Fake It ‘Til You Feel It (Work For It #3)

17. Changing the Rules of the Game

CHAPTER 17

CHANGING THE RULES OF THE GAME

MARS

H aving tea at Betty’s Tattoos and Tea didn’t used to be an adventure. But then Ivy and I started doing...whatever we’re doing and now she likes to toy with me under the table. We’re taking a long afternoon break from work, drinking from delicate cups that I probably shouldn’t be handling, and Ivy’s running her foot up and down my leg, getting higher with each pass.

“Ivy,” I warn. She smiles, takes a sip of her tea, and scoots closer.

“I don’t feel like going back to work. Do you?” She nibbles at a tiny fruit tart and licks cream from her lips in a way that reminds me of how she sucked me down in the backseat of her car last week. Getting an erection in the middle of a tea shop probably breaks about eighteen separate rules of decorum.

I reach my hand out to swipe the bit of cream she has at the corner of her lip when Betty appears next to our table. Her gray braids are piled on top of her head, showing off the tattoos that adorn her neck and shoulders.

“Hey, Betty,” Ivy says, like she wasn’t torturing me. “The tea is delicious as usual.”

Betty waves away Ivy’s complement and turns to me. “Mars, dear, I have great news. My niece finally dumped that loser of a boyfriend.”

I furrow my eyebrows. “Um, sorry to hear that...?” I glance at Ivy and she shrugs.

Betty waves her finger between me and Ivy. “Now that your little fake dating show is over, I can give her your number. Or, better yet, I can give you her number.” Before I can say anything, she pulls out her phone and taps on it. My own phone vibrates in my pocket.

“Betty, I’m not sure,” I begin. Ivy sits very still in her seat, and I can’t read the expression on her face. “I mean, I don’t know,” I start again.

Betty steamrolls right over me. “You remember me telling you about her? She’s an architect in Berkeley, but that’s not too far. She loves the beach and is an avid reader. Smartest girl I know, and serious about her relationships. Ready to finally settle down.” She doesn’t spare Ivy a look, but it’s as if she shined a bright spotlight on her.

“Alicia’s great,” a voice says from over my shoulder. I turn around to see Dana, June, and Dale sitting at a table. Trouble in the tea shop . “You two would be perfect together,” Dana says. Dale nods in agreement.

“She works with orphaned puppies,” June says. She jumps when Dana kicks her under the table and shakes her head. Too much , she mouths.

I turn back to Ivy with a laugh, but she’s not smiling. She stares at me like she’s just come to some kind of epic realization. My mouth goes dry.

Desperate to end this conversation before Betty lists off Alicia’s other attributes, I say in my best medium-enthusiasm voice, “She sounds great. I’ll think about it.”

Betty leaves us with a parting smirk, like she’s pleased with the little grenade she tossed. I feel Ivy’s eyes studying me like I’m a problem she needs to solve. I don’t like it.

“Are you going to call her?” The question throws me for a loop, makes something in my head pop. I don’t know how to answer her, and her question causes frustration to build in my chest. I pay for our tea, wait for Ivy to get her jacket, and head out the door.

“I don’t know,” I say when we’re out on the sidewalk even though there’s no way in hell I’m calling Betty’s niece—no matter how great she is.

Ivy folds her arms over her chest with her shoulders stiff and her eyes pointing somewhere over my shoulder. “You should. She sounds perfect for you.”

The funny thing about a monster wave is that sometimes you don’t realize it’s about to pull you under until it’s right on top of you. I feel like I’ve been smacked in the chest by the biggest wave California’s ever seen. Knocked off my board with no hope of finding the surface.

“You can’t be fucking serious right now, Ives.” It’s out before I can check myself. I’m so tired of dancing around the topic of us that my filter finally breaks.

She stares at me.

“Wait, you really want me to take Betty up on her offer?” I ask through gritted teeth, my heart heaving itself against my ribs.

“You’re a relationship guy, and the niece is obviously looking for one of those.” Red paints Ivy’s cheeks when her eyes finally meet mine.

“Unlike you, right?”

“Right.”

“Maybe I’m weird, but I thought it’d be uncouth to ask another woman out while I was fucking my best friend.” Ivy flinches at my words, but I’m beyond caring. I turn around to head back to work. I don’t know if I have anything left to say right now.

She follows me as I walk quickly back to The Base. I’m not stomping, but these aren’t happy steps.

“Mars. Hey, come on. It’s not like you don’t still have those dating apps on your phone. I don’t get why you’re so mad.” She can’t be this oblivious.

