Chapter Twenty-one
Days rolled by without him, and I could not see myself enjoying Christmas without him. I tried to forget him, but I could not, and I felt miserable.
I wiped the mist off the mirror and stared closely at my reflection.
Who was I? I asked myself. But why did he do that?
Was I still the woman who couldn’t hurt a fly?
I must have hurt him, but then he was the first to hurt me.
I felt so pathetic. Several questions I could not answer were about to wrench my heart into pieces.
I let my body sprawl in the bathtub as the recollection of Jacob’s pathetic eyes tormented me. But then, I couldn’t wholly blame myself. I couldn’t have opened my mouth to say the words that were not readily there. I couldn’t have spoken when my mind had gone entirely blank.
And the kiss that led to all of these.
The kiss, though I should be held responsible for not refusing, was the fuel that powered the fire between us. Until then, we had been latent. I had been vulnerable at that moment and let my emotions sway me. I couldn’t be blamed for that. I was barely capable of controlling my feelings. No one is capable of perfectly controlling their feelings in different situations. It is a general flaw.
At the recollection of the softness of his lips against mine, my fingers traced my lips.
I had been lost in him and swept off my feet. It had been momentary, but it was a moment I could never forget.
That was who I was.
That was the kind of spirit I had always maintained.
What then changed? Why did I feel like I was no longer myself?
These feelings were not explainable and overpowered my senses. When I reflected on his words, I seemed to fish out my inadequacies.
I wasn’t doing right by myself, neither was I doing right by him. I needed to know what exactly I felt, but it proved difficult.
It was as if history wanted to repeat itself. My heart ached just as it did three years ago. It seemed like he was leaving me, again.
Or-
Was I the one doing the leaving, this time around?
However, Daisy didn’t just disappear; she visited me at my house, telling me how he was faring and his whereabouts, and she said she felt I needed to know. I asked her why.
“You are still family to me, even if you and my brother may not work out.” She said to me.
“Thank you,” I felt grateful.
“But I think you can work things out with Jacob if you want to. It’s a matter of the heart, but if you have the slightest love for him, you can take the risk.” She opined.
“I don’t know.”
“Ease your mind. You don’t have to make a decision right away.” She assured me.
I was at least grateful she was still around and had not vanished into thin air. I concluded that she had indeed grown. Everyone had grown but me.
When I looked in the mirror, I still saw my twenty-three-year-old self, the young lady who loved and got her heart broken and didn’t want to love again.
My phone vibrated in my hand, and I started back to life. It was my mom. I had told her about everything, and she insisted on coming despite the fact I had told her I would make it home for Christmas and my situation as it was, wasn’t a matter of life and death as she deemed it to be.
“I’m at your door.” She sounded upset.
She had been ringing the doorbell for some time, but no response had come, so she was forced to call me.
“Are you still sulking?” She asked even before she settled down. “You should not be sulking a few days to Christmas!”
“I feel so stupid, Mom.” I sat next to her, breaking down. “Why did he have to do that without my consent? I felt so embarrassed.”
“It’s okay to feel stupid when you are in love. No one’s stopping you. Go ahead. And as for the clearance, he’s sorry, you know, he only cares for you.” She said with a kind of knowledge that was peculiar to motherhood.
“Have you ever felt this way before?” I asked, curious.
“I’m not in your shoes, so I cannot say per se. But yes, I have felt so stupid in love.”
“Do you think I am in love with Jacob, Mom?” I found myself asking what I had long since asked myself.
“Isn’t it obvious? You have feelings for him. Have you looked in the mirror lately? It is written all over your face, just how much you love him.”
I sighed.
“But he broke my trust, again. Also, I do not feel like I felt when I first confessed my feelings for him.”
“Right, but I tell you, love takes different dimensions to manifest.” She said, wiping away my tears.
I nodded, feeling a little bit better.
“Have you had breakfast yet?” She asked, worry-struck.
“No, I don’t have an appetite.”
“I don’t buy that. Look at how skinny you’ve become. You’re almost a skeleton.” She grimaced.
“Mom?” I cried.
“I’m only telling the truth.” She pouted.
I wanted to believe her. I wanted to believe all that she had said about love. But my heart was swaying.
I thought I could open the coffee shop and enjoy attending to customers like any other day, however, I was wrong.
My odd feelings were so blatant that I got lots of:
“I hope you are good.”
“Are you fine?”
“Is it the weather?”
Though Christmas was approaching and people were already reveling in the festivities, the face of the world wore a pallid look, and nothing could cheer me on throughout the day. Not even my mother could.
I finally had to admit to myself that I missed Jacob.
