Chapter 32
32
L ucas couldn’t believe how much he’d fucked up his conversation with Joan. Two weeks later, it still bothered him enough to play on a loop in his mind. He never should have suggested a relationship–he’d known better, but sitting in that sticky diner with Joan, her face limned by fluorescent lights, he’d thought I could fall for my best friend. It was ill-advised, and he was caught up in the newness of it all, like always. He also couldn’t believe he’d suggested holding off on sex—what the hell was he thinking? It felt like the right thing to say at the time. Now, they were hanging out like usual, and he wanted her with a constant ache. He’d caught her looking at him with interest, too, so he knew it wasn’t just him. More than once, he’d thought he might pull her to him and kiss her.
He pondered all this as he leaned on his club. It was the middle of August and he was golfing with Jacob, Eric, and Paulo. Jacob climbed into the golf cart with Lucas.
“I got an email from the owner of the cabin,” Jacob said. “All our instructions.” They had planned a little lake trip for Labor Day with Joan and some of her friends.
“Speaking of that trip, uh, I needed to ask something from you.”
“Sure. What is it?”
“No one really knows about Joan and I yet. I kinda spilled the beans early on that one. So if you could keep it quiet, that’d be great.”
Jacob squinted at him. “So who wants it to be a secret?”
“Just, we aren’t ready for everyone to know. It’s still new.”
“You’re still just physical, you mean?”
Lucas swept a hand down his face. He never should have told Jacob. He couldn’t give him all the details because he wouldn’t betray Joan’s confidence. Jacob also wouldn’t understand how content Joan made him feel, even in a situation that should make him more anxious. Despite his ill-timed suggestion to be together, he was more at peace than ever.
“Can you keep it under wraps or not?”
“Yeah, yeah.” Jacob finished off his water. “I still don’t get it, though.”
Lucas thought this might be the deepest conversation they’d ever had on the golf course, so he steered it back to familiar waters. They were discussing the Cubs’ playoff chances when they approached the next tee box.
No one spoke much for the rest of the round, at least not about anything important. Joan called it “dude bonding,” where they all sort of orbited around each other in silence. He was going to see her later that night, but he’d mucked up their last conversation so much that he wondered if he should wait her out, put the ball back in her court.
She would tell him if she was ready to try again.