Chapter Thirty-Nine
A fter my morning with Lysander, I ask Patton to fit in some extra sessions. Luckily, he was too happy to oblige.
“Brilliant! Yes!” Patton remarks as I drive toward him, slash after jab, even blocking some of his parries with the dagger in my left hand. After Lysander mentioned he requires all his soldiers to learn the skill, I decided that was my new goal. “Where has this skill been these past few days?”
“I guess it’s all starting to click,” I say, knowing that’s just part of it. All of my training has been with Gryphon, today is the first time it’s just Patton and me. Lately, Gryphon hasn’t progressed as quickly, so I hold back, not wanting to upset him knowing that he’s just doing this for me. But today, I let it all out.
“Whatever this is that you’ve found, learn this feeling. So you’re able to find it again,” he says, striking back, hard and fast. His movements have become harder to guess as he falls into full warrior mode.
With each practiced movement, my limbs feel more alive until both blades become an extension of my arms and my awareness of my surroundings heightens to where Patton’s next movement is ringing in my ears and I become one step ahead. My senses are able to take in everything at once—both overwhelming and exactly what I’ve been missing all this time .
“Yield! I yield!” Patton’s words cut through my concentration and all at once, my senses return to what I’m used to and I quickly drop my dagger from Patton’s neckline. “Where’d that come from?” As soon as the danger of my blade lifts, he’s visibly vibrating with excitement, at least as much as a leader of warriors could be expected to show. His voice rises and his eyebrows have found his hairline, but other than that, he still mostly resembles a hardened warrior.
Still shaking myself out of whatever warrior haze is still lifting, I look up to Patton, still slightly unsure of what just happened myself. “I felt as if I was everywhere and nowhere all at once. All of my senses were thrumming with energy. It’s like I was aware of everything all around me.”
“That’s remarkable.” Is all he says at first, placing a thumb under his chin and resting his forefinger on his nose, deep in thought. He shifts and squints down at me as if seeing me for the first time. “That is a trait of the oldest Fae warriors. A state that is desired by many, but acquired by few. To the point it's almost unheard of between the few Fae who remain. The question is, where has this been all this time?”
I shift on my feet, looking from the stone wall where I’d just cornered an ancient Fae warrior, and back to him. “I may have been holding back a tiny bit,” I begin, unsure where to go from there. Was it because of Gryphon, and his inability to progress? Or because I still haven’t come to terms with what Patton, Thaliya, and Thaddeus have shared with me?
“But why? The only people down here in this glorified casket are me and Gryphon—”
My eyes drop to the floor at Gryphon’s name.
“I see.” Patton’s eyes flick over my shoulder and I cringe because, like he said, the only other person who comes down here is Gryphon .
A silence falls over the underground space and I don’t want to turn around.
“You’ve been holding out because of me?” His face contorts in irritation.
“No,” unsure what to say, my answer falls flat. He turns and starts back to where he came from. “At least I didn’t think so until now.” He pauses, looking over his shoulder just long enough for me to see the set of his jaw.
“You’re supposed to be better than that. You’ve always been better than that.” He continues walking down the hallway, the darkness swallowing him up as he goes.
I look at Patton, but he looks as surprised as me at Gryphon’s outburst. “We’re done for the day.” He nudges me toward the yawning passageway, where I can barely make out Gryphon’s retreating form.
“Gryphon, wait.” I finally catch up to him, touching his elbow in hopes to stop his forward movement.
“What’s left to say?” He yanks his arm out of reach and turns, but I can’t make out his features. Neither of us have a torch, neither of us need one, except for at this moment it would be helpful to see his face, see how much damage I’ve done.
“I didn’t mean to—I didn’t realize I was—” I can’t tell if I feel more stuck or caught. So I try another tactic. “What did you mean back there? When you said I’ve always been better than that?”
He looks behind him, caught between leaving me here in the darkness or explaining. His arm settles on the back of his neck, both stretching and rubbing, weighing his next move.
“We’ve always been—you’ve always been your true self with me. We’ve never had to be anything but ourselves with each other. Which, in this court, is refreshing to say the least.” His growing disappointment is clear in the hardening line of his lips.
“I can’t believe you’re throwing this in my face. You of all people.” He stills at the words, the only movement being his eyebrows raising in confusion. “You who, since I’ve returned, has not even let me back into your world the slightest bit.”
“What are you talking about?” To his credit, his surprise appears earnest.
But that moment in the library flashes back through my mind. The sound of heavy breathing and soft murmurs and the exact moment when I realized who those sounds were coming from. The moment I realized how much I truly lost when I left the castle.
Does he really think I don’t know? That I’m so swept up in my own world that’s continuously turning upside down, that I wouldn’t have time to notice?
“You and Licia.” I cross my arms, unwilling to supply more information. My breathing is steadier now. A fierce calm settles over me as I face him, certain that no matter what he says next, it will disappoint me.
He searches my face, but I leave it expressionless, making him sweat at least a little. “You’re not jealous, are you?” His tone is incredulous.
“No! Of course not! I can’t believe you’d even think that.” Anger continues to rise, unbidden. “You’re my oldest friend and Licia is my sister. I couldn’t be happier for you both. But I thought you both would’ve told me. Be excited to share something so special with me. I’m still stuck on the outside.”
“We didn’t realize.”
There it is. They’re a ‘we’ now. And I’m left discarded amongst the weeds.
Forgotten. Superfluous .
“You wouldn’t have.” I bite back before I have time to think.
“What is that supposed to mean?” His shoulders slump and I realize I’m just warming up. There’s so much that’s been left unsaid and now the gates are open.
“It means, I came back hoping we’d be able to pick up where we left off.” I shove him backward, throwing all my weight behind my two hands as I push against his chest. “But I see that’s impossible.” Each word spit like venom that I can’t call back, even if I wanted to. He stumbles backward a few steps but maintains his balance.
“Of course it’s not going to be the same.” He shoves me right back. I balance precariously on my heels and scrape at the walls with my fingertips, trying to find my balance before falling. I didn’t expect him to retaliate.
“You were married.” He jabs me in the chest with a pointed finger.
“You left.” Jab again.
“You’ve been gone for ten years, Roe. Ten years is a long time. And Merula didn’t just fall into a hole while you were gone.” One final jab.
My chest stings and feels hollowed out at the same time. My hand comes up to rub at the spot he hit repeatedly. Right above my heart.
He brushes his hand down his face in frustration. “Although, it seems maybe you might’ve thought as much.”
I flinch, his words hitting harder than any jab ever could. My whole body tenses, waiting for more and too stunned to respond.
“You can’t live your life like this. You can’t be the person you need to be, and still do this.” He motions back and forth between us.
Maybe he’s right. In the end, this is something I’ll have to do by myself. There’s no point in keeping those I love so close to me.
We’ll have to part in the end.
“You’re right.” I stand taller for a moment, taking a deep breath and willing the tears not to fall until I’m alone.
The look of hope he gives me cracks something deep inside me, exactly where he’d been prodding just before.
But it fades just as quickly as I shake my head at him.
My mind’s made up. And he’s right.
Knowing this and whatever just happened between us escalated way too quickly but not knowing how to mend the massive canyon that’s grown in my absence, I do what I must.
I can do this alone; I’ve done it alone these past ten years.
Just because I’m back at the castle, surrounded by family and friends, doesn’t mean things should change now.
Especially where I’m going.
I square my shoulders and adjust the sword sheathed at my side, resting my left hand on my dagger. I step around Gryphon and continue up the path alone with my footsteps guiding me into the darkness I know so well.