Chapter 33

The boat teetersas we surge over choppy waves. I clutch the rail and dig my heels more into the floorboard. In front of me, Levi does the same, his knuckles blanching around the metal.

Is this a good idea?

Returning to the place of living, breathing nightmares… is this the right decision?

When Levi mentioned the trip to Dr. Hampton, she offered to come along. To be a neutral party and guide him through his feelings as they surface. To be another person he can lean on while he seeks liberation from what will haunt him for years to come.

Naturally, Levi declined her offer. But he promised to speak with her as soon as we dock in Stone Bay.

Levi insisted on as few people as possible. I did my damnedest to fulfill his request.

The plan was to only invite Travis and Tymber. But the moment I asked Travis if we could use his family’s boat, Kirsten wanted to know why. In the middle of Poke the Yolk, I leaned in close and whispered the plan. The first words out of Kirsten’s mouth were, “Sky, Dee Dee, and I are coming too.”

Yesterday afternoon, I learned Lawrence and Phoebe were tagging along.

I love how everyone wants to support Levi and be at his side as he works through his trauma. Our friends are incredible.

However, the entire drive home from work yesterday, I feared his reaction to the news. When I told him over dinner, he was less bothered than I foresaw.

Maybe it’s because Skylar, Kirsten, Delilah, and I have been friends for years. Maybe it’s because he’s spent time with all of us together or in smaller groups countless times and we are more his family than the people who share his blood.

Whatever the reason, I’m glad he accepts the extra support when he needs it most.

A hand on my shoulder steals my attention. I glance back to see Kirsten, a sympathetic smile on her face.

Leaning in so only I hear her, she says, “Trav says we’re a couple miles away. With the waves, maybe twenty-five to thirty minutes.”

When she inches back and meets my eyes, I nod and mouth, “Thank you.”

I shuffle closer to Levi but don’t crowd him at the bow. Resting my free hand on his waist, I tell him without words that I am here and not going anywhere. Ever so slightly, he presses his weight into my hand.

Less than ten minutes pass before the faint shape of tall evergreens breaks up the horizon. In another five, it’s easy to discern the island—a little over a mile long and three-quarters wide. With its jagged rock face and dense forestry, an onlooker would think the small stretch of land uninhabitable.

Which made it the perfect place for illicit activity.

The boat banks a little left and Levi reaches for my hand. As we circle around the island and approach a hidden alcove with sporadic docks, my hand loses feeling as his fingers curl around mine with ineffable strength. When the boat slows and the motor quiets, Levi’s audible, rapid breathing hits my ears.

With a gentle clutch of his hip, I step into him, my front a breath away from his back. “I’m here, moje srce.” I rest my forehead on the back of his head and breathe him in. “I’ve got you.” I press my lips to his hair. “I’m not going anywhere.”

His hand on mine tightens, his silent way of saying thank you.

Travis eases the boat next to one of the long wooden docks and ties off the boat. One at a time, we disembark the boat and wait.

As discussed ahead of our trip, we will let Levi guide every step of this journey. Although we were all impacted by what happened, our side of the story is tame compared to what Levi experienced. Coming back to this place, triggering his memories, must be on his terms every step of the way.

Levi takes my hand and laces our fingers. Like a pebble skipped across the water’s surface, trembling ripples from his body to mine. I absorb those apprehensive vibrations and blanket them with love. Stroke the length of his thumb with mine as I study his profile and wait for his next move. Send every ounce of strength and courage from my body to his as his eyes scan the trees.

No one moves, no one says a word. In a semicircle around Levi, we shower him with endless support.

And then, he takes his first step toward the island.

This early in the day—the sun shining brightly overhead, the wind whipping through the trees, and various wildlife milling about—the place appears less ominous. Doesn’t change how any of us see it. None of us will look at this island or others like it without unease.

We step off the dock and follow a path created by small vehicles. Pine needles and twigs crunch under our boots as we wander through the thin forestry into a denser canopy. Salt, earth and pine linger in the air. Birds squawk overhead. The occasional chipmunk scurries through the brush.

It’s all very… disorienting.

Levi pauses and I whip my attention to his face. His eyes widen, and I follow his line of sight to see a small structure through the trees.

Where did that come from?

I scan the woods and spot another similar building farther out. Too nice to be a shack built by the homeless, but meager enough that the inhabitant isn’t cozy.

