Farrah (The Delicate Flowers #1)

PROLOGUE

TEN YEARS OLD

I tried to be as quiet as possible as I opened the Twinkie I’d stolen from the corner store on my walk home from summer school - not that anyone would notice since Mom had a bunch of her friends over and their music was louder than usual.

If I lived in a normal house with a normal family, I knew I’d get in trouble, not just for stealing the Twinkie, but for swiping a lighter off the coffee table and using it to light the candle I’d found in the junk drawer earlier this afternoon before Mom and her boyfriend came home.

Once the candle sputtered to life, I started singing. “Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday dear Farrah, happy birthday to me.”

I blew out the candle and made a wish - the same wish I had made every time I blew out a candle, even some of the smelly ones Mom kept around the house to mask the smell of the drugs she liked to smoke.

“I wish I could live in a quiet house with a real family who loves me.”

TWELVE YEARS OLD

“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Farrah, happy birthday to you!”

I smiled when my foster brother made his voice really deep and sang, “And many mooooooore!”

“Blow out your candles, sweetheart!” Sandra, my foster mother, said cheerfully from the other side of the table.

I blew it out and thought hard about the wish I wanted to make this year. I was in a peaceful and safe home with people who loved me, so I couldn’t think of anything to wish for.

I ignored the knock on the front door because I’d been here too long to remember how afraid I used to be when someone randomly appeared. I was too happy right now to think about my old life. I was watching Sandra cut the cake when her husband, Tink, appeared in the doorway with a frown. Behind him was my caseworker, a usually stern woman who looked almost as sad as Tink.

I knew right then that I should have used my wish because they were making me go back.

“Today of all days,” Sandra commented angrily as she slid a plate in front of me. When the caseworker just nodded, Sandra leaned down and gave me a kiss on the temple before she whispered, “Just enjoy your cake right now, Farrah. We’ll worry about the rest later.”

EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD

“Happy birthday to us, happy birthday to us, happy birthday to the most perfect baby boy in the whole entire world, happy birthday to you!”

The infant in my arms squirmed around a little, probably offended by my horrible singing voice, but I didn’t care. For the first time in my life, I had received a wonderful birthday gift - although I had to go through a whole lot of discomfort for months on end and then hours of painful labor to get him here.

But he was absolutely perfect and wonderful, and I was so glad to finally have him with me that I ignored the pitying looks of the nurses who came in and out regularly. Yes, I went through my labor all alone, but I’d been doing things alone for most of my life, so why should today be any different?

“We’re going to make a great team, Colt. Me and you against the world. Everything’s going to be just fine.”

TWENTY-NINE YEARS OLD

“Farrah, honey, what’s wrong?”

“Aunt Sandy, I need your help.”

I could hear Tink in the background, probably grumpy because I’d interrupted his sleep, but Sandy sounded very awake when she asked, “Are you in trouble again?”

“Yeah. I fucked up.”

“Where’s Colt?”

“I don’t know!” I wailed. “When the cops came . . . there were so many of them. They took him before I could remind him to call you! I don’t know what to do.”

“Oh, Farrah,” Sandra whispered sadly. “Where are you right now?”

“I’m in lockup at Little Rock PD. I finally got my phone call and wanted to make sure Colt was taken care of. I know! I know I should have thought of that before, but . . . I fucked up.”

“You sure did, but I’ll do what I can to take care of Colt while you figure out how to get your shit straight and find a way back to being the mom Colt needs in his life.”

“Can you take him in?”

“You know we can’t keep him permanently, but we can keep him for a while until you get sober and settled again.”

“Thank you, Aunt Sandy.”

“I don’t want your thanks, young lady. I want you to get your act together and do what needs to be done to give your son a better life than you had.”

“I haven’t done that.”

“You haven’t done that yet, but you’ve still got time if you’re still breathing.”

