19. Prudence
I fell asleep in Creed’s arms on the couch, with Genevieve sitting on my other side. None of us really spoke, I think because they were respecting my catatonic state that I’d slipped into. I appreciated it while simultaneously felt entirely uncomfortable about it. I wanted to reassure everyone’s concerned looks, tell them that I would get through yet another loss, but I just… couldn’t. I couldn’t form the words.
Maybe I’m not alright. Maybe I never will be again.
When I wake up hours later, tucked into the bed in the guest bedroom with Griffin close but not quite touching me, I feel like I can’t breathe. Creed is on the far side of the bed, probably worried about triggering me, so neither of my guys are crowding me or touching me.
I’m coming out of a brutal, bloody nightmare, but I can’t remember the details now that I’m awake. I’m coated in a cold sweat, trembling, my throat tight like an invisible hand is locked around it.
Neither of them wake from my heavy breathing, which is a relief. I don’t want to be coddled right now. My friend is dead, and it’s my fault. My mom is gone, and it”s my fault. All of this is my fault. Running, hiding, putting Genevieve’s cabin on their radar.
It’s all my fucking fault.
I don’t deserve to be taken care of with Griffin’s tender touch or Creed’s possessively sweet words. I just want to feel this pain alone and let it wreck me.
I slip out of the bed as quietly as I can, and the second my feet hit the ground, I dart out of the room, across the hall, and into the bathroom. It’s pitch black outside, not even the moon shining in through the bathroom window. I vaguely remember Creed trying to rouse me with the promise of food at some point, but I didn’t eat. I don’t think I’ll be able to stomach any food for a while. Not while the memory of Annie’s head is still so fresh in my mind.
Shuddering, I turn the water on in the shower and then strip and climb in without waiting for it to heat up. The icy blast on my skin takes my breath away, but I relish in the moment and the clarity it brings me. I don’t deserve a comfortable, warm shower. Not right now. Not when I bring trouble and death to everyone around me.
I should go back to Blackwood and hand myself in.
Fear prickles along my spine at that thought, but no matter how scared I am, I know it’s the only way to guarantee everyone else’s safety. I could barter myself in exchange for The Celestials leaving Creed, Griffin, and Asher alone. Genevieve too, now that they know where her cabin is. In running to my sister, I’ve only managed to throw her into the danger she had avoided her entire life.
Now that they know she’s harboring me and the guys, will they strike? Will I find her dismembered body parts next?
My stomach sours, but with no food in me, there’s nothing to purge. I just have to sit with these overwhelming feelings with no way of ridding them. With weak knees, I slide down the shower wall, the tiles cold and biting along my back, until my ass plops down on the chilly floor while the lukewarm water cascades over me from above.
I tuck my knees up to my chest and cry. I cry for my mom. For Annie. For myself. I cry for the guys and my sister, whose lives are essentially in my hands now and one wrong move on my part could snuff them all out.
I cry for the girl I wish I could be and for the girl I had no choice in becoming.
Time slips by while I fall apart on the shower floor, mourning and fearful, angry and itching to do something to right this mess. I make up my mind, in the midst of my breakdown, to find a chance to slip away and go back to The Celestials. They guys will grieve, but they’ll eventually move on. And they’ll have the time to find someone better, because they’ll all be alive. If that’s the only thing I can do for them to show my love, then it has to be good enough.
They’ll understand my sacrifice one day, even if they don’t like it.
Maybe an hour later, once my skin is wrinkled from the water, and my eyes are swollen and stinging from my tears, the bathroom door swings open. I tense, panic clawing at me. I don’t want anyone seeing me like this, while I’m so weak and messy.
Asher walks in, closing the door behind him gently. He looks at the shower, his gaze dropping to me on the floor a second later, and then he’s striding forward with a deep frown marring his gorgeous face. I don’t say a word and neither does he. He just opens the shower door, steps in fully clothed, and sinks to the floor beside me. He doesn’t try to wrangle me into his lap the way Creed would. Nor does he speak to me in a caring, gentle voice, like Griffin would. And I’m thankful for it. I don”t want those things right now. Asher simply sits next to me, close enough that our thighs touch, while his jade eyes sweep over my face and down my shivering body.
