Fearless (The Powerless Trilogy #3)

Chapter 48 Paedyn

CHAPTER 48 Paedyn

I sit in a pool of red.

I’m surrounded by scarlet swirls, the tub stained with the remnants of my final Trial. My gaze is red-rimmed and unseeing, fixed blearily on the wall opposite me.

A soft hand wraps around my wrist. I don’t fight the gentle touch even as it lifts my limp arm from the tub’s porcelain edge. A rough bar of soap then scrubs against my skin, back and forth until the hardened blood loses its grip on my flesh.

Back and forth. Back and forth.

I watch what is left of Kai drip into the water. And for the first time in weeks, I’m not repulsed by blood—in fact, I wish to cling to his.

“How… how are you feeling?”

It’s the first shy string of words Ellie has attempted since I woke from my drugged haze. I can’t say I blame her for the prolonged silence. It’s a rather tame response to my reaction this morning.

My tone is flat. “I don’t feel anything.”

It’s not a lie. Though, I doubt I could muster the energy to tell one at the moment. My entire body is numb—mind, soul, and shattered heart. I am utterly hollow without his love to fill me.

My scar is exposed, the bloody water lapping a soothing rhythm against it. I don’t need to look at Ellie—I can feel her wide gaze trailing over it. Even more concerning is the fact that I can’t find it within me to care.

She lifts a cloth to my ear, swiping tenderly over the dried blood that poured from it. I’m reminded then of how eerily quiet the world was when I awoke from the dizzying drug. Gone was the incessant ringing from the explosions, leaving me with nothing to drown out my screaming thoughts.

The assortment of wounds I’d collected from the Trial had vanished. Broken ribs were restored, sliced skin sewn back together, the burn on my wrist healed—but I would give anything now to have that handprint branded back onto my skin.

Nothing but the mingling of my and his blood remained.

“I’m…” I clear my throat before trying again. “I’m sorry about this morning.”

Sympathy pulls at Ellie’s delicate features.

I hate that look. It’s the same one I would see thrown around the slums, mothers saddened by the sight of a forgotten child. The fortunate disheartened by those of us sleeping on the streets. Only the weak earn this expression, the foolishly brokenhearted. And I have been that my whole life.

“You weren’t yourself,” she reassures. “I knew you would be scared when you woke up.”

I let out a bitter scoff that has her stilling. “I wasn’t scared, Ellie. I was broken.”

Because I let myself hope.

She swallows. “And now?”

My empty gaze meets her concerned one. “I’m angry.”

The king’s green eyes flash before my mind. My hands curl into fists, fingernails biting each palm. The question I shouted at him in that arena still echoes in my skull.

How could you?

With a steadying breath, I stand abruptly, suddenly unable to sit in Kai’s blood any longer. Wrapping a robe around my scrubbed skin, I turn demandingly toward Ellie. “I need to speak with the king.”

The words are far more docile than I intend to be when I see him.

Ellie straightens with a bashful turn of her lips. “You can’t leave.”

My tone is dull, expression unflinching. “Oh, I can’t?”

“The door is locked.” Another flash of sympathy. “The king has ordered that you stay here until he says otherwise.”

That smothered sorrow threatens to seep back over my numb body. The anger and betrayal I’ve buried it with will only fend off my suffering for so long. No, I need my rage, my distraction, my king to answer for what he’s done. Because without that, I am forced to face a life he is no longer in.

“Ellie,” I say slowly. “I need to get out of here.”

“Paedyn, I…” She chews on her lip uneasily. “I can’t. I’m sorry.”

I clear my throat, attempting to ignore the lump growing within it. “Do I at least get to eat while I’m locked in here?”

“Oh, yes, of course.” Ellie scurries to the door I desperately wish to walk through. “I’ll go get you some food from the kitchens.”

With a knock and verbal verification to the Imperials outside that she is not their prisoner, a series of locks click open. Ellie then slips from the room, allowing a sliver of the world beyond to spill inside this cozy cage. I’ve barely glimpsed the guards decorating my door before a gloved hand is slamming it shut, the thud followed by a turning of locks that makes me wince.

I stand there, shivering as water drips from the ends of my short hair to splatter the bare collarbones beneath. Swallowing, I stare at the empty room. An unsettling coldness sweeps through me, as though despair itself drags a finger along my bones.

I am utterly alone.

There is nothing left. Not within myself or the world beyond.

Trapped in this room, I am forced to face reality. Forced to face the gaping loneliness within me. My very being is decaying, and love is the culprit. Love has killed every person I care about.

The walls begin to close in all around me.

“No,” I whisper to my betraying mind. “Please, no.”

