40. There’s Always Good With the Bad, We’re Forever
40. THERE’S ALWAYS GOOD WITH THE BAD, WE’RE FOREVER
ELOWYN
As the days passed, so did the signs of battle. Gradually, the palace was restored to such fullness that it was as if the destruction and chaos had never happened—as if the evil, imposter queen had never existed at all.
It was a far greater challenge to erase the evidence of her tyranny from her supposed subjects. The Mirror World’s most skilled healers worked tirelessly to repair her victims’ bodies, and thanks to the superior healing of the fae, many whom I’d assumed lost to us were recovering. But the memories of every horrid thing she’d done hung heavily around us as a whole, like a mantle we couldn’t quite shrug. It was like a noose around my neck that, while loose, was still there, a constant threat I yearned to forget.
The shadow was finally gone, yet she continued to cast a pall that stretched out long in front of us as if the sun were at our backs .
“Give it time,” Xeno’s voice called out, and I turned to find him approaching me in the gardens.
“How’d you know to find me here?”
I’d left Saffron with Hiroshi, who spoiled the dragonling, while Rush and his brothers performed a final sweep of the dungeons to make sure we hadn’t missed anybody. As quickly as had been possible, we’d freed every creature and person, including the humans. We’d had to carve a tunnel into the bowels of the palace to get the dragons out, but fae with relevant powers were quick to volunteer for the task.
The dragons had at first refused the aid of our healers, but in the end Einar and I’d convinced them. Their injuries had been so grave that many would require prolonged treatment, and some would forever carry scars.
“You forget how well I know you,” Xeno said as he sidled up beside me, his gaze sweeping my body, probably noting that I was tired despite sleeping. Every new step I took in filling the role of queen, I discovered more traces of Talisa, more signs of her atrocities. Disgust had been a constant lately; nausea clogged my throat.
“In Nightguard, you always loved watching the dragons,” Xeno said.
In the end, not counting Einar and Saffron, we’d recovered three hundred and sixty-nine dragons in different stages of their development. There’d even been dozens of babies in eggs, and those I wasn’t yet counting.
Talisa’s pristine gardens were now trampled. The dragons who’d been in her dungeons the least time had already begun to frolic and play. Those who’d been there the longest, the ones with the deepest and most gruesome injuries, had at least begun to watch them with increasing interest. Several of them took turns warming the eggs. I prayed that when they hatched there’d be no sign of Talisa’s interference. In the prison where she’d kept them, we’d discovered evidence that not only had she been taking their blood and power for herself, but also that she’d been experimenting on them. It was too early to tell, but logbooks suggested she hadn’t been the first of the royals to do so. Her father Erasmus the Bloody almost certainly had. Scholars, along with Ivar, were scouring every written entry they could find to ascertain how far back the horrors went. Already these experiments seemed responsible for the presence of dragon features in other species, such as the dragon-like feet of the goblins.
“They’re such beautiful and magical creatures,” I said.
“No doubt they are. And now you’ve freed them. Wyn…” His voice, deep and steady, the one constant in my life before I had any true idea of the Mirror World, hitched.
I gazed up at him.
His smile was unexpectedly wobbly, but it reached his eyes. In the light of midday, they shone blue more than green.
“You saved so many of them. I’m so proud of you.”
For the first time since surveying the carnage of the battle, relief—or maybe pleasure—pushed out the nausea thickening my throat.
“The Dragon Mother would be too,” he added.
I snorted. “Yeah, right. She doesn’t even know I exist.”
“I’ll make sure she does.”
My stare snapped back to his. “Are you … are you going back to Nightguard, then?”
“I am.”
My chest tightened; my heart started racing. I found myself nodding. “Of course. Of course you are. I can’t expect you to stay here when you belong there. I’m just … I’m gonna fucking miss the hell out of you, X.”
His smile widened as he bumped my shoulder with his. “You can’t get rid of me that easily. I’m coming back.”
“You are?” I breathed.
“Of course. How many times do I have to tell you? I go where you go. I stay where you stay.”
“But—”
“But shit . No matter what, you and me, Wyn? We’re forever.”
I uncrossed my arms to rush into his. When he pulled me tightly against his chest, I could breathe again.
