Chapter 9 All I Could Do Was Cry
ALL I COULD DO WAS CRY
The room was filled with grunts and thuds as everyone delivered sharp punches against leather bags.
The instructor's voice came over the speaker, counting off combinations.
The sound of sneakers squeaking on the mats echoed around the room.
My girlfriends and I followed the directions, sweating and panting.
I stayed locked in, never taking my gaze off the bag.
I kicked harder than I should have, again and again, each strike landing with a thick, punishing sound, louder than the last. It was a pretty great way to get some of my frustrations out.
"Damn, Liv, whose face are you picturing on that bag?" Alex's question came just as the instructor ended the class.
"You don’t need to ask that," Mei said. "It’s obvious she’s picturing Luke’s future wifey."
Together, we all walked out of the studio. Mei’s words annoyed me, causing heat to rise in my already flushed skin. Luke's future wife, I think not.
Desperate to talk about anything but him, I dabbed the sweat from my face and directed the attention to Alex. "How's Amoré Nights coming along?"
She smiled. "We have all the investors needed. Between you, me, and Demetria, plus Luke, we brought in a few more, and then GreenSlate came in and invested fifty percent."
I was proud of Alex. Back in college, my friend came up with what she called the perfect dating app, and it was one step closer to becoming real.
"GreenSlate?" Demetria repeated. "They don't normally invest in startups."
"Well, they do now," Alex said as we made our way into the women’s changing room.
"Mei, how's medical school?"
My friend looked at me then shrugged. "It's school. Nobody is having a good time. Just lots of stress and tests. Some days I question if I really want to be a doctor."
Demetria beat me to it, patting her on the shoulder. "Grad school is no joke. I understand completely. There were plenty of times in law school I wanted to quit. Soon you’ll find a pack of undergrads to help you kill the time, the way I got lucky when I met you bitches."
As I retrieved my things from the locker, talk turned (again!) to Luke.
"Liv, I heard you’re looking to get an arson charge."
Darn it. Demetria's cousin and Jacqueline were married, so I didn't have to guess how she’d learned that embarrassing bit of information. The other two widened their eyes and waited for an explanation.
"This is getting scary," Mei mumbled.
I tried to make light of the incident. "I wouldn’t even call it a fire. Barely a singe. A little lace was damaged."
"Olivia!" Alex said with concern.
Slamming my locker shut, I sighed, then faced them. "Don’t make a big deal about nothing."
"What if the fire got out of control and you burned down the building, maybe even killed yourself?" Demetria said in a tone that was the reason I didn't tell her in the first place.
"Don't be dramatic."
They all widened their eyes even more. In unison. It was creepy.
So I spoke clearly. "I'd truly rather die in flames than give Luke to that woman."
Their eyes widened further.
"You waited too long, and now you have to steal him," Mei said as we filed out of the locker room.
The words hit like a body shot, low and powerful, and I needed to regain my balance.
Demetria finally spoke. "If you tell Luke how you feel, I still say he'd choose you."
"Nobody willingly changes brides after they get engaged. Liv will have to fight for him," Alex countered.
"You always play Thelma to her Louise," Mei said. By her tone, Alex and I knew it wasn't meant to be a compliment.
When I felt an arm around me, I knew it was Alex. "From the classroom to the prison cells. I've got her back."
All four of us laughed hysterically. That was the thing with having girlfriends: Even when we didn't agree, I could always count on them to make me feel better.
Some downtime with my girls was exactly what I needed. As Hopeton drove, I found myself curious. The man had known me since I was a little girl. He'd seen Luke and me together for years. "Do you think if given an ultimatum, Luke would pick me over that woman?"
Briefly, I felt foolish, and since it seemed he hadn’t heard me over the music, I could pretend I’d never spoken.
"Mr. Forrester and you sure seem intent on doing this the hard way, but I have faith in the end that you'll find your way together. I've watched the two of you since you were kids. You are destined to be together."
It was strange how everyone else seemed so sure that we were meant to be together, but I was consumed with fear that it might not work out and that I’d lose my best friend.
