Final Cost (The Winter Trilogy #3)

15. Tamsyn

15

Tamsyn

I stiffen and whip back around to face him. “Excuse me?”

“I’m hoping that one day soon you’ll get tired of hiding in your room and pretending you don’t still love me,” he says, staring me hard in the face.

So there they all are at long last. All the elephants I’ve been ignoring. Crowded into the room with us, waving their trunks around and ready to trample us with an enthusiastic rampage.

I’m too shocked to speak for a moment. Too undone by his gall. Until sudden rage consumes me in a white-hot flame and makes my voice shake as I discover that I want this talk and this fight. I need them. And I’m sick of myself. I never dreamed I was such a coward.

“What’s the puzzle, Lucien? What’s to discuss, Mister We Need to Talk? I already know why you did what you did — because you’re as cruel as that psycho wife you just buried.” I almost stop there, but I can’t slow myself down now that I’ve started. The genie is out of the bottle and he’s the one who lifted the lid. Let him deal with it. “The only difference is that Ravenna was kind enough to try to kill me physically. You tried to kill me emotionally. Which was a million times worse.”

He surges to his feet and hurries around the desk, arms outstretched. “I did what I had to do to protect you.”

I bark out a laugh. “You ripped my heart out to protect me? Wouldn’t it have been easier just to hire those secret security guards of yours?”

“ No . Because when she set that fire, Ravenna showed herself to be as dangerous as I always feared she was. But it wasn’t directed at me . It was directed at you . And I can’t have that.”

I almost choke on the bitterness of my laugh. “Oh, you can’t have that. That explains it all.”

“Have you spend your life as the target of my psychopathic wife? A woman who was capable of faking her own death and sneaking onto my property despite all the measures I put in place to keep her away?” A new stillness comes over him, absolute and impenetrable. And suddenly the pyramids in Egypt are more movable than he is. “No . I’m not having that. Better for you to hate me but be free to live your life and let me deal with Ravenna. She was my burden to bear. Not yours. Never yours.”

“Well, thank you for all that nobility on my behalf.” I lace the words with all the venom inside me and hurl them at him. “I’ve been really free as I cry myself to sleep every night thinking about the look on your face when you smashed me like a bug and then threw me away.”

His expression softens as he comes closer, reaching for me. “Tamsyn…”

“And you want to know the funny thing? Well, two funny things, actually. I knew you were lying when you sat there and told me you didn’t love me.”

“I know you did.” He looks so stricken at the memory that I almost feel sorry for him. “I could barely force myself to get it out.”

“But I also knew— from the second we danced together on the cruise— that you would break my heart one way or the other. I just never imagined how painful it would be.” My voice cracks. I hate myself for it. But I need to get it all out. “In my wildest dreams, I never imagined that anything other than someone dying could make me feel this shitty.”

“I didn’t know what else to do, Tamsyn. I wanted to keep you safe.”

“And I wanted to be with you no matter what!”

“How long were you going to be with me if I couldn’t stop Ravenna from taking another crack at you and maybe finishing you off that time? You think it was easy to do the right thing?”

A new wave of rage makes me shout. Who knows. Maybe the next one will make me pick up a lamp and throw it across the room. “I don’t care about your moral dilemmas. Do you know what a mind fuck it was for me to know you love me but were still willing to stab me in the heart like that? What was I supposed to do with that? And I knew you were lying. I knew it!”

“I know.” His mouth twists until he can barely get any words out. “That’s why I had to tell you that I followed you to Europe. Maybe if you knew what kind of man I really am, that would make it easier for you to leave.”

God. There are so many twisted layers to this pile of elephant shit between us. I want to ask, but it’s like English is no longer my first language and I don’t know what to do with words. “So that was true?”

A sharp nod. “Yes,” he says, staring me in the face.

I don’t know what to do with this information. Any of it. “Well. I don’t know what to say. Other than congratulations on a perfectly executed plan.”

“You think it was easy? You think I wanted to do it? Don’t you think I felt like I was dying? Like I’d rather die than push away the one person I need to live?”

