22. Because You Love Me
22
Because You Love Me
Mom left Sunday afternoon. She’d asked to stay, but while we were toeing along the line of forgiveness, I still wasn’t ready. It had been a hard conversation. For both of us.
She wanted to be here for me, to help me through my grief, to take care of me in a way she hadn’t since I was a kid. And that little boy wanted her to. But I wasn’t that little boy, not entirely.
To protect my heart, I asked her to leave. She’d cried—we both might have cried—but she’d accepted it.
She gave me her phone number, a crumpled up piece of paper that she placed into my palm, ensuring that my fingers curled around it.
She said, “Can I call you?”
I said, “How about I call you?”
Again, it wasn’t the answer she was hoping for, but she nodded.
“I hope—” she cut herself off, chin quivering slightly. “I’ll look forward to your call.”
As Will loaded her suitcase into her rental car, I stayed on the porch, leaning on my cane. Cora’s wispy arm was wrapped around my waist, and Ben’s hand was a pleasant weight on the back of my neck.
Mom climbed the porch steps and awkwardly embraced Cora. “I hope we see each other soon,” she said, and Cora offered a small smile.
Moving on to me, her hands fisted at her sides. She wanted to hug me, but I didn’t think I could handle that. Instead, she reached out and framed my biceps.
“I know you don’t want my help, and that’s okay. Just don’t forget that it’s there, if you need it.” Her throat clicked. “I’m here, if you need me.”
I nodded. “I’ll text you.”
Her smile wobbled. “That would be wonderful.”
I could feel her yearning for more, but after a squeeze to my upper arms, she let me go.
“Thank you for taking care of my son,” she said to Ben, and he dipped his chin.
Like she couldn’t help herself, she touched my arm one last time before she descended the porch steps. Will hugged her, bending down to eliminate the height difference, and she cupped the back of his head, whispering something that sounded like, “Your dad would be so proud of you,” into his ear.
Sniffing, Will joined us on the porch, taking Cora’s hand in his. Ben’s grip on the back of my neck tightened as I watched my mother round the nose of the car. She opened the driver’s door and looked up at us.
She raised a stiff hand in farewell. Will and Cora waved back. I couldn’t make my hand move.
But before she lowered herself into the car, I found myself saying, “Bye, Mom.”
Another brick in the new foundation.
That quaking smile was back, bigger than before, as she said, “Bye, Silas.”
Then she was behind the wheel and backing out of the driveway. We stood on the porch until her car disappeared around the corner.
After dinner, I packed my backpack for school tomorrow and headed to Ben’s for the night. Will had postured, but it had been weak at best. None of us had privacy when we shared a bathroom, and I had a feeling Will and Cora would enjoy having a night to themselves.
Plus, Ben—being as charming as he was—had already started to wriggle his way past Will’s defenses. Even my brother couldn’t help but like my boyfriend.
Not that it mattered. Even if Will didn’t want me sleeping at Ben’s, he couldn’t stop me. But it was nice to see him warming up to Ben all the same.
When we arrived, Aunt June fussed over me for a few minutes, but we retired to Ben’s room quickly.
“Don’t stay up too late. It’s a school night,” she called after us as Ben helped me down the stairs. “And please be mindful of Silas’s hip if you decide to… enjoy each other.”
“Aunt June!” Ben cried, face flushing red instantly. “Oh my God.”
I laughed hysterically.
“We’ll enjoy each other carefully, I promise,” I shouted back through my laughter as Ben tried and failed to cover my mouth with his hand.
Practically carrying me into his room, he shut the door and leaned against it. With a groan, he buried his face in his hands.
“That was mortifying.”
Still cackling, I limped across his bedroom and rested my cane against his nightstand. “That was amazing.”
I lowered myself to the bed and leaned back on my hands. Ben glared at me, and I waggled my eyebrows.
“So, do you want to come enjoy me, Ben?”
“No,” he said flatly, and I pouted.
“You’re no fun.”
We had yet to enjoy anything since we’d officially gotten back together, and since we finally had some privacy, I was hoping he’d at least want to jerk off together.
But he was constantly worried about my bum leg, so I feared my hope was for naught.
“We could, you know?” I said, smiling in a way I hoped was alluring.
Ben didn’t look particularly allured. “We have school tomorrow, and it’s been kind of a stressful day.”
“So let’s destress,” I said, lying back seductively, only to hiss when my hip twinged painfully. “Goddammit, don’t read into that! I can do this.”
Laughing, he crossed the room and planted his fists on either side of my thighs. “How about we take a shower and go to bed.”
I grinned lecherously. “Like a sexy shower?”
“Like a get-you-clean-so-you-don’t-stink-up-my-bed shower,” he said with a teasing smirk.
I’d never been more offended in my life. I smacked his chest as hard as I could, and he oomphed out a laugh.
“I don’t stink, you asshole! I have excellent hygiene.”
Ben danced away from my fists, giggling like a naughty kid, and for a moment, it felt like before. Before our lives had been torn apart by pain and loss. He was giggling, cheeks flushed with mischief, ocean eyes swirling playfully. I couldn’t help but beam at him.
“You’re so beautiful,” I said, and Ben’s humor faded.
“Trying to sweet-talk me now?”
I shook my head. “Just being honest.”
And he melted, returning to the edge of the bed where he dipped his head and kissed me. It was sweet and soft. Then it deepened, and arousal bubbled to life in my stomach. I accepted his tongue into my mouth, and he shuddered as I sucked on it.
“Silas, we shouldn’t—”
“Why?” I kissed along his jaw, and he swallowed thickly.
“I don’t want to hurt you.” His hand landed on my waist, sliding down to rub my hip.
I huffed. “I’m not that breakable.”
