the easy stuff first.”

“We are.” He steers me toward the kitchen island. Grabbing my hips, he lifts me up onto the edge and lays me back, lowering his body with mine. “This has been the easiest part of my day. Now stay where you are so I can touch you and you can feel me.” His lips go from mine to my neck, traveling down my body. He licks along my crown and down the underside of my shaft. Moans crawl up my throat as he licks at my balls.

“I’ve been thinking about touching you here all day and hearing those pretty sounds again.” He lifts my legs and I gasp in surprise when he licks between my cheeks. It feels weird and makes me self-conscious at first, but then he spreads my thighs wider, lapping harder at my entrance. Every part of me vibrates and my hole quivers as he pushes his tongue inside me, swiveling between my inner walls. His finger slides in beside it, giving his mouth more access. Adding another finger, he scissors them both inside me and his tongue darts in and out between the two digits. I’ve never known a pleasure quite like this and it hardly feels real. Elijah really is like a wonderful dream and I close my eyes to stay in it longer.

I thrash against the marble, pressing my ass to his face. He laughs, the sounds vibrating against my hole creating a new wonderful sensation inside me. “Such a needy hole. Works out perfectly, as it turns out. My mouth is just as greedy.”

I stretch around his spreading fingers and he spits inside me, getting me more wet. Squelching noises fill the room as he drives into me faster, and they sound so dirty but have me floating closer to the edge. I need more. He switches between driving me crazy with his fingers and his tongue, feasting on my hole like I’m the only sustenance he needs to survive.

“More,” I beg. “Touch me with more of you.” My eyes flash open, searching his.

He drags his tongue slowly along my taint, his eyes wild with lust. “You sure?”

“Yes. Please. Keep me in this place with you. Where I don’t have to try. Where we can both just be.”

He kisses his way up my belly and walks away for what feels like forever. I watch him as he grabs olive oil from the counter, and when he returns his fingers are already slick and dripping. “Condoms?”

I shake my head. “I haven’t . . . It’s been a year since I’ve been with anyone in that way, and it’s only ever been Stacey. I’m okay without it if you are.”

“Yeah. I haven’t been with anyone aside from my husband in a really long time and we were exclusive.”

“Then we don’t need it. I just need you.”

“If you’re really sure.” He slips a finger back inside me while stroking his cock.

“I am.” I squirm as he plunges in and out of me. “Please show me what else I’ve missed out on.”

He removes his finger, pressing the tip of his cock to my entrance. I take a deep breath as he pushes past my ring of muscle, working himself in slowly while circling his hips. “Still okay?”

“Mhm. Don’t stop.”

He keeps going until he’s bottoming out, my hole feeling overstretched and full. I hadn’t known if I’d be able to take him all the first time, but all the playing with my hole these last couple of days definitely helped me prepare, while also making me frustrated when I couldn’t get as deep as him. His cock is hitting more places than his fingers did and I can’t wait to have him move inside me.

“Still okay?”

“Yes. You don’t have to keep asking me. I’ll let you know if I need you to stop.”

He smiles, holding still inside me. “Okay. I want to be gentle with you, at least the first time.”

I grin. “Only the first time?”

“Sí. Only the first time. I’ll know what I’ve had after that, and will need you too badly to wait again.”

“Well, don’t be too gentle, and don’t be so damn slow either,” I snap.

He laughs, rubbing my inner thigh. “You’re turning into quite the bossy bottom. And here you’re supposed to be the one married to a woman.” He pulls out of me and slams back in, shaking me from the inside out. “Not right now, though. You’re mine right now. Only mine.” He rocks his hips, fucking into me harder and faster.

“Yes,” I breathe out. “Yours.” I don’t feel like I’ve ever belonged to anyone else right now. I also feel like I’m being touched for the first time. Lifting my hips higher, he grinds against my ass, touching all the best spots inside me until I feel like I’m hitting the ceiling. We moan together, skin slapping skin and sweat gathering between us. His fingers and tongue are wonderful but have nothing on this. He hits me in different spots until finally finding my sweet spot. I arch my hips, keeping his cock going where I want it as I bask in the riveting pleasure—which dies when keys jingle in the front door.

We both jump, staring at each other in panic. As the door opens, Elijah lifts me off the counter and carries me to the laundry room, kicking our clothes with him. Stacey pauses on the porch while she talks to someone on the phone, buying us enough time to get out of sight. He hits the on button on the dryer, and he pins me against the wall beside a large shelf.