“Maybe, but you did it anyway, didn’t you?”

“Yeah. Because I’m nothing. You’re everything. My feelings don’t matter. I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure you’re safe—especially after the fire. And if that means sacrificing my own happiness, I’m glad to do it. I’d do it again in a heartbeat.”

“What do you want, Lucien?” I sound strangled now. “A round of applause for your nobility? A medal? A parade in your honor? Well, I don’t forgive you! Fuck you!”

“Understood,” he says lightly. Too lightly. I sense a trap. “But I have a question for you: what would you have done if Ravenna tried to kill me? What would you have done to protect me ?”

I stiffen, a sudden red haze descending on my vision. My inner Incredible Hulk wakes up and begins destroying everything in sight. I don’t manage to say any words, but I suspect that the way I’m suddenly curling my lips and in danger of baring my teeth says it all.

“That’s what I thought,” he says, and I hate him anew for it. He doesn’t seem triumphant. He just seems certain. And that’s bad enough.

I gesture toward the door, but it suddenly seems very far away and I have no confidence that my wobbly legs will get me there. “You wanted to get rid of me, you got rid of me. I’m only back temporarily. Are we done? I’m all talked out.” I take off without waiting for an answer, but he hurries around me, blocking me.

“We are not done talking. And we are not over. Ravenna’s dead now. If I can keep myself out of prison, there’s no reason why you and I can’t be together.”

“No reason?” A burble of hysteria erupts, making me laugh shrilly. But there’s also a sob inside there somewhere. “ No reason ? There is a reason. You’re a liar, a manipulator and now also apparently a stalker, and I don’t trust you. Plus, it looks like you are about to be arrested for murdering your wife. You want a reason why we can’t be together? Pick one.”

He recoils as though I just spat on him. And it’s funny how one second ago I lashed out, wanting to hurt him, but now I want to take it all back if it will wipe that desolation off his face.

“I’m not saying I’m a prize,” he says quietly, coming even closer. “But we’re good together when we’re not dealing with all this other bullshit. We still love each other. And you and I both know this isn’t over. Tell me I’m wrong.”

We stare at each other. His gaze is hot. Hard. Searching. As vulnerable as I feel.

I turn away, shaking my head and dropping onto the sofa because he’s far too close and his eyes always see too much. They always zero in on the one thing I want to hide from him with the unerring accuracy of a heat seeking missile.

“Leave me alone, Lucien,” I say, still shaking my head as I press a hand to my chest. Because now, on top of every other fucking thing, I can’t quite catch my breath. “Why can’t you just leave me alone? Please . Can’t you see I can’t breathe?”

I think it’s a reasonable request, but Lucien the Merciless swoops in to take advantage of my weakness. Once again, he’s right there in my face, dropping to his knees in front of me and caging me by planting his hands on the cushions on either side of me.

“I’m sorry.” I’m not prepared for the raw anguish in his voice or the turbulence in his eyes. “I’m sorry . But you have to forgive me.”

“I don’t forgive you,” I say, but I’m the liar now. Because part of my brain — the foolish part — is now standing in front of a white board drawing arrows and making calculations, trying to arrange things in a way that maybe this all makes sense. Maybe he did do it to protect me. Maybe there is no reason why we can’t be together now. Maybe it would be safe to trust him again. Just this once. And I don’t want to be stupid here, but his hands have moved to my hips and he’s even closer, his face hovering a hair’s breadth from mine. “Only a fool would forgive you.”

“We can’t keep up like this, Tamsyn. It’s unnatural. We both know it. I’m on my knees. Please .”

He’s angling his mouth over mine now, his hands gliding up to cup my face as his fingers curl deep into my hair. In all the heat and emotion, with desire spiraling lower and my chin tipping up by itself, there’s no room for my rule about not kissing him. Worse, there’s no energy for me to keep blocking the door to keep him out of my heart.

“Why should I give you another chance? What would ever make you think that I would?”

