Chapter Eighteen
chapter EIGHTEEN
“Y ou need to go,” Ethan said adamantly, his blood pressure soaring from the anger that was building inside of him. Between Blake showing up and having the fucking nerve to use a key he’d clearly had made without Ethan’s knowledge and then Beau walking out, he wasn’t so sure he wouldn’t lose his shit right then and there.
“I want to talk.” Blake’s face showed absolutely no concern for the danger he might actually be in if he continued to push.
Unable to control himself, Ethan got up in Blake’s face until they were nose to nose. He didn’t touch him otherwise, fearing what he might actually do if he released the contempt he suddenly felt for this man. “You. Need. To. Fucking. Leave.” He spelled it out as clearly as he could.
That’s when Ethan’s world flipped upside down, and the anger erupted. When Blake gripped the back of Ethan’s neck and pulled him to him, their mouths pressing together, Ethan reacted in the only way he knew how. He shoved Blake. Hard.
“Don’t you ever fucking do that again,” he warned, taking several steps back.
“Why? Because of Beau? Are you feeling guilty now?”
“I have nothing to feel guilty about,” Ethan yelled. “Whatever you thought there was between us is over, Blake. Over.”
“No, it’s not,” Blake argued. “Not by a long shot. I love you, Ethan. I won’t let you go.”
“You don’t have a choice,” Ethan said, taking a deep breath and trying to calm his nerves. “I was never yours to begin with.”
“Then give me another chance. It was a mistake. I shouldn’t have walked out. I shouldn’t have quit. I’m only human, Ethan,” Blake pleaded. “One more chance.”
Not in this lifetime , Ethan thought. There was no way he could go back. Not even if he wanted to. After what he’d shared with Beau that afternoon, Ethan wasn’t sure he’d be able to engage in meaningless sex ever again. Nine years was a long time to go without that intense thrill of being with someone you cared about. He wasn’t making any promises, wasn’t going to get his hopes up, but what he felt with Beau... Shit, what he felt when he was with Beau transcended anything he’d ever felt before. Even the naive, young love he’d felt for Gavin.
These confusing emotions were enough to alter Ethan’s focus. To make him want things he swore he would never want again.
“You love me,” Blake said, taking a step closer.
“I never loved you,” Ethan said, his voice much calmer than before. He didn’t want to do this. He didn’t like confrontation, and he damn sure wasn’t the type of person who wanted to put someone in their place, but with Blake, it wasn’t like he had much choice.
“Do you think fucking Beau is going to fix you?” Blake said snidely.
Ethan flinched. He knew it wouldn’t take long for Blake to get nasty.
“My personal life isn’t your business.” The statement wasn’t an effective argument, but Ethan didn’t want Blake talking about Beau.
“It always was before, remember? I was the man you fucked every night until you were too exhausted to move.”
It damn sure hadn’t been every night, but Ethan wasn’t going to try to prove that point.
“I know you care about me,” Blake said, his voice rising.
Ethan shook his head in denial, and then glanced at the floor. He hated doing this. Didn’t want to fight with Blake or anyone else. He didn’t want to be that guy. He had no intention of making Blake feel bad. “It’s not the same,” Ethan said.
“What’s not the same? The way you feel about Beau versus what you feel for me?” Incredulity dripped from Blake’s words.
“No, God damn it!” Ethan was rapidly losing his grasp on his temper. “I don’t feel the same for you as you feel for me.”
“Bullshit,” Blake yelled, taking several steps closer.
Ethan wasn’t able to move out of Blake’s way fast enough before he found himself pressed up against the wall, Blake’s body colliding with his. “You feel it,” Blake said angrily, rubbing his erection against Ethan’s thigh. “You always enjoyed angry sex, E. I’m willing to give it to you. Beau won’t give you that. He’ll treat you like you might break.”
Ethan glared down at Blake and then shoved him back. He hated that Blake thought he knew so fucking much. Ethan did get the impression that Beau was handling him with kid gloves, trying to make sure he didn’t push him too hard, which was partially why Ethan had exerted his dominance earlier.
He’d needed the control.
And yes, Blake was correct in saying that Ethan liked it rough. He liked spontaneous sex. Mainly the kind that lacked any sort of emotion. Fucking for the sake of fucking.
But then again, that was before Beau. What he’d shared with Beau had been different. The man himself was different. He made Ethan feel different.
Shit.
Not helping.
“Get out,” Ethan snarled. “And give me the fucking key.”
