Exactly As You Are (Love in Louisville #1)

Chapter 22

22

T he rest of June and the beginning of July were another blur of work, helping to take care of Ben and her dad, and inserting plastic instruments into her body in the hopes she could eventually replace them with a person.

She’d just left the pool, where she and Lucas had met up with Gwen. Things were strange between her and Lucas. They’d avoided more conversations about their experiment, but a new line of taut tension connected them like a cable, drawing their eyes to one another and creating a sexy new undercurrent to their conversations. She had no idea how they were going to proceed. They’d already crossed lines, but perhaps they could still turn back and break the tense holding pattern. No one wanted to make the first move, lest that person ruin everything.

Her phone buzzed in her car’s cup holder. When she saw it was Maria, she plucked it out.

“Hey.”

They gabbed for a bit, then Maria quieted. Before she knew Maria well, she’d filled their silences with chatter, but she’d learned to give her some time to gather her thoughts.

“Are you doing anything this afternoon? I was thinking we could get a coffee if you’re free.”

It was her day off, and her original plan involved running an errand before picking up Ben for the ice cream she’d promised him.

“I’m not busy,” she said instead. “Just tell me where.”

Joan only had to drive a few miles to meet Maria at a local coffee shop. She smiled at her as she stepped inside. Maria sat at a small table, alternating between looking anxious and peering down at her half-eaten blueberry muffin.

Joan ordered an iced latte and joined her at the small table. Maria favored colorful headbands and that day she wore a cerulean blue one. Plum lipstick glossed her lips and a white tank hugged her petite frame. Despite her flawless appearance, the twisting of her hands betrayed her distress.

“You look fabulous,” Joan said. “What have you been up to?”

“I just had lunch with another friend, actually. I’m a regular social butterfly today.”

“Anyone I know?” Joan smiled at her. “Sorry, I’m being nosy.”

“Octavia. You’ve met all my other friends.” She smiled back at her. “But I’ve got work tonight, so I haven’t done much other than lunch and now meeting you. It’s been a rough week. We had a young guy in the ER right last night. Horrible accident. We weren’t sure if he was going to make it.” She shook her head, and Joan knew how she felt. She’d faced death quite often as a nurse. “The kid’s family was understandably distraught, but also hostile and angry with staff, and not able to accept that we can’t give them definite answers. I give people a pass in that situation, but it still makes me feel like a punching bag.”

“I hear you. Sometimes I’m just a convenient outlet for the rage of those who are hurting. But also, I’m a human being. I don’t think our patients always see us that way.”

“Well, at least you don’t have social anxiety,” Maria offered a weak laugh. “Trials and tribulations of the introverted nurse.”

“Eh. I’m more neurotic than you think.”

Maria’s eyes flicked to Joan’s bare shoulders. “I see you’ve been working on your tan.”

Joan extended her arm to examine it. “I’ve been at the pool with Gwen. Not that she was in the sun at all.” Gwen had skin so pale the blue of her veins stood out against it, and she treated outdoor excursions with the caution of someone approaching nuclear radiation.

“I’m familiar with her beekeeper routine.” Maria giggled.

Joan sat quietly for a moment. It was difficult, but she was going to let Maria bring up whatever bothered her. She was like a rubber band—if you pulled too hard at her secrets, they snapped back and you never got the chance to hear them.

Maria finally sighed. “I wanted to talk to you about something.” Her eyes were a little shiny, but she blinked a few times and the moisture disappeared.

“Sure.” Joan tried not to sound too eager, but failed. “I’m not sure you’ve ever asked me for anything. Like, I’ve literally never handed you a pen. And you’re one of my best friends.”

“I’m certain I’ve asked you for things,” Maria said, laughing. “I just need to talk, though. About Jay.”

“Of course.”

Maria sat back, crossing her hands over her stomach. “I never told you the whole reason why we broke up.” The words tumbled out. “So I got pregnant. And had a miscarriage.”

“Oh, Maria. I had absolutely no idea.” Her chest tightened and she closed her eyes, wrecked over the idea that this huge thing had happened and Maria had been dealing with it alone. Or maybe she was jumping to conclusions, and she’d already confided in her sister or one of her other close friends, or the miscarriage itself hadn’t been the life altering thing she imagined. “How did you feel about it?”

“I was surprised at how emotional it made me,” Maria said. “I wasn’t that far along. I went back to work after a week, and I was so sad and exhausted. Having to grin and pretend I was okay.”

“I’m so sorry, Maria.” Joan folded her hands together. “It’s such a private pain. It’s like people don’t want to talk about how often it happens.”

“That’s definitely true for me.” Maria’s mouth stretched into a sad smile. “The part about hiding pain, anyway. The problem was that Jay was extremely relieved. And part of me was too, honestly. We hadn’t planned it. I had this awful stomach bug and skipped a few birth control pills, or else threw them up, and so it shouldn’t have been a huge surprise, but it was. And the thing is, once I got over the shock, I was happy. I mean, we’re settled and have great jobs. We were planning to marry at some point. Our families aren’t too far away, and we both have siblings we see pretty often. We would have been good parents.”

Joan’s chest constricted again. She could feel what approached like an oncoming freight train.