“Because.” It takes him great effort to get the words out. When he does, I can barely hear his hoarse voice. “I have all the privilege in the world. But I’ve never been happier than I am when you smile at me. Just a random smile on a regular day is all I need. But I need it. So the next time you think there’s a power imbalance between us, remember that.”

Oh, God. I shake my head, my heart stuttering and stalling out. “Lucien…”

“And I plan to make it my life’s work to get you to smile at me every day.”

The worst part about this pretty speech is that he looks like he means every word. And it doesn’t matter whether I want to believe him or not. I just do.

I don’t know who moves first. But suddenly my hands are on his face and I’m slowly pulling him in. Our mouths come together in one lush nuzzle. One perfectly timed mutual sweep of tongues. And then he’s making a broken noise of relief — of triumph and joy — and we’re right back where we were, wrapped up in each other as though there was never any interruption. Could never be another interruption.

I taste tears. I suspect that they’re mine but I can’t swear that none are his. I revel in the salty taste and the sweet release. I want to keep kissing him exactly like this. To die like this. But it’s hard to kiss and smile and my smile cannot be stopped. When he pauses and I see the wonder in his shining eyes — the absolute adoration — I know I’ve made the right decision.

A startled laugh from him in response, swiftly replaced by a sweeping look of illicit purpose as he reaches for the bodice of today’s little sundress and rips it open down the middle with a loud tearing sound that’s the sexiest thing I’ve ever heard.

We come together hard, all frantic heat. He yanks my strapless bra down and roughly runs his hands over my bare breasts. My hips. My thighs. He presses me onto my back, wedging himself between my spreading thighs and looming over me as my poor panties die the same death as my dress and get tossed aside. I start to reach for his jacket so I can push it off his shoulders, but there’s no time for that. No need. I don’t need his jacket off for him to fuck me and neither of us can wait.

“Hurry,” I say, reaching for his buckle and cocking my hips for him. “Don’t make me wait.”

“Don’t worry.”

He shoves my hands aside and takes over, yanking that zipper open and freeing himself as he reaches between us. He doesn’t waste time stroking my clit. Why bother? We both know I’m already soaking wet for him. I wrap my legs around his waist, the feeling of his belt hard against my inner thigh as he enters me with a single sharp thrust that has me seeing stars. We both cry out, staring at each other, faces twisted with gathering ecstasy and mouths agape.

“I love you.” His voice shakes. “You’re my life.”

“I know,” I say, because I do.

I crane my neck and lick my way back into his mouth, then flex my legs to bring him closer. He palms my bare ass. Hard . And then he fucks me as though both our lives depend on it, those swiveling hips unerringly hitting my sweet spot with the kind of precision that would make a NASA scientist weep with envy. It doesn’t take long. Thirty seconds? Forty-five? That’s all I need before I find myself screaming joyous nonsense wrapped around his name as the spiraling pleasure reaches its tipping point, making my back arch, my head fall back, my eyes roll closed and my toes curl.

He’s right there with me, his entire body stiffening. I cup the hard globes of his ass, absorbing his pleasure with my spasming hips and reveling in the fact that we’re back together like this , and I still have this power over him and, best of all, he loves me the way part of me always knew he did.

Do we pass out once we’ve wrung all possible pleasure from each other? Sleep? Slip into an alternate dimension? No idea. But I know some time passes. And I know he’s still buried deep inside me when he raises his head and gives my cheek the gentlest possible kiss.

“So much for me being in control and doing things on my timeline,” I say, trying to scowl and failing miserably. “Alas.”

There’s the flash of his beloved grin. Less pirate-like this time. All quiet satisfaction. “We’ve got to get rid of this idea of control. Think of it as me doing my best to restore the natural order of things between us. How’s that?”

“I can live with that,” I say, drowsy now. “Truce.”

“Good. I hate to say this at a time like this.” He pauses, his voice a velvety rumble in my ear. “But you need to know I didn’t kill her.” He stares down at me, waiting, willing me to believe it. “And I didn’t hire anyone to do it.”

I lift my heavy lids and try to shift gears to keep up with him. “I know.”

