Chapter 18
SADIE
I’m lost.
Not physically.
But mentally. Emotionally. Completely lost.
Walking away from Theo on the path hadn’t been fun – but it had been easy. Throwing clothes into cases, making excuses to Isla and Lottie, pasting on a brave face while I got us the hell out of there.
All doable.
Because it kept me busy.
Kept me moving. Kept the emotional tsunami at bay.
But now I’m on the train to London’s King’s Cross, Lottie tucked into my side – her and Dino quietly absorbed in her tablet – there’s nothing left to distract me. Nothing to hold back the thoughts. The heartbreak. The truth crashing over me.
How could he have done this to me?
The one man I thought I could trust. I could let go with. Be real with. Be me.
It’s soul-destroying. I’m not just mourning what we had – what I thought we had – but grieving the future I foolishly let in.
And it’s not lost on me, the irony. How I stood there and told him I could do it all on my own, when right now, being alone is the last thing I want.
I think of Taylor. Of Danny getting to her. And it kills me – knowing I brought him to her door.
She should’ve told me, and I’m angry. So angry that she didn’t.
But the guilt runs deeper.
I pull out my phone and glance at the series of missed calls, all Taylor, and messages:
Taylor
Call me, please. I’m so sorry xx
I believe her. I do. I just wish it didn’t hurt so much.
Unknown Number
My men will meet you at the station and take you wherever you want to go. Axel
My teeth grind. Taylor or Theo – one of them has been on to Axel.
But I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a part of me that felt relief. Because being angry at Theo kept me from fully thinking about Danny. And the thought of coming face to face with him – Lottie in tow – knowing the rage it must’ve taken to drive him this far…
It’s a showdown I’m in no shape to face.
My phone buzzes as I’m staring at it, and my heart flips over:
Theo
I know you hate me, but please believe me when I say I’m sorry. More than words can ever say. T xx
Hate you ? I wish I could hate you!
That’s why it hurts so goddamn much. It’s not Taylor, it’s you .
Because I was the idiot who fell in love with him all over again. I was the idiot who thought he could possibly see me and love me back. I was the idiot who’d started to hope for a future as perfect as those families on the beach. As perfect as us on the beach.
My fingers tremble as I lift the phone and take in the photo on the home screen. It’s Lottie eating ice cream – the laughter in her eyes, the hands holding her by the waist… Theo.
I press my fist to my mouth, smothering the rising sob. Oh, God, Theo.
And then I do the only thing I know I can: I call the one person I know will catch me.
It picks up on the first ring…
‘Sadie! Thank God!’
‘Tay,’ I croak out. ‘I need you.’
* * *
Theo
The house is cold and quiet, and I can’t bear it.
Not the silence.
Not Isla’s concerned gaze.
Not my conscience.
And definitely not my imagination that’s running wild with thoughts of Danny getting to her.
So I do the only thing I can: I get in the car and drive to London.
It’s the longest journey of my life.
And when I get there, I’m met with the very thing I was trying to outrun.
Emptiness.
Only here, it’s worse.
In Pembrokeshire, all trace of them was gone.
Here, in my apartment, they’re everywhere I look.
Lottie’s shoes scattered by the door. Her boxes of toys lined up against the wall. Colouring pencils still spread across the kitchen table. Her books. Her cups. Her joy.
And Sadie?—
I can smell her in the air. That faint trace of perfume I’d know anywhere.
Just like Danny…
I clench my fists, grind my teeth. No, not like Danny. Never like Danny.
My phone buzzes and I snatch it up. Hope against hope that it’s Sadie.
It’s not.
Axel
They’ve taken her to Taylor’s. She’s good. Meet me at Royal HQ.
Good? She’s not fucking good. Because I broke her. Me. Not Danny. Me.
Me
I’m not fit for company.
Axel
I’m not asking. 9pm. Else, I’m coming to you.
Me
I don’t want to talk.
Axel
Who said anything about talking, I plan on drinking…
* * *
Sadie
‘Did she go down okay?’ Taylor asks, pressing a glass of wine into my hand.
‘Yeah, she’s exhausted. A morning with Isla’s grandkids, then several train journeys, and…’
‘Isla?’
‘Theo’s housekeeper. She took her to?—’
The lump in my throat swells, and I cover my mouth to stop the tears from falling.
‘Come on, darling. Let’s get you sat down.’
She gently steers me into the living room. The space is just as impressive and minimalist as Theo’s, but hers feels softer – all creams and pale woods, perfectly Taylor chic. And here I am, the undone mess right in the centre of it all. Like always.
But I’m too hurt to care.
I fold myself into the sofa, curling my legs beneath me, and take a slow sip of wine. I don’t taste a drop. Every sense is caught in my thoughts – on Lottie, how happy she’d been coming back with Isla, how her joy softened into sadness when I told her we were leaving. Leaving without Theo.
