Chapter 5 – Mari

If the meeting with my inner circle was bad, I considered the phone call with Dr. Grant, though necessary, even worse. “Ms. Marcosa, I wasn’t expecting to hear from you so soon. Is someone dying already?”

I kept my fingers tight to stop the shaking. “I need a house call immediately.”

“For what exactly? I’m very busy running your ward.”

I tried to recall if she was doing immunizations today or something else, but the knowledge was lost in the haze. “STI tests.”

She scoffed, though she tried to hide it. “Can they wait?”

The thought of waiting even a single day made my stomach roll. “No. I need them done today.”

“For all four of you?”

My heart ached at how easily she’d accepted my relationships. How easily Nate had fit.

He’s a liar.

“No. Three.”

My voice cracked, and silence filled the line until her voice came back softer and weighted with understanding. “I see. One moment, please.”

The sound of paper shuffling and her muffled voice as she spoke to someone else kept me company until she returned. “I’ll be right there.”

“Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me yet, Ms. Marcosa. You haven’t gotten the bill.”

I didn’t give a single fuck. I’d pay her entire yearly salary tonight if it meant I could get this done ASAP.

“It shouldn’t take too long to get to your home. Expect me in twenty minutes.”

The reminder that my home was compromised stung, and I struggled to keep my voice even. “We’re on vacation at the Celestine downtown. I’ll send you the address and a code so the front desk will let you up.”

“Understood.”

Somehow, I had no doubt she really did get it. Grey picked the right doctor. Doc was great, but he was an institution in the Marcosa family. Dr. Grant was new blood we desperately needed. A breath of fresh air that would benefit us greatly in the years to come if we survived the next few months.

I hung up the phone before rapid-firing texts to warn the front desk, as well as Dominic and Greyson, of her arrival. The boys replied back that they were in a meeting with the club managers explaining new protocols the security team came up with, but they’d meet up with her after. Fine by me.

Even though it was unfair to put everything on them, I wasn’t quite ready to have them close when I still felt vulnerable. I needed a little more time to separate them from Nate and his mistakes. If he even thought they were mistakes.

I shut down that line of thinking before I fell down the proverbial rabbit hole.

With nothing to do but wait, I sat by the windows in the living room staring out at the city that I’d nearly lost every part of myself for and wondered. Would there ever be a moment when I would find peace in the view again? When I could look at each building without wondering if that was where Nate was or if he could see me? Would I ever look at the streets without wondering if he was close by? I’d bled into the ground and bound the city and myself together, but would he take that from me too?

The knock on the door startled me from the idea, and I got up before the concern could take root even more.

A look through the peephole showed Dr. Grant patiently sandwiched between Moore and Tennessee. Though it felt impossible, I schooled my face into a relaxed mask and whipped open the door. I didn’t need more of her sympathy or I’d lose it. “That was quick.”

She shrugged casually. “I was in the neighborhood.” I hated that her gaze was gentler than it usually was, but I didn’t feel the need to call her on it.

Knowing the boys had frisked her, I let her inside and waved a hand. “What do you need for this?”

“That table will work.” She pulled out an alcohol wipe to sanitize the cozy four-top in the kitchen, then washed her hands and dug through her bag. “We should be able to get everything done with a blood test. We can do a pelvic exam if you’d like, but I’d prefer that at the office.”

“Let’s wait for the results.” I sat when told to, grateful for the sleeveless top I’d chosen earlier. Dr. Grant was quick and efficient, barely looking at me as she went forward with the blood draw, handing me a stress ball, though she raised an eyebrow when I white-knuckled it.

“Who aren’t we testing?” she asked softly, and I knew what she was asking.

“Nate.” Christ. Just saying his name felt like razor blades in my throat.

“Is he dead or?—”

“An Ace.”

Her eyes widened with shock, but she quickly schooled her face into the disinterested mask she normally wore. “And the others?”

“Alive, but angry.”

“I can imagine you all are.”

When I said nothing, she hummed to herself, sliding the needle into my arm and clicking the vial in when it was time. I watched my blood fill it up, transfixed by the sight of it.

Something so innocuous, barely thicker than water, was the thing that kept our hearts beating, our brains functioning, and our bodies moving. It was so powerful. What would it be like to hold that much power?

What would it be like to hold that much potential?

The snap of the rubber strap falling off my arm pulled my attention back, only to find Dr. Grant’s head tilted in question.

Shit. “Sorry, what did you say?”

She smiled again, and I had to grit my teeth to keep from screaming at her. “I asked if there was a chance of pregnancy.”

