Chapter 9
CHAPTER 9
TRACY
I was all wound up and had no way to release. I had tried touching myself before, even though my youth group leader expressly forbade it. But I was always so nervous that nothing came of it. I closed the bedroom door on Fenrik, torn. I wanted more, but I knew I was worried about the judgment—the backlash. I’d been ready to have sex with my first boyfriend at fifteen, but the idea that I might lose my entire church community stopped me from going forward with it.
Physically, I was ready to ride Fenrik until I couldn’t see straight, but mentally, I was worried about the judgment that would fall upon me. I needed to take this slow with him—my brain was telling me that jumping him right now was not okay, even if it was exactly what I wanted to do. I was in bed with my head buzzing with excited thoughts of seeing Fenrik naked, eyes focused solely on me. I wanted… something.
I pulled my pants off and lay in just my tunic. The fire crackled merrily in my room because Fenrik always ensured it was well-stocked. I thought briefly of him sleeping on the couch. I wanted to invite him in and curl up with him in the soft bed. He was so warm. The idea of sleeping with him was wonderful and also a bit terrifying. What would others think of me? Then again, for the foreseeable future, there were no others. I knew he’d take care of me every step of the way, but the idea of judgment from church elders—and youth members—was never far from my head.
I parted my bare legs, sliding my fingers down into my curls. There was no one here watching me or judging me. My youth leader wasn’t there, and my youth group was gone. I could explore. I slid my finger up and down each lip, feeling how swollen and warm they were. My mind wasn’t ready for Fenrik, but my body definitely was. On top of the church indoctrination, I’d always shared a room with my younger sister. Self-exploration was strictly off-limits.
I shifted from stroking my lower lips to gently stroking my clit. I sighed. This was always the problem. I had never figured out how much pressure was enough, but not too much. It was so sensitive that direct contact made me seize up. I tried circling the edges of it slowly while thinking about Fenrik’s tusked mouth. If they didn’t kiss, did they do oral? I’d given blow jobs before and I enjoyed the idea of them—watching a man come undone with just my hands and my mouth. I thought about what it might be like to suck Fenrik’s cock and felt myself grow wetter. Watching that giant masculine orc lose control from my touch ratcheted up my desire. Thinking about sucking his cock while slowly circling my clit had me panting and twisting, my body reaching for something that still felt elusive.
I circled around my clit some more, finding myself holding my breath at the sensation that spread out from my core. I imagined Fenrik’s cock stuffing me full. I dipped two fingers inside my wet channel while continuing to use my thumb on my clit. I tried pumping my fingers up and down, but they didn’t fill me the way a cock would—the way his cock would. I upped the pressure on my clit and bit down on a moan. I didn’t want him to know what I was doing. Finally reaching the right rhythm with my fingers and my thumb, I felt an orgasm starting to build. It was a small wisp of a thing. I pulsed in and out rapidly while stroking my clit with my thumb and finally came with a small whimper, with the image of Fenrik’s cock at the front of my mind. Yes, I had come before—yet it was rare. But I wanted to come around Fenrik’s cock, not my own hand.
Tears pricked at my eyes as the heady wonder of orgasming eviscerated the feelings of guilt and shame I carried from my life on Earth. Thinking of Fenrik while clamping down on my fingers had made me come in a way I never had before.
I rubbed my eyes with the heels of my palms, taking a few steadying breaths. I was here now. The past was gone. More gone than I ever expected it to be. I had been taking tiny steps toward this moment since I met Fenrik, but I finally felt free of the past. I wanted to be with Fenrik and there was nothing standing in my way.
The next morning, I dressed and left the bedroom, unsure what to expect. Fenrik and I had crossed some invisible line the night before and I didn’t know what that would mean. He was up and dressed, making breakfast. I walked up to him at the stove.
“Hi,” I said, unsure of the greeting I would receive.
“Hi” He bent and brushed a kiss across my lips. Chaste, but a kiss nonetheless.
So what were we now? Dating? A couple? My brain ping-ponged back and forth. I didn’t know how any of this worked. I was also theoretically still married to Gabe, but he was on another friggin’ planet.
Fenrik continued to cook breakfast—meat and sauteed alien mushrooms—so I set the table. Surely Fenrik would want more —I wanted more. Right now . It was just a question of how fast that more would come. Fenrik brought breakfast to the table and sat down with me.
“So, what are your plans for the day?” I asked.
“Well, we could use more meat, so I was thinking of going on a hunt.” He looked at me, clearly wishing he could stay with me for the morning—but we did need more meat. The stores had maybe two strips of dried meat left, which was half a meal to me or basically not even a snack to Fenrik.
“I could clean up the cabin and maybe bathe in the stream?”
I knew he was nervous about me going out on my own, but I needed to get clean, and I didn’t want him to have to spend time making me another bath.
“Are you sure you will be warm enough?” he asked, holding his fork aloft.
“We have plenty of towels, and hunting needs to happen more than bathing does,” I assured him.
“Okay, don’t stray farther than the steam?”
“I won’t.” For some reason, his protectiveness of me didn’t grate against me the way Gabe’s did.