I spin back to her. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. I deleted those apps the night you kissed me, Ives. That. Night. What have we been doing, Ivy? Is it really only fucking for you? Why are you pushing me so hard to go out with someone else? Because if I do, this ends,” I say, motioning between the two of us.

She blinks at me. “The fucking or the friendship?”

My shoulders sag. “The fucking, Ivy. We’ll always be friends. But...”

“I don’t do relationships.” It’s like someone pulled the string on her back and she’s repeating one of her few programmed phrases. I want to scream.

“You should have Ryan tattoo that somewhere where everyone can see it. But either way, I’m not asking out Betty’s niece.”

“I know I keep repeating myself, but you know why I don’t want to get involved with anybody.”

“Surprise, Ivy! We’re involved. I know what you taste like, I know what you sound like when you come, I’ve felt you squeeze the life out of my cock multiple times. But you know what else we do? We hang out, we laugh, we eat together, we commiserate and make fun of Stuart together. So I’d hate to tell you this, Ivy, but this is a fucking relationship. It might not have a label on it, and I know you’re scared shitless, but what the hell do you think we’ve been doing for the past month and a half?”

Ivy’s mouth opens and closes a few times before she says, “But you deserve someone who can do this. Who can...who can love you.” Well there it is. I thought we were building toward it, but she was never going to walk through that door. Fatigue and defeat fill my lungs. I need time to regroup.

I take a breath and turn back to work, intending to grab my stuff and go home. Maybe I’ll go surfing.

I hear Ivy’s footsteps behind me. I manage to pack up my laptop without dropping anything while she hovers around me. We get a few stares from our coworkers, a raised eyebrow from Carla, but everybody leaves us alone.

She follows me out to the parking lot and seizes my arm. “Talk to me, Mars. Please.”

“I need some space, Ivy. I’ll talk to you soon.”

“No, I’m not done talking.” She stamps her foot, and I’d laugh if I wasn’t feeling so hollowed out right now.

I sling my laptop onto my passenger seat, nearly avoiding the gear shift. Turning around and crossing my arms, I give Ivy a say what you have to say look. My jaw hurts with how tightly I’m keeping back everything I want to say.

IVY

“I don’t understand why you think you’re so unlovable. For fuck’s sake, Mars, people adore you. Look at how close you are with Colin and Stuart. Your cousins. Everybody at work loves you. So yeah, you deserve more from a relationship than a good fuck and some laughs.

“You deserve someone who sees your generous heart, the way you shrug off whatever mishaps come your way, who can see how much heart you put into your art. How you’re just so good . Someone who will love you because you’re the best fucking guy.” I’m shouting now and there are tears. Not sure when those showed up.

“But that person can’t be you, is that what you’re saying?” His arms are crossed over his chest, and he pins me with a look that feels equal parts sad and angry. The look makes my chest crack open, and I can’t stand that I put it there.

“Why would you think I could ever be that person? You know I’m not capable of?—”

“Relationships. No, I got it the hundred and fiftieth time you said it. You’ve made that clear many, many times since we started hooking up.” Why do the words hooking up make me want to protest that it’s more than that? So much more. My heart and brain are at war. I wrap my arms around my middle trying to hold myself together.

“Mars, if we...went there, I wouldn’t survive the end of it. You’re my best friend, and when things fall apart, I won’t have you to turn to. I can’t risk it.” More tears prick my eyes and no amount of sniffling keeps them at bay.

He lets out a harsh laugh. “It’s funny how you lecture me on how I’m deserving of love but you can’t see it the other way around. Do you deserve love, Ivy?”

The question hits me like a kick to the gut. I try to answer him, but nothing comes out.

He takes the opportunity to keep going. “Because from where I’m standing, you’re too scared to leap, but you’re telling me to jump. But not with you. Never you. It’s exhausting.” He takes a breath and pins me with his own red-rimmed eyes. “You can’t tell me to find love but cut yourself off from it.”

The thought of him finding it with someone else slices through me like a jagged knife. It started as a dull ache at Betty’s, but now I can’t focus beyond the pain of it. The air leaves my lungs, and it’s hard to draw a breath.

I try to picture him with another woman, and I can’t. I can’t. It’s me that I see.

It’s me holding his hand walking down the street. It’s me he touches in the back of his truck. It’s me he draws in his sketchbook when he thinks I’m not looking. It’s me he takes to bed and says all the dirty words to. Not some other faceless woman. Me.

Fuck .

Tears slip down my face because I’m scared. So fucking scared that no words come out. Too scared to tell him that I’m falling for him, and I’m tired of fighting it. So tired.

