Twenty-two
Silas
Elijah is tugging at my clothes before we can fully get inside the tent. His mouth crashes to mine as I’m crawling backwards. He doesn’t bother to zip the tent closed behind him, his body unable to separate from mine as he grinds our cocks together. This will be the first night I spend with him. Will I still dream of him even with him next to me? Will the nightmares disappear or grow stronger? I’m not in a hurry to find out either way.
I thrust my tongue desperately against his, bucking my hips. He kisses his way down my body, licking and biting at my skin. I’ve never had anyone make me feel as wanted and needed as he does. It’s one of the things I look forward to the most when we’re together. His tongue traces my happy trail all the way down to my cock. He sucks me down, burying his nose in my pubes, and I pull him off me, worried I won’t last much longer if he keeps going.
“What’s wrong? Don’t like that?”
“I like it too much and I’d rather come with you inside me. I need your cock, Elijah. I need you to fuck me.”
“I love how you always know what you need.” He gives my cock a few more licks before lifting my legs and sucking on my pucker. The scruff of his beard rubs over my sensitive skin as he feasts on my hole, wetting my inner walls with his tongue. He slides a finger in once I’m sopping wet and leaking, and plunges in and out of me, curling his finger once he’s knuckle deep.
“Elijah,” I say between moans. “I’m not going to last if you keep doing that.”
“I know, baby, but I have to make sure you’re ready for me. I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You won’t. I promise. And I don’t mind if it hurts a little.” Any slight pain he might give will take away from the pinching sensation I feel in my heart. I’m still so overridden with guilt, and it’s hard to fully let myself enjoy all these moments when the hate I’ve developed for myself lately only keeps growing. I’m falling harder for him every day and it’s happening so fast. My heart continues to fully let him in while pushing Stacey and what we once had out. The memories we have together are still good, but I’m perfectly fine moving on from them when all I want to do is wrap myself up in the ones I create with Elijah. It only makes me feel worse.
Should I really be here with him? My marriage may be beyond saving, but is rushing into something new so soon really the answer? And what if it really is Landon’s heart beating inside me? Are all these feelings really his instead of my own? I hadn’t really given myself much time to think about it all. I only focused on what I needed, and that’s to be close to Elijah. He makes me feel good, and the taste of happiness I get makes me greedy for more.
My thoughts are all wiped away when Elijah impales me on his cock, fucking inside me fast and hard. He kisses my mouth, intensifying the pleasure with his hand wrapped around my cock. Driven insane by his finger and cock, my body spasms. My hole clenches as he pumps his cock in and out of me, the head slamming against my sweet spot on repeat. He’s like a desperate man trying to complete a quest, conquering my entire being with his body.
His moans vibrate over my mouth and he throws his head back, his cock twitching inside me as our bodies rock together. All my muscles tense and I come between us, grabbing at his neck to capture his lips again. He comes only seconds behind me, groaning and filling me with his cum. After deciding there would be no use of condoms the first time, there was no need to have the discussion again.
I want every part of him to touch me when we’re connected like this. I want to feel him leaking out of me during our hike in the morning and on the drive to wherever he takes me next. Eventually, I’ll have to go to my mom’s and deal with all her questions, but I don’t want to think about that now.
“Can you wake me up like this?” I whisper into his warm, parting mouth.
“If you really want me to.”
“I do.” I run my trembling fingers through his sweaty hair, still trying to catch my breath.
“Then I will.”
My eyes start to close and I struggle to keep them open.
“Someone’s sleepy.” He kisses me sweetly and rolls away. “I’ll be right back.”
Minutes later he returns with wipes and cleans us both up, placing kisses to random spots on my body in between. Light bounces around the tent as he zips it closed and situates himself behind me. As the blanket is lifted over us, he kisses my shoulder and shuts off the flashlight. A large arm wraps around me, his hand settling on my stomach. “I do have to warn you. If you don’t push me away soon, I’m going to assume you love to cuddle and take full advantage.”
I press against him, setting my hand on his. “Go ahead. You won’t hear me complaining.”
“You say that now. Wait until I’m practically suffocating you with my whole body.”
“Still not seeing the problem here,” I say, winking, and he laughs.
“Night, Sunshine.”
I smile into my pillow. “Night.”
My eyes flash open to Elijah waking me exactly how I asked him to, plunging into me from behind while kissing my shoulder. Darkness floods the tent and I close my eyes, not needing to see anything when feeling is so much better right now. With his loud pants filling the space, Elijah’s hips slam harder against my ass, our bodies shaking together as we reach our peak.
“I woke up and couldn’t wait for the sun to rise to be inside you again.” His breath tickles the back of my neck.
“So it’s not morning yet?” My words are barely legible as I meet his thrusts, rutting back against him.
“Oh, it’s morning. Three a.m. definitely counts.”
I throw my head back, my laughter shifting to a long moan as I come, losing all feeling in my limbs. Pleasure explodes inside me, and I feel like hot liquid is pouring into my bloodstream while tiny cold sparks tingle along my spine. Still hard as a rock inside me, Elijah tries to pull out, but I grab his hip, holding him in place. “Not yet.”