"Don't worry," Hopeton said when I didn’t answer. "Just tell Mr. Forrester how you feel."
I lowered my head, remembering a time I did just that. When I did the thing that everybody was telling me to do, but nobody knew I’d already done. They weren't there; they didn't have to live with the rejection.
It was my junior year of college, and the girls and I were out singing Karaoke.
I wasn’t normally the type to overdo it.
I could handle liquor. Except for that night.
That night, the number of drinks got away from me.
So I sent a message to my hero, asking him to rescue me.
Luke showed up, not just for me, but for all of us.
That was always his way.
Whenever I got into trouble, I called Luke.
When he came that night, I remember watching him walk toward us in his varsity jacket, blond hair ruffled.
Strong feelings returned to me that hadn't resurfaced since prom night.
After Luke got hold of Alex's boyfriend Bruno, Mei's roommate, and Demetria's brother, he placed me in his BMW and drove off.
I glanced outside the passenger side window, and I figured out where we were headed. Luke's off-campus apartment. My roommate was an uptight bitch. I complained about her so often that I’m sure my friends were as sick of her as I was. She'd just love to file another complaint about me.
"I'll take you to my place to sober up."
I heard him but didn’t respond. Something in me wanted to be taken care of by Luke. So, there in his passenger seat, I closed my eyes to steady my head from spinning. It was filled with crazy thoughts.
"Why did you get so drunk?"
I didn’t answer.
Minutes later, I heard the engine go silent, followed by a soft thud from the driver's side door shutting. I sat still and waited, heart pounding, listening for the sound of my own door opening. When I heard it, I held my breath until Luke’s hand slide beneath me, strong and steady.
I didn’t say a word, just let the warmth of his touch speak louder than anything I could have said.
Luke lifted me with ease, his arms steady and sure.
My head dropped against his shoulder, dizzy from the closeness.
His scent wrapped around me, and I closed my eyes to hold on to the moment.
In his arms, I felt at home, where I had always belonged.
And I cursed myself for waiting so long to admit it.
This was exactly where I was supposed to be. I fit perfectly there.
The moment he laid me down, I knew where we were.
Over the years, Luke’s bedrooms had always been familiar to me.
Whether his sheets were covered in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or his beloved football team, I knew Luke's bedroom like the back of my hand. Especially this one, since I had picked the curtains, all the furniture, pillows, and even the 400 thread count sheets he’d just laid me on.
There, on his bed, I felt like I was drowning in his scent.
My thoughts were a quiet storm I couldn't escape.
Slowly, I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling.
These feelings for Luke weren't new, but today they came crashing down harder than ever, making them impossible to ignore.
The truth was, I wanted more than friendship, and my excuses for settling were nothing but fear.
I screwed my eyes shut tight, daring myself to say it. To tell him how I felt.
"Liv, are you going to be sick?" Luke asked, concern filling his voice. I felt a hand on my arm. "Come on, I'll take you."
It took all the strength in me, but I pulled away. "No."
"No, what? Let's go before you vomit on my bed."
This wasn't how I thought I would confess my feelings, not while he worried I was about to puke.
Slowly, I rose from the bed and pushed the hand Luke offered. However, just my luck, I lost my footing. Before I fell, he reached for my waist.
Silence.
As I steadied myself against him, I felt his chest rise beneath my palm. I couldn't look away.
"Luke, I love you." My words came out softer than intended, wrapped in a vulnerability I couldn’t hide, no matter how hard I tried.
I remember it like it was yesterday. Luke scoffed. "Sure you do. I love you too."
I pushed him away, took a few steps back, and stared at him. He didn’t believe me; I could see it in his face. As I watched him, I was already searching for a way to convince him.
It took every ounce of courage in me to get those words out.
I didn't have any more left in me, so I did the next best thing.
I rushed forward, grabbed his shirt, and pressed my lips to his.
Luke's body stiffened, and I opened my eyes to find his hands suspended in the air.
Slowly, I pulled back. His shocked expression felt like a slap.
For a brief moment earlier, I imagined Luke was kissing me back and let myself enjoy the kiss. Now, the warmth I imagined between us disappeared.