The plea is promptly ignored.

My lungs constrict, squeezing my shattered heart until it aches. I’m suddenly panting at the feel of claustrophobia clutching my body. I shut my eyes, trying to block out the world that wishes to smother me.

It’s no use. I need to get out of here.

Stumbling to the door, I slam my shaking fist against it. “Let me out. Please.”

Silence.

“I can’t be in here any longer.” My voice cracks beneath the weight of a mind trying to crush me. “Please!”

I pound against the door as the walls continue their steady suffocation.

I’m struggling to breathe. My forehead tips against the door’s smooth wood as I choke, “Let me out! I can’t do this!”

The walls crawl closer.

My fist hits the door with one final thud. I turn slowly, letting my back slide against the wood until my body hits the floor harshly. “I can’t do this,” I whisper. Tears well, stinging my sore eyes as I pull trembling knees into an aching chest.

I’m little more than the shell of a girl, sitting among ghosts.

My father sits beside my shaking form with a comforting hand on my knee, the exact color of his eyes fading from my memory. Adena rests her head against my shoulder, crooked bangs falling into a soft, honeyed gaze.

But Kai…

Kai stands before me, so strong and stunning. I can almost hear his voice, the sound distantly ringing from the depths of my mind….

“Where is she?!”

It’s so familiar, so real—

“Where the hell is she?!”

I straighten at that growing voice, scared of my own deceiving mind.

It’s not real. He’s gone.

Heavy footsteps echo beyond the wooden door I’m slumped against.

I shake my head angrily, tears spilling down my face.

He’s gone. Just like everyone else. I killed him—

“Move aside. Or I’ll make you.”

My hollow, broken heart stutters at that command.

It can’t be true. I can’t let myself believe this, and yet, I scramble to my feet. Palms pressed to the door that separates me from hope, I mutter, “Kai?”

The muffled shout that returns has me laughing through a disbelieving sob.

“Pae!”

I shove away from the door, my heart pounding at the presence of its other half.

“Your Highness, we have strict orders from the king to—”

The door flies from its hinges.

As it falls to the floor with a thud, there is nothing left to separate me from the ghost behind. Not even Death himself.

Our gazes meet.

Smoke meeting fire; life meeting the walking dead.

He stands there, so perfectly intact. His chest heaves, free of my dagger and the bloody handprints I left beside it. A storm brews in his gray eyes, so unlike the last time I saw them glassily pinned on the sky above. Everything about the Enforcer is impossibly exactly how I’d left him the night before that final Trial.

I can’t seem to move, afraid this is some cruel dream, some phantom that will slip between my fingers. But then his eyes are welling with tears. Familiar lips are pulling into a relieved smile, those dangerous dimples framing it.

Kai’s words are choked. “I heard you killed me?”

That is all it takes to have my feet tripping over themselves.

I am more than his shadow. I am a moth to his flame.

A sob swells in my throat, springing hot tears to my eyes. I can hardly see through the blur of disbelief, but still, I race toward him. He doesn’t hesitate before striding across the room, heading right for the hand that helped kill him.

I trip into his arms before my knees can buckle beneath me. My hysterical laugh is muffled against his tunic, face buried above a heart that beats wildly.

Alive. He’s alive.

The feel of his arms tightening around me is so familiar, so seemingly right , that I cry harder at the thought of truly losing him.

Alive.

He is so stunningly alive, and strong, and standing for the both of us. Kai’s chest shudders against me as tears leak from his eyes, same as mine. I pull away slowly, scared that I might startle back to reality and find him to be nothing more than a figment of my grief.

But nothing this exquisite could ever be imagined.

My trembling fingers brush his face, and the whispered touch has Kai’s eyes fluttering closed. A tear slips down the sharp planes of his face, colliding with my fingers. I shake my head while struggling to speak past the lump in my throat. “How are you here?” My voice is a cracked whisper. “I watched… I watched you die .”

His hands slide down my body, as if to ensure I’m real as well. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything you were put through—”

“I don’t care.” I cup his face, my own earnest. “I don’t care so long as this is real, and you are alive.”

“This is real,” he almost laughs. “Not pretend. Not ever.”

I nod and press my palms to his neck as a smile pulls at my quivering lips. “I just don’t understand. My dagger… I felt it slide into your chest.”

My fingers trail down to his chest, finding no trace of the blade that was once buried there.

“I know.” His voice is suddenly as icy as the eyes flicking between mine. “I wouldn’t have let it happen, but I was drugged that night before the Trial.”

My mouth falls open. “What?”

