22. Not Alone
Crying into my palms, I attempted to hide from Ben’s concerned demands for an explanation. Even if I’d tried to explain, I didn’t think he could have understood me. I was sobbing and gasping, unable to catch my breath as I shattered into a million pieces.
“You’re scaring me,” he said, his voice thick like he was on the verge of tears as well. “What happened? Are you hurt?”
I shook my head, but the tears wouldn’t stop.
“Silas?”
I couldn’t answer because my lungs weren’t working. Or maybe it was my abused throat, cinching tight as the emotional release suffocated me.
“Jesus, Si, come here.”
An arm wrapped around my shoulders, tugging gently. When I refused to move, he huffed and hauled me across the bench seat until I was in his arms. His spring soap drove away some of my hysteria, and I threw my arms around him and tucked my face into his neck.
“I’ve got you,” he crooned, gathering me close until I was nearly in his lap. “It’s gonna be okay. Just breathe for me.”
I was trying to breathe, but I couldn’t get enough oxygen.
“Look at me,” he said, and I shook my head again. Forcing me out of the refuge of his neck, he said, “Look at me!”
I looked at him.
His eyes were wild and wet, but he guided my hand to his chest, over his heart. He inhaled deeply, releasing it slowly out through pursed lips. He did it again. Then again. Until I started to copy.
“That’s it,” he said, thumbing away the tears still tracking down my cheeks. “Just look at me. It’s just us, okay? I’m right here.”
Slowly, my breathing evened out, and I slumped forward, my forehead meeting his. Mine was slicked with a cold sweat. His was dry and warm. His gaze never wavered, and I was lost to the ocean of his eyes.
“You with me?” he asked after I heaved a big, calming breath.
I nodded, tightening my grip on his California hoodie. “I’m with you.”
Relief worked through him, his shoulders loosening. “Good. Now tell me what happened.”
Part of me wanted to, because I didn’t want to carry it alone, but the list of reasons not to was a mile long.
“Panic attack,” I finally croaked.
He saw right through me. “Yeah, I got that. What triggered it?”
“Does it matter?” I snapped.
“Right now it does.” He pointed out of the windshield. “You almost crashed into oncoming traffic. We could have died.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I don’t want you to be sorry,” he cried, making me flinch. He took a deep breath, lowering his volume as he said, “I want you to tell me what happened.”
How could I? There were no words to describe the ugliness of what had happened behind that stage.
But Ben wasn’t stupid.
“Was it Boyt?” he demanded, and I turned away, using my shirt sleeve to clean my face. “Answer me.”
“I don’t think I need to,” I said.
His expression cooled, and I hated the way it scared me.
“Turn the truck around.”
The order was low and vicious.
“No,” I said.
Leaning across the bench seat, he stared me down. “Turn the fucking truck around.”
I’d never seen this side of him. He was so cold, and I hated it. Ben was never cold. He was the sun. He’d always been the sun. And I was the earth, ensnared by his gravity.
But the Ben sitting in front of me wasn’t the sun. He was the icy void of space. It reminded me of Eric’s eyes when they’d emptied of humanity. That sheer nothingness that only rage could birth.
When I made no move to start the truck, Ben shoved open his door and climbed out. I called after him, but he ignored me as he started walking back to the school.
I fumbled with the door handle, my hands useless and clammy, but I managed to open it. I tumbled out of the truck and gave chase.
“Ben, stop.” I caught up to him and grabbed his arm, but he shook me off. “Please, don’t leave me.”
He faltered at that, and I stepped in front of him and fisted his hoodie in my hands. “Don’t leave me alone.”
Life flickered in his eyes, even as he grabbed my wrists to remove my grip. Unwilling to lose him to the anger, I threw my arms around him and attached myself to his body resolutely. If he wanted to storm all the way back to school, then he would have to carry me the whole damn way. I wasn’t letting go.
“I need you with me,” I confessed, using his earlier words. “Are you with me?”
Slowly, ever so slowly, his arms circled my waist. His chest heaved, great puffs of air fanning over my ear.
“I’m with you, Silas,” he finally said. “Where else am I gonna go?”
Delving one hand into his hair, I shuddered against him. “Don’t scare me like that.”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” he chanted, fingers digging into my back. “I’d never hurt you. I didn’t mean to scare you; I was just so angry.”
I nodded into his shoulder. “I know. Just stay with me, okay?”