I could see the war on his face, and I heaved a long-suffering sigh. When I pushed on his chest, he stepped back, giving me enough room to stand up. Without my cane, my limp was more pronounced, but I ignored the ache as I tugged my shirt off and dropped it to the ground.
“I’m gonna shower,” I said as I shucked my sweats off and let them slump to the floor. I stepped out of them, sending Ben a lascivious smile over my shoulder. “You gonna join me?”
Without awaiting an answer, I shimmied out of my underwear—trying to be as sexy as possible while also not losing my balance and falling on my ass—and headed into the bathroom. I must have accomplished a certain level of seduction because Ben groaned deep in his throat at the sight of my nudity.
I heard him follow me as I leaned in and turned on the shower. For some reason, Ben’s shower was a finicky bitch, and I had to play with the temperature gauge for far too long to make sure it neither burned my flesh off nor froze me on impact.
By the time it was a nice warm temperature, Ben had undressed and stood hovering behind me. I felt the heat of him, and I swallowed thickly when the tip of his finger traced the dimples above my ass.
He steadied me as I climbed into the shower, following behind as I ducked under the hot spray. The still healing gash on the side of my head stung, but when Ben ran his hands through my wet strands, I groaned in encouragement.
Using his spring soap shampoo, he washed my hair, massaging my scalp as I went utterly pliant beneath his amazing hands. I leaned back against his body, feeling him respond to the press of slick skin and heat. I couldn’t stop myself from wiggling my ass against him, forcing a choked moan out of him.
After he rinsed my hair, I turned us around and lathered soap between my hands until I could cover him in suds. We cleaned each other— thoroughly —and when I dropped my soapy fingers between our bodies, he finally gave in, framing my face and feeding his moan into my mouth.
I swallowed his pleasured noises, working my hands between us until we were both out of breath. My legs were shaking—from the exertion of standing in one position for so long and the pleasure vibrating through my extremities.
“If we keep this up,” I gasped against his hungry lips, “I’m gonna fall.”
With a dark chuckle, Ben forced my hands away from his groin and let the water wash away the suds. Squeaky clean in every sense of the word, we stumbled out of the shower, locked at the lips.
It made drying off difficult, but Ben—who’d been so cautious ten minutes ago—was impatient. Still wet, he wrapped his arms around my waist and lifted me until only my toes dragged along the floor. I laughed into his mouth as he carried me toward his bed.
“We have to be careful,” he mumbled between desperate kisses, and I nodded.
“Yeah, okay. You can do all the work. I’ll just lay back and enjoy.”
“How selfless of you,” he deadpanned as he gently pushed me back on the bed.
My left leg felt heavy and unwieldy as I scooched backward until my back was against his headboard. Gathering supplies, Ben tossed them my way before he crawled onto the bed after me.
Swinging a leg over my lap, he settled on my thighs, skin still damp and flushed from the shower. I rubbed his sides as he leaned down to kiss me. His weight in my lap sent my heart rate skyrocketing, and I ignored the dull ache that took up residence in my hip. For Ben, I’d ache forever.
His tongue tangled with mine as his fingers delved into my hair. I barely held back a flinch when his thumb grazed the edge of my freshly closed wound. Of course, he caught the tightening of my muscles and gentled his touch.
“You’re beautiful, Silas,” he murmured, planting little pecks on my lips, my cheeks, my nose. “Every single part of you is beautiful.”
“I love you,” I said in response, and he beamed at me.
We took our time after that, reacquainting ourselves with each other’s bodies. Ben mapped my body with his callused hands, and I rediscovered every dip and valley of muscle and bone. He worked his hand between us as I prepped him. Then there was the slick condom and a hurried flurry of rearranging.
“Ready for me?” Ben purred in my ear, and I gasped out a laugh.
“Yeah, baby, I’m ready for you. But are you ready for me ?”
In answer, he scooted closer, rose onto his knees, and—
“Oh fuck.” My head fell back, fingers digging into his waist as I forced myself to remain entirely unmoving.
He said, “Oh.”
He said, “Wow.”
He said, “Silas.”
And I thought, yes and yes and yes .
After, once Ben had discarded the condom and half-heartedly cleaned us both up, we lay tangled on his bed, naked bodies entwined. The position wouldn’t be comfortable very long before my hip protested, but for now, it was perfect. Our noses brushed, and his hand made leisurely strokes along my waist and back.
“I was thinking of going to California for a few weeks after graduation,” I said, breaking the comfortable silence, and Ben’s eyes blinked open.
“Oh?”
“To visit Will and meet the baby. I thought…” I touched the dip of his throat. “I thought you could come with me. We could rent a room or something and stay awhile.”
“That sounds nice. I’d like to meet your niece.”
My chest warmed. “Uncle Ben.”
“Shut up.” Our foreheads met, and we kissed nice and easy. “We could maybe visit my mom. If you wanted to.”
His words were so quiet I almost missed them, and my heart twisted. “Yeah, of course. I’d like that.”
As if he’d been prepared for another answer, he relaxed and smiled. “Good. I’d like that too.”
At some point, Ben turned off the light and we cuddled under his blankets as sleep teased along my senses.
“Thank you,” I mumbled, turning to press a kiss to his forehead.
His breath fanned over my collarbone as he asked, “For what?”
It took me an extra second to answer, swallowing around a lump in my throat. “For not giving up on me.”
With a shiver, he wrapped himself impossibly tighter around me. “I’ll never give up on you.”
“Because you love me,” I said.
It wasn’t a question, but he answered me anyway. “Because I love you.”
And I believed him.
I would never understand why he chose me, but I would love him with everything I had. Because Ben was everything , and I would never let him go again.