He takes a step closer and pulls me into a hug, even though I know he’s probably done with me. Please don’t let him be done with me . A sob leaves my throat as I wrap my arms around his waist.

“Ives, you’re right. I do deserve to be loved,” he whispers in my ear. “And so do you. You need time to think about it, I know. If you want to talk later, I’m here. But I have things to think about too.”

“Okay,” I whisper into his shoulder. “I’m sorry.” I don’t know what else to say.

“Know this, Ivy. I’m ready when you are, and no matter what, you’re my best friend.” That makes me sob harder, and he squeezes me tighter. He kisses the side of my head, above my ear, then he’s gone, getting in his truck without a backwards glance.

I can’t think of anything worse than losing Mars from my life. The idea of heading back to work is too much. I’m a mess and on the edge of crumpling to the ground. Leaning against the outside wall, I spend minutes simply breathing, trying to calm my aching, racing heart.

Two things have become painfully obvious in the last hour. I need to figure my shit out, and I need help doing it.

I pull my phone from my pocket and shoot off a group text.

Help

Joanie

Who do I need to kill?

Meredith

I know fifteen different ways to dispose of a body.

I snort. I love these women. That wasn’t so hard, was it Ivy?

I could use the powers of the brain trust. You free tonight?

Joanie

Your place?

Please

Meredith

I’ll be there. I have the biggest jar of olives in the back of my fridge, and I don’t know where it came from.

Joanie

Dirty martinis it is. Brace your livers.

Can you bring chocolate too?

Meredith

Joanie, bring whatever you have. I got the chocolate covered. We’ll be over tonight.

I don’t know how I manage to make it through the rest of the day, but staring at my living room wall features heavily. In that time, I start about fifteen different texts to Mars, all some variation of I miss you already .

I jump when Meredith bangs on my door. I can tell it’s her because Joanie’s knock is significantly less psychotic.

Opening the door, I’m met with twin head tilts. Fresh tears start and I wipe them away on the sleeve of my hoodie. Mars’ hoodie actually. Great, more tears.

Joanie gives me a quick squeeze on the way to the kitchen. “Buck up, Ivy. It’s all part of the process.”

“Process?” I sniffle.

“Whatever’s happening between you and Mars right now, it’s only one step on your way to your happily ever after.” More tears.

Meredith snorts, and Joanie turns on her, pointing a finger in her face. “Don’t you start, Miss Frowny Face. You got your own HEA, now it’s Ivy’s turn.”

I slump down on the couch and wait for them to join me. Meredith hands me a very full martini glass with five olives crowded on a toothpick, which is weird because I don’t own martini glasses. A problem for another day.

Meredith takes the armchair while Joanie drops on the couch next to me.

“Okay, what did you do?” Joanie asks.

I choke on a sip of my drink. “What makes you think I did something?”

They give me matching flat looks.

I sigh. This is the downside of having friends who know you. “We had a fight because I suggested he take Betty up on her offer to set him up with her niece.”

“Oh, Alicia’s lovely. Super nice, smart, beautiful. I’ve met her a few times,” Joanie gushes.

Meredith chucks an olive at her. “What the fuck, Joanie? Not helping.” Joanie catches the olive and pops it in her mouth.

“Let me get this straight. You told him you don’t want him, but you don’t want him going out with someone else?”

I really am an asshole. “I mean, probably not a good idea while we’re sleeping together.”

“Stop sleeping together then,” Joanie says with a shrug. My whole body rejects the thought, and I want to throw up.

Meredith studies me like I’m spread thin on a microscope slide.

“Why’s he mad?” she asks.

“He said that we’re already in a relationship, even if we haven’t put a label on it.”

“The man has a point,” Joanie mutters.

“Joanie! You’re supposed to be on my side.”

“No offense, babe, but your side is stupid.”

“Mars has made it clear he wants to be in a relationship with you, but you don’t want to be in one with him. Why don’t you tell him that? I’m sure you can still be friends.” Meredith sounds like she doesn’t believe her own words. Probably because they feel wrong.

“I don’t do?—”

An olive hits me in the forehead.

“What the fuck, Joanie?” I rub at the spot. She reaches over and plucks the olive out of my lap and pops it in her mouth. Meredith shakes her head.

“Get over yourself. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you? How could you possibly think Mars is anything like the loser boys you’ve dated?” Joanie’s face starts to turn red.

I open my mouth to protest, but she’s on a roll.

“Has he ever put you down to make himself feel better? Or does he sing your praises every chance he gets? Does he support you or does he tear you down? And have you seen the way the man looks at you, for fuck’s sake?” Oh, my little Joanie is big mad .

