Exactly As You Are (Love in Louisville #1)

Chapter 29

29

L ucas knelt between her legs again, and this time Joan instructed him. He had his mouth on her, and she moved her hips with him, shamelessly chasing her own pleasure.

“Okay.” She tugged on his hair to stop him. “Can you put some lube on your finger? Like, plenty of lube. Then maybe touch the opening and I’ll see how I feel.”

He did as she asked. Once his finger was in place, she took some slow breaths, focusing on expanding her diaphragm in order to relax. She tensed up when his finger rested against her, but she let go of the tension quickly.

“Try to put it in.” That sounded so absurd and dirty she almost laughed, but then he was pushing his finger inside her gently and she went still. It pinched a little, and she knew she was getting the involuntary spasms she always got at this point.

Relax, she thought. She directed all her effort into overcoming the almost automatic instinct to clench. When she’d first started this journey, she’d never felt like she had voluntary control over her muscles, but now she could almost overcome her natural response.

Then his finger was fully inside her body. The pain was minimal and fading every moment. She wanted to weep.

“Okay,” she said again. “Don’t move your finger at all. But keep going with your tongue. Please.”

He chuckled. “Yes, ma’am.”

So he went to work again, and she fell apart after a time. She felt herself squeezing around his finger in a delicious way. There was no pain, only a bit of pressure and fullness. When he took his finger out and crawled up beside her again, she grasped his hand. To her embarrassment, tears leaked from her eyes.

“Joan? Are you okay?” His concerned face came into view.

“I can’t believe that worked,” she said. “No one’s ever done that when it didn’t hurt really bad.”

He smiled and pushed her hair back from her forehead. “No discomfort at all?”

She let loose a relieved half-laugh, half-sob.

“Only a little at the beginning, but it went away. My treatment is working.” She leaned into his touch. “Sorry. I ruined the moment.”

“You’ve got to stop apologizing during sex. You didn’t ruin anything.” He grinned. “You sure my finger isn’t magic?”

“If anything is magic, it’s my dilator set and the time I set aside for myself every week. But sure, your fingers, too.” She sniffled once, then wiped her face with the back of her hand. She kissed him. It started tenderly, turning passionate when her hand skated down his bicep, his torso, and to his inner thigh. She kept tracing patterns on his skin, deliberately teasing him.

“Ah,” he said. “Close, but not quite.”

“You sure?” She wrapped her hand around his cock, and he emitted a tortured moan.

“I swear, I’ve done this before,” he panted. “It feels like the first time.”

She moved down his chest and abdomen with her mouth, hovering over him with her ass in the air. When she made it to his erection, she gave him a slow lick, and he threw his arm across his face.

“Fuck. Fuuuck.”

She took him in her mouth, tightening her lips around him as she moved up and down, using her hands as well as her mouth. She hollowed her cheeks, still moving, and the sound that ripped from Lucas turned her insides to jelly. He was super vocal, and she loved it.

Her name tore from his throat when he came.

Afterwards, they lay together, still naked and unmoving. Lucas nuzzled at her collarbone. She made a move to get dressed, but he pinned her in place with his arm.

“Let’s stay like this. For a few more minutes at least.”

They shifted up to the head of the bed, pulling his comforter over their naked bodies. They laid together, staring at the ceiling. He seemed almost asleep when she asked her question.

“If this is all we could ever do, theoretically, do you think you would miss intercourse?” Joan studied him, hoping he would be honest with her.

“That was damn amazing. The most amazing. So I’d like to say no.”

“But?”

“If I’m being brutally honest here, and I think that’s what you are asking for, I do think I would miss it.”

Her heart plummeted, though she didn’t know why. She’d had this conversation several times with other men. He must have seen something in her face, because his expression quickly became panicked.

“It’s okay, though,” he rushed to say. He squeezed her hand, his thumb rubbing casual patterns on the back of it. “Just because I would miss something doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be fine without it. It’s like, if someone told me I could never have a cheeseburger again, but I could still eat all the other delicious food, I’d be okay. And if I loved someone, I would be happy with any intimacy.”

“So my vagina is the cheeseburger in this metaphor?”

“The most delicious cheeseburger.”

She laughed despite the needle of hurt still pricking her chest, though she knew it wasn’t totally fair to fault him. It was a shitty situation to be in.

“That’s better than other reactions I’ve gotten.” She sighed. “I know there are different types of men out there, but I’ve been so disappointed so many times. The way I feel about myself now…it’s like it’s demolished some of my worth. Which is bullshit.”

Lucas pulled her to him. “You are amazing. Full stop. And this has been, bar none, the best, sexiest month of my life.”

