50. Cordelia
Once I get dressed in fresh clothes and another one of Kai’s hoodies, I return downstairs and busy myself with finding tea and a kettle. I need something to do with my hands because there is no way I will be able to sleep now.
I flip on the lights and rummage around the pristinely organized kitchen for a kettle. Eventually, I find a fancy kettle that you set according to the type of tea you have. I fill it, set it for herbal tea, and put the bag in my cup while waiting for the water to boil. I rub my stomach, hopefully soothingly. Sorry, baby. Mama is too jacked up right now. Tears well in my eyes, and I take a deep breath. I’m going to be an awful mother. He isn’t even here yet, and look at what I did, what Kai had to do, what his uncles had to do.
I hear the door and startle, then Esmarie comes in with Clarence behind her, hauling bags in his hands.
“Hello, darling,” she says and kisses my cheek. I don’t get a chance to look at her too closely before she turns and gets a glass out of the cabinet. She fills it with water and downs the whole thing. “Are the boys downstairs?” she asks. I nod, looking at her. Fury is written all over her face and the way she squeezes the cup. Clarence reappears and says something in her ear. “Tell Emerson we are here, and then tell the others to check everything again,” she says to him. “If a squirrel comes into the yard, I want to know.”
“Ma’am,” he grunts and walks towards the basement door.
“I need to give him a raise, a big one,” she sighs.
The kettle beeps, signaling the water is ready, and I pour it into my mug. Esmarie stays quiet and sits at the table, crossing her ankles. She types away furiously on her phone. A moment later, Emerson comes up with Clarence and leaves out the door.
I sit on the couch to wait for Kai. The door opens again, and Emerson has a man slung over his shoulder, unmoving. He glances at me, then goes back downstairs. Esmarie walks past me, following Emerson. Part of me wants to go with, but it would upset Kai. I shouldn’t have gone down there to begin with.
I sip my tea and look out across the large wall of windows. There is a giant yard, pool house, and massive pool in the back with a raised hot tub in the corner and mountains in the distance. The door downstairs opens again, and Esmarie doesn’t spare me a glance as she walks out of the living room, likely upstairs.
***
Esmarie floats into the living room in fresh clothes and goes straight for the bar cart next to the windows. It’s about six in the morning, but I don’t blame her. I’d probably be three sheets to the wind if I wasn’t pregnant. Once she has her drink, she sits on the couch as unceremoniously as I’ve ever seen her with a large glass of Sherry in her hand. She turns, and I feel her eyes study every inch of me. I look down, hoping I got the blood off my hands from earlier. I don’t want to stain her couch.
“Are you alright?” she asks. I nod, and she takes a large drink. “Oh, I meant to tell you before all the…bullshit that I talked to the lawyer, and I have been assured that everything is good. I know you received the paperwork, but I made a special visit to Rafe and explained to him that if he should ever so much as mention a child that belongs to him, he will not like the consequences,” Esmarie says like it’s nothing, like it’s merely another thing to check off her agenda for the day.
“Thank you,” I whisper, knowing what she meant in her polite way. If Rafe so much as suggests coming for my son, he will find himself six feet below ground.
“You’re welcome, darling. That boy is a Coldwell. No one will touch him.” I nod again and take a sip of tea. “I have a question for you,” she states.
“Okay,” I say, bracing myself. Sometimes, I have no idea what’s going to come out of her mouth.
“I realize this is probably the last thing you are thinking about, but how do you feel about the boys wearing tuxedos? I think a black tie wedding would be absolutely stunning,” she says. She’s not smiling or excited like she usually would be. She’s distracting herself.
“That sounds beautiful.”
“Wonderful, I was thinking about putting the boys in Brioni tuxedos. They would look the best with your dress when you decide on it.”
“Sure, that sounds nice,” I tell her, trying to recall wedding details. “Um, how many people do you think will be there?”
She purses her lips and looks at the ceiling like she’s trying to tally the number. If it’s taking this long, I’m sure it’s going to be huge.
“As of now, I was looking at about three to four hundred.”