Blake surprised Ethan when he handed over the key, his face reflecting the same ferocity that Ethan felt.
“I won’t let him do this to us,” Blake said softly, too softly.
“He isn’t doing anything. What you and I had is over.” Not to mention it didn’t even compare to what Ethan found himself beginning to feel for Beau. Not that he could share that little revelation. The best thing to do was to put this on Blake. Make him believe he’d been the one to end this, although Ethan knew that it had come to an end a long time ago. “You gave me a fucking ultimatum, remember?”
“Yeah, I remember. And now Beau’s stepped in, and what? He gets all of you? I just got pieces?”
You didn’t even get that much , Ethan thought.
“Just get out.” Ethan didn’t want to have this conversation with Blake. The man was jealous, and the hatred he saw in his eyes when he mentioned Beau’s name made Ethan nervous.
“I’m not leaving. Not until you admit that you care about me.”
Ethan shook his head but didn’t say a word.
“I put up with you for months, E. I tolerated this depression or whatever it is that’s wrong with you. I settled for you giving me minutes, versus days. And for what? So Beau can take you from me. No, bullshit! I earned your love!”
Ethan had a feeling that Blake was stepping off the curb of sanity and right onto Crazy Street. Earned his love? That didn’t even make any fucking sense.
“There wasn’t anything there to begin with,” Ethan finally said, feeling shitty for stating the truth, but not sure what other option he had.
Blake stood up straight, the anger and determination on his face twisting into something evil. Something Ethan had seen before.
“You know, maybe you’re right. Maybe there wasn’t anything.” Blake turned toward the door, and Ethan breathed a sigh of relief.
Too soon.
Blake spun on him, a vengeful gleam in his eyes as he said, “I guess it’s a good thing I never stopped looking for it elsewhere. Remember when I said I was only with that guy once? Well, I lied. In fact, he wasn’t the only guy I was fucking on the side.”
Ethan felt physically ill all of a sudden.
“That’s right,” Blake said, his tone dropping so low, Ethan barely heard him. “I knew from the beginning that you were nothing special. So don’t feel bad for me, because I made sure that I got what I needed. And it damn sure wasn’t from you.”
When Blake finally stormed out, Ethan stared at the closed door for a moment, his stomach churning. Once he was convinced Blake wasn’t coming back, Ethan leaned against the door and closed his eyes.
Had that really happened?
Blake had been fucking around on him? Honestly, Ethan didn’t care about that part of it. No, his mind was still replaying Blake’s statement: I knew from the beginning that you were nothing special .
Part of him was starting to believe that.
A minute later, he let all his anger out with a brutal roar, one that made his throat hurt and his head ache.
This was the exact fucking reason why he didn’t have relationships.
They never worked out.
“MIND IF I stop by?” Beau asked Zane when he answered the phone.
Going straight home hadn’t been an option for Beau. He knew he’d just sit and stew over what just happened, and it would make him nuts. So, he had stopped his truck in front of Walker Demolition and chose to call Zane.
“Sure thing, bro.” Zane sounded oddly happy to hear from him.
Now that Beau thought about it, he hadn’t talked to Zane in a while. Nothing more than the brief interactions they’d had over the last few weeks. Hell, how long had it been since he stopped by Zane and V’s to see how they were doing?
“I’ll be there in a couple of minutes,” he told his friend and then disconnected the call.
Five minutes later he was pulling up to Zane’s house. By the time he reached the front door, Zane was standing there waiting for him. As he moved through the front door, Zane slapped him on the back, a wicked grin on his face.
“Good mood?” he asked Zane, trying not to laugh.
“Always.”
That’s kinda true , Beau thought. He must’ve been spending so much time with Ethan that he forgot how different the brothers were. Where Ethan was moody and mysterious, Zane was cheerful. Not to mention, Zane was an open book.
“Beer?”
“Absolutely,” Beau answered, glancing around the loft-style house. “Where’s V?”
“Zoey’s,” Zane answered. “She went over to see Mason.”
“How’s he doing?”
“Perfect,” Zane said with a grin. “He’s giving Kaleb a run for his money.”
Beau cocked an eyebrow, waiting for Zane to explain further.
“Something called colic, V said. No idea what that means, but he’s got it, and he’s keeping Kaleb from getting his beauty sleep.”
Beau laughed at Zane’s vivid description.
“Sit.” Zane motioned toward the living room before handing Beau a beer.
Beau dropped onto the couch and let his body relax for the first time in what felt like days.
“How’s it going?”
“Good.”
