27. Hope
27
HOPE
“ W hat do you mean, you’ve never been to a football game?” Levi asks incredulously.
“I don’t know how else to say it. I’ve never been to a game.” I glance over at him; he’s got one hand on the steering wheel, the other gently holding mine on his lap.
“Not even at your high school?”
“Nope.”
“Absolutely crazy. Football is intense here. We’ll go to a game when the season starts in the fall so you can see what I mean.”
A warm, fuzzy feeling flows through me at the thought of still being with Levi in the fall. There’s something comforting about him planning things out so far in advance when we’ve spent very little time together. I think it’s the idea of Levi wanting to still be with me in the future, even after finding out how big of a mess I can be.
We left for home an hour ago, which turned out to be a lot more difficult than I expected. I wasn’t ready to leave the beach yet, wanting to enjoy the little bubble we’d created in our cottage for a bit longer. We spent most of last night lying in bed, going from talking about anything under the sun to feeling each other up to distraction.
It was absolute bliss to feel so comfortable spending an entire night naked and getting thoroughly ravished.
This morning, we slowly made our way downstairs, had a small breakfast, then packed up our things to go home. Levi promised he’d bring me back again, which helped make leaving a little easier. I’m not sure what awaits us back home or what our relationship will look like when we get there, but knowing he’ll be by my side gives me the confidence to handle whatever comes at me.
“I’m sure I’ll enjoy it, as long as you’re there with me, but I still think baseball is better. There was a field around the corner from the apartment I lived in when I was in high school. I’d go to the games in the evenings if I wasn’t working.”
“I played baseball in school. I wasn’t good at it, but I enjoyed it.”
“I bet you looked hot in those pants.”
Levi throws his head back and laughs while shaking his head. “Did you play a sport?”
“No. For a lot of different reasons.” I say a little more seriously.
“I don’t want to push you, but I’m ready to listen if you’re ready to talk.”
I sigh, hating how dark my life was before I moved to Sonoma. Having opened myself up to making new connections with people, I don’t want to bring the dark into the sunshine despite knowing it’s time. “My life has never been happy, Levi. Are you sure you want to ruin the view you have of me?”
“Hope, nothing is going to ruin my view of you. No matter what happened in your past, it’s still a part of you. It’s turned you into the woman I’m falling hard for, and I want to know everything about you. Even if it’s not all sunshine and rainbows.”
Emotions swallow me up, closing off my windpipe. Levi lifts my hand and kisses my knuckles in the way I love. “Okay… you asked for it,” I say as I try to figure out where to start.
“You know my mom died giving birth to me,” I start as Levi nods his head in response. “I was given to my grandmother because my dad wasn’t in the picture at the time. She was always loving towards me, but there was very little in the way of parenting from her. She suffered from severe depression, which was compounded by the deaths of my mom and grandfather, so I learned to be self-reliant very early on. I didn’t mind because, like I said, I knew she loved me. We spent a lot of time in her garden, tending to her roses, which, of course, I loved. We had a good life.
“Then, when I was fifteen, she died. I woke up one morning, got ready for school, and when she didn’t come to say goodbye to me, I found her in bed. I’m still not sure how she died; I was too young for anyone to feel the need to tell me. A social worker came, did some digging, and managed to find my father. From that point on, my life was a living nightmare.”
Levi clears his throat, then squeezes my hand. “He was the one who hurt you? Made it difficult for you to handle physical touch?”
“He was my first experience with abuse, yes. He took a lot of his anger out on me. He didn’t want me. I was a burden to him, which he reminded me of regularly. Mostly with his fists. Never with… anything else.
“In high school, I worked at a flower shop because we didn’t have any other income. Dad was a gambler, and even when he won, the money would go straight into the next bet. If I had to guess, that was the reason he kept me instead of letting me go into foster care. ”
“Did you go to college after you graduated school?”
“No, I didn’t have the money. I also couldn’t get a scholarship because my grades were horrendous. I worked so many hours to make ends meet, my schoolwork ended up coming last.”
“Jesus, Hope. You’re Wonder Woman.” He shakes his head, and I look at him like he’s crazy.
“I’m not even close to Wonder Woman. I barely kept a roof over our heads. I think the flower shop owner paid me more than was typical for a high schooler because he knew a little about my home life.”
“Hope, you were a teenager. Do you realize how strong you had to be to both graduate from high school and keep a roof over your head at the same time?”
I shrug my shoulders because he’s making it sound like I did something wonderful. All I did was keep us from becoming homeless. “After I graduated, I worked full time at the flower shop. I would’ve moved out right away, but I didn’t have the money for a deposit on my own apartment. I started squirreling my paychecks away in the hopes that one day I could move out. It was a slow process since Dad forced me to give him more money, but I still managed to save a little at a time, which gave me the strength to keep going.
“Then my dad got diagnosed with progressive lung cancer. He died a few months after he was diagnosed.”
I pause in my story, unsure of how best to move forward. If I tell Levi everything, he could both see me differently and potentially be in danger. I can’t allow either of those scenarios to happen. Especially putting him in danger. He doesn’t deserve to have this hanging over his head. He’s done everything to make me feel safe. If I can do the same, I will.