“Thanks, X. I never want to have to do without you.”
He chuckled gruffly. “Someone’s gotta keep you from taking life too seriously.”
My ear pressed to his steady heart. “True.”
“I’m only going back to settle things with Malessa, or Flint if he’s back. I can’t very well disappear and not return. I made a vow.”
I pulled back to look at him solemnly. “To protect the dragons of Nightguard.”
“Yup. And you know we protectors take that vow seriously.”
“Very seriously. How are … do you think they’ll let you out of it?”
“Yes, I do. There are dragons to protect here, too.”
“I won’t let anything happen to them. They’re safe now.”
“I know that. But their presence will be enough to convince Malessa to station me here, I’m sure of it.”
“Yeah, I guess it probably will. But … am I being selfish by wanting you here?”
“Fuck yes. And you’d better keep it that way, no matter what you and Rush get up to.”
Unsure what to respond to that, I chuckled a bit awkwardly before silencing to observe the dragons. The sapphire-blue she-dragon perched regally atop a hillock she dwarfed, surveying the other dragons, including Einar, who’d been timid but making friends.
“You gotta give everyone time,” Xeno repeated. “Especially yourself. Everyone’s been through a lot. Healing won’t happen overnight.”
“No.” I frowned. “I don’t suppose it will.”
“You’re gonna have to be patient.” He laughed. “And we both know what a challenge that is for you. ”
I rammed him playfully with my shoulder. He didn’t budge, solid wall of muscle that he was. “Hey. I can be patient.”
He merely raised a dubious brow.
I laughed too. “Okay. I can learn to be. I’ll have no choice.” My mirth dropped. “I’ll have to learn how to do a whole lot of things I’m not sure I’m ready for.” I bit my lip before realizing he was cataloging my every tell.
“You’re gonna do great. So fucking great. Look at all you’ve done already.”
My smile was shaky.
“You’re not just out here enjoying the dragons, are you?” Xeno’s arm wrapped protectively around my shoulder. “Who you hiding from? Want me to kill them for you?”
I snorted again. “I think there’s been enough killing for a while.”
“Only since that bastard who knocked you out and stole you from Nightguard right in front of me died, if not I might not agree.”
When the dust settled on the fighting, Dougal was dead, as were Coretta and Malina, two of the most aggressive of Talisa’s ladies whose hands had been all over Rush. Natania and her mother Dayana had survived, and while I wouldn’t regret that they had, I wasn’t exactly excited that they were still hanging around either. The same went for Selwin and Junius, part of Lennox’s tight group of bullies. At least Breccan, the male responsible for hacking off Hiroshi’s arm without need, had found his end.
In fact, several of the nobles who hadn’t been in the thick of the fighting had nevertheless met untimely ends. I suspected the aristos had capitalized on the chaos to take out the most threatening of their rivals. Quite a few of the nobility were suddenly poised to inherit land-owning titles from their unfortunate predecessors, and Rush and I had more important issues to attend to now than in-fighting among the most privileged of Embermere.
I sighed and leaned my head against Xeno’s shoulder, opened my mouth, closed it, then spat out the admission quickly. “My mom wants to die.”
His head whipped toward mine. “What?”
Another sigh. “Yeah. Her sisters are willing to fight and hang in there, but not her. She wants to call it quits just when we could get to know each other.”
Rush’s brothers and Ivar had led a small contingent to locate and guide all of Talisa’s captives whom she’d been draining back to the palace. All were making a swift recovery—all but Odelia Catalina Corisande.
“Why’s she want to die?” Xeno asked gently. He more than anyone else knew how long I’d wondered about my mother and how much I’d yearned to have her in my life when I’d believed her to be dead.
My stare settled in the distance. “She’s only had one period when she was all there since she got here, or at least that she was mostly all there. Edsel’s been doing all he can to help her, but he’s the one who told me in the first place that she’s too broken to come back.”
“Maybe she is. ”
My spine stiffened. “Like hell. She can fight. She has to fight. She’s strong enough to make it through this. Talisa robbed her of her life, but she can get it back now.”
My eyeballs stung while Xeno said nothing, waiting. While he was correct in saying I had shit for patience, he had plenty.
