Fearless Sinner (Empire of Sinners #3)

Chapter 33

Chloe

Chapter Thirty-Three

I spray some cleaning solution over the kitchen counter and wipe it with my cloth. It’s already been cleaned, but Luis always likes to do a quick clean of the kitchen before the day begins.

He’ll be happy that I did it for him today. I’ve been at Ricci’s for the last two hours cleaning places like the kitchen that were already clean and rearranging things that didn’t need to be rearranged.

This is day two of being without Cillian. Tonight will mark three nights, then I suppose time will just keep ticking by like it has been. Fast at times, slow at others. Regardless of the pace, I’ll still be the tortured woman. Cillian O’Ridian will always live in my heart, body, mind, and soul.

He’ll be no different from the beats of my heart, the blood flowing through my veins, the thoughts in my mind, and the emotions swirling deep within my soul.

That is my truth, and I’m having a hard time dealing with it.

When I walked away from Cillian at the restaurant the other night, I was already falling apart. Since then, I’ve drifted deeper into that despair that took me when Jessica laid down her rude awakening.

I don’t know how I’m supposed to find my way back to gaining some sense of stability of mind where I can find the strength to move on.

I certainly won’t be able to do it when I feel like Cillian is watching me. I felt his eyes on me yesterday when I was at the studio. That’s probably why I danced the way I did.

I overdid it. But I couldn’t help it. Dancing is my way of coping. I danced my emotions out when my father was dying, and I tried to do the same when Nathan battered me to near death. When my body couldn’t move around after he broke my legs, I nearly lost my mind.

Now that I can dance again, my former default coping strategy has returned, but I did so much yesterday that my legs ached like a bitch when I woke up this morning. That’s why I came here.

I finish the counter and move on to the island in the center, where Luis likes to chop the vegetables. When I start cleaning, the door opens and Roxanne walks in.

She frowns when she sees me, but I ignore her. She’s not mad at me for leaving Cillian the way I did. She’s mad that I’m working my fingers to the bone to try and forget him.

Like now.

“What are you doing here so early?” She walks over to me and taps a perfectly manicured fingernail on the countertop.

I meet her stern eyes. “It’s not that early.”

“It’s seven in the morning. Liam says you’ve been here since five.”

“Liam talks too much.”

“Maybe so, but perhaps—like the rest of us—he also thinks you’re overdoing it. Wouldn’t it be better to talk to Cillian?”

“Absolutely not. He told me everything he needed to say. There’s nothing more to say to each other.” It hurts my heart to admit that.

“I don’t believe you. You can’t tell me that it’s over.”

“I just did. Roxanne, you have no idea what it felt like to discover that Nathan wasn’t the man I fell in love with. It crushed me, and I had to dig my way out of hell. Then I realized he never loved me.”

“Cillian isn’t like Nathan. He loves you.”

“Not choosing to fight for us, and that love, is the same disappointment. Why in hell am I going to be an idiot and wait until the end? By then, it will be harder, and I’ll feel so much worse than I already do. At least this way, I have time to adjust.”

“Do you think you’ll ever adjust?” Her frown deepens.

My shoulders sag and my heartbeats speeds up. I look away from her and over to the shelf that holds the array of spices. All the thoughts in my mind collide when I think of the answer to her question, and I can’t even bring myself to tell her no.

“I have to try. I have to. What else can I do?” I look back at her and take in the sadness in her eyes. “It was good while it lasted, but this is it. This is all it can be, and I have to be okay with that, even if I know I won’t.”

She releases a haggard breath. “I’m here for you. Always. But promise me one thing.”

“What?”

“Don’t shut down.”

“I already have.”

“Then open your heart again. I can’t accept that this is over for you guys. I just can’t, so although I understand you, and him, too, I don’t think it’s over.”

“Maybe it is.”

She shakes her head. “My heart doesn’t tell me so. I admit that I don’t have the experience with love that you have. I adore Adrian to no end. He’s been so good to me and your mom, too. God, he’s even with her now because he knew I was worried about you and worried to leave her. But he’s no Cillian. We’re not madly in love with each other the way you and Cillian are. But if I had that kind of love, I’d hold on for dear life and never give up hope. Do you hear me?”

Her words touch my heart, reaching past the dark fog of gloom surrounding my soul. “I hear you.”

“Good. Now get yourself home. Spend the time with your mom instead of working your heart out here. I’m going to be here until lunchtime. I was thinking we could go to the spa later and stay overnight. Just the three of us. Your mom has already agreed.”

“I’d like that. It would be a nice break.”

“I’m glad to hear that because I think you need it.”

“God knows I do.” I give her a weak smile.

“Then I’ll book us in, and I’ll see you at about one.”

“Thank you, Roxanne.”

“You are so welcome.” She pulls me in for a hug and holds me close. “It’s going to be okay, Chloe. Everything is going to be okay.”

I’m grateful for her words of comfort. Sometimes, that’s all a person needs to hear.

“Thanks.”

“Go on now.”

I dip my head and leave. When I get outside to my car, I nod at Liam. He’ll follow behind me.

It’s funny. I knew that he's Cillian’s favorite, so I always feel safest with him.

On the drive back to my mom’s house, I try not to think, but Roxanne’s words of hope and strength stay with me.

I reach home in half an hour and head inside. I hear Mom in the back room, so I head there. This used to be my studio. Roxanne and I turned it into another sitting room. We were planning to get a piano to put in there so Mom can play her music again to keep her mind occupied.

The door is open, so I walk in and find Mom inside sitting on the sofa and Adrian standing by the window. He’s pulling the curtains.

“Hey, guys.” I smile.

“Hi, sweetie.” Mom’s smile is cautious. She hasn’t known what to say to me to comfort me, so she will either smile or gives me the occasional hug. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Did you see Roxy?” Adrian asks, stepping away from the wall.

“Yes, she relieved me of my duties and sent me home. She mentioned the spa later.”

“And I hope you agreed.”

“I did. She said she’d be back at one to pick us up.”

“That’s my girl.” He smiles and glances at Mom, who stares back at me with worried eyes. I note how nervous she looks. Almost frightened. “My poor Roxy doesn’t know you guys won’t make it to the spa.”

I give Adrian a narrowed stare when he looks back at me. “Why won’t we make it to the spa?”

“I won’t let you.” He rolls up the sleeves on his shirt, and I see a knife scar on his left arm just above the tattoo of an eagle on his wrist. “By the time Roxy gets back, you’ll both be dead. Then she’ll blame herself because she didn’t realize I was the devil.”

My heart stops, my mouth goes dry, then shock wedges in my lungs, slithering down my insides like a viper ready to strike.

“What did you just say?”

“You heard me, Chloe.”

I glance at Mom, who is now crying and shaking, then a dark and twisted thought hits me when I look back at Adrian.

Everybody has been going through the motions, but I’m the prodigal daughter, the outsider who should have been more observant with people I don’t know.

Roxanne said she met Adrian at a coffee shop while she waited for Harlan. So far, everything I know about Harlan has been shady. I don’t think that meeting was a coincidence.

“Who are you?” I mumble the words, and he smiles.

“Good question. Clever question. I can see that husband of yours trained you well. My real name is Borya Tavorski, but Cillian O’Ridian will know me as Lance Polinsky.”