The oversensitivity already has my balls screaming out right alongside my throbbing hole, but I don’t care. I’m not ready to separate from him. To feel empty. I have plenty of time for that when this all ends. Long ago, I learned to stop going after anything too out of my reach, to keep from being too disappointed. Elijah was definitely a stretch too far but I went for him anyway. He was the far swim I didn’t learn my lesson from after nearly drowning the first time. I keep splashing forward anyway, so fast and deep, I might not make it out when it happens again.
The heart failure that comes with this man isn’t one paramedics can revive me from. The pain and loss of life will stay with me even if I physically survive it. You can’t replace an emotionally broken heart, and I’m not used to allowing my body to heal on its own. Someone always intervened. I can tell already that even the strongest medicine won’t so much as touch the damage he’ll leave behind.
Elijah’s circling hips bring me back to my reality, and tiny aftershocks of my orgasm zap at all the places he touches. “Fuck, you feel so damn good. I’m never inside you long enough. It’s never enough.”
With a few jerks of his hips, he’s grunting into my hair, piercing the skin of my shoulder with his nails. Warm rushes of liquid fill me and I smile, dozing off as he cleans me up. He can’t stop kissing me while he does it, making me feel as if I’m everything precious in the world to him. He had that already, though, with the other owner of the house he refuses to let me inside of. Landon was his whole world, and if I really do have his heart in me, that’ll explain why I feel like I do right now. I’m not ready to know it’s not me that’s keeping him here. I want to remain in the clouds a little longer before letting the water pull me back under.
I’m in the woods, and one foot is moving quickly in front of the other, my body gaining momentum with each stride. Trees are all around me, swaying and looming over me like giant monsters showing me glimpses of their claws as I run faster. The sky grows darker, a black cloak spreading across the trees and grass. I keep going, not stopping when I can no longer see what’s in front of me. Laughter chases me, followed by loud footsteps, both threatening to catch up at any second. I don’t know where I’m going, slipping further into a void as I distance myself from the unwelcoming noises.
Fingers dig into my shoulder, shaking me hard, and my body stiffens in fear, blood chilling in my ears.
“I got you,” a deep, scratchy voice says.
“No,” I scream, finally finding my voice and getting feeling in my limbs. I kick and swing and arms envelope me, prickly hairs scratching my cheek .
I open my eyes and I’m back inside the tent. Morning light casts a bright glow on the orange fabric, and when I crane my neck, Elijah’s big brown eyes are staring at me.
“It’s okay, Sunshine. I got you. You’re okay. It was only a bad dream.”
“I . . .” I breathe in and out. “It felt so real. Just like the others. It was different, though. I’m usually never in my own body.”
His eyes blink slowly. “You have nightmares often?”
“Yeah.” My gaze flickers down and then back up at him. “They didn’t start until after the transplant. Sometimes I think they might be old memories.”
“Are they?” He lifts his head onto his closed fist, stroking my cheek.
“No . . . Not mine at least.”
His eyes narrow in on me. “What do you mean? Like you’re getting someone else’s?”
I swallow hard, pressing my palm to my chest. “I think they belong to my heart donor,” I stammer. “I know I sound crazy but I feel crazy sometimes too. I have flashbacks and thoughts that make me feel as if I’m on the outside looking in, somehow invading someone else’s privacy.”
“You know, I’ve heard of something like this. Or read it in an article while I was randomly scrolling the internet. It’s called cellular memory. It’s rare but does happen, and there’s one woman who’s never quite felt like herself, even years later. She got some of her donor’s memories, dreams, and personality traits.”
“I didn’t know that was a thing,” I say. Except I did and couldn’t stop thinking about the possibility of it currently happening to me.
“I’m sure most don’t. I like reading about stuff like that though. Strange phenomena.”
“So I’m a strange phenomenon?”
“Well, you certainly are rare.” He scoots closer to me. “So you think your donor had a lot of nightmares, or maybe suffered a traumatic event before they died?”
“I don’t know.” I bite my bottom lip. “I get dreams too. I’m there with someone else usually, only I’m not me, but we’re both so happy and familiar.”
“That has to be really strange. Yet it’s also kind of remarkable if you think about it. This person passed on but is still living through you. Do you recognize the other person at all? You think it was a partner or good friend?”
I pause, my stomach plummeting. “No,” I lie. “I mean, I don’t know who he is.” I can’t tell him it’s him I saw and how much he felt like mine when I ran into him in person. How the dreams only increased from there, making me ache to experience it all for real. My chest caves. I have his dead husband’s heart, don’t I? How do you tell a person that? Will he believe we met by chance when I do?
There’s no hard evidence to prove what I believe to be true. He says cellular memory is rare, and what if I started dreaming of him because I’ve seen him somewhere else without remembering? What if I tell him I’m dreaming Landon’s memories and I’m wrong? There’s too much at stake for me to be wrong.
“Sounds like someone who’s close to whoever the memory or dream belongs to.”
“Yeah, or maybe I’m just insane and slowly losing my mind.”
Shaking his head, he laughs. “Nah, just sort of sharing it with someone else.”
My breaths are shallow, my chest tightening. “I’m sorry, I’m making our morning weird. I know I was driving Stacey crazy with all this.”