She threw a leg over his hip, bringing them close again. He stroked her hair, and she curled into him.

“Can I ask about the elephant in the room? Something we still haven’t talked about?”

He looked around, eyes comically wide.

“You’re ridiculous,” she said. “I’m not talking about us, either. I want to know about your family. About how you’re doing.”

He rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling. She didn’t take a breath for fear he might not talk to her.

“I’m spending time with Mom, and still not talking to Dad. No changes there.” His voice tightened. “I’m just trying to figure out how to navigate that.”

She nodded.

“I’m here if you need my help,” she said. “Any time.” She took a shaky inhale. “And the job? What’s the status there?”

“Same.” He shrugged. “It will be a year before I leave, if I do.” He found her hand and clutched her fingers to his chest.

It did make her nervous, the thought of him leaving. She knew it might be the best thing for his career, though. Hopefully she’d be able to achieve her goals before then, so it shouldn’t matter in that regard, but she still wanted his friendship.

“And what about your work situation?” He looked at her.

“Celeste is still a wretched human. Nothing new.”

He kissed her forehead. It felt boyfriend-y, but she knew he was just being nice.

“It will be okay. Even if she doesn’t get fired, we’ll figure something out.”

“Thanks for listening to me complain.” She snuggled up to him again. His body radiated warmth.

“You aren’t complaining.” He brushed his lips along her hairline again. “Asking for what you need isn’t a bad thing. Come to think of it, complaining isn’t always a bad thing, either.”

Their discussion transitioned to other things—a possible weekend trip to Cincy, college football, politics—then she put on one of his shirts. She felt like his girlfriend again, even though they weren’t headed in that direction, and she reminded herself of what their agreement entailed.

She needed to make sure she kept that in mind.

“So,” Kendall said, wiping condensation off her glass. “Anyone have fun news?”

Joan and her friends were having dinner at The Julep Club, the absolute best tapas place on the planet and an excellent location for girls’ night. It was nearly August, and their foursome enjoyed the warm evening on the patio. The outdoor dining was a special treat even as the relentless heat dragged into August.

Her mind flashed to Lucas. That would be an exciting update to share, but she still guarded it closely. Instead, she filled them in on her work situation. The others provided appropriately appalled reactions.

“You know Mike would help you if you needed it,” Maria said. Her older brother Mike was a lawyer, and quite an intimidating one at that. “I’ll call him if you want.”

“I appreciate that. I don’t think we’ve progressed to that point, but if it gets worse, I might have to talk to him.”

“Well, that wasn’t fun news at all.” Kendall pulled her plate toward her. “But I’m glad to know about it.”

“I got a raise,” Gwen said. “So that’s happier. Also, I’m learning Spanish. For real this time.”

Maria plucked a bacon wrapped date off the shared dish. “Good for you. I’ve wanted to learn another language for a while now.”

“So how are you going about that?” Joan cocked her head. She offered the last meatball to everyone else before she speared it with her fork.

“Benefits of a university healthcare system. I’m taking a class.” Gwen crunched a piece of ice. “I think languages might be my thing.”

“Ugh,” Joan said, then winced. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to rain on your parade. I’m just hoping I never have to go back to school for anything.”

Kendall shrugged next to her. “It doesn’t sound too bad,” she said. Kendall was planning to continue school herself, though she wasn’t sure what path she would take yet.

“Yes, but you’re brilliant,” Joan said. “I’m sure you’ll breeze through.”

Kendall was incredibly smart, and musically talented in addition to that. She chose nursing because she needed job security and a guaranteed decent income. Maria had always excelled in school, too, and had landed on nursing for the work life balance. Gwen mostly wanted to eschew the lure of, in her words, “unchecked greed.” Joan wasn’t unintelligent by any stretch, and she made an excellent nurse, but of the four of them, she often felt a little inferior in the academic department. She was first and foremost a sporty gal, and she’d had to work hard for her good grades.

Kendall glanced down at her food, looking uncomfortable. She tended to be loud and boisterous until you complimented her, then she sort of shut down.

“What about you?” Maria said to Kendall. “What’s new in your life?”

Kendall wrinkled her nose. “There’s a new resident in the ortho department. I went to high school with him.”

“I take it he wasn’t a friend?” Maria pushed her fuchsia headband back.

“I fucking hated him.”

Gwen sat back, hooking one arm around the back of her wrought iron chair. Her nose ring glinted in the waning sunlight. “Is it possible he’s changed? I mean, what didn’t you like about him?”