“That doesn’t sound like ‘good’ to me.” Zane laughed, easing himself into the chair sitting perpendicular to the couch.
There was silence for a minute or two. Beau tried to convince himself that he didn’t answer because he was more interested in drinking his beer, but he knew better. He didn’t answer because he didn’t even know whether he could share his inner turmoil with his best friend. Not anymore anyway.
“Talk to me, Beau,” Zane said, his cheerful mood shifting to serious.
“What’s there to talk about?” he asked, stalling. “I lost my job.”
“Yeah? That ain’t the end of the world.”
For Zane maybe. But Beau didn’t have anyone else to fall back on. He wasn’t going to mention that he would be working for Ethan because he still wasn’t sure how that would pan out. He’d find out first thing in the morning, but for now, he questioned whether Ethan would still give him the opportunity after what happened between them.
“How’s Ethan?”
Zane’s question surprised Beau so much that he choked, damn near snorting beer out of his nose.
“What are you talking about?”
“Oh, come on.” Zane offered that sly, devilish grin. “Think I don’t know something’s going on between the two of you?”
No . No, he didn’t think Zane knew. How could he? It wasn’t like Beau had made it public knowledge.
“How long have we been friends?” Zane asked. The question sounded rhetorical, so Beau didn’t answer. “Oh, that’s right, all our damn lives.”
Beau laughed at Zane’s expression.
“And that means I know you better than anyone else, right?”
Beau would have to agree with that statement. Nodding, he continued to stare at Zane.
When Zane leaned forward in the chair, his elbows resting on his knees, the beer bottle dangling between his legs, Beau knew the conversation was turning serious.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
Zane didn’t look up at Beau when he asked the question. Beau wasn’t even sure how to answer it. “Tell you what?”
“That you’re gay.”
Ahhh. Well, at least now he knew what they were talking about. And suddenly, Beau wasn’t in the mood to talk. “I think I should go,” he said in a rush, reaching to put his beer down on the table as he rose to his feet.
“Sit your big, bulky ass down.”
Beau stared down at Zane where he sat. He was serious. Shit. Dropping onto the couch, Beau crossed his arms over his chest.
“How long have you known?”
“A long time,” Beau said honestly, surprised by his own admission.
“But you continued to engage in threesomes with me?”
“They were easier.”
“Than what?”
“Accepting what I suspected.”
“And that’s why you let me fuck you.”
It wasn’t a question, but it sounded as though Zane wanted confirmation. Beau flinched. He knew Zane had been uncomfortable at the time, but his best friend had moved out of his comfort zone for Beau’s sake. He knew he should be thankful, but he was shocked to the point he couldn’t form a coherent thought.
“If it’s any consolation, I think you’re good for E.”
Beau’s brow furrowed.
“I don’t know why he is the way he is, but... shit.” Zane paused. “I just want y’all to be happy. Whatever that means.”
“It’s not serious,” Beau said defensively.
“Horseshit,” Zane grumbled. “You don’t do casual sex, Beau.”
“What the hell are you talking about? I spent years fucking your girlfriends, Zane.”
“You did. But you weren’t in it for them, were you?”
Beau looked down at his lap. No, he wasn’t. He’d agreed to it so he could be closer to Zane. There had always been a curiosity that could never be sated. Not until V came into the picture. She’d read Beau like an open book.
“I’m sorry I did that to you,” Zane said, his voice full of remorse.
“You didn’t do anything to me,” Beau argued. “You didn’t force me. And I still enjoyed it.”
“But not like you do with Ethan?”
Nothing compared to what Beau felt when he was with Ethan. Not that he was going to tell Zane that.
“Do you love him?”
Beau was glad he hadn’t taken a drink because he would’ve probably choked to death. Drowned from inhaling beer.
“You don’t have to answer that,” Zane said, a curious smile on his face. “But do me a favor?”
“Sure. Anything.”
“Just... let me know if you need anything.” Zane was swinging the beer bottle in small circles between his legs as he stared downward. “I’ll always have your back. You know that.”
Beau swallowed hard, trying not to get emotional. These conversations with Zane were infrequent and rare. And truth be told, he had needed this. Needed to know that Zane supported him. That he understood. “I do know that.”
Zane looked up at him, and their gazes met across the room. Right there, in that moment, their friendship healed itself, and Beau felt an enormous weight lift off his shoulders. He wouldn’t admit it yet, but he was falling in love with Ethan. And he was grateful that his best friend would be there for him in the event his world came out from under him.
He prayed it never came to that.