Chapter 35
Engine idling,I sit in my car in the driveway and stare at the back of Levi’s car. The corner of my mouth twitches as I recall countless times we drove out of Stone Bay and flew down the highway without a care in the world. Just me and him with the wind in our hair, music cranked up, and the comfort we have always had with each other.
Damn, I miss those carefree days. A lot.
Without a doubt, we will have more wild and easygoing days in the future. Navigating the unknown until that time comes is a true labor of love.
But Levi is worth the wait.
I cut the engine, grab the bag on the passenger seat, and open the door. Locking the car with a press of the fob, I jog up the stairs to the apartment, enter my code and push through the front door.
Across the open floor plan, Levi sits on the couch in a daze. Eyes fixed on the television, he watches the screen but doesn’t appear to be paying attention to the show. Maybe working half a day for his appointment put him in a funk. Half days are weird like that.
“Hey,” I say, stepping farther into the apartment. I hold up the bag and shake it. “Hungry?”
He blinks a few times then meets my gaze. “Yeah. I could eat.”
I wander to the kitchen and set the bag down on the counter, pulling out a couple food boxes. As I grab plates from the cabinet, my mind wanders off.
Will it always be like this with us now? Us tiptoeing around reality.
Less than two months have passed since we rescued Levi from hell. It’s been less than a month since we returned to the only location he knows and connects to his trauma. Compared to the day he left that horrific place, he is immeasurably better. Every day, I glimpse more and more of the former Levi.
Then why the hell is my mind so insistent on us fast-forwarding past the hard stuff? Why the hell am I not mentally giving him the grace he deserves? What kind of person does it make me, wanting our relationship and lives to go back to the way they were before? To move forward as if those things didn’t happen.
A huge fucking asshole, that’s what kind.
Breathe. We will find normal again.
Guilt gnaws at my insides as I divvy the food onto our plates. Shame slithers through my veins as I do my best not to compare our relationship before to how it is now.
Patience. I need to practice more patience.
Closing my eyes, I inhale a slow, methodical breath and focus on the positives. A handful of good things that make me smile.
Positive: Levi is here with me by choice.
Positive: I can touch him more without him trembling or pulling away.
Positive: Although it’s modest, I see the small efforts he is putting in for himself and us.
Positive: Every day, I get to wake up beside him and fall asleep with him curled into my side.
Positive: I love him. God, do I love him.
The last thought overrides every shitty thought I had a moment ago. It squashes and buries them deep in the earth.
I love him, and that is what matters.
Carrying the plates to the couch, I offer one to Levi then take a seat next to him. “How was work?” Then, I shove a forkful of savory stuffed French toast in my mouth.
I make a point not to ask about his therapy sessions. Not because I don’t care about them. More like it isn’t my place to pry about them. Levi’s sessions with Dr. Hampton are private. A safe space for him to discuss difficulties and be vulnerable about things impacting his life. If he wants to talk about his sessions with me, he must be the one to broach the topic. He must take the first step.
“Good.” He bites the end of a piece of bacon. “A little dull since I left after a few hours.”
“Yeah.” I chuckle. “Remember back in high school when we loved short days?” I shove another chunk of French toast between my lips, cover my mouth with my hand, and continue. “We’d spend the rest of the day playing video?—”
“Let’s move in together,” Levi blurts, then sets his plate on the table.
Brows scrunched and eyes narrowed, I meet his waiting gaze. “I…” I set my plate next to his and wipe my hands on my pants. “We… already live together,” I say, confusion saturating each of my words.
Levi twists in his seat and his knee bumps my thigh. He reaches for and takes my hands with his. When he drops his gaze to our hands, I do the same.
Lazily, his thumbs stroke back and forth over my knuckles. With each pass, a fresh spark lights under my skin. I lock onto the action, refusing to blink, not wanting to miss a single second.
Since his return, this is one of the few times Levi has initiated physical intimacy. I refuse to miss a single second.
“Yes, we live together already.”
In my periphery, he lifts his chin. I peek up to see his eyes on my profile. Slowly, I level my gaze to meet his.
“But I want a place that is ours. I want a place that we choose. A place that we paint and decorate and do all that couple-y shit in.”
“Couple-y shit?” I laugh and inch closer to him.
The corner of his mouth tips up slightly. “I want a place that can be a fresh start for us both.” He rolls his lips between his teeth a moment. “Ollie, this place holds so many firsts for me and us. But I want more firsts with you. Not that we couldn’t have some of them here.” He shakes his head. “But I think in order for me to truly get over some of my mental hurdles, I need a new space and room to grow.”
My apartment above the garage doesn’t hold bad memories. Not that I recall. But I also see how these walls flaunt our past, like framed photos. I love so many of the good memories we created here, but I understand how Levi may feel inadequate because he is no longer the same person in those older images.
“You hate the idea, don’t you?”
I flip my hands and take his, giving his fingers a gentle squeeze. “No, moje srce. I’m just trying to see it through your eyes.”