"Liv ... no. We're friends and ..."
I couldn't hear another word. I knew rejection when I heard it. Desperate to be anyplace but there, I raised a hand to my mouth and ran away from him toward the bathroom. "I think I'm going to be sick."
It was a lie, but it got me out of the room. I stayed locked in the bathroom. If I was hidden behind a door, I didn't have to deal with the consequences of what I’d done.
"Do you want me to get you something?" Luke called through the door.
"No, I'm fine."
Silence.
"I'm just going to wash up," I said.
"I'll leave a clean shirt on the bed. Call me if you need anything."
Obviously, he meant anything but him.
"Okay. Thanks."
That night, I took a shower and quickly climbed under Luke's sheets.
What I needed was sleep. That would fix it all.
Tomorrow would come, and it would all be .
.. Suddenly, the thought of facing him in the morning sliced through me.
The room was quiet, but my pain from the embarrassment rang loud.
Rolling to my side, I pulled the sheet over my head.
If I had one wish, I'd take it all back, or at least find out this was all a terrible dream.
The expression Luke had, and his words, gnawed at me.
I'd messed up. Should've done what I was doing all along, shoved those feelings deep down within me and pretended they didn’t exist. We were friends and that's all we'd ever be.
Over and over, I scolded myself. Stupid.
Stupid. Stupid. A small part of me hoped to die in my sleep.
Anything was better than facing Luke tomorrow.
The next day arrived, no matter how much I willed it not to. I'd hid in Luke's bedroom, eyeing a window as a means of escape, when a knock came at the door.
"Liv, you decent?" Without waiting even a second for my answer, Luke added, "I'm coming in."
Leaving little time to think, I sat up, and in under two seconds, my poker face was on. "Hey. What smells so good?"
"I made breakfast. Figured you might not want a big meal, so I let you sleep." He rifled through drawers. As he pulled out clean clothes, I waited to hear if he'd say anything about last night.
"Want me to make you a smoothie or drive you back to campus?"
I blinked. I'd confessed love, and Luke acted like it never happened.
"No. I'll take a taxi," I said as I got out of his bed and searched for my stuff. "Where's my phone and purse?"
"Liv, about last night …"
I froze and met his eyes. "Yes?"
"Friends don't hold mistakes against each other."
Mistakes. The word hollowed me out. Last night hadn't been a mistake; it was the truest thing I'd ever done.
"Our friendship is the most important thing to me. I won’t let one mistake ruin everything. You mean the world to me." He didn’t look away from me. Not once. His eyes were pleading. "We all do stupid things when we’ve had too much to drink."
I blinked against his words. He didn’t feel the same way about me. I hadn’t ever seriously considered that he might not. I’d put our friendship in jeopardy. Me. Stupid, stupid me.
"I'm sorry about last night," I blurted out.
Luke ran a hand through his hair and looked away, turning his attention back to the drawers. "You were drunk, right? Never would have happened otherwise?"
Silence. I knew what I was supposed to say, but it made my heart ache to say it. "Obviously," I said with as much sincerity as I could muster. Each syllable scraped my throat raw.
I could see his body relax, and I forced myself to reassure him further.
"Do you know how many men I’ve slept with and regretted it the next morning?"
Truth was, there had been none. I’d never been drunk enough to make a stupid decision like that, just like last night hadn’t been a drunken mistake either.
"That's not a club I want to join," Luke said, then patted me on the head like I'd seen him do to Ella. To him, I was no different than his sister, and I should have known that.
"Let me wash up, and then I’ll take you home."
Feeling my brave face could falter at any moment, I jumped into action.
As I pulled on my pants and searched for my shoes, I explained, "Luke, relax. I'm totally fine now. The last thing I need is to be chaperoned back to my dorm. Sorry about bothering you last night."
His eyes widened. "What bother? Didn't I tell you when I was four years old and running around in a Superman costume, cape included, that I'd always save you?"
"My hero," I whispered, fighting back tears, though the crack in my voice might have betrayed me.
What had once been my comfort now felt like a curse. Saving me was easy. Loving me was another matter.