Travis clears his throat. “Guard stations.” He sidles up to me and points in a different direction. “The island has several, but most are near the main door.”

With my attention focused on finding Levi the last time I was here, I missed the finer details of my surroundings.

“They’re being dismantled like everything else,” he adds.

Good. Everything those assholes built needs to burn.

We trek the path farther. Gradually, the trees start to thin again.

Levi shakes so hard it rattles my bones. His fingers crush mine as his breathing picks up.

One foot in front of the other, we approach a solitary door with narrow, tall walls around it. An elevator shaft to the darkest parts of the underworld. No one presses forward without Levi taking a step first.

Levi peers past me to Travis. “Are we—” He closes his eyes, inhales a deep breath, and swallows as he meets Travis’s patient gaze. “Are we able to go inside?”

With a well-practiced, emotionless expression, Travis nods. “Law enforcement hasn’t shut off the power yet. Until everything is deconstructed and filled in, we still have access.”

Shifting his gaze back to the door, Levi secures his hold on my hand. “I need to go down there,” he whispers. “If only for a minute, I need to see it’s truly over.” Resilience coats his final words.

After years of pining, sexual frustration, sleepless nights, unimaginable obstacles, and the world trying to rip us apart, I didn’t think I could love Levi more. I’ve never been more wrong.

As he straightens his spine and walks toward the elevator that leads to the desolate halls of misery, fire expands in my chest. A blaze so powerful it robs me of breath. Clenches my heart. Jolts my soul. A firestorm constructed by love and bravery and perseverance. An indestructible force that forms a protective shield around us.

Our scars may never fully heal, but we will overcome this part of our journey. Together.

Shuffling into the elevator, Levi presses the button and we descend. Hour-long seconds pass as we wait to reach the bottom.

Levi’s faint quivers transition into full-fledge tremors as a ding echoes through the elevator car. The second the doors open, Levi dashes out and tugs me along. As everyone steps out, Levi pauses and stares at the sterile, lifeless walls.

His jagged breaths grow louder, a soft, pained whimper edging each exhale. He crushes my bones in his grip. A steady tap, tap, tap bounces off the walls as his tremors make his teeth clatter.

I lean into him. “I’m right here, moje srce,” I assure him. “The entire time, I’ll be right next to you.” I rest the side of my head on his. “We leave when you want to. Just say the word.”

Giving me some of his weight, he nods. “Thank you.”

Several minutes pass before his tremors calm to a soft vibration. He lifts his head, swallows, then takes a step toward one of the numerous hallways. When he reads the number on the first door, he backtracks and moves to another hallway. The one where they kept him.

Eerie silence fills the stagnant air as Levi leads us to his final prison cell. The closet-sized room where I found him a month ago.

As we near the door, his feet move faster and more unsteadily. My pulse whooshes in my ears as my vision tunnels to the door.

God, he was so fucking scared and perplexed when I stepped into the room. A complete juxtaposition to the strong and brilliant man I’ve known for years.

But I refused to leave this shithole without him.

Only death will rip us apart. Even then, my soul will raze the universe to find his.

Inches from the propped open door, Levi stops and stares at one piece in his hellscape puzzle. The last piece.

I wait for his next move, ready for anything.

Instead of pushing the door open like I expect, he drops to his knees and pulls me down with him. Releasing his hold on me, he brings his hands to his face as he starts to rock in place. A sob rips from his throat and echoes off the walls.

I don’t think, don’t hesitate, don’t hold back as I wrap him in my arms and hold him tighter than comprehensible. He doesn’t shove me away. His feet slide out from beneath him and he collapses in my arms, giving me all his weight.

“You’re safe. I’ve got you,” I whisper over and over as I lull him. Tears stain my cheeks as I kiss his hair. “I love you. I love you. I love you.”

We cry on the floor for almost an hour before Levi quiets. He sits up and wipes his cheeks. Takes a deep breath, then another. On shaky legs, he rises, takes my hand, and walks toward the elevator.

“Let’s go home.”

October 5th

Today was hard as fuck. I wanted to puke several times, but kept my shit together for L. Until he broke down and cried more than I’ve seen anyone cry in my life. Other than calling Dr. H, he’s been quiet since we left. He’s probably processing. I sure as hell am. I just hope he comes to me if he needs to get anything off his chest. I hope he knows I’ll be there for him no matter what. More than anything, I hope today helps both of us move forward. L deserves peace and love. I hope he knows he’ll always have both with me.

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