15. Aubrey
Chapter 15
Aubrey
“ N o, no, no!” Raine shouts, shaking her little head. “ No , tank you .”
Caleb looks up at me, crestfallen, his expression asking, Now what?
We’re at my parents’ place to pick up Raine for the night, now that Caleb’s house is ready for her. When we arrived an hour ago, Mom had dinner almost ready, so we sat down and enjoyed a wonderful meal with my parents and Raine. One that seemed relaxed and comfortable, in terms of Raine’s interactions with Caleb.
After dinner, I bathed Raine and put her into a comfy pair of footy pajamas, thinking she might fall asleep on the drive to Caleb’s house; and throughout the entire process, I chatted up the lake and the ducks and all the new toys waiting for her over there. She seemed excited then. So what gives now? Out of nowhere, when I tried to carry Raine outside to Big Betty for the drive to Caleb’s house, she started screaming and refusing to go.
With her little hands on her hips and her face twisted into the same scowl I’ve seen on Claudia’s face, countless times, Raine shouts, “I no go Coobie house! I stay Grammy ‘n’ Pop-Pop!”
“I’ll be there with you,” I coo. “I’ll even sleep with you there, like we always do here. And in the morning, we’ll find some ducks to feed.”
Dad chimes in, “I bet Caleb will make pancakes for you in the morning, like I always do.”
“Absolutely,” Caleb confirms.
“No, no, no!” Raine screams, her face as red as a beet. “ Mommy make da pancakes! No Coobie!”
Fuck . This is a disaster. I cover my face with my hands, so Raine won’t see the tears that are stinging my eyes. Every time I think this poor child’s grief is fading somewhat, something like this happens to remind me she’s lost her entire fucking world, and that’s not something she can bounce back from in a matter of weeks.
While my face is still buried in my hands, there’s an unmistakable sound from across the living room: the thwack - thwack of our front screen being opened brusquely and then slamming shut.
He didn’t. He wouldn’t .
I look around, and, yep. As suspected, Caleb is gone. Fucking hell. “Can you handle her?” I murmur to my mother, before flying out the front door.
Once I’m outside, it doesn’t take long to spot my runaway charge bounding up the street at a fast clip, his powerful legs making long strides and his muscular arms swinging at full throttle. “Caleb!” I shout at top volume. “You can’t go anywhere without me!”
Caleb doesn’t stop running. In fact, the motherfucker picks up his pace.
Begrudgingly, I take off running after him, but thanks to our vast height differential, I can’t close the gap. “Caleb Baumgarten!” I scream, my voice breaking. “If you don’t stop, I won’t certify your sobriety today, and you’ll have to start over!”
Caleb stops running, so I do the same, while squeezing the sharp ache in my side.
He turns around about forty yards ahead of me, breathing hard. And when his eyes meet mine, he shoots daggers at me, like he thinks it’s my fault Raine won’t come home with him. With a visible exhale, he rips the black knit cap off his head, causing his dark blonde mop to fall and run wild.
Fuck. That’s the word Caleb just now muttered. I can’t hear him from here. But it was clear enough from the movement of his lips.
I motion. Come here.
He pauses. Scowls. Kicks a rock in the street. But, finally, he starts slowly sauntering toward me.
“You can’t do that,” I snap, when he’s close enough to hear me speaking at a normal volume.
“I needed a minute to myself,” he snaps back, coming to a stop in front of me.
“I can’t let you out of my sight, unless you’re in a controlled environment, or else I can’t certify your sobriety?—”
“Fucking hell, Aubrey. Give it a fucking rest, would you?”
My eyebrows shoot up. “Excuse me? You’re the one who begged me to be your babysitter, Caleb, the last thing I ever wanted to be; so, please, feel free to find someone else to?—”
“Would you stop breathing down my neck all the time? This isn’t about you. I just needed a goddamned minute to myself.”
I cross my arms over my chest. “Tell me something. Do you think running away from Raine is more or less likely to make her trust you? Hmm?”