With a pained sound, he pulled away and cupped my face. “I can’t stand it when you look at me like that.”
“How am I looking at you?”
His face fell. “Like you’re going to break apart in my hands.”
“I’m not that breakable,” I said, and he hugged me again with a groan.
We stood on the side of the street for several long minutes, neither of us ready or willing to let go. But we couldn’t stay there forever. There was too much left unsaid, and I didn’t think I’d be able to get away with silence this time.
Stepping back, Ben kept his hands on my shoulders. “Did he hurt you?”
“No,” I lied. “He didn’t hurt me.”
“Don’t lie to me,” he warned. “What did he do?”
He hadn’t done anything. I almost had, though. Shame wriggled into my chest to join the self-loathing already taking up residence there.
I wasn’t ready to face that, though. Maybe I never would be. So I collected the memories of what Eric had done, of what he’d nearly made me do, and locked them deep inside. One day, maybe I’d open the cabinet and take them out, but I couldn’t right now. Not with Ben seconds away from losing his shit. Not with the evidence of Eric’s hands still warming the skin of my throat.
What would have happened if Acker hadn’t come looking for me? With a shake of my head, I banished the horror of that thought and forced a neutral expression onto my face.
“I was backstage alone,” I whispered as I stared down at the black pavement clashing with my beat-up Vans. “He just wanted to scare me, but he didn’t do anything.”
It was partially true. He had talked a lot, though most of it had been entirely nonsensical.
“He just wanted to scare you?” he echoed, disbelief heavy in his voice.
“Yes,” I hissed through clenched teeth.
“You’re limping.”
I fisted my hands, fighting for calm. “I tripped.”
“Bullshit!”
Oh, come on! That was actually true.
“Ben, I can’t do this, right now. Don’t make me do this.”
“I’m trying to help you,” he shouted, and my temper flared in response.
“If you want to help me, then let it go!”
“Let it go? What, like last time?” he yelled, the volume of his voice punching a hole through my chest. “Yeah, pretending like it didn’t happen sure worked out great for you, didn’t it? What do you think’s gonna happen the next time he comes around ‘just to scare you’?”
My mouth snapped shut with an audible clack, and I shoved his hands off my shoulders and turned back to my truck. “I’m not doing this.”
Ben followed like he always did. “Don’t you walk away from me.”
“I’m done talking.”
“Well, I’m not!” He shoved me against the side of the truck bed and boxed me in. “Running from this won’t make it go away, and you’re delusional if you think he won’t keep coming after you. It’s time to get your head out of the sand and tell someone.”
I blanched. “Tell someone?”
“Yes! Your dad or a teacher or, here’s a thought, maybe the fucking police. This won’t stop, and next time, you may not be lucky enough to get away unscathed.” His breath hitched. “I can’t always be there to protect you.”
Of course he blamed himself for this, even though he had nothing to do with it.
“You don’t have to protect me. I’m not your responsibility, and I don’t expect you to—”
“You’re my friend,” he insisted, craning his neck down to meet my gaze. “I promised myself that I wouldn’t let him hurt you again, and I’ve already failed you tonight.”
“That’s not a promise you can make. It’s definitely not one I would expect you to keep.” I steeled myself for an argument because we weren’t done, and he wouldn’t surrender without a fight. “I’ll be extra careful, and I won’t give him an opportunity to corner me again. You don’t have to be my bodyguard, and no one else has to find out.”
“What are you so afraid of? Why won’t you go to the police about this?”
I studied the California logo on his hoodie. “It wouldn’t make a difference, so what would be the point?”
“They’d arrest him. How would that not make a difference?”
I ground my teeth as my patience thinned. “Do you really think anyone would believe me?”
“Why wouldn’t they? He’s been harassing you for years and—”
“Exactly! They’d take one look at me and see what everyone else sees. Just some jaded fag who loves attention and has a chip on his shoulder toward the people who bully him.
“They’d ask around about Eric just to fill in paperwork, and they’d learn that he’s a heterosexual male who’s always had a girlfriend. Sure, he can be violent and he likes to beat me up sometimes for being gay, but they’d never believe that he’d actually want to fuck a guy, let alone rape one!
“Then they’d ask people about me, and you know what they’d tell them. I blew half the basketball team because it got me off and fucked a guy who had a different boyfriend for a year. I like starting fights and causing trouble, so of course I’d make shit up to get my bully in trouble.” My voice broke. “Sure, Ben, I see that investigation going swimmingly for me, don’t you?”
