Chapter 12
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The dream I was having slowly slips out of reach as the noises of the city outside flood my ears. My head is heavy and as I open my eyes, my room starts to spin.
I had somehow found my way back to my bed, feeling warm underneath my duvet even though I am completely naked. I pause for a moment, straining my ears to listen for any noise in my apartment, and realizing I must be the only one here as it remains eerily quiet. My memories are a blur; I have no recollection of how the night ended or how I ended up here.
I slowly shift out of bed, finding my balance as nausea threatens to overwhelm me. I feel like last night got out of hand, but I don’t remember anything after bumping into Sam.
I stumble to the bathroom as the room keeps spinning, barely making it to the toilet before I begin vomiting, the contents of last night’s drinking emptying from my stomach violently.
I stand up shakily, starting the shower before standing in front of the mirror to brush my teeth. The sight I’m greeted with is nothing short of shocking. My hair is a mess; the once neat waves now a tangled mass of brown, and my mascara is smudged down my cheeks. Had I been crying?
My gaze travels south and I’m surprised to see bruises speckling my arms, my sides, and my knees.
What the fuck happened last night?
I can’t feel anything over the pounding in my head, so I step into the shower hoping to wash the hangover away, racking my brain for any memory that would help me figure out what happened last night.
I wash myself thoroughly before sitting down on the shower floor, running conditioner through my hair until the knots start to untangle, hoping for the hot water to wash away the uneasy feeling growing in the pit of my stomach.
I sit with my eyes closed, trying to find peace underneath the running water, until my phone starts to ring, its chime rattling my head. I stand up, turning off the water quickly as I rush to grab my towel and find my phone, desperate for the noise to stop.
I reach for my phone on my dresser, only to see Sam calling me.
“Hey, you!” I answer, trying to bring a note of cheerfulness to my voice while quietly trying to hold another wave of nausea at bay.
Silence answers me.
I wrap my towel around me as I sit down on my bed.
“Sam, what’s going on?”
“You…” she answered quietly, pausing for a moment before continuing. “You were absolutely unhinged last night. I barely recognized you as you were leaving Heat.”
What is she talking about?
“What the fuck is going on with you lately?” She spits angrily. “I have never seen you so out of control.”
“Sam,” I start, still trying to piece the memories together, albeit unsuccessfully. “I was so drunk I honestly don’t even remember most of last night. I know I overdid it and drank way too much.”
“More like you snorted too much…”
“I …”
“Don’t try to deny it, I saw you… multiple times. By the end of the night, you guys weren’t even trying to be discreet. I lost count of how much you snorted or how many times Rhett and his friends offered you pills, and that’s only when I happened to glance your way. Who knows how much you actually took? All I know is you were all absolutely trashed. And Evi, the things they were all saying…” She sighs heavily, and I hear the tears catch in her voice.
“Sam… it couldn’t have been that bad, we were just letting loose. I don’t know what you heard but I’m sure it was just us having fun. You know I have a dry sense of humor sometimes—”
“Not what you were saying. What they were saying.” She lets out a shaky breath, as the pit in my stomach starts to grow amidst her worry.
“I want you to put yourself in my shoes for a second, okay? Imagine what it might feel like to run into someone you care about, who used to be your best friend.” I feel a flash of grief. Used to be your best friend. But not anymore, the unspoken words weigh heavily on me.
She continues steadily, “And imagine you see this friend, who you usually have to drag to the bar, doing an incomprehensible amount of drugs, oblivious to the fact that the guy she’s dating and all his friends are talking about everything they want to do to her later.”
I freeze, both at her words and at the realization that I don’t even remember meeting his friends.
“No…” I start, refusing to believe her.
“That’s what they were saying. I overheard them saying the most…” She sobs, trailing off. “How can you be around people who talk about you like that? What are you thinking?” She demands, the hurt in her voice turning into anger.
“Sam, that’s not true,” I start, my own voice shaky. “Rhett wouldn’t… He’s never…” I take a breath. “Look, I don’t know what you overheard, but it must have been a joke. There’s no way Rhett would let anyone talk about me like that. He cares about me, okay?” I don’t know who I’m trying to convince, Sam or myself.
“He said he’d give them each a turn with you, for the right price,” she whispers, and I feel the blood drain from my face.
I close my eyes, carefully trying to control the pit in my stomach as it tries to turn into a chasm, threatening to consume all of me.