“Silas?” The door closes behind her and Elijah holds me still, his breathing heavy as he shakes his head at me not to answer. I don’t say anything and she calls for me again, her clogs tapping against the kitchen floor. “Are you not here? Your car is out front.”

Sighing, she opens the fridge door and closes it before rummaging through the silverware drawers. “He must be sleeping,” she says to herself. She doesn’t move for a long time and then I hear the microwave turn on. She’s here for lunch. Why didn’t she tell me that?

Elijah presses his hand over my mouth and bucks his hips, fucking into me in a steady rhythm. His eyes are primal and I can’t help but get lost in them. Pleasure spirals inside me again, the sensations both overwhelming and not enough as they bring me closer to my orgasm. He fucks upward, slamming his body into mine, pressing me tighter to the wall as he replaces his hand with his mouth. His kisses muffle my sounds and without thinking I slap my hand against the wall.

“Silas? Is that you?” Her voice gets closer and my body tenses. Elijah doesn’t stop pounding inside me, my hole squeezing around his twitching cock. I try to break free of his hold but he doesn’t let me, his mouth attacking mine while he’s spilling inside me. The warm liquid coats my insides and he wraps a large hand around my bouncing cock. His short, quick strokes are as off-kilter as his thrusts and tongue.

I pound my fists against his chest, biting back a scream as pleasure explodes inside me. I come so hard I nearly black out, my skin feeling fuzzy and like it’s not attached to me.

Who knew sex could be this earth-shattering? He was right about me loving my hole being touched. It’s like a drug I keep needing to come back to in order to experience my new favorite high. It’s taken me by surprise how much has changed in such a short amount of time. I wanted to start living, but hadn’t fully felt like I was until our last days spent together. I was going so many places at one time with Elijah only minutes ago, and didn’t even have to move.

This is easy. Easy and hard at the same time. I have no issues giving in to temptation, but I struggle to return to my life whenever he’s not here, and soon he’ll leave, taking the easy with him.

Stacey never enters the laundry room, her footsteps trailing toward her ringing phone instead. She curses under her breath before answering the phone. “Yeah, what happened?”

She slams her hand on the counter, sucking in a breath. “I’m just finishing up my lunch. I’ll be there in an hour.” She walks around the kitchen. “Fine, thirty minutes. It’s hard to work on an empty stomach, you know?”

Her voice grows quieter the further she’s away from us, and I can’t relax as long as she’s in the same room. I’m practically holding my breath. “Hold on. I have the list in my car.”

Elijah looks at me, face flushed and nostrils flaring from his panting. I lean my head against the wall and he buries his face in my neck, pressing his warm lips to my skin. The front door opens and as soon as it closes, he sets me on the ground. I hold on to the wall, trying to regain feeling in my legs.

“Fuck, that was close,” I say, searching for my clothes. “She wasn’t supposed to be home.”

Elijah tugs on his jeans and shirt, glancing out into the kitchen. “It was stupid and I’m the one who’s sorry this time. I wasn’t thinking clearly. Her being here reminded me that she gets to have you whenever she wants, and I just wanted to keep you as mine a little longer.”

My insides warm at his words and it’s so damn hard not to kiss him again. Stacey is so close and I still only need him. It doesn’t matter why anymore. Figuring out the reason won’t stop what’s happening between us, we’d still be where we are now. “We don’t have a lot of time. You stay in here until the coast is clear.” I quickly put on my clothes and run a hand through my hair. “I’m going to sneak into the back yard and pretend I was there all along.”

“You definitely look like you’ve been breaking a sweat.” He winks, cocking his head.

I roll my eyes. “And you’re not the only one at fault here. But man, did we prove bad ideas go hand in hand with good ones,” I say, walking back into the kitchen. As the knob on the front door twists, I hurry outside and wait until I see her entering the house to come back in.

“You’re home early,” I say, acting surprised to see her.

“There you are. I was calling for you. Thought you might’ve been napping.”

“Nope. Just doing yard work like I said I was going to do this morning.”

Her forehead lifts and she heads for the salad sitting on the island in the exact same spot Elijah fucked me. “Right. I must’ve forgotten. I only came home to eat since I forgot my lunch. I have to head back soon but I’m happy I get to see you before I go.”

“Look, Stacey. We really need to talk.”

She shakes her head, turning away from me. “I can’t, Silas.”