“I want her to fight,” I eventually admitted. “I need her to fight. I lost my father?—”
“Your ‘father’ didn’t deserve you,” Xeno said sharply. “He was willing to let the cunt kill you. That’s no father ,” he spat the word.
No, it wasn’t. I inhaled deeply. “She’s the only family I have left.” Even as I said it, though, I realized it wasn’t true.
Xeno whipped around to grip me by the shoulders. “You have me. And I will always, fucking always, be your family.”
He waited until I nodded, my vision blurring, before adding, “And you have Rush now too.” A vein pulsed in his neck but he went on. “You have friends, lots of amazing friends, like Pru and Reed and everyone, and don’t forget, you have aunts too. They need time to recover, but once they do, I’ll bet they want to get to know their niece, especially when they find out how badass she is.”
A dragon rumbled loudly, and when I found Einar’s big, dark, knowing stare on mine, he said, Do not forget me. I am your friend. We fuerin will always be friends to the dragon queen.
Thanks, Einar. I guess you’re still listening to my private thoughts and conversations, huh?
The massive black dragon pretended to be more interested in a nearby dragon licking its tail and uttered a mysterious, Huuuuh , as answer enough.
“See?” Xeno said with an observant glance at Einar. “We’ve got your back. Even if your mom goes, we’ll be here for you.”
My smile was tremulous. “Thanks, X, I mean that.” I exhaled. “I just really want a chance with her. After all we’ve been through—okay, after all I’ve been through—I wanna have a mom.”
His hand was back around my arm, tugging me close. “We don’t always get what we want,” he said, suddenly stoic, and I had to tamp down the instinct to apologize for finding love in Rush when Xeno had wanted me to find it with him. But I’d never apologize for loving Rush. And Xeno wouldn’t want me to anyway, not really.
“But that doesn’t mean we can’t make the best of things,” Xeno said, squeezing my arm. “There’s always good with the bad, isn’t there?”
“With Talisa gone, much more so now.”
“No shit. She was … beyond words awful.”
“I thought she’d never die for a bit there.”
“Me too.”
“But now she’s gone.”
“Yep, she is. It’s time for new beginnings. Time to make up for all that pain.”
“That’s why I want my mom to stay,” I whispered .
“But maybe that’s why she needs to go.”
An unfamiliar goblin with the pointy ears of a male tugged on my dress, which loosely resembled a tunic that I wore over tight breeches as a compromise between the tradition of my station and practical comfort. I glanced away from the numenit I’d been speaking with and down with a smile at the goblin. After many generations of abuse at the hands of royals, most of the goblins were still learning to trust their newfound safety. Like everything else in Embermere, it was a work in progress.
“My queen?” the goblin said in a scratchy voice.
“Yes? What is it?”
“The goblin Edsel Vernine Rockear of the Ashburn clan is requesting Her Majesty’s immediate presence in the healing ward.”
My heartbeat raced.
“Will Her Majesty like me to lead the way?”
“No, that won’t be necessary, thank you. I know the way well enough.”
Although the days had been busy as Rush and I, with the assistance of our trusted friends, labored to course correct, I’d made a point of visiting my mother every day. She was waking regularly now, but she’d had only the one occasion of lucidity, and then she’d requested the mercy of death .
My flat-soled boots flew across the floor as I ran. When I pushed open the door to the ward, several fae bowed to me, but I had eyes only for my mother and Edsel at her bedside.
The scar across the bridge of his nose was deeper than usual with the furrow of his brow. “She asked for ye.”
I rushed past rows of beds and their convalescing occupants. My mother was in her bed as usual, unable to rise on her own. Her form was still—ever so still—when her head finally turned my way—too slow.
Her eyes were glassy and dazed, but there was an alertness there that I latched on to.
I sat on the bed and took her hand in mine; it was cold and clammy.
My eyes stung but I forcibly blinked back the tears that threatened to roll. “Hi … Mother.” By the Ethers, I hoped there’d be a chance to learn to call her mom .
She smiled, and though it was brittle and weak, my heart soared.
“Daughter,” she rasped.
Awkwardly, nervously, I patted her hand. “It’s so good to see you…” What? Awake? Alive? Lucid? What should I say?
“It’s better to see you … the one I thought I’d never get to see.”