Caleb exhales a long, exhausted breath. His shoulders sag. He looks up at the sky. “Why doesn’t she like me? How long am I supposed to keep banging my head against a fucking wall?”
My jaw hangs open. “You can’t be serious.”
He returns his gaze to me and stares with hard eyes, letting me know, yes, he’s dead fucking serious.
“You’ve been at this for less than forty-eight hours,” I remind him with annoyance. “And you’re already ready to give up?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Your actions did. And actions speak louder than words. You ran away, when the going got tough, Caleb. Again. ”
“I took a break.”
“Call it what you want, but what I saw was you making a choice to abandon Raine, yet again.”
He scoffs.
“Fathers don’t get to take breaks whenever they please, Caleb. Sometimes, they have to stick around and be the adult in the room, even when it’s frustrating. Even when they feel rejected. Even when they’re a rockstar who’s used to constant adulation and fucking pandering.”
He scoffs again, except this time he also adds an eye-roll into the mix.
“She was having a tantrum ,” I persist. “Not only because she misses Claudia. Not only because she doesn’t know you from Adam. Not only because she’s testing you. But because she hasn’t learned to regulate her emotions yet. Because she’s two and therefore doesn’t always have the right words to express her big feelings.” He finally looks like he’s listening now, so I add, “You’ll be happy to know Raine has tantrums with me, too.”
He looks surprised. And, yes, happy about the revelation.
“And if Claudia were still here, she’d be having tantrums with her, too.” I narrow my eyes. “You asked what it’s going to take? Consistency . Sticking with it. Proving to Raine you won’t run away, no matter what, no matter how much she screams or tests you. Guess what you just taught her, Caleb? ‘When I’m sad and scared, Coobie abandons me.’ Is that the lesson you wanted her to learn about you today?”
Throughout my speech, Caleb keeps wincing, repeatedly, like I’ve been stabbing him in the chest with an ice pick. But he says nothing.
“Parenthood is a show-me-don’t-tell-me kind of thing,” I huff out. “Show Raine she can trust you, and she will. Maybe not today, but soon. But run away when the going gets tough, and she’ll never trust you. Keep doing that, and I’ll be forced to tell the judge I don’t think you’re up to the job of fatherhood. That, instead, I’m the one who should be awarded full custody.”
I wasn’t planning to reveal my Plan B to Caleb. I figured, if I wind up feeling the need to pivot at the hearing and fight for myself, I’d ambush Caleb by doing that. But in this moment, I can’t think of a better way to light a fire under Caleb’s stubborn, stupid ass than explaining all possible consequences of his choices.
When Caleb doesn’t speak, I forge ahead and fill the thick silence. “If you’ve realized being a father isn’t what you want, then stop wasting my time and Raine’s. Stop confusing her and giving her false hope, because she’s already been through enough, and I’m not going to let you traumatize her further.”
Caleb’s intense, green gaze bores into me for a long moment, during which I feel physical heat wafting off him. Plainly, he hates my guts now. It’s written all over his?—
Without warning, Caleb slides a big, calloused palm onto my cheek and leans in to kiss me. And even though I’ve been fantasizing about him doing this exact thing, all day long, I summon otherworldly willpower, put my palm against his chest, and turn my head. “We shouldn’t, Caleb. We can’t.”
Caleb drops his hand from my cheek and steps back. “Sorry,” he mutters. “It won’t happen again.”
Shoot. I’m the one who stopped him, so why do I feel so disappointed he’s respecting my wishes? “Let’s go back into the house,” I whisper hoarsely.
He takes a deep breath. “Okay.”
“But only if you’re positive you’re going to stick it out. If not?—"
“I’ll stick it out.”
“You’re sure?”
“Let’s go.”
I turn around and start walking on wobbly legs toward my parents’ house. Crap . His lips were this close to mine. So close, my entire body felt like it was short-circuiting.
“No more slamming doors,” I mutter, as we walk shoulder-to-shoulder down the quiet street. “When I heard that slam, I flinched, so I’m guessing Raine did, too. Is that what you wanted? For the women in your life to flinch and be scared of you?”