His face fell. “I would stand by you. I was a witness. I’d help.”
“It’s still just our word against his.”
“But he—” Ben paused before forcing the words through his lips “He assaulted you.”
“Or maybe he didn’t,” I said, the words turning to ash on my tongue. “Maybe we were role-playing because I get off on that kind of shit. Maybe I’d asked him to play into my fantasy but got embarrassed when you caught us, so I went along with you. Or maybe none of it even happened; maybe he’d never been in that bathroom in the first place, and we made it all up.”
We both knew it wasn’t the truth, but without physical evidence of either assault, the lawyers would pounce on the idea. They would rip us apart and claim we were troublemakers with a vendetta. Nothing would change, and we would both get dragged through the mud before it was over.
“But we’d be telling the truth,” he murmured.
“Perception is ninety percent of reality. Innocent people go to jail all the time because they’re the wrong gender or color, because they’re jobless or homeless. And other people get away with murder because they’re rich or beautiful or charismatic.” I squared my shoulders, blinking away the burn in my eyes. “The truth doesn’t change anything.”
For a moment, he looked positively gutted. “But it should.”
“It doesn’t.”
Ben lowered his hands and stepped away from me. His retreat left me colder than the November air ever could.
A wave of exhaustion crashed over me, and I collapsed against Mabel, legs shaking with residual traces of adrenaline. I was aware of the danger I’d been in less than an hour ago, but it was a vague, detached sort of feeling.
It would hit me later, I was sure, but for now, I was okay. I was safe. I was with Ben, and nothing could touch me. I was with Ben, and I didn’t need to be afraid.
“Let’s just go.” I gestured for him to get in my truck. “I’ll drive you back to your car, and we can just forget about this.”
Approaching me slowly, he tentatively cupped my chin, thumb brushing over my bottom lip. “I know you want to pretend that none of this happened, but I can’t do that. If he hurts you again, I’ll never forgive myself.”
My throat clicked as I swallowed thickly. “Then I guess I’ll have to forgive you enough for the both of us.”
He withdrew from me, his fingers leaving a trail of sparks across my jaw. “I don’t know if that’ll be enough.”
“It will be,” I said.
After a beat of expectant silence, I opened the truck door. “Come on. Let’s go.”
“We’re going to my house,” he said, leaving no room for an argument.
“Why?”
“We both know your dad’s working, and there’s no way in hell I’m letting you go home alone tonight.” He put his hands on his hips and set his jaw. “You’re staying with me.”
It was all I really wanted, to stay with him. For as long as he’d let me, I just wanted to stay.
I nodded and said, “Okay. Let’s go get your car.”
The drive back to the school was short, and I pulled up next to Ben’s car and let the truck idle. He didn’t get out right away. He stared out the windshield, jaw working.
He didn’t look at me, but his fingers crept across the bench seat until they captured mine. “You’d tell me if he hurt you. Right?”
“He didn’t,” I lied again. “I’m fine.”
He looked at me then, and I felt the weight of it on my skin. Hesitantly, I turned and met his tortured gaze. His blue eyes searched my face for answers I wasn’t ready to give yet, but he accepted my lie with a nod.
“I can’t help if you don’t let me.” He squeezed my hand until it hurt. “You don’t have to do this alone, Si.”
“I’m used to being alone, Ben,” I whispered.
Scooting across the seat, he settled himself beside me, our hands still clasped between us. When he cupped my face and lowered his head, I thought for a bewildering moment that he was going to kiss me. He didn’t. He simply rested his forehead on mine and breathed my oxygen.
I should have pulled away, but I couldn’t fight this anymore. I was in too deep now. I’d never even stood a chance.
“You’re not alone.” He angled his head, and I inhaled sharply as his lips brushed over my cheek. I trembled as his eyes shuttered closed, his spearmint breath whispering over my parted lips. “Not anymore.”
Something shifted in the air between us, like a stubborn puzzle piece finally slotting into place, and I recognized immediately the precariousness of our new position. We balanced along a thin line, a tightrope strung out across a bottomless chasm, and one misstep would send us tumbling over. I didn’t understand exactly what would happen if we fell, but I was overcome with the inexplicable desire to jump.
If I did, I sure hoped Ben was there to catch me. I didn’t want to fall alone.