THIRTY-THREE YEARS OLD

“I’m so sorry I was too late to celebrate your birthday with everyone else, Colt.” My son just stared at me like I was shit on his shoe, and I knew that I deserved his scorn. He didn’t have to tell me how upset with me he was because I could see it on his face and the faces of his foster parents who were standing on the porch behind him. “I promise to do better, okay?”

“How many times have you said that to me?” Colt asked angrily.

“But I mean it this time! I really do. I’ve got a good job and . . .”

“I can smell it on you,” Colt hissed. “How long before they pop you for a drug test and you fail again? Tomorrow? Next week? Jesus, Mom, this is bullshit. I’m sick of waiting on you to get a grip on yourself. You’re gone and then you’re back, and from what I can see right now, you’re gonna be gone again soon.”

“That’s harsh.”

“That’s the damn truth! If you’ve taught me anything, it’s to look for it and hold it tight because truth doesn’t come around very often when you’re involved.”

“I’m so sorry, Colt.”

“Save it. I’m done waiting. Sign the papers to give me up, or I’m going to use the money I’ve made working this summer to file for emancipation. I can do better than you are right now on my own, and I will if you don’t give me the chance to finally say I’ve got a permanent home and family.”

“That’s what I always wanted.”

“And that’s what you always promised to give me, yet here we are.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“I’m done.”

Colt stomped up the porch steps before he disappeared into the house. I could tell that Danielle, his longtime foster mother, wanted to follow him, but instead, she spun around and glared at me.

“I’m going to report this, Farrah. You know you’re not supposed to be here without arranging it through Family Services. I couldn't stop him from coming out to talk to you, and in a way, I’m glad he did. He was finally able to get it off his chest and tell you how he really feels, but now I need to go inside and make sure he’s okay.”

“I just need some time, you know? I’ve got a lot going on and I . . . Fuck!”

The screen door flew open, and Colt moved across the porch with a bundle of papers in his hand. He thrust them toward me before he yelled, “Sign the goddamn papers before you pass out on the lawn.”

“Colt! We don’t talk like that in this family,” Danielle chided.

“If she’d just go away for good, I could really be part of this family!”

“Come inside, baby,” Danielle said as she put her arms around his shoulders. It broke my heart to see the tears streaming down his cheeks, and when I looked down at the papers, I saw that the ink was smudged with my own. Over her shoulder, Danielle said, “I’m calling to make a report now, Farrah. You should go.”

FORTY-FIVE YEARS OLD

“Colt! What in the world? I didn’t expect you to show up!”

Colt shrugged before he said, “I was in the neighborhood.”

“You look very handsome in your uniform.”

“I bet it gave everyone in there a pretty big scare when I walked up the steps.”

“I’ve got a pretty good crew inside this time. They’re on the same path I am, and they’re all just as driven to make sure they stay on it.”

“That’s good.”

“As a matter of fact, we were about to leave for a meeting.”

“Want a ride? I’m headed to a meeting myself.”

“You are?”

“What do you think got me to the place in life where I can finally talk to you?”

“Good point,” I admitted, knowing that Colt didn’t have substance issues, but mine had affected him so much that he needed the support. “Can you take us in your patrol car?”

“I’m off duty in about twenty minutes, so I’ll go turn in my car and change before I come pick y’all up in my truck.”

“Honestly, I don’t think any of us want to ride in that car anyway, but if you come back and pick us up that saves us from having to take the bus.”

“There are some shady characters hanging out at the bus stops around here.”

“You saw us waiting for our bus earlier?” I asked with a grin.

“Give me a hug, old woman.”

“Gladly,” I said before I threw my arms around my son. He’d filled out since the last time I’d seen him, and the pictures he’d sent over the years didn’t do him justice at all. I knew he probably wasn’t ready for too much affection, but I cherished what he offered. I squeezed him tight before I let him go again, and as I stepped back, I said, “I’m so proud of you, Colt.”

“I’m proud of you too. From what I hear, you’re doing great.”

“Every day is one step closer to a wonderful future.”

“Keep walking the straight and narrow, and you’ll find me on the path, cheering you on.”

“That’s the plan.”