Caleb looks decimated. Sick to his stomach. “No. That’s the last thing I want.”
“Then you have a fucked-up way of showing it. ”
“I slammed the door because I was pissed at myself. Not at Raine.”
“You think she knows that?”
He exhales deeply.
“Look, you’re not a robot, okay? You’re going to have normal, natural feelings during frustrating experiences. But as a father, you can’t lose control of your behavior in response to those feelings. Do you understand what I mean?”
“I’m not an idiot, Aubrey. Yes, I understand.”
He glares at me, but I don’t care if he’s pissed. If this were about him being a dick to me, I’d forgive and forget and leave it alone. But this is about Raine, and I can’t let her bear the brunt of his inability to control his impulses.
We’ve reached my parents’ porch, so I stop and stare him down before entering.
“You’re going to act like a parent now?” I ask, holding his pained gaze.
He nods slowly, looking like he’s physically biting his tongue; so I swing open the front screen, and step inside the house.
“Everything okay?” Mom asks, as we enter the living room. She’s sitting in an armchair with Raine on her lap and a cartoon show on the TV, while Dad sits on the couch with his leg up.
“Everything’s fine,” I say brightly. “Caleb just needed a breather.”
“Sorry about slamming the screen,” Caleb mumbles. “It won’t happen again.”
Mom smiles reassuringly, with far more compassion than he deserves, if you ask me. “Emotions are high,” she says. “This is a tough situation. ”
“That’s no excuse,” Caleb says. “I’m the adult.” He looks at Raine. “The parent. I can’t do that sort of thing, ever.”
Mom shoots me a look that says, How did you do that? But to Caleb, she says, “You’re still learning, honey. Nobody’s perfect.” She kisses the top of Raine’s hair, but Raine is too sleepy and cozy against her chest to react.
“I think you should keep her here again tonight,” Caleb says. “Baby steps. We’ll try again tomorrow.”
Mom nods and replies, “I think that’s for the best. You two come back bright and early in the morning for breakfast, and we’ll try again.”
Caleb scratches his inked bicep. “Would it be okay if I slept here tonight, too? I don’t need a bed. I can sleep on the floor.”
Mom looks confused. “Why do that, when you can drive twenty-five minutes and sleep in your own, comfy bed?”
Caleb’s soulful eyes are trained on Raine’s groggy face, as she watches the cartoon and ignores the world around her. “If she wakes up with another nightmare, I want to be here.”
My parents and I share a look. Clearly, we’re all equally touched by Caleb’s request.
“Of course, you can stay,” Mom says softly. “Our home is yours, Caleb.”
“Thank you so much, Mrs. Capshaw.”
“Barbara. You’re part of the family now.”
Caleb’s Adam’s apple bobs. “Thank you, Barbara .”
With a little wink at Caleb, Mom turns her attention to Raine in her lap. “Guess what, Pooh Bear? Coobie is going to stay the night, so he’s here if you have a nightmare. Isn’t that sweet of him?”
Raine nods her head, but it’s clear she’s not listening .
“Hey, Rainey,” Dad interjects softly. “How about Coobie reads your bedtime story tonight, instead of me?”
“No. No Coobie,” Raine says sleepily. “Pop-Pop.”
“I’ll read to you tomorrow night,” Dad says.
I glance at Caleb. He’s looking at Raine like he wants to fall to his knees and beg her to love him. Accept him. Forgive him. But when he speaks, it’s in a calm, patient tone. One that doesn’t hint at the internal turmoil he’s surely feeling.
“Pop-Pop can read to you tonight,” he says. “I’ll read to you another time, maybe. Whenever you’re ready.”
I exchange another look with my mother, this one conceding I’m impressed, before Mom shifts her gaze to Caleb and flashes him a sympathetic smile. “I’ll fetch you some pillows and blankets, honey. The couch is kind of lumpy. But at least, it’s better than the floor.”