God, no. “I have the implant.” Showing her my arm took seconds, but a brief hesitation crossed her face, a moment of discomfort that stole my breath.

Dr. Grant steeled her shoulders and looked me straight in the eye. “With the reason I’m here, the likelihood of tampering is high. I suggest we do a pregnancy test as well.”

I was a woman who ran an empire, the queen in a traditionally king’s world. I’d seen and done some awful shit, but the idea of someone impregnating me against my will was apparently the final straw. Dr. Grant passed me the closest trash can as I threw up everything I’d ever eaten.

When I was done, numbness, blessed and quick, stole over me. At least until we found out if it was true, I wouldn’t have a moment when I felt clean ever again.

Nate had initially told me that he’d had a vasectomy some years ago, but going forward with the assumption everything he’d ever told me was a lie, I needed to assume that was too.

I wanted to ask if she really thought Nate would do that to me, then stopped. None of us knew Nate. His capabilities were limitless, and asking would only hurt more if it turned out to be true.

Dr. Grant bandaged me up, then took my bicep in her hands, poking and prodding at the implant. She asked a few questions before pulling out what looked to be a scanner of some sort, lifting it with an excited grin. “A new toy, thanks to you. You’ll be the first person I’ll use it on.”

I didn’t watch the screen, knowing I wouldn’t be able to tell a thing. Finally, Dr. Grant put me out of my misery. “It doesn’t look to be tampered with.”

Thank fuck.

She sat back, dropping the scanner back into her bag. “I think it’s best to replace it, just in case. I can do it here if you need.”

“Please.”

She said nothing, turning away to label the blood draw before moving on to cleaning the area again. I watched her until a single hard pound came at the door.

“Guest?” Dr. Grant asked.

I didn’t answer her, pulling my gun as I peered through the peephole again. Moore stood there, frowning down at a courier bag like it had personally offended him. I opened the door, keeping the gun out and ready. “What the hell is that?”

“It’s for you.”

As if I didn’t already know that. “Did you scan it?”

“Yeah. Twice.” I didn’t know why he was still frowning at the bag, and I didn’t have time to care. Propping the door open with my shoulder, I held out my empty hand, and the second he opened the bag to show the label on the box, I wished I hadn’t. “I can get rid of it if you want.”

I decided then and there that he was getting a raise. Instead of accepting the offer, I took the box and slammed the door behind me, the masochistic part of me rearing its ugly head.

Dr. Grant looked worried, but she didn’t need to be. Nothing in the box could hurt her; it only had the power to hurt me.

I holstered the gun and carried the box to the counter. I used a kitchen knife to open the tape, and inside the pristine packaging was another box with a luxury logo on it. A custom artisan jeweler that Aislynn had turned me on to.

Don’t do it, I told myself, staring at the thing that was my very own Pandora’s box. Don’t open it.

Even though I was positive there was no hope at the bottom, I had to see for myself. I needed closure.

My fingers shook as I unclasped the lock and lifted the lid.

Three rings sat on silk, each one polished to a high shine, matching but not quite identical. Like my soul knew which one would hurt the worst, I pulled out the center ring to see the words engraved on the band.

Forever.

Because I’d been about to offer him that. My life for his love. I thought it would be a simple trade for Nate, an easy one. I hadn’t expected this. Pain crippled me for a single second before I put the ring back, carefully closing the lid.

“Don’t move,” I told Dr. Grant, heading out the door with my prize in hand. As if shoving it into the back of my sock drawer would work for something so emotionally damaging.

He’ll never see it, part of me cried.

He didn’t want it, the other part said.

Back in the kitchen, I dropped into the chair and flung my arm onto the table, desperate to forget every thought of Nathaniel Beckstrom. “Let’s get this over with.”

A few hours later, with a bandage on my arm, a dose of painkillers in my body, and some sleeping pills in the bathroom just in case, I called the girls over. I’d asked my cousin to keep quiet about Nate, knowing that I wanted to tell Aislynn and Shara myself. The rings were a reminder that time wasn’t on my side.

Curling up on the couch felt like waiting for a death sentence. I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t want to tell them I’d fucked up so bad. I didn’t want to rehash things with Nate.

I didn’t want it to be true.

Dominic and Greyson hovered in the kitchen, banging pots, though not actually cooking. They just existed in the same space. I thought my trust issues with Nate would become theirs, yet as I watched them from the corner of my eye, knowing they were doing the same to me, I felt no worry. No fear, just gratitude.

I was grateful that they stayed, that they were honest, that they were here. Just so fucking grateful.

The knock came, and Dominic was halfway across the room before I could slip my hand under the pillow for my gun.