‘She’s going to miss him so much, Tay. And I don’t know how I’m going to explain it to her.’
Taylor studies me intently. ‘Are you sure it’s her you’re worried about?’
My heart stutters, my eyes clashing with hers. ‘Of course it is, I let her get attached and now…’
‘Now what? You’re acting like you’re never going to see him again.’
‘I don’t want to see him again.’
‘I don’t think that’s true.’
‘He hurt me, Tay. You both did. I had a right to know. You should’ve trusted me with it.’
Her face crumbles. ‘I know, darling, I know, and I’m so sorry. But that night, you were a changed woman. When I thought about how you were at the airport, I just couldn’t bear you taking a backwards step. That man hurt you enough.’
‘It has nothing on the pain of being lied to by Theo.’
‘He didn’t lie to you, honey. He just didn’t tell you what happened because I told him not to. I wanted to protect?—’
‘Don’t you start with the protection thing. I’m not a kid any more.’
‘No, I know you’re not.’ She strokes my hair back from my face, her eyes welling up. ‘And I… I think you’re in love with him, aren’t you?’
‘What?’ I choke out. How can she know? ‘What did he say?’
‘It’s what neither of you are saying. I can see it in you. I think I saw it in you that night, but I told myself it was just the joy of seeing you happy again.’
‘I’m not… I don’t…’ The lie dies on my lips. ‘Oh Tay, I’m such an idiot. I loved him back then, you know. Before college. Before Danny. And he knew it. I told him. But he couldn’t see me as anything more than your little sister – he still can’t.’
‘Are you sure about that?’
Sure?
I break down, head shaking. She pulls me in, holds me tight, gently shushing as the tears finally come – tears I haven’t let fall since I walked away from Theo.
I’m not sure about anything any more. All that rubbish I fed him about standing on my own, knowing my own mind. Who’s the liar now?
But I have to be sure. I have to be strong. For Lottie. For me.
I’ve got a new life to start.
Just… not tonight.
Tonight, I can cry.
Tomorrow, I’ll stand tall and move forward with my daughter.
Just like I always meant to…
Before I fell in love with him all over again.
* * *
Theo
I’m on my third drink when Axel levels me with that stare.
‘You said we weren’t going to talk.’
‘I lied.’
I drop my head into my hands, jaw clenched tight against the churn in my gut.
‘Not talking about it doesn’t make it disappear,’ he says quietly.
‘And what would you know about it?’ I snap, flicking my head up. ‘You never loved anyone in your life.’
He doesn’t even flinch. But I do.
‘I’m sorry, Ax. I shouldn’t have said that.’
There’s something in his eye that I can’t read, something that gives me a moment’s pause. It’s not quite pain. It’s something else. Like he’s holding back on me.
‘Ax—’
‘I know enough to know what this is,’ he says over me. ‘Did you tell her?’
‘Tell her what?’
‘What do you mean, “what”? Did you tell her you’re in love with her?’
I shake my head. ‘How could I, after all that?’
A ghost of a smile tugs at the corner of his mouth. ‘Well at least you’re not denying it any more.’
He’s right. I’m not. Because I can’t.
It’s in every breath I take and will be until my last.
‘So let me get this straight: she left you because you were keeping secrets from her?’
‘Yeah.’
‘And yet, you’re still keeping the biggest secret of all to yourself.’
‘It’s not that simple.’
‘No?’
‘The last thing she wants to hear from me is that I love her.’
‘How can you know that?’
‘Because it’s exactly what Danny did to her. Every time he hurt her, he’d say it was because he loved her. That he was protecting her, keeping her safe from herself.’ The words rise like bile in my throat. ‘I was no better.’
‘You can’t seriously be comparing yourself to him?’
‘She did. She made that very clear.’
‘She was hurting, Theo.’
He rarely uses my forename, and hearing it now makes every word land like a punch.
‘Because of me .’
‘And don’t you think it hurt more, because, deep down, she’s in love with you too?’
I hold his stare. Something kicks in my chest and I shut it down hard. ‘If she did, she certainly doesn’t now.’
He leans back, lets out a low, bitter laugh. ‘And I’m the one who doesn’t know about love?’
‘What the fuck’s that supposed to mean?’
‘Love doesn’t give a damn about logic. It digs in and it stays – to hell with what makes sense, what’s right, what’s fair.’
He hooks his fingers together in his lap, dark eyes staring me down.
‘If she loved you before, she’ll love you still. You might not feel worthy of it right now, but I’m telling you, she could do no better than you. And you owe her the truth. Hell, you owe it to yourself to tell her. Then I’ll let you drown your sorrows in peace. But until then…’
‘And what if she doesn’t want to hear it?’
‘At least you will have told her your truth, and the choice will be hers to make.’
I knock my whisky back. Let it scorch the hope clawing at my throat.
‘Since when have you not gone after what you want, Tanner?’
Since the day I fell in love with a woman I thought I could never have…