After a few silent moments, I can’t take the intensity I find in his gaze anymore, so I close my eyes and lean my head back against the wall. “I can’t handle a verbal battle right now, Asher. I know you”re upset I don”t want to run again, and I get it, but I refuse to keep cowering and uprooting everyone over and over again,” I croak out, my voice rough and raw. “We can make plans tomorrow, okay? I just want to drown in here for now.”
Asher sighs, shifting until he can wrap an arm around my shoulders, drawing me into his side a bit. His fingers draw delicate patterns on my arm while he says, “No more battles, Prudence. I promise. Just let me sit in silence and drown with you.”
I nod, fighting off a fresh wave of tears. I lose that fight, the first one slipping down my cheek, and then I bury my face in the crook of his neck and cry some more.
Asher doesn’t poke fun at me or tell me to knock it off and be strong. He doesn’t laugh or snort or try to push me away. He just holds me and leans his cheek on top of my head while I fall apart.
It occurs to me that I’m very much naked with all my ugly scars on display, but it doesn’t leave me feeling exposed and vulnerable. The fact that Asher hasn’t even commented on the state he found me in or asked about the marks all over my skin allows me to relax.
Eventually, once I’ve pulled myself together a bit, Asher says, “I couldn’t sleep. I heard the shower turn on, but when an hour passed, I got worried.”
I sniffle and shrug, still leaving my head on his shoulder. “I’m fine.”
“No, you’re not, but that’s okay. We’ll just be broken together. Tomorrow, we can put our brave masks back on.”
“I don’t know if I can,” I mutter like a depressed little fuck.
Asher kisses my head, whispering, “Then I’ll help you do it. I’ll remind you how fucking strong you are.”
I don’t say anything in return. Not because I don’t believe him, but because I do. I am strong. I’ve survived shit that would destroy some people. I’ve hurt and bled and cried and somehow kept pushing. And now I’m going to give up my life to protect the few people left in it who matter. If that’s not strong, I don’t know what is.
After it’s clear I’m not going to speak, Asher shifts again, tipping my chin up with his finger until I’m staring into his eyes. “I hate chocolate,” he blurts, holding my gaze with the kind of intensity that makes me a little nervous, and yet also gives me butterflies. “I prefer winter over summer. I broke my leg in the eighth grade, falling off a fence Creed dared me to climb. I’d choose a burger over steak any day. I like cars, but I can’t work on them for shit. When I was a child, I wanted to be a pirate; nobody could convince me that it wasn’t a viable career option until I was like twelve. I’m allergic to kiwi. Blue is my favorite color. And… I realized I was bisexual freshman year of college, when I’d walked in on Griffin masturbating, and I’ve wanted him ever since. I never acted on that because I was afraid to lose his friendship, but look at us now. We”re more than friends, even if I made so many mistakes along that way that should have sent him running. And that gives me hope that I can mend things between you and me too.”
My brows raise more and more throughout his speech until I’m sure I look ridiculous by the end. “Why are you telling me all of this?” I ask slowly. It’s not like I didn’t like the total over sharing, especially the part about him seeing Griffin touching himself, but I don’t understand Asher’s motives right now.
He rakes his teeth over his bottom lip, pulling it into his mouth and sucking on it while he considers his words. His eyes never leave mine, even while he struggles for something to say, and the intense eye contact makes me feel far more exposed than my naked body does.
Finally, Asher drops his gaze to stare at his wet jeans, mumbling, “Griffin told me to talk to you. To allow you to get to know me.” With a one-shouldered shrug, he adds, “But I don’t want to wait weeks or months or whatever it takes for us to get to know each other. We might not have that much time. We could all die tomorrow, and I’d go to the grave with this massive regret.”
“I’m—I’m still not following. I thought I already knew you pretty well.” I don’t say it aloud, but my brain so helpfully follows my words with a bitter, and you’re a dick.
Asher laughs, but it’s dry and humorless, shaking his head and giving me his full attention once more. “No, pet, you knew the version of me that my father always wanted. You knew the asshole who was too weak to prevent getting manipulated into being their weapon. You don’t know me and I want that to change. So… this is me laying it all out. Fresh start or whatever.”
“Fresh start? And why are we getting to know each other?” I ask cautiously, though I can”t deny the way my lips try to pull up into a sad little smile. This feels so much bigger than that truce he called for, and I”m caught between keeping my walls firm and allowing him to bulldoze right through them.