My mind flashes back to the conversation between Mars and Henning I overheard. The one where Mars called me ‘amazing’ and said he wasn’t good enough for me. I choke back more tears.

“Do you have any flipping clue how lucky you are? And no, you shouldn’t be with someone only because they love you. There’s no point if you don’t love them back. But here’s the thing you beautiful dope, you do love him. Why are you fighting this so hard? I don’t get it. Your happily ever after is within your grasp, but you’re sitting here with your thumb up your ass.”

Meredith and I share a shocked look at Joanie’s outburst.

“Joanie...”

“I swear to god, I will sign you up for every horrible karaoke song if you don’t wake the fuck up. Would you rather be sad and alone because you don’t do relationships ?” Her voice does an unflattering version of my own.

“Okay, I don’t sound like that.” Another olive hits my forehead. I did not know her aim was so good. “Hey, knock it off.” I wipe at the olive juice dripping into my eyebrow.

“I’ll knock it off when you stop being so friggin’ stubborn.”

“Why are you so angry? Jesus.”

“Because you’re not following the fucking plot,” she yells. Pointing a shaking finger at me, she turns to Meredith. “This one is too thick-skulled to get out of her own way, and she’s about to ruin the best friends-to-lovers story this town has going.”

Meredith laughs. “Joanie, we’re not living inside one of your stories. Ivy will get there, even if her story beats are all off. Or she won’t. Now, put the olives down.”

Joanie deflates on the couch. “You’re right,” she mutters. She turns back to me. “And you’re not an idiot, Ivy. But sometimes you make me want to throttle you. If you truly don’t want to be in a relationship, you have to set the guy free. But if you’re acting out of fear, you’re cutting yourself off from potentially the best thing to ever happen. Mars is so far gone for you—everybody can see it. And you both deserve to be happy.”

I stare at her, hearing her, the words so far gone for you playing on a loop in my head and my chest.

I think back to the wedding when it felt like we were a team. Mars and Ivy against the assholes. He had no problem letting me take the lead on some of our harder interactions with Susan’s family, and I’ve met few men who would be okay with that.

I close my eyes and remember all the times he’s laughed off his little clumsy episodes. Henning would’ve looked for someone or something to blame if he tripped over his own feet.

A sad warmth moves from my chest to my fingertips. Why have I been holding him at arm’s length, denying what we have, when he’s been right fucking there ? He’s been right fucking there since we met, since I almost killed him with my car.

I bury my head in my hands. “I’ve been so…”

“Blind? Self-destructive? I’m surprised Betty hasn’t given up on you yet.”

Meredith makes a slashing motion across her neck but Joanie ignores it. I look between the two. “What, you two thought I didn’t realize what Betty and her group of gossips were doing? You might think I’m dense, but I’m not that dense.”

“Targeted by the Wavecrest Meddlers Brigade. They’ve probably been at it since they all saw you and Mars dancing at the anniversary party,” Joanie says with a sly grin.

I stare at her with my martini halfway to my mouth. “Wait, I didn’t think they were that invested in us. I assumed they were bored and decided to pick on us because we were easy marks.”

“What, like they wanted to see two beautiful idiots kiss for shits and giggles? No, you sweet summer child, I’d be surprised if they didn’t have one of those cork boards with red string all over it.” Meredith says this like it should be obvious to my smooth brain.

I open my mouth, but I can’t form words. I should’ve known—the town gossips always have a bigger agenda.

“And I think deep down you chose to go along with their shenanigans because it brought you closer to Mars,” Joanie says, her smug smile matching Meredith’s.

“Betty, Dana, Dale.” I start ticking names off on my fingers as I sink slowly back on the couch.

“Don’t forget June.”

“I can’t believe you fell for the oldest trick in the book—reverse psychology. And their acting skills aren’t even that great.” Meredith shakes her head in disappointment.

“One can only aspire to that level of shit-stiring. I hope one day they’ll accept me as one of their own.” Joanie gets a far off look on her face and sighs.

I’ve been played and I’m not even mad about it. Would I have hooked up with Mars without their interference? Would our kisses have been any less heated? Would the fake dating have felt any less real?

I put my head in my hands and let out a watery laugh. “I had no idea it went so deep.”

“Love makes us stupid,” Joanie says, rubbing circles on my back. I want to protest, but what would be the point?

“This is what I get for having a romance writer as a friend.” I shoot her a glare but my insides warm at her sympathetic look.

“Oh, shush. You’re lucky to have me.” I am, but she’ll have to pry that fact out of me.

Joanie was right, I’m an idiot. I sniffle, welcoming the hot tears that start up again.