My jaw drops. “How do you know that many people?”
She shrugs. “It’s not the people I know, darling. Part of this performance is for the exposure. Eyes and ears are everywhere. This is also your coming out party as a Coldwell woman. I was the only one left. If I could have changed our last names back to Astor, I would have. But I can’t, so it’s high time for us to start giving a new face to the name.”
“I feel like I’m marrying into the royal family.”
Esmarie smiles, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. “Well, it’s a good thing the papers were signed many months ago because if they weren’t, I’m sure you would have run by now, and I wouldn’t blame you for a second.” I watch her and take a sip from the warm mug. I don’t know that I would have, to be honest. Kai was my best friend before and after we got married. If he needed me, I’d still be here, pregnant or not pregnant. I don’t run away from the people I love when they need me the most. I’m not that kind of woman, and I’m not going to start now.
Esmarie is trying to think about literally anything else, but sometimes, you have to do the hard thing and talk about it.
“How…how do you feel about everything?” I ask her.
She sighs and looks at me. “We’ve all had to do things we don’t want to do in order to protect those we love. It is my understanding that you have had to experience that in the last twenty-four hours.” I nod. Esmarie reaches for my hand and takes it in hers. “I’m sorry you had to do that, but thank you for saving my son.”
Doing what I had to do was something people say they will do if it comes down to it, but secretly hope they never have to. When you are put in a position like the one I was in, there isn’t any more moral contemplation; it’s kill or be killed. Now, my world is forever changed because of it. But it doesn’t negate the fact I would do it again. I’d pick Kai every single time.
“I…have never asked them to do what they are doing right now,” she says quietly. I take a sip of my tea, wishing it was liquor purely to calm my nerves. “When they were young, we had to hide for a little while.” She huffs and runs her hand through her hair. I have never seen her do that. It’s always perfectly styled. “I drove for days. We had to double back so I could make sure no one was following us. We stayed in some of the nastiest motels I have ever seen. There were some days where I had us sleep in the car.” She leans back and takes a sip of her Sherry, looking around at the opulent house surrounding us. I like it because it’s not an overt display of wealth. It’s subtle and good taste. Then Esmarie continues, “We got to California, and I put us in San Francisco for a while. I didn’t sleep for days when we got to the pay-by-the-week motel. I figured it’s easier to disappear in a city if someone is trying to find you.” She pauses for a moment, and her eyes glaze over.
“We couldn’t get to our money at that time. I had the cash I had saved for years, little by little. Most of our money was all in accounts, and I had to slowly unwind from Fred since he stole all of it. So, I had to be careful with what I did have. If one of the boys got sick or worse, I knew I’d need it for that. There was one night at the motel when I couldn’t sleep. I just had a feeling, so I stayed up. I bought a gun off the street, and serial numbers filed off. When Fred was gone for trips, I would take the boys to practice shooting.
“Anyway, I sat there facing the door and waited. I believe it’s a mother’s sixth sense, you know? When something is off, every instinct in your body says to protect by whatever means necessary. I stayed in that uncomfortable chair for what felt like hours. Then, someone walked past the window. I remember hoping and praying it was only someone else staying there.
It wasn’t…and well, he tried to get in…I’ll spare you the details, but that was the first time we all had to do something we never thought we would. Kai broke a rib, Emerson his nose, and Liam hit his head pretty good during the altercation. I shot the intruder in the head that night. And I had to ask my sons to help me…I know it messed them up, and it’s my fault. Anyway, someone heard the commotion. He was a long-haul trucker, and he put together what had happened pretty quickly. So he helped us. I didn’t ask him for it. In fact, I thought he would call the police, but he didn’t. He helped us get rid of the body and even helped us dig a hole in the middle of the desert. We got back, and he helped us clean up the room. He told us good luck and then was gone. I never even knew his name, and he didn’t ask for ours. I knew it could come back to us, but I had no choice. All I could do was pray that it didn’t. All these years later, though, I think he might have been an angel, as strange as it sounds.“ She laughs and takes another drink, looking at her now empty glass.