“Jay doesn’t want kids,” Maria said. “Like, at all, ever. When we were younger, he said he wasn’t sure, but this made him realize he doesn’t ever want them. He was prepared to raise one with me if he had to. Which, I hate I was an obligation. Or the baby would have been an obligation, I mean.” She sniffed several times, again seeming to blink back tears. “And this experience made me realize that I do want kids. And that’s just too big a thing to overcome.”

Joan had a moment to wonder if Lucas wanted kids, though she wasn’t sure why he popped into her mind. But of course he would. He thrived with kids and he was a playful, Disney loving man.

“What an awful position to be put in.” Joan studied Maria, trying to gauge what she might want at that moment. Actual advice or a sympathetic ear? “So he would have raised the baby with you, then? Is that what you meant when you said he was a good man, but not your man?”

Maria nodded. “We would have stayed together, I think. And I know he would have loved the child. But once he told me his actual feelings on the matter, things were too broken to go back.” She rested her chin in her hands. “He’s called a few times, though. I miss him. I think he feels the same way.”

So this was where she was stuck, Joan thought. In post-break up regret nostalgia.

“I wouldn’t ever tell you what to do,” Joan said. “But the kids thing is pretty huge. It’s not like an argument over whether you want to live in St. Matthews or Highlands. Whether or not to have kids is fundamental stuff.”

“I know. I do.” She buried her face in her palms. “I think I just needed to hear you say it. Someone else who could look at the situation and tell me to get it together.”

“It’s normal to miss someone when you break up. It’s like grieving, in a way. There’s a separation anxiety to it.” She drummed her fingers on the table, trying to organize her thoughts. “If you miss him that much, though, I also think it’s okay to get back together. You would just have to decide if you’d be willing to give up your dream to have kids, because it’s not something I would expect someone to compromise on. And you can’t count on him changing his mind.”

“I’ve been going back and forth.” Maria lifted her head again. “I almost went over to his apartment last night.” She looked away. “But then, there were other ways we weren’t compatible, either. I’m trying to keep those in mind.”

Joan waited to see if she had anything else to add. The whir of a cappuccino maker punctuated the protracted silence. The sun’s rays fell across their table, giving Maria’s dark hair a reddish tint.

“If you decide you want to stay apart but you still have a relapse, I think that’s understandable,” Joan said. “Plenty of people hook up with exes. But I support you whatever you want to do. I don’t think there’s a wrong way to deal with this. You have to examine what’s most important to you.”

“I do think I made the right decision. It’s so hard, though. I think, like I said, I just wanted some affirmation. I need to say things out loud sometimes.”

“Well, I’m glad to do that. Anything you need.”

Maria finished off the last of her iced drink. “Thank you,” she said, and that was that, Joan thought. Maria was nothing if not tidy with her heartache. “So tell me how you’re doing. How’s your family?”

Joan’s mind reeled a little from the subject change, but she recovered. She wasn’t going to push Maria.

“Well, Dad’s stubborn as an ox. Thinks he can fend for himself, and that he doesn’t need to, you know, sit down on a shower seat for safety. He’s stir crazy, too. Ben’s had some difficulty with the weight bearing precautions. I think pacing is one of his, like, stim behaviors. But I got him some new books, and he seemed happy with that.”

Maria nodded along. “They are lucky to have you.”

“It’s not just me.” Joan’s face heated. “They have Mom. Plus Christine and Wyatt, and they’re getting home health, which has helped a ton. I’m not even doing that much.”

“Right.” Maria narrowed her gaze. “And are you taking care of yourself, too? How’s your treatment going?”

“I’m doing it every night,” Joan said, and Maria guffawed. “It’s been super effective, actually. I’m making real progress.” She leaned forward. “Can I tell you a secret, though? It’s a super juicy one.”

Maria leaned forward, looking excited for the first time since sitting down.

“You know me,” she said. “I’m a vault.”

“It involves Lucas.”

Maria emitted a small squeal, which for her was as demonstrative as getting up and dancing. Joan told her about her potential experiment with him.

“That is some hot tea. But honestly, I’m not surprised. We’ve had discussions about your chemistry with him.”

“Seriously? Kendall said something about it, too. I had no idea you all thought that.”

“Well, yeah. And not just because you’re close friends of the opposite sex. It’s that there’s something,” she gestured vaguely toward the air, “simmering there.”

“Huh. Well, this is the first time we’ve ever explored it.” Joan pursed her lips, then spoke again. “So what do you think? Would it be a bad idea? Can we still be friends if we go down that path?”

“Well, I’ll tell you the same thing you told me. Just be very cautious. Lucas is a great guy, but he doesn’t really think through the consequences of things. And it might be harder than you think to go back to normal, if you don’t want a relationship.” She laid a finger on her chin. “Or do you want a relationship?”

“Lucas does make a wonderful boyfriend,” she said cautiously. “But no, I don’t think we would be right for each other in that way. He seems to love trying on and discarding relationships, so I’m afraid he would get bored and then he would hurt me. Or I would hurt him, I don’t know. I don’t feel like it’s the same risk with just a physical relationship, but maybe I’m being reckless.” She grinned. “It’s just, it feels good to be reckless.”

“Exactly,” Maria said. “That’s where I’m at. And cheers to bad decisions.” She touched her plastic cup to Joan’s. “I gotta go. But we’ll have a girls’ night soon, right? I kinda need them frequently right now.”

Joan hugged her when they stood. Standing a full foot taller than Maria, she had to bend down for it.

“For sure,” Joan responded. “I’ll text you.”