“Do you?” he says, one of those dark brows going up.

I hesitate. I don’t mean to. But I do. His expression falls accordingly.

“Ninety-eight percent of me believes you.” I smooth the hair away from his temples to soften the blow. I don’t know what’s happened to the other two percent. I just know that it’s not currently present and accounted for. “Can’t that be enough for right now? That, and us being back together?”

He smiles, leaning down to kiss my forehead. “Yeah. I’ll take that.”

“Good.”

“I am going to need you to put your necklace back on, though.”

I wordlessly reach for the pocket of my ruined dress, pull out the necklace and dangle it in his face. He grins. I blush like an idiot. Then I put it back on with him watching me the whole time.

Once that’s settled to our mutual satisfaction, he gathers me closer and we drift along for a while, our heads together on the pillow, legs intertwined. I’m beginning to think he’s fallen asleep, but then he surprises me.

“When I first saw you…”

This reference to our meeting at the LaGuardia departures lane grabs my attention, sleep forgotten. “Yes…?”

“When I first saw you, I thought… Don’t let her go .”

My heart swoops like a kite on a breezily perfect spring day. “You did?”

“Yeah. There was nothing normal about it. Nothing rational. It was just emphatic.” A long pause. “As if my life depended on it. Because it did.”

“What do you mean?” I say, shifting to my side to face him because I don’t want to miss a single detail of this confession.

He’s got his elbow bent and his head propped on his hand, his unfocused gaze zeroed in on the memory as he quietly continues. “I’m not sure what I mean. Even now.” Helpless laugh. “How do you describe a lightning strike on top of your head? Do you say that it’s hot? That it’s bright? That it’s life-changing? That you can’t get over it or pretend it never happened? I just knew that I couldn’t let you go. Wouldn’t . I knew that you were my answer.”

No one has ever or could ever stop my heart the way he does. “Your answer? To what?”

His gaze flicks back to me. Focused and steady. Luminous. All joy. “Everything.”

I’m smiling again. He’s staring again.

“I can’t believe I had that effect on you,” I say, and I feel the blush rising up my neck and across my cheeks.

“Believe it. But how could I explain any of that without scaring you away? Do you know how freaked out I was? You think I wanted to find myself in Barcelona? Dashing to men’s stores trying to find two weeks’ worth of clothes and praying I’d even get a cabin on the ship? All while ditching the important meeting in Boston that was the reason I was at the airport in the first place?”

“I thought you looked out of place. You only had a briefcase when you got on the plane.

“Indeed,” he says darkly.

“A normal man would have asked me for a drink in the city when we got back,” I point out, my cheeks still burning.

“Nothing about us is normal.” He grins in a devastating display of dimples. “But I thought about it.”

“And…?”

“Fuck that.” I hate to say it, but I find something about his pirate’s smile and his unapologetic stance to be wildly arousing. He saw me. He wanted me. The end. Isn’t that what every woman wants? “Would you rather have a cosmopolitan at some random bar in the Meatpacking District? Or fun adventures all over the Mediterranean?”

“No comment, you arrogant ass,” I say, laughing, smacking him on the butt and trying to turn my head away when he kisses me. But he’s not having it and neither am I, to be honest. He seals his mouth over mine, a tender kiss so perfect it’s like a direct pipeline to heaven.

“This isn’t going to be easy,” he says, his expression darkening when he lets me up for air. “You know that, right?”

I could do without this reminder of the rest of the world, but I nod anyway, my heart heavy now. “I know.”

He gives me a look of purest determination. “I was always going to do whatever I could to stay out of jail. But now they we’re back together?” He shakes his head, all grim intensity. “I’m not going to let anything stand in our way. Especially now that we’ve gotten past most of your doubts.”

“Good.”

“I need you to have faith in me. Can you do that?”

There’s only one answer to that. The truest answer I could ever give him. “I’ll do anything for you. As long as we’re together. I can deal with everything else.”

“Same,” he says, tightening his arms around me again as he leans in for another kiss. “Same.”