Towards evening, Daisy visited me.
“I was so bored, I couldn’t stay in that house for a second longer.” She cried.
“You are always welcome here, Daisy.”
“Thank you, babe. I also came to update you on the jewelry.”
“Oh really?”
“Yeah, Nathan got a professional jeweler to work for us. Though he is not well-known, he has samples of jewelry that speak well for him.” She explained.
“That’s good news. I’m sure Mom will be super happy to hear about it.”
“What will you have, Daisy, tarts or muffins?” Mom peered from the kitchen.
“Muffins!” Daisy chuckled.
“Good, now that’s two against one.” Mom winked at me.
She was referring to wanting to bake muffins before Daisy came, but I insisted on apple tarts.
“Thank you,” Daisy smiled, and then Mom disappeared into the kitchen again.
“I heard there’s going to be a fair here,” she began.
“ A fair?”
“ Yeah, it’s for Christmas. I heard there’s usually a Christmas fair every year.” She said.
“That sounds fun. Do you intend to stay back for it?” I wanted to know.
“Right. Yeah. I don’t like to miss such festivities. I’ll leave immediately after.”
“Cool.”
“Will you be there? I’d love for you to be there.” She said.
“I’ll try.”
Secretly, I wondered whether Jacob was going to be there or not.
“I’ll make us tea,” I said, going into the kitchen.
A few moments later, Mom joined Daisy in the living room, after having set the dough inside the oven.
On my way back to the living room, I happened to overhear my mom and Daisy’s conversation. At first, I didn’t know they were talking about me, but then I soon figured it out.
“She’s merely pretending to be okay.” My mom said.
“I don’t know what to do to help her.”
“I don’t think we are capable of actually doing anything to help. The ball is in her court.” My mom responded.
“Right. I hope she plays the ball soon. Jacob is devastated.” Daisy uttered.
“Hopefully. I hope Jacob will be fine.” Mom said.
“He’s holding it together. I think I’m beginning to envy his love for Clara, it’s insane. I have never seen him so down and because of a woman. I think Clara is really lucky.”
“If only she could come to terms with her feelings. Jacob would do anything for her. He’s such a nice man.” Mom commented.
“Clara is strong. She’s been through a lot, emotionally. I, myself, was a coward. I wasn’t brave enough to be there for her during her difficult times. But I won’t let my action repeat itself. I’ll be by her side.” Daisy mused.
“I don’t think she could have a better best friend.” Mom said.
“I did not see Jacob’s car in the driveway,” she continued.
“Yeah, he visited Mom. He should be back today anyway.”
“Oh, nice.”
The tea gradually grew cold in my hand. I continually stared at it, contemplating what to do with my life. I was definitely at a crossroads.
The memories of the past three years flashed through my head.
I remembered how I had been left alone.
I remembered the tears that streamed down my face.
I remembered my endless slumber in bed because I didn’t want to wake up to the reality of my miserable life.
I remembered my mom’s fervent complaints about how fast I was drowning in my despair.
I remembered how I hated walking on the street when I finished work because I became nauseous whenever I saw happy couples walking hand-in-hand.
I remembered how I had been laid off because my boss evaluated my proficiency to be less than the minimum accepted by the company which I worked for.
I remembered sulking over a pathetic email.
I remembered going on a getaway where I mostly indulged in pacing up and down my bedroom.
I remembered how lonely and depressed I was.
We had dreams, dreams we created out of love on passionate nights but he dashed them all.
But strangely, I found purpose when Aunt Madeline passed away. Her death offered me a new start, and here I was.
Ah! I was still stuck, even at a fresh start!
“I think that’s Jacob.” The sound of Daisy’s voice, coupled with the car’s horn outside, distracted me. “ Do tell Clara I’ll be right back.” She said, and the door opened and closed.
“Sure,” Mom said.
Then I walked back into the living room.
“Clara, what took you so long?” Mom queried.
Besides myself, I ran across the room and reached for her.
“What’s the matter, baby?” She asked again. By then, tears were already streaming down my cheeks.
“Mom, I think I know what to do now,” I said, resolved about my decision.
“What do you mean?” She asked, perplexed.
Cupping my face in her hands, she wiped away my tears.
“I’m going to Jacob’s. I need to let him know that I have forgiven him. I’ll tell him how much l love him, too.”
Slowly, a sweet smile formed on her face.
She stroked and kissed my hair. “Well done, baby. You have made the best decision.”
“Thank you, Mom, but I need your help.” I sniffed.
“With what?”
I smirked.
I’m sure my eyes were sparkling like the light of the Christmas tree in the corner of the room.