“I mean, you know high school was hell for me, right?” Kendall winced. “I was fat, which certainly makes adolescence more difficult. I was too poor to get clothes from the shops in Lexington where some of the other kids went. And you can’t imagine the bullying from having both those qualities at the same time.” She stopped and inhaled. “I did have other nerdy friends, but for some reason, I was the nerd who got picked on the most. Grant was a part of that. He was awful to me. He wasn’t the only one, but some of the stuff he said and did sticks out to me. So yeah, I hated him. I’m just glad this rotation’s not that long.”

They were all silent for a few moments. Maria laid a hand on Kendall’s.

“Fuck Grant,” Maria said with conviction. She cursed so infrequently that it always elicited a little thrill in Joan every time she did.

“Cheers to that.” Gwen held up her glass, and the rest of them clinked their cups to hers. “Fuck Grant,” they all repeated solemnly before breaking into giggles. Kendall grinned.

“I love you ladies, though. I think I just experienced the equivalent of years of therapy in the space of thirty seconds.”

“I feel like we all need therapy from high school trauma,” Gwen said. “But any time we need to shit talk about your terrible classmates, I’m here for it.” She leaned in again. “Speaking of therapy, I spent thirty minutes at my last session bitching about my family. Mom brought up my ‘disappointing career’ again last week.”

“Funny how you went to nursing school to make your family mad, and mine couldn’t be prouder of me for my accomplishments,” Kendall said.

Gwen laughed.

They were all products of quite disparate upbringings. Joan and Maria were from solidly middle-class families, though being a Black woman, Maria’s experiences had differed in key ways. Gwen had grown up in the Northeast before moving to Louisville in high school, and her family had the sort of old money Joan had trouble even comprehending. Her family had expected something “more” of her, or perhaps more traditional, but instead had produced a vaguely anti-capitalist queer lady with no aspirations beyond her nursing degree, and no interest in marriage at all. Kendall, meanwhile, was one of the first in her family to go to college, and her stories about growing up poor in Eastern Kentucky were foreign to Joan as well.

They continued chatting as the daylight faded. Music drifted out from the restaurant. They ordered new rounds of food. Joan wanted to capture the energy of the moment and bottle it for when she felt sad.

Kendall nudged Joan. “How’s the treatment?”

“Is it weird that every time we’re together, our conversations always shift to ‘hey Joan, how’s your vagina?’” Joan pushed her plate away from her, feeling full to bursting.

“Hey, we care about every part of you.”

“I’m making lots of progress.” Joan dropped her chin, having difficulty looking her friends in the eye. “The dilators I’m using are in a set of six, and I can use the fourth one with only a little pain. That’s a huge change for me. I can also stretch and move things around in there now.” Her face flamed as she thought of Lucas. They’d fooled around again, and he was able to move his finger a little when he inserted it. She’d nearly combusted with joy.

“So wait,” Maria said. “Explain that to me again. You aren’t, like, making it bigger?”

“No,” Joan said. “Or not really. Stretching probably isn’t the right word. It’s more like habituating, maybe? Training?”

“I’m envisioning ‘Eye of the Tiger’ playing while you get out your little plastic instruments,” Gwen said, and Joan threw a straw paper at her. “For your sake, I hope you can try out some sexy stuff soon.” She took in Joan’s sheepish expression. “Or have you already done that?”

“I’m not with anyone right now,” was Joan’s answer.

“That is absolutely not the question.” Gwen eyed her, and Joan imagined she was investigating each wrinkle of her brain for how exposed she felt. “There’s something going on, right?”

Joan met Maria’s stare with a minute shake of her head. The burn of the confession moved up her throat, but she couldn’t see herself announcing it to everyone yet, even though Kendall would probably be pissed when she found out.

“I’ll let you guys know when I have another boyfriend, I promise.” Which still wasn’t an answer, but it was the most she was willing to give for now. What she had with Lucas was precarious and private, and she worried others wouldn’t understand.

“I had sex with Jay.” Maria leaned back in her seat, giving Joan a sly look as she did so. Joan wanted to salute her.

Kendall’s jaw dropped. “So are you guys back together?” She sounded breathless.

Maria shook her head. “It felt sort of like a goodbye. But I’m okay with it. Honestly.”

“God, haven’t we all done that? It’s like some sort of breakup standard. You have one last tryst to help with the separation anxiety.” Gwen chuckled as she looked at Maria. “I’m glad you’re okay, though.”

Maria grinned. “I’m actually better now. Closure, maybe? Who knows?”

They all smiled for her, and no one brought up men again for the rest of the evening. They talked until the sun had sunk below the horizon, until stars dotted the clear night sky.