“Who is it?” He must’ve got the answer he wanted because the door swung open, and Ash walked in.

For a moment, Ash and I just looked at each other. In all the years I had known her, I wasn’t sure I’d ever seen her so happy. She looked like she was gliding on air, and a petty part of me was grateful I’d get to pop her bubble, even as I knew she’d never had this before. Misery loved company, after all.

And I got it.

While Ash hustled over to the couch, landing next to me and sweeping me into a major hug, Shara barreled through the room with a backpack that clinked suspiciously. Her eyes tightened as she looked me over, and I could only imagine what I looked like to them.

Could they see the heartbreak on my face? The slump of my shoulders and the tightness of my jaw? Could they feel the ache behind my breastbone like it was their own? Did they know?

The sympathy in Shara’s eyes said that she did.

I glanced at Greyson, and he grabbed Dominic by the shoulder, steering him out of the room with nothing more than a nod to me, and again, I was grateful. So fucking grateful for them.

When we were finally alone, I turned to Shara. “Who told you?”

“It’s not hard to figure it out. You’re missing a Musketeer.” She grimaced, despite the softness in her eyes. “That, and the rumors around town.”

Aislynn, who was resting her chin on my head, angled back, glancing between the two of us. “Rumors…missing a Musketeer, what the hell are you talking about? Did something happen while we were gone?”

Everything.

“Considering you’ve been very busy with your husband, I’m not surprised you don’t know.” The faint blush on Aislynn’s face told me just how busy she’d been, and I was happy for her. So fucking happy. I also wanted to die inside too.

There was only so much I could handle in a day, and I was rapidly hitting the point of no return, so I pulled the bandage off quick. “Nate is a Beckstrom.”

At my side, Ash pushed me away until she could see my face. “Are you shitting me?”

“Nope,” I said sadly, though part of me wished I were. That it was all just a cosmic joke.

“Nate is a Beckstrom,” Ash said quietly. I could practically see her mind whirling as she cursed. “My intel was wrong.”

“Yeah.” Her intel hadn’t mentioned Nate. No one’s had. He was a ghost, exactly what Cash needed him to be. Exactly what he’d trained to be.

Was the military a lie too?

Knowing I couldn’t go down that road, I focused on my friends. I could see Ash falling into her mafia princess role, thinking about the consequences of letting an Ace into my home. “I’ll reach out to my sources again. Somebody has to know something.”

“I’d appreciate it.” I filled them in on the rest, and when it was done, I leaned out of their hold, needing a little space. I felt hollowed out, but somehow better. There was something different about being held up by your girlfriends than being held up by your partners. Although I trusted Grey and Dominic, they just weren’t who I needed.

I looked up to see Ash frowning at Shara. “What’s your problem?”

I turned, and the look of pure heartbreak and regret hit me straight in the solar plexus. Then she grabbed my hands and squeezed.

“It’s my fault,” Shara said quietly. “I’m the one who pushed you toward him. I told you he was a good guy.”

“I made my own decisions,” I said, though the reminder hurt as much as it confused me. “He walked away from me, and I couldn’t let it go. I threw myself at him, while he refused all of my advances.”

That was the part that still didn’t make sense. Was it part of his game, prodding the part of my brain that wanted to chase? Had he needed to wait until he gained my trust or access to my home before he moved to the next phase? I didn’t want to believe that was true, but I didn’t want to believe any of it was true.

“The only person in charge of Nate’s actions was Nate,” I said firmly, cutting off Shara before she could speak. Aislynn’s eyes burned into me, and I realized I had a choice.

I could sit there and let the pain control me, or I could move on, push forward, and hope I could fix the mistake I’d made before it was too late.

“We are not taking on the guilt for what he did.”

“Amen.” Ash pulled out her phone. “I think this deserves wine.”

“I think it needs something harder,” Shara muttered, stomping over to the kitchen to grab three shot glasses before pulling an entire bottle of booze out of her bag.

I glanced at the label, noting it was top-shelf. “Did you take that from Gilded?”

She turned her most innocent look on me like I didn’t know she practiced it in the mirror. “The boss was in trouble.”

“Of course.”

Ash laughed and Shara winked, pouring the shots and handing them to each of us. “To men who ain’t shit!”

“And the women who survived them,” Ash added.

“Hear, hear.” We clinked our glasses and took the shots, slamming them onto the table with a shared laugh.

No more wallowing. I had given myself a day, but I had to move forward and move on. My people needed me to be strong, put this behind us, and end Cash. So I would drink myself stupid, talk shit about my ex, and when morning came, I would put on my big-girl pants and reenter the world for good.

Come hell or high water, the queen was back.

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