“You’re lying,” I say quietly. “You’re lying. You’re just jealous I have someone who’s interested in me, someone who cares about me.” I spit, letting anger take the reins.
“Stop Evi, please,” she says firmly. “I really don’t want to hear what you have to say. I have seen you let loose, I used to be the one you let loose with. But this wasn’t that, and deep down I think even you know it.” She takes a breath before continuing, “And the things Rhett was saying, boasting about the deal you guys have, about how much money you owe him and how he can make you do anything he wants, because that’s how you pay him back. How he could even get you to do anything his friends want, because that’s how much you listen to him. Please tell me it isn’t true…” She trails off.
“You’re blowing this way out of proportion. There’s no way he said that. You know we made a deal, but it’s not what you’re describing…”
She cuts me off. “The Evi I know wouldn’t have agreed to this deal in a million years.”
“The Evi you knew wasn’t about to get her water and heat shut off and lose her apartment. I did what I had to do.” I spit back at her. “And you know what, it’s not all bad, to have someone actually care about me and show me affection, someone who actually shows up for me.” I’m surprised by the defensiveness coating my words.
“Evi… if you’re implying I don’t show up for you…”
Now it’s my turn to cut her off. “That’s exactly what I’m implying. Don’t you find it interesting how the second I no longer have a trust fund to fall back on we start to have all these issues?” I practically yell.
“I was working. I’ve been just as busy as you!”
I don’t want to find the truth in her words. I’m angry now, and hurt, and I’m letting everything out, throwing all my frustration at her.
She sighs, letting out a long breath before continuing to talk quietly, a strain behind the calm in her voice.
“You know what? If you want to continue down this path that you’re on, be my guest. But I’m not going to stand by like everyone else and watch you drown. But I will tell you one thing: You’re in deeper than you realize. I have never seen you throw back so much alcohol on a single night out, and I have definitely not known you to do drugs until you can no longer stand.”
Is that how I got the bruises on my knees?I think to myself.
“Whether or not you want to admit it is up to you, but Rhett is clearly using you for a good time. No one who actually cares about you would stand around while you can barely keep yourself together in the middle of a club, only to offer you more drugs a second later… and they sure as hell wouldn’t sit there as their friends talk about what they would do to you if you were their girlfriend, laughing with them instead of shutting that shit down. You’re a mess, Evi, and you’re surrounded by people who don’t actually care about you, but you’re too blinded by whatever it is Rhett is offering you to actually see what’s going on. So, grow up, and sort yourself out,” she yells, hanging up the phone before I can even answer.
I sit in stunned silence, unsure of whether I want to call her back or process what she just said.
Rhett isn’t using me. I agreed to this, I think to myself. I shake my head, convincing myself that Sam couldn’t have possibly heard them right, most likely not understanding his type of humor, his jokes often falling flat around me most of the time as well. But it had to be a joke, right?
I stand up from the bed, starting to get dressed in preparation for my early shift at work. But I can’t help but think about what she said, and a nagging voice in the back of my head has me wanting to call Rhett just to hear him deny everything Sam said, reassuring me that I am right.
I pick up my phone again and dial his number, only to go straight to voicemail. My breathing quickens as panic starts to flood through me, the pit in my stomach unable to be contained any longer. I try dialing his number a few more times as I pace throughout my room, tears rolling down my cheeks as my call is never answered. I don’t want Sam’s words playing on repeat through my head, but I can’t get them to stop, our conversation drowning out all logical thoughts.
I need Rhett to tell me the truth. I rummage through my drawer, desperately looking for relief from the tide of emotions that threatens to drown me. I find a little white pill in a bag hidden under a pair of socks. Sinking to the floor, my hands shake as I dial his number again, my call going straight to voicemail for the tenth time. I try to breathe, but no matter how much I try, it feels as though there’s not enough oxygen in the room to fill my lungs.
I pop the pill in my mouth, gathering just enough saliva so it slides down my throat slowly as I gasp for air, hoping some relief finds me quickly.
Eventually, my hands stop shaking and my breathing becomes fluid, the panic in me held at bay by the oxy in my system. I wait a few more minutes, and I swear I even feel a mild euphoria start to fill the void that was in my stomach just moments before. I grab onto the dresser behind me, willing myself to stand up, and trudge to my bathroom to start getting ready for work.
I look at myself in my mirror again, more unsure than ever of who I see staring back at me. And while I keep trying to convince myself that Sam is lying, a small part of me wonders why Rhett is avoiding my calls.