Chapter 30
30
Hours later , we lay in bed, our arms and legs tangled as night fell and snow continued to blanket the ground.
The trip back to the McMansion had been a blur. The Wardens had left us almost immediately, which was shocking. Things had most definitely changed if they were now willing to leave a demon and, well, whatever I was alone in their sanctuary, even if they were standing guard outside the sitting room.
No one stopped us when we left, and I hadn’t seen Zayne. Only Nicolai and Dez had been visible when we exited the room. I was in no shape to fly the friendly skies, so we ended up having Cayman pick us up.
He’d been overly excited at the idea of playing chauffeur.
I lay on my side, the front of my body pressed against Roth’s. I was curled around him and his hand slid up and down my spine in a continuous, smooth caress. Since the moment he’d walked into the sitting room at the compound, there hadn’t been one second where we weren’t touching one another.
And only a handful of seconds had passed between the moment we’d stepped into the bedroom and when our clothing ended up in a forgotten pile on the floor. Again, there had been little said between us, but what we felt for one another was expressed in each brush of our fingertips, sweep of our lips and in the way we moved against one another.
I wasn’t sure how much time had passed after our hearts slowed and the fine sheen of sweat cooled on our skin.
The tips of his fingers followed the line of my spine. “I went to Hell looking for you.”
I lifted my chin, peering up at him from when I was snuggled up against his chest. “You did? Roth, that was so dangerous. They could’ve kept you.”
He looked down at me, dark eyebrow raised. “I thought you were dead. The last thing I was worried about was the Boss throwing my ass in the pit. And as it turns out, I was in such a pathetic way, the Boss took pity on me, and just tossed my ass out of Hell after telling me you weren’t there.”
Resting my hand above his heart, I felt it beat strongly before I spoke. “Still, it was dangerous.”
“I was… I was desperate.” His hand made another trip up my back. “I’ve never felt that before. I mean, when that asshole Warden stabbed you, I felt fear, tasted it for the very first time when you were in my arms and I thought you might die, but this was so much stronger. It was different. When I woke up that night and you were gone, I knew… I just knew what you’d done, and I wasn’t even mad at you for it. I was too damn afraid to feel anger at first.” He tipped his chin back, staring at the ceiling as he swallowed hard. “Some kind of missive went out from Hell. Like a freaking text message, saying that the Lilin was dead—actually, it was a text message. A group text message to every demon topside. I saw it on my phone when I got out of bed.”
For some horrible reason, I had the urge to laugh. Hell sent text messages—group ones at that? It kind of fit, since there was nothing worse than being on the receiving end of a group message—sort of like being held hostage. But nothing was fun about any of what Roth was telling me.
“The moment I read that text, I swear my heart stopped. I left the room and found Cayman downstairs. The look on his face confirmed it. You were gone and I… I couldn’t deal with that. That’s when I went to Hell, but you weren’t there, and I thought…you’d gone up there . And that made sense. That no matter what ran in your blood, you would end up there.” His hand stilled midway down my back. “But up there, you were totally out of my reach. Forever.”
My heart broke when his voice cracked. “I’m a demon, Layla. I’m a selfish prick. Even though I thought you’d ascended to a place like that, I couldn’t ever get to you. Never again. I wanted to be happy for that, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t deal. These six days you’ve been gone, I…” He cleared his throat as he lowered his chin. His eyes were open and there was that painful glossiness heightening the amber color. “There was nothing but anger and pain. It wasn’t fair. Not for us. It wasn’t fair, and when the anger finally faded away, I was dead inside, Layla. That’s the damn truth. I was dead inside.”
Tears blinded me. “I’m sorry. I did that to you and I’m so sorry—”
Roth shifted and suddenly we were both on our sides, facing one another and at eye level. The hand on my back ended up along the nape of my neck. “There is a huge part of me that wants to throttle you—old-school strangle you, but with love.”
My brows climbed up my forehead.
“There’s a huge part of me that wants to rage at you for making the choice that you made. There’s a ginormous part of me that wants to shake you until you understand that you made a decision that broke me.” His hand tightened at the back of my head. “You broke me, Layla.”
