Exile’s Epilogue
EXILE’S EPILOGUE
The birth of my son awakened an avalanche of memories and regrets inside me. I was surprised by how emotional I became during the first months at home with my boy.
Mostly, I found myself missing my mom after a decade of cutting myself off from those feelings. Sure, I had said the words about missing Laverne back when Nova mourned our mom’s death. I thought I had grieved, too.
But I never truly felt that loss until the day I entered the bedroom to find Bebe cradling Little Paxton while resting next to a sleepy Lula. Witnessing that special comfort that only a mom could provide left me with a heavy heart.
Laverne would never meet the woman I loved or hold her grandson. My mom wrapped her entire world around her family, but her husbands had driven away the two people she loved the most.
“I should have pushed my way into Laverne’s life,” I told Lula one evening after everyone was asleep.
“I didn’t feel comfortable around her husband or his family, so I gave them what they wanted and went away.
That choice screwed Laverne, Nova, and me.
She might be alive if I had done things differently.
She could be here now, visiting her grandson and getting to know Dillon.
I felt like I have fucked up something I can’t fix. ”
“You were a kid when your comfortable life was ripped away from you,” Lula murmured while stroking my head as I rested my cheek against her chest. “I don’t get the sense that your family coped with what happened.
I can’t imagine how confusing it was for you as a boy to learn the man you loved was a monster to other people. ”
Lula paused to kiss my head. Her tenderness made me feel both better and worse. On one hand, she comforted me in the best way. But her affection also made me miss enjoying such comfort from my mother.
“You were taught to shove your feelings down deep inside where they wouldn’t offend anyone. It’s how you learned to cope. Now, you feel safe enough to be honest about how you were let down by people in your family and community.”
Sighing, I wrapped myself tighter around Lula. “Something broke inside Laverne when she learned my dad wasn’t the man she loved. She closed herself off to me after that. Or maybe I was the one who cut her off.”
“You were a child, and she was an adult. If anyone was to blame between the two of you, it would be her,” Lula said, still stroking my head.
“But I don’t believe either of you was to blame.
I think you did your best. In hindsight, you could have stood up to the people fucking with you, but you needed to get away.
Your mom wanted to stay in that life. You both did what you had to do to survive. ”
Nodding, I knew Lula was right. I had pushed my mom to leave her idiot husband so many times. She didn’t need him. I knew she had money. Even if she didn’t, I’d take care of her. But Laverne felt safe in that life, even if she wasn’t happy.
“I still miss my mom,” I told Lula.
“Maybe if you talked about her more, you could process this pain you’re feeling.”
Lula’s suggestion helped. I tried to bring up Laverne more in conversation. I noticed Nova perked up whenever we spoke about our family. She wanted to share freely, but I think she feared mentioning Laverne would upset me.
Now, we talked about her regularly. One evening, Nova showed off pictures she swiped from our mom’s house. Lula took a few of the photos and added them to the ones of her family in the front hall.
Accepting my past wasn’t easy. I flipped from mourning one day to anger the next. Often, when I looked at my boy, I’d struggle to understand how my dad could be so gentle toward me yet hurt innocent women.
I occasionally wanted to shut down my emotions. However, being surrounded by people who didn’t hold back taught me to face what I’d hidden from for years.
Little Paxton would never know such pain and confusion. He was much more of a Reed than a Shaw. My boy didn’t suffer in silence. As soon as he could walk, Paxton refused to be left behind. He kept up with his cousins and would imitate his big sister.
Paxton was also rowdy like his grandpa. He loved to sneak up and startle Pax.
“You’re going to give me a heart attack, boy,” Pax would warn when he got snuck up on again.
“No,” Paxton always replied and shook his head just like Dillon was prone to do when someone argued with her. “Not happening.”
Nothing really fazed Paxton. He was a calm kid. He liked to do everything. He was fearless against any threat.
Dillon remained a sharp, no-nonsense kid. She blazed through school, skipping grades and taking college courses while finishing high school. Though she was tempted to go into medicine like her dad, Dillon eventually decided to follow in her mom’s footsteps.
“Mom always told me that the world was cruel, and help wasn’t usually coming,” Dillon said when she was sixteen and considering colleges.
“She said if I wanted the world to be better, I had to make the changes. I think I can help people more as a lawyer than a doctor. The law is one of the few tools the little guy can use against the big guys.”
Dillon also talked about going into politics. Change came from power, and the kid was a problem-solver. With the club’s backing and connections, I had no doubt she was capable of conquering any obstacles ahead of her.
“I doubt Dillon will ride with my club,” Lula said one day while our girl was home from college and reading by the lake with her nine-year-old brother. “But I can imagine Paxton running the club one day.”
“He’ll need to compete with Clint’s sons.”
“No, he won’t compete with them,” Lula insisted and winked at me. “He’ll simply walk up to them and say he should be the president, and they’ll obey. Remember when he convinced them to play soccer instead of football? Well, I suspect our boy will get his way with the president rank one day.”
I couldn’t deny Lula tended to be right about these things.
We’d been together for a decade by then, and she was still the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen.
Though different enough to keep us forever fascinated by each other, we were similar enough to rarely disagree.
No matter where we lived or what drama might happen within our families, the magic between Lula and me never wavered.
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THE END