21. Hope
21
HOPE
M y muscles strain as I drag a huge fern from the front corner window to the other side of the room. As the end of May brings warmer temperatures, I have to rearrange my floor displays so the right plants get all of the sun they need while others don’t get too much.
Despite the effort, it’s one of my favorite things to do. Caring for plants, knowing they wouldn’t survive without me, fills me with an enormous amount of satisfaction. It’s amazing how happy I can be when I’m finally starting to feel like myself again.
Even Claire asked me what was going on, so I finally told her about Levi. She squealed throughout the entire retelling of my date, then asked a million questions I only had half the answers to: Are we going out again? Did I want to go out again? How could I resist having sex with the flaming hotness of Levi Jackson?
I blushed from head to toe when she asked that last one.
It felt so good to share my life with someone for once, even though participating in girl talk with Claire was an interesting experience. I struggled to share all my thoughts with her, but I do feel a certain sense of camaraderie between us now. Sometimes, a small sliver of regret will hit me because I didn’t take advantage of the friendships I could’ve made when I first moved here. I have to keep reminding myself that I wasn’t in a place to be open with those people like you should be with friends.
I needed to do things on my own first before I attempted to bring others into my life. For too long, I was under the thumb of someone else’s decisions with no say in the matter. I was constantly shoved into this tiny box of limited choices, unable to do anything other than survive. Once I had the freedom to make my own choices, I needed to know I could do it on my own without anyone else’s influence.
If I’d attempted to make friends when I moved to Sonoma, I wouldn’t have been able to discern if it was my choice or someone else’s. But now, as I rearrange my store’s display to my own specifications, I know I’m ready to start letting people into my life again.
I’m tired of being stuck living my life day to day, too afraid to believe something better is out there. I want to start making plans beyond what I’ll do tomorrow, even if I’m terrified those plans will be taken away from me. My past will always be a part of me, but I think I’m finally ready to see what my future could look like. If Levi is a part of it, I wouldn’t mind one bit. If he’s not, I’d still be okay.
Although, thinking about never seeing Levi again has my heart lurching in my chest. I had so much fun on our date. The dancing and conversation were so much more than I ever thought possible with a man. On top of everything, the way he took care of me after my nightmare was heart melting. And the kiss! I’ve replayed our kiss a million times in my head, going so far as to imagine things that could come after another kiss like that.
He made sure to get my number before he left my house, then proceeded to text me the rest of the day. We’ve both been so busy with work this past week we haven’t been able to find a time to get together again. I think that’s a good thing, though. It’s given us time to talk, to get to know each other on a deeper level. Sometimes, we chat about silly things, other times, we’ll discuss our hopes and dreams.
In the evenings, he video calls me while he’s working on his house. I never knew a tool belt could be a turn-on. It’s not just the wardrobe I’m enjoying, either. It’s everything about Levi. His humor, his mind, his hazel eyes. Everything about him calls to me, and despite all our chats, I’ve started to miss him. Being on video doesn't quite match the feeling of actually being in his presence. I’ve been dying to see him in person again, and I wish I was brave enough to tell him.
I want to feel his arms around me, holding me close. I want to experience all the sensations of his body next to mine while his lips devour me whole. I just want… him.
The door chimes, bringing with it the sound of heavy chatter between friends. A smile forms as I right myself from dragging the fern around the room. With my hands on my hips, I take in the group of women who walked into my store.
Quinn, Lucy, Sara, and Megan—the girls Levi is best friends with—spend a few minutes checking out my new displays. It still has a secret garden vibe, but it’s a little more summery with all of the seasonal flowers available now.
“This looks amazing, Hope!” Quinn says, walking toward me.
“Thanks. I finished updating it today.” I walk back to the counter, cleaning up some of the scraps of greenery littering the surface to keep my hands busy. “Can I help you guys find anything?”
“We actually came in to talk to you!” Lucy grins at me from Quinn’s side.
“Are you doing anything next weekend?” Quinn asks.
“I don’t think so.” I hesitate, confused about where this is going.
“Want to have dinner with us? We’re getting together at Nat’s house and wanted to invite you to come, too. We figured this would be more low-key than a night out at Donna’s.”
“Oh, wow. Um… yeah, that would be great.” Surprise floods me at the invitation. When we had dinner at the Jacksons’, Quinn invited me out with them, but I figured she was only being kind. I never imagined she’d follow through. They’re such a close group of friends, it’s hard to believe they’d want to add another person into the mix.
“Yay! Does Sunday evening work for you?” Megan asks. Her blonde hair and blue eyes give off a barbie vibe, but paired with her genuine smile and kind demeanor, she comes off more friendly than stuck up.
“I think so.”
“Fantastic! We’ll see you next Sunday, then.” Quinn grins at me, then ushers the group out of the store.
The exchange happened so quickly that I didn’t even ask about details. What am I supposed to do at a dinner party? I’ve never been to one before. Do I bring food? Or drinks? I have no idea where Natalie lives, so that’s a whole other detail I’ll need to get sorted. My anxiety is going to go crazy over the next week. Claire’s footsteps jingle as she comes out of the back room, carrying a potted hibiscus plant.
“Did I hear you getting invited somewhere?” she asks, setting the plant down in the perfect place. I didn’t even need to tell her where I wanted it.
“Yes, you did. Quinn Jackson and her group of friends invited me over for dinner.”
“Well, look at you, miss social butterfly!” Claire winks. Her teasing makes the tension in my shoulders loosen.
“This is crazy. Making my own friends was always frowned upon in my old life. What the hell have I gotten myself into?”
Claire’s stricken expression has me replaying my words. It was probably the most I’ve ever said about my past to her. Despite being willing to put myself out there, sharing what happened before I moved to Sonoma is difficult. I’m sure my statement is both shocking and confusing for her. Out of context, it doesn’t make much sense.
“You’ve made a new life with the freedom to do what you please. Making friends seems to be on the agenda now,” she says softly. I wonder if she understands my past more than I give her credit for. After all this time, it’s probably obvious what I went through without needing to share the details.
“I have friends. Well, one friend.”
“Who?”
“You, silly girl.” I laugh.
Claire beams at me as she walks closer. “I’m glad you think of me as a friend. I think the same of you, but you need more. Ones who are closer to your own age and don’t work for you.”
Knowing she’s right, I heave out a sigh. I was never very good at making friends. I didn’t have much opportunity when it truly mattered. I had friends in school growing up, but I lost them after my grandmother died.
When I moved in with Dad, I was stuck in survival mode. I never had the time to make new ones. Then, after he died, I wasn’t allowed to talk to anyone save for a couple of people. Looking back, I realize how lonely I was. I didn’t have the headspace to acknowledge that loneliness until now. I had more important things to worry about.
“This is a good thing,” she continues, and I nod. It is a good thing. It’s time to start making those friendships I’ve always wanted.
It’s probably going to end horribly, but at least I can say I tried.