“We’re not supposed to keep secrets from each other and I feel like that’s all we’ve done.”

“Whatever it is you feel like you have to tell me, don’t. Sometimes things are better off staying buried.”

“But Stace, I—”

She presses a finger to my mouth. “I already know, and I forgive you. You’re not well, Silas, and I knew something was off that first week I brought you home. You’re confused and experiencing rare side effects from the heart transplant. We can get you the help you need. We can go to counseling together. Whatever it takes.”

I swallow hard, stepping back. “I think it’s too late for all that.”

“Do you love her?”

“Her?” My throat constricts. What does she think she’s seen?

“Yeah. The person you went to meet at the lake. I saw you get in her car and couldn’t stay for the rest. I’m guessing it wasn’t the first time.”

I scrub a hand over my face. “It wasn’t. And it’s not a her, it’s a . . . him.”

Her face pales. “A him? Are you . . .” Her voice shakes. “Have you always . . .”

“No. I mean, I never ruled out the possibility. I never knew anything outside of us.”

“Is that what this is? Some experiment? If so, maybe you just needed to get it out of your system. I know you’ve been restless, and feel like you’ve missed out on so much, but if you’d only told me you wanted to spice things up in the bedroom, I might have—”

“What? No. It’s nothing like that. You’re right about me experiencing weird side effects, and I thought that’s what this was too, but I’m not so sure anymore. I think we should take some time apart. I can go stay with my mom and you can have the house.”

Her face contorts. “No. I’m away at work a lot of the time as it is. More space is not what we need. I’ll quit the restaurant and hospital. What we need is more time together.”

“I don’t think that’s it, Stace. I just need time away from here to figure things out. Time to be on my own. I’ve never been on my own before. I’ve always depended on you. I still feel like that’s happening even with you gone a lot. You still try to do everything for me.”

“Please reconsider this.” She grabs my hand. “We can get through anything life throws at us, remember?”

“I’m leaving for a couple of weeks, and when I get back, we can figure out how we’re going to move forward. I can stay with my mom until I find a place, and you can keep the house.”

Her eyes water and she shakes her head. “Please, Silas. Don’t do this.”

My chest hurts with each breath I take. “You know . . . we never did go on that camping trip you promised me.”

“We still can.” She squeezes my fingers. “Silas, please stay with me.”

My eyes burn as I fight back the tears. “I can’t this time.” I press a kiss to her cheek and walk back outside, watching her through the window from the patio couch.

She dumps out her salad and tosses the dish in the sink. I can tell she wants to come out here when she pauses in front of the back door, but instead she turns around and leaves the way she came in. The engine of her car roars, and before I hear her drive onto the road a text comes through.

Stacey : Do whatever you need to do, and when you come back home, I promise things will be different. We’ll fix this. We can fix this. Just please come back to me.

As much as I don’t want to admit it, I think it’s too late, and it’s not just because of Elijah. Things were falling apart before he came along. Stacey stopped sleeping in our bed with me when I needed more medical care, and I think she realized when I was better that me being sick wasn’t the only reason. I don’t think it felt right to her anymore either. It’s why she started working more nights—she had less of a reason to make herself want it again. I think she loves the idea of us more than she loves me. She put so much into our relationship that she feels it would all be a waste to just walk away now. It’s the only reason she stays. She can’t admit it to me or herself.

When I go back inside, Elijah is sitting on one of the stools giving me a sympathetic smile. “You okay?”

I shake my head and the tears rush out of me like a river. “No.”

He opens his arms and I rush toward him, standing between his spread out knees and leaning down to be wrapped in his warm embrace. “It might not feel like it now but you will be.” He presses a kiss to my cheek. “Moments like this only remind us of how strong we can be. You’ve gotten through everything life has thrown at you so far, Sunshine. You’ll get through this too.”

“I know.” I rub my face against his shoulder before standing back up. “Do you happen to like camping?”

His lips turn up into a half smile. “Not usually, but I think you could change my mind.”

My heart flutters, enjoying the small relief from the ache in my chest. “Would you like to accompany me this weekend?”

He wipes a tear from my eye. “Why wait until this weekend? I heard the weather is supposed to be perfect tomorrow.”

“You think the water and sky will be too?”

“I think it all will be when I show up with the key ingredient.” He purses his lips.

“And what’s that?”

He stands up, pressing his nose to mine. “The right kind of sunshine.”