Fighting For Light: A Dark Sports Romance (The Coldwell Brothers)

42. Cordelia

I thought our two weeks off would have been restful and a way for Kai and me to connect on another level. Instead, it was full of harsh realities and good sex. Balance, right?

We arrive in Las Vegas for the championship. It’s time to put everything on the line with the last race and a freestyle competition to close out the season and take the titles for the fourth year in a row. But I’ve had a bad feeling since we left home in California, and it’s followed me all the way here. I take a deep breath and roll the window down. Lights and sounds invade my senses with a rush as if you’re walking through a doorway into a new world. I watch the street performers dancing and playing their instruments while show girls in their large feathers strut past the tourists.

The truck comes to a stop at the light, and I smile at the girl’s bachelorette party, having a great time and dressed up like a group of grandmas. One of them is wearing a sash that says bride to be in shiny letters. They have cute white and grey hair wigs, canes, and walkers. Part of me wishes I had girlfriends to do that with. Kai didn’t have the opportunity, either. We happened so quickly, and neither of us bothered looking back.

Maybe we should have looked back before we jumped off the cliff.

I stand by what I said to him: I love him. I don’t regret him. Though I do feel like I’ve kept him from doing what he needs to do. With another wedding in the future, it’s bringing all of those feelings I had to simply get over right back.

When we arrive at the performers’ campground, Kai sets up the trailer before disappearing into his garage. I’m sure going on a ride would help him feel better, but he said he didn’t want to tempt fate. Now, with all the high emotions and intense realities, I feel like I’m keeping him from being able to work through it.

I try to distract myself by setting things up for the beginning of next season, but nothing works. The door opens to the trailer, and Kai sighs, closing it behind him.

“Alright, out with it, you’ve been way too quiet. What’s on your mind?” he asks.

She looks at me, then back at her computer.

I step over to the little table and push the laptop closed. Something is clearly bothering her, and I have a feeling it’s the difficult realities of the unknown.

“Cordelia,” I coax.

I know she said she still loves me, but can you still love someone and not want to be with them anymore? Can you still love someone and let them go in order to protect someone else, like this baby? Is she having second thoughts?

“You’ve had to give up things for me that you shouldn’t have had to give up. You’ve had to change your entire life to accommodate me. What have I done to you? I should’ve never let you marry me. I’ve pulled all your focus from your family, and that’s not fair. I saw the fear in your eyes when Liam called you the other day. I’m making all of this worse.” She sniffs.

“Where is this coming from?” I ask her.

She shrugs and wipes her nose.

I smile and walk around to her side of the table, placing my palms on her cheeks. “You’ve got it all wrong, gem. You’re mine now. This baby is mine, ours. We are a family, for better or worse. A family sticks together, or we have nothing left. This is it. We’ve waited so long for this. I would die before I let you go again. This is forever. There is no going back. I can’t go back. You’ve made everything better. All of this worth it.“ My chest is splitting because I mean every word. It hurts to breathe at the mere thought of her leaving me.

She nods in my grasp, and tears spill out of her beautiful eyes.

“We need to stick together, please,” I beg her.

Her lips part, and then they close. I lean my head against hers.

“Baby, talk to me. Tell me what’s going on.”

“What if sticking together is more dangerous? Remember when your mom said,…she said that I need to prepare myself to do whatever it takes?”

I nod and lean back.

She takes a stuttered inhale. “What if whatever it takes is us not being together? Not because I don’t love you. I do, more than anything, but it’s not just you and me. I trust you, Kai. That’s not what this is about. But if what Liam is saying is true? Then, there is no way we can prepare for the worst. You can do a lot of things, daredevil, but you can’t see into the future.”

“No.” My throat tightens, and panic creeps up on me.

“What do you mean no?”

“I mean, I’m not letting you go. Fear does not get to make the decisions here,” I say sternly.

Needing a second, I take a deep breath and lean against the counter. I understand what she’s saying, but it doesn’t make it easier to swallow. I huff and whip my baseball cap off my head.

“Do you blame me for feeling this way?” she asks.

I rub my chin back and forth. “No, Cordelia, I don’t. But I don’t want you to regret…us,” I rasp. It hurts to say the words. “I told you before, and I’ll tell you again. I don’t regret the moment I told your dad that I got you pregnant and I would marry you. You make everything better. I saw my chance, took it, and don’t regret it. I’m glad I did it.”

“I’m glad you did, too, I am. But it does not negate the fact that I may have put my son in danger. I thought I understood it. I thought that we would be okay. Now, I’m not so sure, and I hate myself for feeling this way. I don’t want to feel this way, but I do.” She stands from her chair, and I watch her climb the two steps into our bedroom, and a tide of anger and sadness rolls through me. Her reasoning is entirely valid, and if I put myself in her shoes, I probably would have taken off. So maybe what we are doing is reckless. Maybe we are putting our feelings before logic. But for the first time in my life, I made a decision for myself, however selfish it might be. I did it for me; I did it for us.

Our first kiss branded my soul. It left me no room to debate if what I felt for Cordelia was wrong or selfish. It sealed the promise in my heart that this woman was mine. My best friend is the love of my life.

I pushed her away and told her no because I didn’t want to put her in the very position she is in now. But I will not let my father and the mob affect my marriage. He has taken too much from my family, down to the minimal sanity we all are able to cling to. I refuse to let him take her, too.

I drag my sorry ass to bed, and she’s already turned on her side, as far away from mine as she can get. I carefully get under the sheets, hoping I don’t wake her, but sleep never comes. My eyes won’t shut, and my mind won’t stop running. Cordelia and I have had a long-distance friendship since we met. It was unaffected by time. Now, I’ve married her, and she’s lying right next to me, yet I have never felt further apart. I have no idea how to fix it. I’m not sure it can be fixed. It makes something in my chest sink, but it also fills me with resolve. We will figure out what my dad is up to. I will earn that smile back.