“I was supposed to sleep through the Trial. The Healers locked me in my room.” A muscle flexes in his cheek. “The cheering from the Bowl woke me up, and I… I knew it was you. So I fought off the drug and stumbled to the arena. Imperials held me back before I could get in, but I saw, Paedyn. I saw you fighting myself . And it…” His voice breaks. “It destroyed me. I tried to push my way to you, but the drugs weakened me, and I just… stood there while you fought for your life. Fought me .”

His rough hands cup my tear-streaked face. “You almost died thinking it was me who killed you. Thinking that I would ever lay a hand on you again for any reason other than a caress. I told you I would never fight you again, but there I was, hurting you like I promised not to.”

“Shh.” It’s difficult to talk through the emotion clogging my throat. “It’s not your fault. You didn’t do this.”

He nods. I melt against him. Memorize this moment, because I thought we wouldn’t have it again. He runs a soothing hand down my back, chin resting against my hair. “It looked too real. Like I was watching myself lose control,” he finally whispers.

His voice breaks. Pulling back, he cups my face with trembling hands. Gone is the Enforcer and every mask that accompanies him. This is Kai alone—my fool and my love.

“I couldn’t save you. Not even from myself.” He nearly chokes on the words. “Forgive me. Please.”

I shake my head at him. “There is nothing to forgive. Because I…”

I’m crying again. It seems that I haven’t stopped in days, but possibly for the first time in my life, it doesn’t make me feel weak. This is relief that pours from me, a mingling of happiness in his presence and fear at the admittance in my throat. “Kai, I—”

My feet leave the ground for a moment before landing atop his. I laugh through the tears, propped on his boots just like I had when it was a chain tethering us together, not something far more unbreakable. His arms twine around my waist tightly. “Tell me, Pae.”

Swallowing, I force out the string of words. “I watched you die in that arena. I watched my own dagger sink into your chest with my hands wrapped around the hilt. And then, you were slipping away.” I blink, gaze blurry. “And I hadn’t even said those three words I was so sure would take you away from me. It took your death to find my courage, and by then, you were… you were gone.”

My voice trembles. Cracks. Crumbles with my composure. “But I can’t wait for another tragedy. So I’ll tell you now, because fate likely won’t allow us a future. Kai, I—”

“I love you.”

Kai steals the words from my mouth with a spreading smile. And, distantly, I realize this isn’t the first time he’s uttered such a declaration. He lifts a hand to my tear-stained face, stroking a thumb over the flushed skin there. “Paedyn, I love you. Like nothing else before, I love you . And I’ve been waiting to tell you since I realized your eyes are my favorite color and your freckles the only constellation worth looking at. I could lie—say that you’ve stolen my every thought and heartbeat like the thief you are, but all of me was already yours. Pae, you are my inevitable.”

Tears stream down my face, dampening Kai’s fingers. He’s crying just the same, and yet, his eyes never leave mine. He utters the words again, as if they have consumed his every thought and begged to be loosed. “You are my inevitable. In death, and in love.”

“And you are mine.” I smother my sobs long enough to whisper, “I love you, Malakai. I love you.” I can’t seem to stop spewing the words now that I’ve said them. It’s freeing, letting go of the fear that accompanied that phrase. “I love you. I love you. I love y—”

His mouth is on mine, tasting the words from my lips. I breathe him in greedily as tears mingle with the kiss. His hands run down my body, gently memorizing every curve beneath the robe. Sighing into his mouth, I twine my arms around his neck. I feel delicate in his embrace, as though he is holding something priceless.

Love.

That is what this feeling is. And it is all-consuming.

He pulls back slightly, lips still lingering above mine, and lands a light flick to the tip of my nose. “My pretty Pae. Look what you have done to me.”

I smile up at him, returning the favor with a flick of my own fingers. “I could ask you the same, pretty Prince.” My gaze shifts to a pair of heels sitting innocently beside my wardrobe. “You already told me you loved me, didn’t you?”

A smile tugs at the corner of his mouth. “You seemed more interested in the shoes I’d found discarded on the dance floor.”

I nod at the vague memory. “You carried me to my room.”

“Well, you were becoming quite the tripping hazard on the dance floor.”

My throat is dry. I swallow thickly. “You love me.”

“Then.” His hands cup my face. “Now.” My lips brush his. “Always. And I’ll find your shoes for you in every lifetime if you’ll allow it.”

We stand there, held in each other’s arms for several silent moments. But that is all it takes for the questions to creep back toward the forefront of my mind. So when a shadow of confusion crosses my face, Kai asks, “What is it?”

“Kitt knew it wasn’t you in that arena,” I murmur.

My eyes fall to his unscathed chest.

“So who did I kill?”