Emotion clogged my throat. “I… I didn’t have another choice.”
Bright eyes fixed on mine. “And you know what? That’s the part that killed me the most. You didn’t have a choice. I get that. I got that then, and you know, there was a part of me that understood it the moment we spoke to the seer, but I didn’t want to accept it. Maybe if I did then we could’ve faced this together. So you…you wouldn’t have done it alone.”
“No,” I whispered, placing my hand on his cheek. “There was nothing that you could’ve done. You’re not at fault for any of this.”
His gaze searched mine as if he was looking for a hint of insincerity, and when he didn’t see it, his eyes drifted shut. “The thing is, Layla, even though there are parts of me that feel that way, it does nothing to touch the elation of holding you in my arms, the thrill that comes along with feeling your heart beat and hearing each breath you take. That’s what matters most.”
Roth was giving me a pass. There was no doubt in my mind he wanted to lay into me, but he got why I had to do what I’d done and he was letting it go. He never ceased to amaze me with his very un-demon-like tendencies. He’d once said that people with the purest souls could be capable of the greatest evil, and I knew that worked both ways, especially when it came to him. I might not be able to see a soul around him and everyone might say he didn’t have one, but at his core, he was better than most humans and Wardens I knew.
His lashes lifted as he slid his fingers out from my hair and followed the curve of my jaw to my mouth. He dragged his thumb along my lower lip. “I wish you hadn’t had to be by yourself. You must have been so scared.”
I’d been terrified, but I didn’t think he needed to know that. “You couldn’t have been there with me,” I told him quietly. “You would’ve never allowed it to happen.”
“True,” he remarked. “What… How did it go down?”
I searched his face. “Do you really want to know?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I do.”
Drawing in a deep breath, I moved my hand to his bare chest. “As soon as I left here, the Lilin found me. I guess he knew I’d come to him eventually, but to join him. And he’s… He really is a he. I asked that he show me who he was. First, he shifted into me. Like I was looking into a mirror.”
“You are nothing like that thing,” Roth ground out.
My lips slipped into a small smile. “I know. He finally showed himself. He kind of looked like me, if I was a dude. It was weird. Maybe not, since he really was sort of my brother. I have a really messed-up family.”
He snorted. “Shortie, that is one thing I can understand.”
I arched a brow. “I stabbed him in the heart. He didn’t see it coming.” At that point, I left out the gory details surrounding the whole dying part. “I ended up in this bizarre, in-between place. I saw… I saw my mother again.”
Shock splashed across his striking face. “What?”
“It really wasn’t her. More like her spirit. All of us were connected—are connected. When the Lilin died and I was dying, she was able to come to me.” I paused, frowning. “She was kind of a bitch. Again.”
Roth let out a surprised laugh. “I could’ve told you that.”
I narrowed my eyes at him, but told him what Lilith had said to me. “She talked to me for a little bit, and then the world started falling apart around me. I thought I heard her say that she had loved me when she’d first held me as a baby, but I’m not sure. That really doesn’t match everything else she said to me.
“Anyway, Lilith told me that I was dying and it felt like… It felt like I blinked and then I was in the tree house. It didn’t feel like days had passed. Maybe minutes, at the most an hour or so. I didn’t think I’d get this—a second chance. I’m still not sure how I did.”
Pain flickered over his face, and it resonated within me. His voice was low when he spoke. “I never thought I’d see you again. That I’d spend an eternity wanting you—mourning you. I could’ve dealt with that if I knew you were alive and happy. It would’ve been hard. I probably would’ve spent a lot of time banging my head off a wall if you ended up with Stony.” He paused. “And I probably would’ve also been a creepy stalker keeping tabs on you. I mean, I’m a demon. What does anyone expect? But as hard as that would have been on me, I could bear it because you would’ve been alive.”
Turning my head, I kissed his palm. “This isn’t some kind of dream or hallucination, is it?”
“I don’t think so, but if that’s the case, I don’t want to wake up from it.” His nose brushed mine as he spoke. “I could spend forever like this.”