“It’s fine. Makes for a more interesting camping trip. Like I said, this sort of stuff interests me. I’m guessing you have no idea who the donor is.”
“No. I was only told he was in some sort of accident.”
His brows rise. “How long ago did you have the transplant again?”
Panic tugs at my chest. “Three months ago I think. I don’t remember the exact date. Stacey’s better at dates than I am.”
“I see.” A muscle tics in his jaw and he sits up all the way, shoving at the blanket.
“What is it?” A sick feeling comes over me when he won’t meet my eyes.
“Nothing. Just my brain going places it shouldn’t.” He forces a smile. “Hungry for breakfast? I can make us some oatmeal before our hike.”
Are his thoughts lining up with mine? Is he thinking my surgery conveniently took place around the time of his husband’s death? “Yeah, sure.”
He searches through his bag, pulling out shorts and a shirt. “Apple cinnamon or blueberry?” he asks, still not meeting my eyes.
“Surprise me.” I push myself up, tugging the blanket with me as he looks around, pulling on his shirt, his eyes clouding over with worry. The sudden shift is palpable. His brows are furrowing and he can’t look at me directly. What’s going through that head of his? Do I want to know?
“Go ahead and rest some more. I’ll call you when it’s ready.” He swiftly exits the tent in nothing but a shirt and briefs, taking his shorts with him.
I lie back down, studying the way the branches leave shadows on the tent. They dance so freely and I wish I still felt how they look. Not able to relax, I dress and reach for my bottle of water to chase down my meds. I’m almost out. I clench my teeth, thinking about the new prescriptions Stacey picked up early for me, two days before I left, because I thought I’d lost the previous ones. I grabbed the wrong fucking set.
Stomach rumbling, I crawl between the opening and shield my eyes from the blazing sun.
“Right on time.” Elijah holds two bowls up, his smile coming more easily than before, and those caring eyes are back.
“You sure you still want to go hiking? We can always skip it?”
He nods curtly, stepping closer. “I’m sure. Not that we need the extra exercise.” He winks, handing me my food, steam floating off the top. “Unless you’re too sore.” The worry is back in his eyes, but it’s a different kind. The kind that brings him closer, rather than making him pull away like when we were in the tent and he couldn’t wait to be away from me.
“No.” I grab a spoon from the box on the picnic table, hissing as I sit.
“Sure? I have some Tylenol if you need it.”
“That might not be a bad idea.”
He sets his food next to mine and rushes to his bag. Seconds later, he’s setting a bottle of pills on the table and lowering himself next to me, wincing a little.
I laugh, resting a hand on his leg and pressing a quick kiss to his cheek. “I guess we can be uncomfortable together during our walk.”
“I guess so.” He chuckles and I’m so glad to have all the tension fully gone. I do wish he’d talked to me about it, though, even if I don’t know any more about it than he does, because I have a feeling this won’t be the last time the topic comes up. Unless he got all weird on me because he knows more. Did he come to the flower shop I work at on purpose that day? Is he worried I might find out that he found out who I was? They don’t willingly give that info out, so he would have had to go through a lot of trouble for it.
Now I’m letting my mind go to all the wrong places. We eat our food without so much as a word between us. I try to reach for a Coke as we’re about to leave for our walk and Elijah shakes his head, handing me a water. “I don’t need you getting dehydrated on me like last time.”
“What, you don’t want to carry me back?” I wrap my fingers around the neck of the bottle.
“I’d rather carry you because I want to and not because I have to.” He shoots me a seductive look and I shiver. This man has too much power over me.
“I’ll remind you of that later. Not that it’ll stop me from fake fainting halfway just to give you a reason to do it sooner.”
His laughter drifts behind him as he walks ahead of me, heading through a group of trees. Large green signs guide us to where we need to go and we follow a dirt path, Elijah reaching for my hand. Birds chirp and the sky looks like it’s opening up with clouds surrounding a large pool of blue. Heat tickles the back of my neck and my clothes cling to my skin by the time we make it back to camp. We didn’t say much on our walk with how much I had to focus on my breathing and take breaks to rest against a tree.
“Maybe that was too much too soon?”
“It was shorter than the other one I walked.”
“Yeah, I know. But maybe on top of all the other physical activity you took part in this weekend . . .”
I lay a hand on his shoulder. “It’s okay, Elijah. I’m fine. See?” I spin around shaking my hips a little.
He snickers, dragging me into his arms. “You certainly look it.”
“Should we see if there’s a shower nearby?” I stroke his neck.
“There is. It’s a short walk from here. I brought everything we need, including additional towels.”
“Cool. I’ll grab some clean clothes and we can go.”
“Sounds good.” We separate and grab what we need from our bags. Elijah slides his bag up his elbow and lifts me in his arms without warning.
“What are you doing?” I cling to his shoulders as he shoves me up higher.
“Preventing you from fake fainting along the way.”
My cheeks heat, my lips tilting. “Thanks for saving me the trouble.”
“Anytime, Sunshine.”
And just like that, I don’t need to worry about what happens later because right now is all that matters. This is where we are, and where I’ll stay for as long as I can.