“Right before he died, I was told he had racked up a huge gambling debt, and everything we owned would go towards paying it off. I was then informed that I was a part of the deal, that my dad had basically sold me to his friend to repay his debt. I was to live with this man, doing whatever he asked of me because my father was a piece of shit.” Bitterness creeps into my voice. Saying the words out loud makes my stomach burn with anger. I’ve only had to tell my story to one other person, and she’s been instrumental to my healing.
I glance over at Levi before I finish the story. His jaw is clenched, his hand squeezing the steering wheel tight enough to make his knuckles turn white. With anyone else, I’d be nervous at his obvious anger, but he’s gently sliding his thumb across the back of my hand. It’s soothing my jagged nerves and helps me start the next part of the story.
“At first, it was okay. He lived in a nice house with a beautiful flower garden. Honestly, it was a lot better than anything I’d ever lived in before. Then, as time moved forward, things began to spiral from there. His aggression toward me slowly increased until it became… more.”
Without any explanation, Levi swerves toward an off-ramp to exit the highway. We’ve still got another hour before we’re home, and we don’t need gas or anything. I don’t say a word until he parks at the back of a large gas station.
“Levi?”
He leans over, unbuckles my seatbelt, then lifts me out of the seat and over the console to his lap. I open my mouth to say something, but Levi gently shushes me.
“I need a minute to hold you,” he murmurs. My muscles immediately relax into his lap, taking advantage of the opportunity to be close to him. I stick my nose into his neck, breathing in his intoxicating smell. It’s amazing at how quickly it’s become calming for me.
“Will you finish the rest of it while we sit here? I don’t think I can hear the rest without being able to touch you.”
Nodding my head, I continue where I left off, keeping my head on his shoulder. “The first time he hit me was because I’d left my coffee cup on the table. I’d gotten distracted by something and had forgotten to take it to the sink. From there, I was punished for any reason he deemed worthy. I was constantly kept on edge, trying to navigate the cat and mouse game he enjoyed playing.
“The first time he touched me sexually was after a night of drinking. He was always the most unpredictable when he was drunk. I tried to fight back in the beginning, but it only made him more vicious, so after a while, I just took it. It was a self-preservation tactic because the more I struggled, the worse it would be. Which, for a long time, made me feel guilty.
“Joy, my therapist, has helped me navigate the trauma I experienced. I’ve struggled with knowing I didn’t fight back. That I just let it happen. I understand now that it was my way of coping with the abuse, and it doesn’t mean I was okay with what he did.”
Levi squeezes me tight, pressing his lips to my temple. Being wrapped in his arms, knowing he’s not disgusted with me, is indescribable. I worried he wouldn’t see me in the same light after I told him what happened, but the strength I feel with his body surrounding me makes me feel cherished.
“I was forced to stay for almost six years until I was finally able to make my way here. Sonoma was my grandmother’s hometown. From the stories she told about it, I knew it would be the perfect place for me to start over. It’s taken quite a bit of therapy and time alone to heal. I’m not quite where I want to be, but I’ll get there.”
My stomach twinges a bit, knowing I haven’t given my whole truth to Levi about how I got away or my relationship with Antony. He was more than my father’s friend. He was my husband. A criminal.
I can’t bring any of that into Levi’s world, though. He doesn’t deserve to have any more of my darkness covering him. He’s been more patient with me than I probably deserve, so I’ll do whatever it takes to protect him.
“The moment I met you, I knew you were strong. What I didn’t realize was there was so much more to your strength than your ability to ignore my charms.” Levi gives me a squeeze, and a small laugh huffs out of me at his teasing. “You’re incredible, Hope. You went through a kind of hell I will never understand, coming out on the other side with your head held high. You deserve every happiness in your life, and I would love to be a part of it if you’ll let me.”
“I never knew there were men like you, Levi. In my experience, they were either aggressive or indifferent. You’ve changed the way I see the world, and I’ll be forever grateful. Just… remember I’m still skittish. I’m going to react strongly to things that probably don’t matter. Please have patience with me.”
“My relationship experience is pretty limited, so as long as you’re patient with me when I screw up, we’ll be fine.”
I look up into Levi’s hazel eyes. There’s a depth in them I want to fall into forever. It’s gentle, protective, and another emotion I’m not yet ready to address. I know if I stare any longer, words I won’t be able to take back are going to start pouring out of me.
He leans down, gently pressing his lips against mine. So many emotions pass between us as this kiss sweeps us into a moment I won’t ever forget.
“Shall we get back on the road?” Levi asks, barely pulling away from me.
I nod my head. With one more peck on my lips, Levi helps me back over the center console to the passenger seat.
Once I’m buckled, we get back on the highway, my hand wrapped around Levi’s. It seems to be his preferred driving position. We’re quiet, enjoying the soft music playing over the radio, completely comfortable just being together after our weekend .
I don’t know what awaits us back at home, but I can’t wait to find out.
For the first time in years, I’m looking forward to my future instead of barely being able to see the next day.