“Ye might wanna hurry, Odelia,” Edsel said, glancing from her to me. He scratched his wide nose. “She ain’t got much time, not based on how things have been. ”
“You mean…” The breath left me for a moment. “You mean she’s … dying?” I licked my lips, suddenly parched.
“I’d like to,” my mother said.
I stared at her so long that the sight of her blurred and a tear tracked down my cheek. I swiped at it.
“Girly,” Edsel said gently. “She ain’t herself anymore. Not but for a rare moment here and there.”
“But she’ll get better,” I insisted.
“Not likely,” Edsel said, as my mother admitted, “Perhaps.”
She tugged me closer; her grip was so weak. “Elowyn … my darling, beautiful daughter … there is wondrous peace beyond death.”
I wanted to ask her how she could be sure.
“I long for it.”
I tasted the salt of my tears as they rolled along the seams of my lips.
“Allow me to leave.”
“No,” I whispered.
“Yes.” Her smile was resigned, accepting. “Your father awaits … in the Etherlands.” Her chest heaved with the apparent effort of conversing. “I believe us to be mates.”
She inhaled, exhaled, gathered what strength she could. “If I am right and we are, we’ll find each other again … and again … and again.”
She pulled me nearer as her strength flailed. She rasped, “I am ready to be free of the suffering … of this bo dy.”
I already knew what my answer must be—how could I not?—but I couldn’t bring myself to say it aloud.
“I’ll go without your blessing,” she said, showing a resolve I hadn’t realized she possessed, and for the first time since I’d laid eyes on her face, I saw a hint of what she might have once been like in the severe slash of her brows and lips—both now too thin. “But I’d like … I’d prefer to have it.”
Unable to speak, I found myself nodding. Edsel’s callused hand patted me on the back in slightly jarring thumps. “Ye’ll be alright, girly. I know ye will be. Ye’re real strong, just like yer mother here is.”
“I…” my mother said, trailing off.
Her eyes were rolling back, her breathing becoming even more shallow.
“Mother,” I barked and shook her hand. “Mom!”
Her eyes drifted toward mine. “Hmmm?”
I licked my lips again. “Mom,” I breathed.
Recognition flickered in her eyes like the flame of a dying candle, about to go out.
“I love you, Elowyn. I love you … so much.”
Then her eyes and face went slack, frighteningly blank.
My mother was gone.
“Mom,” I whispered anyway.
She didn’t so much as twitch, her hand limp in mine.
Edsel patted me on the back again. “It’ll be painless. She’ll go in peace, free to be with yer father like she wants.” He didn’t ask, but I heard the question in his statement anyway. How could I not?
“There’s so much more to existence than these bodies,” he offered. “The Etherlands is a beautiful place.”
“How can you know?” I asked, my heart clenching.
“Same way we know anything.” He thudded a closed fist over his chest. Did he mean with our hearts? With faith?
I couldn’t tell exactly, but I didn’t think it mattered. Whichever he meant, he was right.
I sat for long minutes, Edsel pretending to fuss over his assorted ointments, potions, and other healing accoutrements. I memorized the curves of her brow, nose, cheeks, and lips, so much like my own, though it was hard to be sure when her face was so gaunt. Death had been vying to claim her for a very long time.
Finally, when the sun began to inch toward the horizon beyond the windows, I pressed a kiss to each temple, then to the bridge of her nose, to both cheeks.
Against a cheek I whispered, “May your memory live forever. May your essence voyage to the Etherlands.”
I considered invoking her ancestors, who were also my ancestors, but most of them were turning out to be corrupt, power-mongering shits. “May you find the mate of your heart.”
“That’s real nice, girly,” Edsel said, his own voice thicker than usual. He sniffed.
I brushed her hair, too fine, from her face, took in her face one final time, and pressed my forehead to hers.
“I love you, Mom.”
I turned on my heel and walked out without looking back, knowing Edsel would take care of her. My mother was better off wherever she was going.
Feeling the stares of the others trailing my retreat, I swung through the doors of the healing ward, daring to hope it would be the last death I’d have to mourn for a long, long while.
The shadow cast by Talisa’s legacy was shrinking by the day.
Rush and I wouldn’t cease until it was gone entirely.