CHAPTER NINE
Akio
LUCAS’ GUEST bed was nice and comfy and yet sleep didn’t come. Just knowing Lucas was in the other room had his brain in overdrive. His body, too. It took everything to try and suppress those images, those feelings. The last thing he was going to do was jerk off to thoughts of Lucas with the man in the next room.
A clinking like two glasses touching had him sitting upright. It had to be Lucas. If someone had broken in, he doubted they’d start with a glass of water in the kitchen.
He pulled the covers back and stepped into the slippers Lucas had handed him earlier. They were blue, fluffy, and very comfortable. There wasn’t a whole lot of heat on. Whether Lucas was saving on the bills because of how rarely he was home, or if he simply preferred the cold, he didn’t know.
He headed into the kitchen, unsurprised to find Lucas standing by the sink, an empty glass on the counter next to him.
“Can’t sleep either?”
Lucas raised his head slowly, those dark, enchanting eyes leveling Akio with a look that had goosebumps rising on his arms.
“No,” Lucas said, his voice like a soft blanket settling over him.
He stepped closer.
“I can see the worry on your face,” he said, stopping when he was right next to Lucas, their arms nearly brushing.
Lucas’ jaw clenched for a second and then he sighed, leaning back against the counter, one hand grasping the edge.
“It’s hard not to worry about you.”
Why that had his stomach filling with butterflies, he wasn’t sure. He already knew Lucas cared. It was quite obvious considering the fact that he was staying with the man who also hadn’t given him much of a choice in the matter.
He turned his back to the counter, and rested against it, gazing out the window at the buildings, some still with the light on here and there.
“I once thought no one caring about me was the worst,” he said, keeping his voice low. He knew Lucas was looking at him, but he kept his gaze straight ahead. “People caring enough to worry? I still don’t know how to handle it. I mean… I’ve gotten good at pretending but in all honesty? Knowing that people think me so weak that they have to constantly worry about me, I just…”
Arms wrapped around him, and he could barely suck in a breath, his chest so damned tight he felt like it might cave in.
“No one thinks you weak,” Lucas said, cheek against the top of Akio’s head.
Lucas leaned back, meeting Akio’s confused gaze.
“There aren’t many people who would survive what you went through.”
He shook his head, knowing full well that what he went through was nothing compared to what the people his father trafficked went through. The abuse he suffered had nothing on theirs.
Lucas’ hands rose to cup Akio’s face, keeping him from shaking his head.
“Yes.” Lucas’ gaze was burning with conviction. “You went through hell. No matter what you’re trying to tell yourself. No matter the justifications you’re trying to come up with. You survived, and now? You’ve chosen to thrive. To live. In spite of him.”
He could only nod, eyes closing for a second as he soaked in the feel of Lucas’ hands on his face.
“You’re not weak, Akio. You’re brave. So fucking brave,” Lucas said, voice getting softer with each word.
Lucas’ gaze dropped to Akio’s lips and his heart took flight as he stupidly thought for a fleeting second that he might actually kiss him. Logically, he knew he wouldn’t, but there would always be that little part of him that couldn’t give up that dream. That hope.
The hands on his face disappeared and Lucas took a step back.
“You want something to drink? Tea? Water?”
“Do you have hot chocolate?” he asked, perking up a bit.
Lucas’ smile was warm as his eyes lit up.
“I do. I’ll make you a cup.”
Lucas nudged Akio toward the couch, and he went with a soft smile on his lips.
The couch was too big for just one or two people, but it looked comfortable to lie on, which was probably why Lucas had gotten it. After long days of seeing unspeakable things, dropping onto a couch seemed like a necessity.
There was a soft blue knitted blanket folded over one end of the couch. It was soft between his fingers as he grabbed it. He wrapped it around his shoulders and sat down on the couch, the warmth making him relax.
He was staring out the windows when Lucas put a steaming mug down on the coffee table.
“Thank you,” he said, smiling up at Lucas before reaching for the mug.
Lucas sat down on the couch next to him, both too close and too far away at once.
“How did you and Chris meet?”
Lucas turned surprised eyes on Akio, mouth opening and closing as he stared at him for a moment.
“We met in college.” Lucas dropped his gaze to his hands, leaning forward, elbows resting on his knees. “We were together for three years. I was convinced we’d last forever. We’d get into the FBI together and we’d work together. I thought he was my forever. That’s why I proposed.”
The lump in Akio’s throat was almost too painful to swallow against.
“You know why we broke up.”
He nodded even though Lucas wasn’t looking at him.
“Chris and I have different versions of what happened,” Lucas said and dropped his head into his hands with a sigh, fingers sliding into his hair. “Of course, his account isn’t wrong, but he never got to be on the other side of that experience, either.”
He was quiet for a while and Akio busied himself with his hot chocolate to keep from pushing Lucas to speak before he was ready. As much as his heart hated this conversation, he knew it was something he needed to hear. Something he wanted to know.
“From the second we got word that Chris would never even be considered for the Bureau, he changed. He had this anger like I’d never seen in him before. It tore us apart. I ended up at a point where I knew I had to choose: the career I’d always dreamt of or a relationship I wasn’t sure could be saved. If we’d stayed together, if I’d become an FBI agent while he couldn’t, he would’ve resented me and if I hadn’t become an agent, I would’ve resented him. It was the best decision for both of us. I had to let him go.”
A hand on top of his had him glancing up to find Lucas looking at him, something vulnerable flashing through his eyes.
“I’m glad I did,” Lucas said.
He didn’t know if Lucas was wrong, if he and Chris could’ve made it work, but he was glad they hadn’t tried. His brother wouldn’t have Chris, and he wouldn’t have had a family.
He felt his lips twitch and forced a smile as he said, “I’m sure Diesel is, too.”
An unreadable expression crossed Lucas’ face momentarily, but then he grinned at Akio and leaned back.
“You should drink that before it goes cold,” Lucas said with a nod toward Akio’s mug.
Akio tried to smile, unsure if Lucas bought it. He grabbed the mug, using it to cover his face as he took a sip of chocolate.
“Do you know what you’re going to do after college?”
He was relieved by the change of topic but winced at himself when he instantly blurted out, “Fuck, no.”
Lucas laughed, the hearty sound making his heart beat faster, warmth spreading through his body. Lucas had always made him feel at ease in a way no one else could. He’d always felt safe with him.
They kept talking until he could barely keep his eyes open, and he vaguely recalled feeling a warm body against his before he drifted off.