My tea is cold now, but I don’t care as I take another drink. Esmarie has never been so forthcoming before, and Kai has never told me any of this, probably to protect me from something. But hearing all of this makes so much sense now. I understand why he’s so protective. I would probably be the same, and maybe I am now.
“I know it sounds silly, but there’s no other explanation. So when we got here, I finally had access to our money. I hired tutors and people to train the boys so something like that would never happen again. Or, at the very least, they could defend themselves better than most goons.”
She stands to fill her glass again, returning to her spot. Her slim finger passes under her eye as she says, “There were days when I wondered if it would be safer for me to send them to a boarding school or give them up for adoption. But I couldn’t do it. They’re my babies. They were everything I was fighting for. Without them, I had nothing but a question in my mind, wondering why God would allow this. Then I realized it was them. The boys were my purpose despite all the darkness around us. They didn’t ask for this, but they could rise above it.
“By the time I could finally get out from under Fred, we had been through so much together. Emerson was already eighteen. The time to give them up for adoption had passed. I knew that if we didn’t get far enough away and stay quiet, then he would come because it would make him look bad.
“A prominent political figure’s family leaving in the middle of the night is not good for the approval polls. His relationship with the Costas relies on his ability to make sure they can operate beyond the eyes of the law, which means no mess. A man that beats his wife and children is messy, especially if we went public with it. They made our role very clear to me when the boys and I were still with Fred. It was to stay quiet regardless of what was happening behind closed doors.
“Leaving Fred made us potential issues in the Costa’s eyes because it affected Fred. I think that’s why the man came. The Costas wanted us dead because it distracted Fred from doing his job. Fred must have convinced them we were more useful to him alive. Suffice to say, that night changed all of us, and it is clear to me that the situation has changed for everyone, but we’re prepared now,” she says, and I blow out a breath and rub my stomach to comfort myself—maybe the baby and me both.
“You know that saying, God won’t give us more than we can handle?” she asks.
I nod, knowing the phrase. I’ve always hated it.
“Well, I don’t think it’s true because then what’s the point? You only get stronger when you keep lifting heavier weights. You only run further if you keep adding miles. So it would make sense that He gives us more than we can handle, not only to make us stronger but to prepare us for harder things.” She leans over and places her hand on mine over my stomach. “Our family is bigger now, and I’m so thankful for that. I never thought any of my boys would find a woman. I think they were afraid of what she would be a part of…I hope you don’t hate me,” she whispers the last words.
I clasp her cold hand in mine while looking her in the eye. “I don’t hate you, Esmarie. You have endured so much. You’re right, though, maybe He was preparing you to rid the world of an evil.” What I don’t say is there is no question in my mind that Fred is the devil’s spawn. How obsessed and drunk on power do you have to be to go after your wife and children to use them until they are no longer useful to you? If that’s not evil, I don’t know what is.
She squeezes my hand and then lets go. “I stopped asking myself why Fred? And started asking myself how to be the mother I needed to be in order for me to get them out of a situation they were born into. I told God if He could do anything for me, He would get us out. We did, and I’m grateful every day. But I’ve always known it wouldn’t be that simple. I have to accept the consequences of my actions, and I’m willing to live with them. I wish the boys didn’t have to because I see how each of them carries it. Regardless, they were able to move on the best they could, and I’m proud of them for it. I’m proud of Kai for stepping up to be the man I knew he was always capable of being. I’m proud you are my daughter now, and I’m going to have a grandbaby. See, Cordi? There are always lights at the end of the tunnel.”
“I hope so,” I rasp.
She nods, padding out of the living room, and I sit there for so long I lose track of time until this kid kicks my bladder, and suddenly peeing is my top priority. Making my way up the fancy staircase, I go to our room to do my business, then lie down even though the sun is up and shining. I want to wait for Kai and see his face when he comes up those stairs from doing whatever it is he’s doing. He told me he didn’t want any more blood to stain my hands, but isn’t one drop just as branding as a whole bucket? I just hope he’s not covered in it when this is done. Regardless, all of it leaves a stain on you. No matter how much good you try to replace it with.