I bit down on my lip, knowing so much more still needed to be said. “It was so hard leaving your bed—leaving you. I want you to know that. I didn’t do it lightly. It hurt, Roth, and it was the hardest thing I’d ever had to do. All I could’ve hoped was that one day you’d forgive me and find some sort of peace, because I had to do it. I had to…”
“You needed to…save the world,” he said softly. “And you did. Look at you, you little hero, saving mankind from the apocalypse.”
“I guess I did.” That felt weird to think, to believe in. I kind of felt like someone owed me a lifetime supply of sugar-cookie dough, my favorite thing in the world to eat. “This is going to sound terrible to admit, but when I…well, after everything happened and I was lying there, I thought that saving the world really wasn’t worth it, because I—”
“I get what you’re saying. You don’t even need to finish the sentence, and no, it doesn’t make you a terrible person. If I’d had my way, we’d be lounging in some far-off island as the world around us went to shit.”
“No, you wouldn’t have left.”
A single dark brow rose. “You give me too much credit, Layla. That’s exactly what I was planning. I was pretty much going to kidnap you and whisk you away. I figured we could survive, even against the Alphas, while drinking mojitos and getting a suntan. We’d try at least, and I was willing to watch the world burn if that meant being there with you to watch it. I wouldn’t have sacrificed you. My…compassion for others, with the exception of you, does not run that deep.”
He was being honest and he was a demon, so it wasn’t really like I could fault him for any of that.
“So that was all with Lilith?” He smoothed his thumb along my cheek. When I nodded, he frowned. “I don’t understand. How did you get back here?”
“You mean how am I alive?”
His lips pursed. “I was trying to avoid saying that, so I didn’t sound ungrateful or anything.”
“I don’t know how, Roth. I was wondering if you did something. Made another deal, maybe?”
“I tried. Went to the witches, but they said there was nothing they could do,” he explained. “I did get to see Bambi. Well, Bambi peeled herself off that woman the moment I showed up. It was… I needed to see her then.” He took a deep breath. “I didn’t do this, Layla. Trust me. If I could gloat about saving you, I would be all over that, but this… I had nothing to do with this.”
“Then who?” I whispered.
He gave a little shake of his head. “I don’t know. Had to be a higher being. Maybe the Alphas?”
I snort-laughed. Real attractive, but I couldn’t help it. “Doubtful. They hate me. They probably threw a pizza party in the clouds when they learned I was gone.”
“Pizza party?” he murmured, the corner of his lips tipping up slightly. “More like a kegger.”
“Thanks.”
That slight grin grew a little more as he lifted his gaze to mine. “You know what? Doesn’t matter. You’re here. That’s all that matters to me.”
I wasn’t sure if it did matter who saved me, but there was a part of me that still worried, because what if some random creature came to collect, like the witches had? I didn’t like the idea of someone showing up to demand payment at any given time.
Unless it had been Castiel, because I was totally cool with him rising me up from perdition if that was what happened.
Roth guided my head back and he kissed me, lingering in a way that made my toes curl. “Right now, all I want to think about is the fact that you’re here. That’s all I can focus on.” He caught my lower lip in a quick, delicious little nip. “If someone or something comes knocking one day looking for payback, we’ll face it together.”
Wiggling so our bodies were pressed close, I buried my face against his chest. “Together,” I whispered.
“Together,” he repeated. “Never again will you have to face anything like that alone. No matter what. I’m going to be glued to your freaking hip if need be.”
For the first time since I woke up in the tree house, an acute tension eased out of my muscles and I smiled. Even during all the beautiful, hands-on welcome home Roth had given me, I hadn’t really smiled. I’d done a lot of other things, but now, as he kissed the top of my head, all I could do was beam.
No matter what, we would face anything that came our way together.
Roth rolled me onto my back. Hovering over me with his weight supported on powerful arms, he grinned that one-sided grin that used to infuriate me to no end. But now it was a glimpse of the Roth I fell in love with; the Roth I was going to do my damnedest to spend eternity with.