“Because I want you. I’m shit at showing it and I’m a fucking dick, but it’s the truth. Somewhere along the way, I grew attached to the impossibly strong redhead who went toe to toe with me at every fight. I don’t know where to go from here, but I want to earn your trust and forgiveness and have my own piece of you… If you’re okay with being split in three between Creed, Griffin, and I.” He frowns a little, looking so awkward right now that it’s kind of adorable. If nothing else, at least he’s good at pulling my mind from my sorrows.
There’s this small voice in the back of my head that’s telling me to give in… because I’ll regret not doing it when I slink back to The Celestials and offer them my life to save everyone else. When I look at it that way and measure what”s left of my life, how can I not give this a try?
“Fresh start… Okay,” I drawl, and then shiver because the shower is really starting to get icy. I ignore it, though, taking a steadying breath. “Hi, I’m Prudence. My dad is a psychotic killer in a dangerous cult. My mom was severely mentally ill my entire life until that cult had her killed. I’m scarred, inside and out, and incredibly self-conscious about it. I don’t like clowns. Or cats. My favorite food is pasta, which I’ll gorge myself on until I’m sick. I won the spelling bee in the third grade. I was a virgin until coming to college, and now somehow, I’ve managed to have feelings for… three guys. Even if one of them has been a complete prick to me.” I smile a little shyly, tears forgotten. “So, um, yeah. That’s me.”
“Nice to properly meet you, pet,” Asher breathes, a soft smile on his lips as his eyes study every inch of my face. “Now, let’s get out of this shower before you turn blue. Creed will have my balls if he knows I let you sit in here for so long.” Without waiting for me to agree, Asher stands, shuts the water off, and then starts stripping his soaking wet clothes from his body.
My eyes widen as his shirt drops to the ground, revealing his chiseled abs. “What are you doing? We’re not fucking right now, Asher.” I only just manage not to snap the words out like a whip, but seriously. If he thinks a little chat earns him his place between my legs right now, after I’ve been sobbing in the shower, then I might just punch his dick.
Asher rolls his eyes as he drops his jeans, leaving his gray boxers on, thank fucking god. “Relax, Prudence. We only just met. I’m not that kind of guy.”
I arch a brow, which has him laughing. The sound is so warm and carefree, so unlike the cold chuckles he”s given me before, that I actually believe there”s a side of Asher I”d very much like. I just hope I get to see it before I go.
“Fine, I could definitely be that kind of guy. But I’m also smart enough to read the room, and nothing about you screams fuck me on the shower floor. I’m just getting these clothes off, so your sister doesn’t skin me alive for trailing water all over the floor. Okay?” He bites back his smile as he stares at me, shaking his head like he”s shocked at my train of thought.
I nod slowly, avoiding looking at all that tan skin and taut muscle. ”Okay,” I agree, trying to fight my own stupid smile too.
He gets out, grabbing the only towel waiting on the rack. I’m assuming he’ll use it for himself, but Asher hands it over to me without hesitation. “Here, pet. Dry off and get warm,” he murmurs, and when I don’t move to do as he says, he steps forward, pulls me to my feet, and then carefully and tenderly dries me. When he’s finished, he cups my cheeks, smooths his thumbs over my drying tears, and rasps, “I’m not that bully you had to deal with back at Blackwood. This is me. Or at least, who I want to be for you. I just hope you let me in, so I can show you that.”
I blink at him a few times, fighting a blush from how abrupt and sweet and vulnerable Asher’s being. He’s never been so open with me. This is more telling than his display the other day when he’d pushed me against the wall and almost fucked me.
Without thinking about it, I lean in and kiss him. Nothing obscene, nothing lingering, just a simple, sweet press of my lips to his, silently telling him I’ll do my best here as long as he promises the same.
When he helps me back into bed for the night, he crawls in too for the first time since getting to the cabin. Until now, he’s been crashing on the couch, which must not have been very comfortable. Asher gets in close, but doesn’t try to pull me in to cuddle, which I appreciate. He just lies there, settling between me and Griffin, and the lazy smile on his face shows just how much he likes being there.
It makes my heart hurt thinking about all that could be one day… But I’ll never get to see it. The Celestials will be a threat unless I deal with them.
Soon, I think sleepily as I start drifting off. My life is going to end very soon.