The television plays in the background as our food goes cold on the table. Neither of us cares.
“Today was good with Dr. Hampton.”
I stop breathing and snap my attention to him. Every possible distraction fades away as I focus on Levi.
“We discussed work and how it felt to be back. She gave me a great idea of how to blend work with helping others. More on that later.” Levi’s eyes dart between mine as a subtle smile tips up one corner of his mouth. “But then we talked about how things are with you and me.”
My rib cage constricts as my heart hammers beneath my sternum. With a faint gasp, I wait for him to say more.
“I told her I wanted us to get our own place but that I hadn’t brought it up with you. The good doctor that she is, she asked why.” His fingers draw shaky lines over my skin as he pins me with his devastating blue eyes. “Because I’m fucking petrified you’ll say no and we won’t be the same.”
Every muscle in my body reacts, eager to reach for him, wrap him in my arms, and never let go. But I keep my hands in his. Wait for him to finish sharing his vulnerabilities.
“The thought of losing you…” He slowly shakes his head over and over. “It scares me more than anything.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” I vow. “Not now. Not ever.”
“I hear you and believe you.” His face screws up. “But there’s this small voice in the back of my head that makes me question everything.” He releases my hands, curls his into fists, and shakes them near his chest. “For fucking months, they drilled it into my head that I had no one. That I was unworthy of happiness or love or freedom.” His voice grows louder, harsher, angrier with every word. “That I was trash. A plaything. A punching bag.” He pushes to his feet and paces the room. “I fucking hate that I can’t make that damn voice go away.”
With measured moves, I rise from my seat and round the table. I mentally prepare for countless scenarios. But mostly, I just want to stay close and present as he unleashes his frustrations and anger.
“How do I make it go away, Ollie?” he pleads as his fingers dive into his hair.
I take a step in his direction. “Every time you hear that voice, I want to know. No matter where we are, what we’re doing, who we’re with, if you hear that voice, you tell me. If we’re not together, you call or text.” I take another step. “In return, I’ll remind you of what’s real. I’ll replace those falsehoods with open, honest truths. Even if they’re uncomfortable.”
“You swear?”
I close the distance between us, take his hands in mine, and pour every ounce of strength, love, and courage from my heart into his. “Forever, moje srce.”
He nods. “There’s one more thing.”
Lifting a hand to his jaw, I stroke his soft, fuller cheek and follow the action with my eyes. “What’s that?”
He takes a deep breath and waits until my gaze meets his. A little more of that shimmer has returned to his addictive blues. Oh, how I’ve missed that sparkle.
“I love you,” he whispers.
My eyes widen a beat before my vision blurs. Joy and thrill and love expand in my chest. My heart throbs and weeps and bursts with euphoria. As I open my mouth to say those three little yet enormous words back, I stumble. Swallowing past the emotion, I part my lips and try again.
“I love you so fucking much, moje srce. Until my last breath.”
He drops his forehead to rest on mine. “Moj zauvjek.”
Mine forever.
Then he takes me by surprise, erases the breath between us and presses his lips to mine. Every cell in my body sparks to life and melts simultaneously. The kiss is chaste, gentle, his lips softly caressing mine. But fuck… it is everything.
Badly as I want to deepen the kiss, I resist the urge. There is something to be said about subtle, sweet kisses. It is a promise and a tease and slow worship. It speaks from the heart and soul.
I love every kiss Levi has given me, but right now, after he said he loves me for the first time in too many months, this kiss is my favorite.
Too soon, he breaks the kiss and inhales a shaky breath. “Thank you.”
My brows tug together. “Why are you thanking me?”
Soft, stilted laughter leaves his lips. “I’m a fucking mess, Ollie.” He reaches up and cups my cheek. “And you’re still here.”
“Where else would I be?”
“Anywhere.” He shrugs. “But you stayed.”
“I stayed.”
“I love you, Ollie.” His thumb strokes my cheek. “I’ve wanted to say that for weeks, but it wouldn’t come out.”
Fisting his shirt, I haul him into my chest. “I won’t lie; hearing the words makes it more real. But Levi”—I rest my hand over his on my cheek—“I’ve always known how you felt, even when neither of us said it.”
His eyes glaze over. “Really?”
“Yeah.” I nod. “As for the other thing”—I inhale deeply, count to three, and exhale—“yes.”
Confusion mars his brow. “Yes?”
Slowly, I eliminate the space between our mouths and kiss him chastely. “Let’s find a place of our own.”
October 30th
After all the chaos, after all the ups and downs, life feels less heavy and uncertain. For the first time in months, L told me he loves me. When I told him I knew, it wasn’t a lie. It’s nice to hear the words. It’s nice to feel different versions of his affection. But he is part of me and I am part of him. His pain is my pain. His love is my love. His soul is my soul. There isn’t a damn thing on earth that will change this. Forever my love. Forever moje srce.