We finished breakfast, and Fenrik headed off to hunt, but not before kissing me deeply at the door. I had the entire day to mull over what this new step meant. I bathed in the stream, cleaned the cabin, and aired out the bedding. Why did I air out the bedding? What was I expecting?
Fenrik returned midafternoon with three kills. He’d had a very successful hunt. He took them to the back porch to butcher while I got the kitchen ready for whatever he decided we’d have for dinner. As he continued to work on his kills I considered that he’d likely want to bathe after butchering multiple animals, so I pulled out the tub he’d used for me and filled it with water before dragging it in front of the fire. It was far too heavy and large for me to place inside the fire, but I hoped putting it on the hearth would warm the water somewhat. I knew it was too small for him, but it had to be better than the stream. I prepared some vegetables we’d foraged while he butchered outside, wishing for him to return.
Finally, he arrived with two steaks in hand. I started heating the worn skillet and indicated toward the bath I’d set up for him. He looked surprised.
“You shouldn’t be constantly bathing in the cold. I’ll cook the dinner while you get clean,” I explained, taking the steaks from him.
I was getting better at finding my way around the kitchen. I cooked all of our meals back home, but things like Rice-A-Roni and Shake ’n Bake. Not, here’s a slab of meat, turn it into something edible . I took the steaks to the counter and set about making skewers of vegetables and meat that could be cooked over the fire. I had seen Fenrik do this dozens of times and was confident I could get it all situated while he bathed.
I could hear him in the water behind me, trying not to imagine his strong, thick body sitting in the tub as he soaped up. He’d been shirtless dozens of times and I’d memorized his heavy pectoral muscles and powerful stomach. He was built more like Hulk Hogan than Fabio, and I had no complaints. We were headed somewhere, but that path didn’t involve me perving on him while he bathed. I heard him get out of the water and head to the bathroom, so I knew it was safe to start arranging the skewers on a tray to bring to the fire. I was startled as I felt Fenrik approach me and take in a deep breath of my hair before kissing the top of my head. I leaned into him, finding myself against a solid wall of muscle.
“Hi.” I turned to him.
His wet hair was tied back, and he stood there in all his shirtless gloriousness. I thought about broaching the subject of our shared kiss but turned to the skewers I’d made. I sat down next to them on the low table while Fenrik took a seat on the couch across from me and leaned back. I started placing the skewers in the fire, as I had seen Fenrik do when he cleared his throat. He looked as nervous as I felt, with his hands clasped in his lap.
“This—kissing for you,” he started.
“Yes?”
“It is difficult for you?” He looked concerned.
Difficult? No, kissing Fenrik was definitely not difficult.
“No. Kissing you is not a hardship.” I understood what he was getting at, but I wanted to be clear: “Where I was raised, I was raised Christian—it’s a religion in America. I was raised to be pure. I was only meant to have sex with my husband. I went to my wedding night with very little understanding of what was expected of me. With Gabe I spent quite a bit of time having sex that was… eh?”
To my surprise, Fenrik looked angry.
“Pure? For what reason?” he asked.
“Uhh, there was a Christian text that said couples should wait until marriage to be… intimate. A lot of that weight fell on the females because males were seen to lack self-control,” I explained.
“So, you were expected to repress your own sexual appetite and control those of your partners?” he hissed.
“Well, yeah. The first boy I kissed blamed me for ‘tempting him’ into it.” I thought of stupid Seth’s face.
We’d done a lot more, and he’d made me feel like a sinner and a temptress every step of the way.
Fenrik studied me for a moment with pain in his eyes as he realized the consistent negative experiences I’d had.
“So you never got to figure out what you wanted? What you liked?”
“I mean, there are things I stumbled upon, like kissing,” I said, grinning, “but no, exploration was frowned upon.”
“Well, you realize there are no humans here, right? No one to judge you. And orkin definitely do not ascribe to this purity… whatever.” His lip curled in disgust.
It was true. There was no one here. Not even other orcs. I could do whatever I wanted. My eyes got wide. Whatever I wanted? With a hot orc who was clearly interested in me. My brain was reeling. I could do anything. There was no one here to pass judgment or call me a whore or a temptress.
“I promise, there are no humans under the bed waiting to shame you for going after what you want,” Fenrik said
“I’d wanted to fuck my first boyfriend at fifteen but was told it would damn me to hell,” I blurted out.
Something about this line of questioning made me wanted to tell Fenrik the truth—my truth. “I had a really high libido for a teenage girl, and I had no idea how to deal with it. It all felt… wrong,” I’d just laid my soul on the floor in front of Fenrik. I stared down at the floor with my face flaming. I had just trauma dumped all over this poor orc. Jesus.
Fenrik looked thoughtful for a moment—as if he was really considering what I was saying.
“What if you just did what you wanted? What is it you want?” Fenrik asked—with curiosity, not judgment. “Knowing that the only one here is me.”
“I want everything. Everything I have been missing out on. Everything I have been ashamed to try. I want it all.” All the words jumbled out before I had a chance to stop them. I was embarrassed but also so, so ready. I’d already trusted Fenrik with my life, my safety. My only hesitation about trusting him with my body was… did he want it too? I felt like he’d made that very clear.
“And when would you like to do this?”
“Now. Right now. I want it all right at this very moment,” I said, throwing caution to the wind.